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Archive for June 5th, 2008

Homosexual Mustalids

Thursday, June 5th, 2008

Recently I acquired the Age of Conan. This has turned out to be a pretty good MMO, and will probably replace City of Heroes in my gaming rotation.

So now after a week of running amok in a low-fantasy world I decided to pull out my old 80’s sword and sorcery movies. The perfect kind of movie to watch as long as you can just shut your brain off and ignore the horrible dialog, cheap rubber monsters, and plot holes that you could drive a cement mixer through.

One movie in particular caught my attention.

The Beastmaster.

Now the Beastmaster actually stands up pretty well, as far as bad 80’s movies goes. Its cheesy as all hell, but its still fun in pretty much the same way that Xena was. But I did notice a small issue with the ferrets.

You see, I saw this movie when I was a child, and it convinced me that I wanted a pet ferret. This same movie convinced my parents that no such thing was going to happen. In fact, due to a variety of reasons I had been unable to get a pet ferret until about four years ago. And last week was the first time that I have seen this movie since acquiring a set of the furry little kleptomaniacs.

For those of you unfamiliar with this movie, the main character, a young man named Dar, fights against the forces of evil with the help of his animal companions. He communicates with them telepathically and they help him in a wide variety of ways during his adventures.

Amongst his animal companions are two ferrets named Podo and Kodo. These critters are portrayed as a couple from their first scene. In fact by the end of the movie they are shown to have children together.

The only problem is that they are both boy ferrets.

This is will actually be fairly obvious to anyone who owns ferrets as the females are about half the size of the males with these animals, plus they have pointier faces.

So basically I immediately recognize that these are boys and that they appear to be in a gay relationship. So I paid more attention and noticed a few other details that supported my new theory.

One of the ferrets can be seen with a litter of babies near the end of the film. Now there is no way that those two reproduced in any traditional way. So clearly they have taken the adoption route. Most likely from China.

Their primary enemy is a priest. An evil priest who practices human sacrifice, but a priest none-the-less. So just like in real life the gays find themselves being opposed by a member of the clergy. No doubt he seized power by pandering to the “anti-gay ferret adoption” values voter.

“Sure, I’m against his whole ‘Hurl our infants into the sacrificial flame’ policy. But we have to protect marriage from the evils of gay ferrets.”

Lastly, there is their primary means of transportation. Kodo and Podo travel in a purse. A purse that is carried by a half-naked well muscled blond man. Specifically, they are kind of snuggled up into the vicinity of his crotch reason.

So to recap:

1) Both boys

2) Hated by the clergy

3) Travel via man-purse, which is strapped to a dude’s crotch.

Yeah, these ferrets are gayer than a dick with sequins.