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Cephalopod Surprise

July 9th, 2007 by skippy

This story is specifically why people I know thought I should keep writing stuff. It never made it to my list, seek because I never received any orders governing it.

Early on in my military career, way back when I was a PFC, my Battalion would occasionally have “Fun Runs”. A Fun Run is just like running for several miles. Except that it’s fun. Because people that outrank you say so.

This is pretty much the Army equivalent to declaring “Our office is so much fun! On Friday we get to wear Hawaiian shirts!” It’s awesome if you happen to love Hawaiian shirts, but just kinda sucks if you have taste.

One of the features of the Fun Run was that afterward the Battalion would gather together and hold a pie auction. The point of the pie auction was that if you bought a pie, you could pick any soldier who was present, and hit them with the pie. So as you can imagine, an awful lot of repressed rage got transferred into pie kinetics after these runs. The important thing to know here is that by tradition, the first pie always got thrown at the Battalion Commander.

This whole exercise was to raise money for the Battalion Family Support Group. In theory, this was an organization that would help the families of deployed soldiers manage during the long separations that military life often inflicts. But in reality, FSG was more like a cross between the homeowners association from a sit-com, and a social club for unemployable wives of military officers. And when I say social club, imagine the kind that gets taken down a peg by a scrappy band of misfits in an 80’s comedy movie.

To sum this up: the Family Support Group was not very popular with most of the soldiers.

The night before one of these delightful Fun Runs, I received special instructions.

“Bring in a pie for the auction.”

I’m not sure how much the pay has gone up, but back in those days if a Private First Class had a child he automatically qualified for food stamps. So I didn’t have much money. And most of what I did have was generally earmarked for important things, like strippers and alcohol, and more strippers. Purchase Levitra on the recommendation at http://howmed.net/order-levitra-vardenafil/ and forget about erectile dysfunction.

A pie doesn’t cost that much I guess. But it was the principle that bothered me. The Army has billions of dollars and I have barely any. And now they want me to buy stuff for them.

Now technically, it wasn’t an order. It would be against regulations for my supervisor to *order* me to spend my own money on the Family Support Group. It was just, technically, a suggestion. And it’s just peachy to make suggestions. And if soldiers choose not to follow the suggestions, well, someone has to be assigned to that toilet cleaning detail.

So that night, I went out and I bought a premade pie crust. And a tub of Cool Whip. And then I stopped by a Korean grocery store and purchased a whole, frozen squid. And sprinkles.

I got back to the barracks, and started the preparations for the morning. Which pretty much just means I started thawing the squid in a shower stall. My roommate was a bit surprised when he got back.

“Is that a squid in our shower?”
“What’s it doing in there.”

The next morning I packed it all in a cooler, and set out for the Fun Run. After about three miles of fun the Battalion gathered for the auction. I quickly assembled the secret weapon, and added it to the pie table. I then notified the auctioneer about my special pie. Of course she selected my pie for the first auction.

The bidding started fairly briskly, as many people wanted to hit our Commander with a pie. But soon enough bidding started to peter out, and that’s when the auctioneer let everyone in on the secret.
“This is a special pie.”
“What’s so special about it?” called someone in the crowd.
“It’s a squid pie.”
“I beg your pardon?” said the Commander
“I said it’s a squid pie sir.”
“There’s no such thing.”

So she reached in, pulled out a tentacle, and waved at the Commander with it.
“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?” asked the Commander with, all things considered, a reasonable tone of voice.
“It’s a tentacle sir.”
“Normally you’d be correct. But this is a squid pie sir.”

And the bidding immediately picked up again. My pie raised close to five hundred dollars, which was a new record for the pie auction. I didn’t get into any trouble because nobody wanted to look like a bad sport. And I got to watch my CO take a high velocity mollusk to the kisser, which is a good morning no matter what branch of the military you are in.

3-12-08 Update: T-shirts are now available.

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131 Responses to “Cephalopod Surprise”

  1. Nomikos Says:

    Thanks, that is absolutely brilliant! :-)


  2. Tyler D Says:

    Epic. haha


  3. Voodoo Idol Says:




    I laughed so frickin hard. If only I were so creative. *sigh*


  4. SGT Mac Says:

    Oh I wish I had thought of this.


  5. Russ G Says:

    I am laughing so hard I’m crying. I love it.


  6. Tim Says:

    ahahah oh many I love it “PIE DOESN’T HAVE TENTICLES!”


  7. Kris Says:

    Smitty, you remind me of my brother. He’s in the Navy and he is a crazy asshole. Not crazy like “I just want to drink beers and punch sluts” crazy, but crazy like “I am going to throw a felt pen in the chart room so it explodes over everything” crazy. I can’t wait ’till your next story. You’re awesome!


  8. Ripcord Says:

    My God…squid…you’re a genius! I remember the fun runs, and “The Man” wanting me to spend both the stripper’s and bar owner’s money (it was technically mine, according to the LES papers, but for all practical purposes I was merely just the middle-man) on things like shoe polish, dry cleaned Class A’s, and replacing TA-50 that may have found its way to various pawn shops…Squid pie would have made it all worthwhile!

