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The Dangerous Side Effects of Gatorade

June 17th, 2008 by LT Ronald

No Shit there I was, Ramadi Iraq 2005, actually wait….. Back up. I can’t say “no shit” for this story as it’s central theme is just that.

I don’t know about your tours to the desert, but from my experience, H20 was never in short supply. It was located in huge bottles, on massive aircraft pallets located all over the FOB. It sat in the 110+ degree heat, and was like drinking fresh McDonalds lawsuit coffee only without the delicious coffee taste, and foamy clumpy shits that followed.

Ice in coolers did not hold up on three hour convoys, and the massive 2 liter water bottles took up way too much cooler space.

Gatorade was never plentiful, and was considered a rare treat when we could get our hands on it. One day the mess hall received three connexes full of grape flavored Gatorade in the 20oz bottles.

My Armorer, Young Specialist Wesley Green, whom you may or may not recall from my back scratcher story from a few weeks ago, took it upon himself to wheel and deal for a pallet of this grape-flavored nectar of the Gods. It cost us a broken Nautilus ab cruncher (but we had two in our gym and one was not on the property books).

This pallet was enjoyed by my orderly room staff exclusively for nearly a week.

That is when a few of my guys started noticing that their fecal matter color was changing. Bright hues of florescent green and yellow began to fill our Job Johnnys. Then one day our NBC Private, PFC Powell, whom you may remember as not being the smartest of privates, whom mistakenly purchased a douche for a female medic on my orders, decided to mess with Top, and try to get some free time off. He took a green chem light and a turkey baster (where in the hell he got a turkey baster in Iraq I have no clue) and inserted glowing green chem light juice in, on, and around his latest drop.

He came in and asked Top to take a look at the glowing pile of nuclear waste shit, and asked if he could be excused from duty to see the Medics and get some “bed rest”. Top was one of the brighter First Sergeants that I have dealt with, and made PFC Powell scoop out his creation to take with him to the medics. Since the medics hadn’t been aware of the tactically acquired Gatorade they were in for quite a shock when PFC Powell came in with his glowing sandwich baggy of poop. They immediately called the PA and the FOB surgeon. It was only when they were preparing to order an emergency Medivac did Top step up and say that his troop was simply sandbagging, and that the poor dumb bastard had just drank too much Gatorade, and added chem light juice. For some reason these Medics, the PA, and FOB Surgeon were all of the mindset that my young PFC had grew up in Chernobyl or discovered Saddam’s secret stash of WMDs. It wasn’t until Top, just through his “Top Glare”, made PFC Powell admit to what he had done that the FOB Medical staff relented.

What form of perverse punishment that Top gave PFC Powell eludes me at this time, but I’m sure that it was fitting. It does roll downhill after all.

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19 Responses to “The Dangerous Side Effects of Gatorade”

  1. SPC Hyle Says:

    Wow…just…wow. I mean, wow.

    Reply

    Stickfodder reply on June 17th, 2008 1:35 pm:

    Hmm it seems that alot of stories on this site get that reaction

    Reply

  2. Capt Vikedal Says:

    That… Is bloody brilliant. I wish I would have thought of that when I was in the soup. Although I never really developed a taste for gatorade…

    Reply

  3. Minty Says:

    Ah, stories about the strange colors waste materials turn depending on what you ingest. Did you know that if you eat enough Oreos, your feces turns black, making it look like you have a GI bleed? The fun things you discover at summer camp.

    Good times, good times.

    Not that I’m recommending anybody try “sandbagging” using this technique, since you’d probably end up scoped, and that’s no fun at all…

    Captcha: “is truthfully”
    Perhaps “is brutally” would be more appropriate, as in “is brutally honest?” Just a thought…

    Reply

    Stickfodder reply on June 17th, 2008 1:42 pm:

    Did you know that if you drink nothing but a single color of Kool-Aid your poop will turn that color.
    Kool-Aid Fruit Punch is red = Red poo
    Kool-Aid Berry Blue is blue = Green poo… I’m still trying to figure this on out. Research is ongoing.

    “Educational to” Yeah maybe, although also disturbing

    Reply

    Minty reply on June 20th, 2008 5:15 am:

    Maybe it’s just the color combination:

    Vitamin C deficient urine (yellow) + Kool-Aid Berry Blue (blue)= green liquid waste.

    Seems there’s a “specious hand” at work here…

    Reply

    Eric reply on June 22nd, 2008 1:50 am:

    There is some kind of coloring agent in crap that is yellowish to begin with. What, you thought all your food was naturally brown when mixed?

    I forget what the shit is called, but we produce something that makes it brown.

    Captcha seems to be a name suggestion for it: in- Sauterne

    Reply

  4. ArchaicDome Says:

    Wow. My bf just found out that if you drink LOTS of purple gatorade you shit purple. It was a subject of humor all last week, because he just had to ask me. :) How well timed this story, then. :)

    Reply

  5. Analee Says:

    I very nearly spit out my Diet Coke…onto my laptop…in the middle of my Leadership Development class. Seeing as how the teacher only THINKS I’m not paying any attention, it’s probably a good thing that it didn’t happen…don’t want to CONFIRM that I’m not paying any attention…

    Captcha: Liberte Express – France’s answer to the bullet train.

    Reply

    Tony reply on June 18th, 2008 3:19 am:

    it goes 250mph… but only in reverse

    Reply

    Analee reply on June 18th, 2008 4:04 am:

    And it runs on cheese and red wine!

    Reply

    Stickfodder reply on June 18th, 2008 7:07 am:

    And it derails at the slightest thret

  6. PFC Wilson Says:

    O_O.

    Holy shit.

    Actually, that explains the funky green that was my entire BCT experience.

    Reply

  7. Analee Says:

    Ran out of reply room, but I just wanted to let Stickfodder know that the derailing response made me snort Diet Pepsi out of my nose with laughter.

    Captcha: completed entire – Completed entire WHAT? Certainly not completed entire sentence…

    Reply

  8. Dave Van Domelen Says:

    During the couple of months of indigestion that led up to my diagnosis of diabetes (which turns out to cause indigestion in some cases), I consumed a LOT of Pepto Bismol. It turns out that the active ingredient in that will turn your stool black, but for a couple days I thought I’d developed yet another GI tract problem….

    Reply

  9. JP Says:

    LOL

    We had a similar experience when we told a private that if he ate a ton of carrots, his skin would turn orange. He didnt believe us, and proceeded to prove us wrong.

    He ended up looking like an oompaloompa. hehehe… I love it when those privates who’ve been burned so many times, wont believe you when you tell them something true.

    my captcha: Force Flick – A minor attack from an annoyed Jedi

    Reply

  10. Jon Says:

    I once found out that if you have a bit of food poisoning and remove everything from your bowels, then on your recovery eat nothing but New England Clam Chowder, your stool turns out white.

    Not kidding. It was pretty cool. :)

    Reply

  11. Mike S. Says:

    I’ve had a similar experience with Red Velvet cake. Add enough red food coloring to chocolate cake to turn it red and your poo will be red for the next several days.

    Reply

  12. cheap Says:

    It’s palm rest and touch pad area are covered by a silver panel. Both build numerous Intel laptops based on everything from Atom to Intel Core i7.

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