    You can’t spell “dysfunctional or “fun run” without fun…you can’t spell fungus either, but that’s a whole other story.

    Thanks for the laughs and bringing back some good (and bad) memories.


  9. Mikael Grizzly Says:

    This, sir, qualifies as epic win. :D


    This would make a fine T-shirt caption :)


  10. Sven Dirks Says:


    well, my Navy time was over many years ago, but I do feel with you all the way :-)

    greetz from Kundus



  11. Nik Newell Says:

    That makes me feel a whole lot better about the battalion run I have tomorrow. The whole time, I’ll be laughing hysterically while I’m trying to run.

    My favorite part was the conversation with the room mate, because it reminds me of me and my roomie:

    “Is that a squid in our shower?”
    “What’s it doing in there.”

    Oddball stuff like that can only be found in the military.
    In a way, I’ll miss that craziness when I’m out.


    Andy from PSTOIC reply on March 9th, 2009 2:57 am:

    I have to disagree, there’s many places such craziness exists….


  12. 3fgburner Says:

    Now, you have me in a running fantasy-loop. Every single time I had a superior “suggest” that I spend the strippers’ money on crap like paint for my barracks room is flashing back to me. I’m (mentally) up to 20 pounds of frozen squid, and rising.


  13. Vulpine Says:

    I was fine, calm and collected even, til I got to

    “I stopped by a Korean grocery store and purchased a whole, frozen squid. And sprinkles.”

    And then I lost it, loudly. I now have tramatized cats, confused ferrets and scared neighbors thanks to the hysterically loud cackling.

    Thank you.


  14. Al McCoy Says:

    Better than the “Piranha Club”


  15. Judy Says:

    My ex used to tell me stories like this of the things he and his shipmates would do for ‘entertainment’.


    Thanks for the best laugh in a long time.


  16. LarryConley Says:

    The battalion CO got lucky…..it could have been worse… much worse.

    OBART, Australia (AP) — A squid as long as a bus and weighing 550 pounds washed up on an Australian beach, officials said Wednesday

    PS Don’t put up stuff like that when my ribs are sore… :)


    Chris Gale reply on April 23rd, 2010 9:35 pm:

    Ah, the Southern Giant Squid. If you live where I do, dissecting one of those is shown on television as a high rating prime time activity.

    Of course, it is an academic town and the clueful knew it had been pickling in formaldehyde for six months…


  17. MIstah K Says:

    Golden! Ah, the memories of nearly puking out my guts in front of the enlisted family quarters after a three mile run past German fields in early spring (pee-spraying time). Vielen dank, sport!


  18. Michael Z. Williamson Says:

    Squid is funny just from the name, which comes from the sound it makes when it hits someone.

    I recall one time, a female’s fish died. As we were all on the base Honor Guard, we dressed up and called in the bugler to give a proper Service at Toiletside. The Three Volleys were firecrackers. Would have been a problem if it wasn’t the SP Desk Sergeant lighting them.

    But squid are so much funnier than goldfish. And smell worse.


  19. Diana Says:

    /me *dies*

    Holy tamale that’s funny.

    Dude, I think if you were an E-6 you qualified for food stamps!!!


  20. boogieshoes Says:

    ok, you’re officially on my bookmark list. i love stories like this. the best ones start out with ‘no sh*t, there i was…’ thanks for a good start to friday. :)



  21. Pharyngula Says:

    Here’s a happy way to start your day

    Mmmmmm. Squid pie. With sprinkles!…

  22. Michael Z. Williamson Says:

    Yes, an E6 with two kids qualified for food stamps, at least until 1990.


  23. ewige Says:

    hahahaha, too funny.


  24. ewige Says:




    Cheryl reply on March 9th, 2009 3:57 am:

    Total win. Now, to make the t-shirts…


  25. Here's a happy way to start your day [Pharyngula] · Kokorec Says:

    […] Squid pie. With […]

  26. ctenotrish, FCD Says:

    I just snorted coke (cola-cola that is) out my nose and I have tears streaming down my face. Squid Pie!! That is just so damn funny. I am sending this link to everyone I know. Hilariously well written!


  27. The Squid Zone Says:

    Military hi-jinks… Squid Pie

    I was in the military for 9 years, and if I had to pick one thing that annoyed me above and beyond all other things it would have to be the concept of obligatory fun. If you’ve never done military

  28. Keith Sader Says:

    OMG you’ve just coined my new .sig – PIE DOESN’T HAVE TENTACLES!!!!


  29. ur-innerevil Says:

    “58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.”

    now i think i finally understand the last bit on this one:D
    lol that was great and it was benneficial to the community :D


  30. Bob Says:

    I don’t get it.


  31. Tony Says:

    Someone send me this and stated that it was a must read, “it kept me rolling”. Guess what, personally I saw nothing funny about this. Waht I saw was what appeared to be a lazy PFC (E3) that somehow joined or was drafted, if he is that old, and fought the system the whole time he was there. He forgot that some of those “unemployable wives of military officers”, and by the way they also had the NCO and Enlisted wives clubs, served a very good purpose, and it seem that understood the “spirit of corps” that these functions whould bring, plus funds to help those in need.
    Yes, I was a Private but did make a career of it and retired as an Officer, but through the struggles that military life always seem to bring, with the long separations plus two tours in Vietnam, I am gratefull that those wives did take the time to do thigs like this, as it help relaxed and at times help financialy. I know, we were one of those families that sought and were help.
    As the old saying goes, the military is what you make of it, and takes special families to adopt. I am proud that I was able to served my country without complaining.


    Cheryl reply on March 9th, 2009 4:19 am:

    “Yes, I was a Private but did make a career of it and retired as an Officer…”

    I knew that after the second sentence because yours is the kind of attitude and viewpoint those higher up with power have, especially those who’ve gotten used to it and not been on the receiving end of all the crap for years. Being frustrated and fed up with being crapped on doesn’t mean you’re a lazy soldier or someone who wants to “fight the system”. Just because your family got help doesn’t mean the organization, on the whole, wasn’t in serious need of improvement.

    I used to live near Fort Drum (Watertown, NY) and knew more than a few officers and their wives/girlfriends. I knew men and women of various pay grades and ranks who were proud to serve their country and never once tried to “fight the system”, and they would have laughed at squid pies. It was a non-violent way to express and release anger and frustration and annoyance not only for Skippy, but his fellow soldiers as well. The same men and women who would’ve laughed at the squid pie also had no problems with throwing blanket parties when the need arose. From one of my friends who was, IIRC, a unit commander I heard about the blanket party he threw for a soldier of his who refused to stop shooting his mouth off and disrespecting his superiors. Other soldiers in the unit were only too happy to take part in the blanket party.


    Kitchen Wolf reply on January 16th, 2010 11:44 am:

    I guess you missed the part where the mollusk pie raised half a grand. Not sure what they did with it – Army Relief handles the actual charity stuff (and would have in the early ’90s). Probably a bigger Christmas party. And from a bachelor’s standpoint, it is annoying to have your world on base run by the wives of officers, especially when they make you attend their social functions (they never bring their single friends).


  32. AzureLunatic Says:

    Diana just sent a bunch of us over here. The more I read it, the funnier it gets.


  33. parajay Says:

    First off, I would just like to say this. Tony? Grow a freakin’ sense of humor, man. If you can’t laugh about the stuff you’ve done, then what the hell are we doing here?

    Secondly, Skippy, I literally started crying, I was laughing so hard. I’m sure my fellow 3rd shifters now think I’m a stark raving lunatic, but it doesn’t matter. I still laugh every time I read over the list, and this just made it that much better. Looking forward to your next story. :-D


  34. Azkyroth Says:

    I am proud that I was able to served my country without complaining.

    I’m quite certain you can rationalize your jealousy for Skippy having the creativity to come up with this and the guts to go through with it so much more gracefully than the above. Care to try again?


  35. SPC Hyle Says:

    Tony, you seem to forget something: throwing a squid pie into the face of a LtCol is the very defintion of Esprit de Corps.

    Every time I’ve heard someone say, “The Army is what you make of it” has been from someone who does stuff like have us stay until nearly 19:00, for a COB formation that will be “any minute now” so Joe misses the DFAC hours–all because he doesn’t want to deal with his wife that day.

    True story:
    I got transferred to my current battery during the BCT reorganization. For the first three weeks, despite the fact that we were literally doing not a goddamned thing after 15:00, we never were released until 18:30–ever. Also, the supposedly monthly Pay Day Activities hadn’t been held in three or four months.

    So there’s a sensing session to find out why everyone is, well, fucking pissed off at 1SG and the CO. Yeah, they couldn’t figure it out on their own. So, the whole list of gripes comes out–most legit, some not, and the 1SG just shoots everything down and says, basically, it is not a problem. Until this point, no one had mentioned the elephant in the room–that, for the entirety of December, we hadn’t been released once before 18:30 (and that’s the time I’d been in the battery–I’m willing to wager that had been going on for more than a few weeks). Then one enterprising sergeant made the following suggestion: “First Sergeant, would it be possible, on one day out of the week, say, Friday, to be released at around 16:00 so guys could go out and pay their bills and spend time with their families?”

    You would have thought that he suggested we shit on an image of the Virgin Mary. “Why the heck do you need to be paying bills on Friday? That’s why we have payday activities! And you have weekends to spend with your families!”

    Those are direct quotes that have been burnt into my mind those 20 months ago.

    The military isn’t what you make of it–it’s what you are able to maintain despite the depredations of superiors on power trips. Guys like Skippy are {i}necessary{/i} for a unit to not cannabalize itself.


  36. Hannah Says:

    “Is that a squid in our shower?”
    “What’s it doing in there.”

    I love how Skippy’s roommate just says “Goodnight” as though a frozen squid in the shower is the most normal thing in the world.


    Anonymous reply on November 24th, 2009 1:33 pm:

    With skippy as his room-mate, I wouldn’t be surprised.

    CAPTCHA: 0-0 landfill. But isn’t it a tie?


  37. Evolving Squid Says:

    the “spirit of corps” that these functions whould bring,

    Well, I was an officer too, and I have to say that although a handful of lifers thought that obligatory “fun” built esprit de corps, I can assure you that, for the most part, it lowered morale. Forcing people to have fun ceases to be fun. Punishing people for not having fun does not make for happy soldiers.

    Successful hard work built esprit de corps. Effective training builds esprit de corps. Threatening people and forcing to do fun runs and other silliness builds disgruntled soldiers, disrespect for senior officers and enlisted men and general bad attitudes.

    The funny thing is, without making those things (fun runs, mess dinners, what have you) quasi-compulsory, people would probably go anyway, just because of peer pressure (which DOES build esprit de corps). Making them quasi-compulsory torques up any rebellious streak that anyone may have.

    I used to love the “money for ” one. As a 2Lt and Lt, I made less than a corporal. I didn’t have a spare dime for anyone because officers posted where I was had to live on the economy and pay unsubsidized market rent. Every time some blowhard Col. told me that I was expected to donate to some cause I’d get pretty bent out of shape about it too. A $10 donation might mean I’m not eating breakfast and lunch tomorrow.

    But could you convince the colonels and sgt majors of this? No, because they had long forgotten what it was like to be at the bottom of the ladder.

    I did all sorts of silly stuff very similar to the private who wrote this blog entry. I bet his squid pie built more esprit de corps that day then the entire rest of the event. Besides, as Adrian Cronauer (Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam) said “Sometimes you have to go out of your way to get in trouble. It’s called ‘fun'” Fun cost me about 250 extra duties, and one arrest (no conviction) over 9 years… oh well. it was worth it.

    The military has to learn that BS does not mean Better Soldier.


  38. Nicole Says:

    Now THAT’S military ingenuity!


  39. Here's a happy way to start your day [Pharyngula] · Articles Says:

    […] Squid pie. With […]

  40. Carolyn Says:

    Now that’s a good pie!


  41. PFC Andy Says:

    I know exactly what Hyle is saying. I don’t know how many times the entire company was done with our work for the day by 15:00, and earlier… and the entire company would spend hours waiting for formation, hiding in either the warehouse or in the platoon offices so they wouldn’t get stuck on detail. All because the 1SG didn’t care, she didn’t have anywhere to go anyway.

    I’ve seen some similar FSG/Family Readiness issues.. but in the year and a half I’ve been with this unit it’s actually been helpful; the Commander’s wife would set up a table on certain days, and sell cupcakes and crap like that pretty cheap.. which was nice during that time after PT and before the DFAC opened for lunch. Of course, We just had a change of command a week ago (Our CWO4 with 26 years in was replaced with a 1LT that is about as fresh as I am it seems. Fun.) so.. who knows.


  42. Mara Says:

    You know, that really explains why squid is never to be mentioned in a cadence. xD Too funny.



  43. alendria Says:

    Next time, go to the slaughter house and make a rocky mountain oyster pie. Imagine the bidding if he were to take a face full of testicles instead of tentacles.


  44. Here’s a happy way to start your day [Pharyngula] · New York Articles Says:

    […] Squid pie. With […]

  45. Analee Says:

    *gets on floor and bows*

    I bow down before the ultimate genius. That is the most brilliant thing I have ever heard.


  46. Matt Says:

    The military is not what you make of it. The military is a game, and how you play the game is what matters.
    The thing about the military is that you are in one place just long enough to get ahead, then you are transferred. The key is to get to your new post a few days early, and relax in the Club or Mess Hall. Go to the PX, or just walk around the post, and you will be amazed the information that will be useful to get a headstart.


  47. Heather Fairfield Says:

    You are SOOOOO my hero!!


  48. Exairforce Says:

    In the Canadian Forces the “Fun Run” concept is call ”Optional Mandatory Training”. How is that for an oxymoron?


  49. TlalocW Says:


    Seriously, you need to get with the poster of number 24 and work out a deal to sell t-shirts and use his graphic for your first shirt – “PIE DOESN’T HAVE TENTACLES!” I would buy one.

    Also, if someone should design a good t-shirt to go along with #58 on your list – the part about, “I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead,” cadence cracks me up everytime I read it.


  50. T-shirts Says:

    […] I’ve gotten a lot of requests for them and they are coming soon. Its been really busy around here but give me a bit and I should have something available in a week or two. Including a squid pie shirt with art by Michael Derr, who posted the squid pie art in the comment section. […]

  51. Glourung Says:

    i am going to steal this idea, i have some people in my command staff, mostly staff from Quebec who took a posting in Ontario and get angry when we do not understand there poor excuse for english, who could realy use a pieing.


    Brian H reply on May 28th, 2008 10:39 am:

    “there” poor excuse for English?



    Brian H reply on May 28th, 2008 10:40 am:

    Missed “realy”, which was really stupid.


  52. Epic Fail Guy Says:

    You truly have entertained me yet again. Now if only I could hit an authority figure in my life with a raw squid.


  53. Adam Says:

    My god thats good, where do you come up with this stuff?!?


  54. TeratoMarty Says:

    I’m unfit for military service along a number of axes, but I work in an office where the phenomenon of “enforced fun” is rampant. We have pot-luck lunch meetings to “build team spirit,” which means that, not only do we have to work through lunchtime, but we have to make some damn food to bring. I don’t cook; everything I prepare for myself is either raw or charred and that’s how I like it. I have been bringing Ramen noodle salad. However, I think I can handle making squid pie.


    Richard Brown reply on September 25th, 2016 12:39 am:

    In the spirit of skippy’s squid pie. I point out such items as Korean kimchi which is a pickled, HIGHLY spiced asian vegtable dish. So highly spiced, that glass jars once they’ve been used for kimchi, cannot be used for anything else, because they retain the aroma, of the spices used in creating the pickled vegtable. Most people think Kimchi is only ‘pickled cabbage’ but there are other kimchi versions. cucumber kimchi for instance.

    Now a kimchi pie, esp in service, NOT in Korea, Okinawa, Japan, would be epic.

    Esp considering the eating of kimchi leaves an aroma/taste in your mouth for the entire day, even after brushing and flossing.


    Richard Brown reply on September 25th, 2016 12:42 am:

    Oh,and TeratoMarty, you can find kimchi at any asian food store in little china/chinatown in major cities, and you can even buy it on the internet. Amazon.com


    Saying that, a pastry shell, kimchi, and koolwhip make a statement. Esp if you taste test before hand, and happen to enjoy the taste sensation. And sit there calmly eating the concoction.


  55. Randall Says:

    I really wish I’d done that. I hate Fun Run and those stupid pies…..


  56. anti-nonsense Says:

    ahahahaha! I wish I could get a squid pie for use on certain persons in my life.


  57. Boris Jimski Says:

    oh gawd that is so outrageously baaaadddd! i gotta shower now! oh yeah, “voluntary overtime”, that’s what we had in the fed’l gov’t.


  58. Aislygn Says:

    Wow… see, I just started working at a call center. Not being a technologically trigger-happy individual, I have to take a class offered by the company so I know what I’ll be supporting (Comcast, HSI, CDV, and Cable. Yay…) I tend to drift off somewhere around the fourth time they’re explaining Ethernet cables and the seventh explination of a MAC address. So, I surf.
    I’ve been a fan of the Skippy list for approaching a year now, and I looked it up again to entertain myself, and I found this whole big site. I was reading some of the stories. About halfway through this one, the conversation with the roomate grabbed my attention, as it seemed a lot like the guy (my former roomate) that showed this to me. I burst out laughing.
    Now, there’s three other people in my row in the classroom. One guys to my left, and two girls to my right. Well, when I’d gotten over my giggles, and the instructor started in about MAC addresses again, they asked me what was so funny. By the time there was only 15 minutes left in the class, my whole row was laughing. The instructor promptly threw down his papers and declared “As miss {-} seems to have something much more amusing to talk about than CDV, (Which, naturally, made some people amused, in and of itself.) we can take the next few minutes to find out what it is, so that the rest of us can have a laugh too…” Well, since all the computers are networked through station (Anyone getting lost yet? Just let the jargon wash off you, it’s okay) He was able to bring up the page I had been on. He asked me to explain. I told the little of Skippy’s list that I knew, explaining how I’d found the list,and recently everything else, and read the story I’d just found. By the end of the class, (It was a Friday, too…. SCORE!) the whole room was laughing, including the instructor. (He made me read a few more, so the one about the 397th caught on really well.) I ended up standing in front of the class for an extra two minutes, and no one was signed out. In the call center worl, that’s verboten. The floor director eventually got in on it, and by now I’m sure the whole building has heard about it to some extent or another. But, I was a hero. 15 minutes of class, and nothing better to do than read Skippy’s list.
    I just thought this little anecdote warrented re-telling, as it’s tuesday after a long weekend, and I’m headed back into work this afternoon. I can only guess what will await me when the door opens.
    Maybe, I’ll find another list.
    Anyone ever been to soupsandwhich.net?


  59. Judy Says:

    Squid pie? SQUID PIE?!!! Ok, so how did you convince a member of the sub service to join an army event, let alone find a pie shell big enough?


  60. Jen Says:

    Oh…..mah…..goodness….I about died laughing!!!! That’s incredible….I’d have honestly paid money just to see that!! lol


  61. Susan Says:

    Great story! I especially like the part about your roommate’s response to the squid in the shower. Assuming he wasn’t in on it, I see 3 possibilities here:

    1. He was a kindred spirit.
    2. He figured if he didn’t ask any questions, he wouldn’t be an accessory.
    3. After living with you for whatever period of time, he was hardened to any type of bizarre craziness.

    Care to comment, Skippy?


  62. Epona Harper Says:

    Just thought you should know this.

    I shared this story with one of my nurses.

    Today, she made me a squid pie (http://drharper.livejournal.com/201105.html).

    Skippy, you are an inspiration to us all!



  63. Diana Says:

    So. I’m in a fairly new job. I’m a contractor.

    The company put out an announcement week before last about how they were going to have a “pie in face” contest with the CEO or something (I don’t actually remember, because after “pie” and “face”, I nearly died laughing).

    I mean, I’m sitting at my desk, giggling helplessly, eyes nearly bugged out of my skull, hands clasped over my mouth, trying like mad not to think about it because if I do it’s only going to get worse.

    I mean, you can’t be like *hysterical shrieking giggle* “ZOMG SKIPPY!” *hysterical shrieking giggle* ” . . and the squid!” *hysterical shrieking giggle* ” . . . AND THE PIE! BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” you know, and have that make *any sense whatsoever* to someone who hasn’t read the story. And given that that was about all I was able to cough out. . . well, you can figure it out.

    Meanwhile, I’m supposed to be talking to a customer (yeah, that goes over like a ton of bricks).

    However, anyone who *had* read the story, all you had to do was show them the announcement about the stupid pie contest, and they were crying right there with ya.

    Everyone else is all “. . . . . . . . . ? ? ? ? ”

    And then they send you off for a drug test which A) only makes you laugh harder and B) you’re glad, because you were about to pee your pants anyway.

    Good times, man. :P

    (OMG my captcha is “government dinner” *DIES*)


  64. Philip McFarland Says:

    Hun…Did they every ask you to buy a pie again? Probablly not.


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  66. Big Swede Says:

    Aw man, reading this after being up for 24+ hours straight sure didn´t make it any less hillarious. Gads, i can barrely seew what i´m writing. Either way, thanks for a huge belly laugh.


  67. GenJeFT Says:

    Great once again.
    That reminds me of something I did at my AIT back when I was a PVT.

    I like fish, I really like fish, so I bought a bunch of canned anchovies one day and started eating them in my room. As I was eating one of my many cans (8 in all) my room mate walks in (our room was the size of a large bathroom and everything was closed).

    Room mate: What is that smell.
    Me: Anchovies.
    Room mate: Why are you eating anchovies?
    Me: Calcium.
    Room mate: Im going out, please air out the room.
    Me: No problem, have fun.

    So I opened the window and prop open the door to air out the room. One and a half hours later the 1st Sargent walks up to the CQ desk on my floor and yells out “Why does this barracks smell like fish!?” People on CQ duty point down the hall to my room, I popped my head out, waved an unopen can of anchovies, offered to let the 1st Sargent have one, and went back into my room.

    Referring to comment 61 my room mate fell into category #3. Come to think of it, most of the people in the units I have been with probably fall into that category.


  68. Mariela Says:

    absolutely loved this story


  69. Cadet Airmen Brunelle Says:

    so it’s just like how I get mandatoryaly volunteered in JAFROTC then right?


  70. Misanthropic Scott Says:

    Bad day for the squid, IMHO. Or, more accurately, several days earlier was a bad day for the squid. Hilarious nonetheless, unless you’re a squid. Maybe hilarious even if you are a squid. Perhaps they have a sense of humor about such things.


  71. Thadd Says:

    My wife thinks I’m having a nerveous breakdown in here because of all the laughing/crying she can hear from me. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. Abso-f**king-lutely brilliant!!!


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  73. sidhe3141 Says:

    Oh… squid’s good, but a 1/4 sq. ft. piece of spanikopita ( 1/2 in. of light pastry and boiled spinach, lighter and more fragile than squid pie, AND it’s slimier and makes a bigger mess)… now that would be HILARIOUS!
    Just a suggestion for anyone thinking of reenacting this.


  74. BombTech Says:

    Skippy, you are now officially my hero!!! I really hope you don’t mind if I do the same thing at my unit. You will of course receive credit for the thought.


  75. TheFreakinBear Says:




  76. RoShamBo Says:

    In a C-Shop FTD class for air force right now reading this… started laughing so hard i couldn’t stop… Got some awesome looks from my instuctor and classmate playin sudoku…


  77. Jessica Says:

    This is FANTASTIC! I’m so going to suggest it for my old school…. I would like nothing more than to see my old principal (headmaster) take a squid pie to the face :D


  78. Bryan Says:

    ROFL.. What boredom inspires.. My wife thinks im losing it.. Tony Comment #31,, I feel so sorry for you. You lack a healthy sense of humor and since you made officer it just stands to reason you may have risen up to your level of incompetency.. Ok Im sorry that wasnt nice(family joke) but I am betting you caused some boredom in your day. Creative people are often funny and funny people ARE creative people.
    This is a hilarious website and I cant wait to have time to finish reading it.


  79. Bryght Says:

    I also work in an office that has “mandatory fun” for “building team cohesiveness”. Our most recent “fun” team building activity was working in a food shelter, donating our lunch break (no we would not get paid) to assemble meals for the underprivledged. An admirable goal, yes!

    We have an Asatru, a Jew, a Wiccan, two Hindi and a Buddhist on our team, as well as the 8 varieties of Christians. (aside: Yes, it’s great fun to listen to the female christian minister and the female wiccan high priestess who have to share the same cube!) The charity that our manager chose has the following information on their “About Us” page:

    Mission Statement:
    Feeding God’s Starving Children Hungry in Body and Spirit

    Our Vision
    With God’s help *Blank* will reduce the number of starving children throughout the world…

    Our Statement of Beliefs
    As a Christian organization, we believe that God has directed us…

    Well, the non-Christian group protested and the manager wrote us all a letter saying that, in his opinion, this was not a case of enforced religeous participation, but that he was changing “mandatory” to “strongly encouraged” and authorizing a paid lunch hour as an inducement to attend.

    Am I ever so happy that now I am a civilian and can choose NOT to accept my appointed mission to have “mandatory fun”! BTW, next time I have to “voluntarily” donate a pie to our charity pie-in-the-face auction…..I think it will be squid.


  80. Mark of Nazareth Says:

    Hahahaa that’s brilliant!

    You remind me very much of Yossarian from Catch-22.


  81. TheShadowCat Says:

    Dear lord and lady, that was hilarious. I’m going to have to send this to my father who is a retired Sea Bee reservist.


  82. Reader of mil history Says:

    Well, you could have made the squid into calamari; then the pie would have been something like a legitimate meat pie.


  83. quincy Says:

    Legitimacy isn’t the point. He complied with the “suggestion” in such a way as to:
    a) Humiliate the thoughtless twit who made it,
    b) Fulfill his own sense of creativity, rebellion and humour,
    c) Be lucky enough that his submission was a better fundraiser than anything else, thereby completely obliterating any reasonable objections later on.

    It’s inspired silliness, and definitely builds more cameraderie than regulated fun.


  84. PFC Packrat Says:



  85. Bard O' Bittersuite Says:

    This is a brilliant story, so much so that it has to be true! I was in the military (USAF) and remember oh-so-well those clubs and comittees. Good show!


  86. Lonestar52 Says:

    I remember those “Mandatory fun days” quite well, especially the ship picnic.

    “The ship is having a picnic next Friday. You are all expected to attend. You can go home after you are done.”

    “Is there going to be beer at the picnic?”

    “No, CMC doesn’t approve of alcohol(He also didn’t approve of cursing-Lonestar)”

    “What if you don’t want to go to the picnic?”

    “Then you have to stay at work until COB(1600, I was a cryppie tech and we didn’t have a lot to do in port anyway, so 1600 was *always* a long ways off). You also have to stay long enough for the captain to finish his speech or whatever.”

    “So, besides there being no beer, what is there to do?”

    “There is a moonwalk for the dependents.”

    Good ol’ Mandatory Fun Days.


  87. Robert Says:

    I’ve got a humerous one,
    I got assigned to a shore billet (Navy) and one of my chores was to get in early and make coffed for me the other 1st class and the Chief. We had our own little office that barely contained us. Our office was in the larger (more populated) admin office, which was usually occupied by the CO’s secretary, the admin Chief (female) and a number of admin personnel. Well Monday afternoon comes around and I collect the coffee dues from the Chief and the other first class, and then go to the commissary to replenish the coffee mess. (particulary the half and half of which I was very fond of in coffee.
    So I stowed said supplies in the mess, stow the half and half in the mini frig and go on home for the night.

    Next morning 6 am sharp I arrive and get the coffee up and brewing and sometime later I pour myself some brew, and then get my half and half. Low and behold the container had been opened. I look inside, it still looked like half and half so I poor some in and it does nothing to lighten my (strong coffee) up.
    Perplexed, I poor some more, Now you have to envision my coffee cup, which was three times the size of most cups I’ve seen. had my last ship’s number on it along with the Go Navy! motto. Still after repeated attempts to lighten the coffee up, its still pretty dark. So I take a sip, and it doesn’t remind me of milk, I smell the container, no its not sour.
    So I start drinking the coffee and start mumbling expletives, (what in the hell happened to my half and half) later on I get another cup, by that time the other 1st class walks in, and I say hey Rudy try the half and half somethings wierd about it.
    So rudy tries it and says yep there is something wierd about it. While I’m mumbling about the coffee and the half an half fiasco. The CO’s secretary over hears me mumbling, and asks me if I used the half and half in the small refrigerator in my office, So I says yes, and she says that its her milk, so I reply No it isn’t its my milk, I bought it yesterday at 4 olock at the commissary, (I even pulled out the reciept that was still in my pocket to make the point) So she says no its her milk and go at it for about 45 seconds and the chief (female whom couldn’t keep a secret to save her own butt) overhears and comes over to see what the hubbub is all about. I tell her, and the CO’s secretary tells her. but this time she’s pointing at her BREASTS and saying I wasn’t getting it and that the milk in the quart container of half and half was indeed “HER MILK”
    Incredulessly, I look at her and then say, well what in the hell is YOUR Booby milk doing in my half and half container. (She recently had a kid which I didn’t know about) So she responds: well I remembered to bring my breast pump but I forgot the bottles. Mind you she was such a size she could easily fed a squad of hungry solders. continuing she also says,” I poured your half and half out in the sink and just used the container. I go “wonderful” why didn’t you at least put a label on it, and while we discussing this, you owe me a quart of half and half.

    Needless to say the other first class, the Admin female Chief and my Chief are busting a gut over this.

    So now the word is going around that Rob is breast feeding from the Skippers secretary.
    About a week later the skipper came back from some high level meeting he attended in Wash, and as we happened to pass each other, he says goo goo gagga, how was that half and half sailor.
    So I go back (face flushed) into the admin office where low and behold the CO’s secretary is smiling (because she overheard the skipper’s remark) and she looks at me with a sly smile and says goo goo gagga, let me know when you need a refill Robert.
    So as a comeback I says, I will surely do so if you provide the refill direct deposit dear!
    (I hear a few chuckles around the office and finially its over)

    Robert USN (Ret.)


  88. Cathaine Says:

    I am thinking of a possible replacement cephalopod, and barely holding back the obvious ‘Octo-Pie’ pun.
    Skippy inspires me to be a funnier person.
    (I’m already annoying enough.)
    Keep doin’ what ‘cha do, Skipster!


  89. Brian H Says:

    “direct deposit” — childish pleasures are the best!

    (BTW, it’s “lo and behold”, no lowness involved. Not even moo-type lowing.)

    Would someone who had been octopied be an octopuss? ;)


  90. nichevo Says:

    The epitome of restraint, IMHO. He skipped right past “moose-s**t pie,” which would have been the first thing on my mind.

    (I have no ideological objection to pie-ing except I feel the target should be warned. I got my glasses broken once.)


  91. PO3 Thpbbbbb Says:

    This story spawned my favorite side bad image from this site: If high velocity ambush squid is wrong then I don’t want to be right. The line makes me laugh because, being in the Navy, I am a squid. On weekends, I might even be a high velocity ambush squid.


  92. Eric Seiden Says:

    Fantastically subversive and brilliant. A+


  93. A-TripleDotDoubled Says:

    It seems I’ve been a little slow noticing this blog. Last time I was here must’ve been around three years ago, though, while at Uni.

    Mwahahahahaha! Now I know what event to suggest for the next company Christmas: pie-throwing! Now, should I suggest a target…

    Failing that, I’ll take along a rotary potato cannon to the paintball match suggested by someone else.


  94. LT's wife Says:

    Absa-frickin-lutely brilliant, Skippy. My husband heard this one from a retired Army medic, and he loves it as well. You keep up the good work, soldier! >:)


  95. jimbo Says:

    “Pie doesn’t have testicles”?


  96. jimbo Says:

    Yeah; how about a Rocky Mountain oyster pie?


  97. Willy Says:

    Skippy, you probably should not of done that. That is in direct violation of rule 87.

    Ok, but seriously, that was friggin AWESOME!


    Willy reply on November 4th, 2009 9:58 pm:

    Well, it probably was, if rule 87 existed at the time.


  98. Valor's Minion Says:

    you, sir, are a credit to the armed forces of our great United States. I salute you.

    I am also now curious what a squid-pie would taste like. (Or a calamari-pie, at any rate….)


  99. Jack Says:

    Okay that explains the “any reference to squid” part of the cadence thing, but what about the others?

    Also if you could make a cadence incorporating all those elements I would love you forever.


  100. Dr Charles Forbin Says:

    I have a young lady in my office who is known to some of us as Mistress Skippy ..and more than once I’ve had to restrain her sense of humor to keep her from getting fired .. such as taking away her Nerf Gatling gun before she could use it on one of the supervisors …

    I’m not going to say a word to her about Squid Pie.. but I’m sending her the rest of the list.

    Not that I’m totally innocent….
    When the same supervisor went on vacation I did put a false wall of paper with a pattern of bricks over his office door and scrawled “For the love of God, Montessori” on it…

    I never even made his suspect list and neither did Mistress Skippy he was so dumb.. ..although my supervisor damn well knew I did it..and he didn’t care


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  107. David B Says:

    I hope you don’t mind Skippy, but I used this on my HS Principal after a “fun run” on the last day of school. The teacher didn’t care about the squid, because the principal wasn’t really that loved. His reaction was the same as your CO, word for word.


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