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Archive for June 25th, 2008

Well, Maybe The Clowns

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

So the other day my wife sent me the following link: NSFW

Go ahead an take a look, I’ll wait.

Ready? Good.

Now this nice lady has gone and made a list of the things that she doesn’t like to see in porn. And since I kind of have a thing about lists, I thought I would help her out, by making my own list.

Things That Skippy Doesn’t Want To See In Porn

  1. Marilyn Monroe (Before you say anything, bear in mind she’s been dead for around thirty years)
  2. Andy Dick
  3. Any of the Muppets
  4. Weasels
  5. A Pterodactyl
  6. Clowns (Even though you could get 20 of them in the back seat of a tiny car)
  7. Daleks
  8. My Grandparents
  9. Any form of Lol-speak
  10. Limericks, iambic pentameter, or haiku
  11. Non-Euclidean Geometry
  12. Product Placements
  13. Fan-fic
  14. Subliminal Advertising
  15. Festive citrus, a female wash pot, or females sharing a cup

C’thulu Does Not Approve of This Nonsense

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

Normally I try not to engage in snark-fests with people who leave comments on my site. It doesn’t make me look particularly classy, and it rarely, if ever, solves anything.

But sometimes you get “one of those comments”. One of those ones that are so far out there that it is just begging for me to say something. A comment that just demands my attention, like a hot redhead in a mini-skirt wriggling coquettishly. And like a hot redhead in a mini-skirt, sometimes I just have to go “Man I’d like to get me a piece of that.”

And so I present morrogoth who responded to I’ve Been Wanting To Get This Off Of My Chest with the following:

to ward away evil summoned one must:
1. deny its exsistance, for a god is no more a god if no one believes in him any more
2. takes salt, silvers shavings and amethyst dust and create a circle and reverse that ritual, it will seal the creature again
3. dont believe that 2 con artists were able to translate texts from a people who barely left writings, into a full working spell book, and i know for fact that the rosetta stone has no sumerian text on it.
4. dont believe that 1 of said conmen mysteriously vanished leaving his house for sale to future led zepplin front man, his disappearance leads many to believe he messed with bad stuff, or he got caught in the cookie jar
5. cthulu was created when law and order seemed unbalanced, as many ancient religions. so if i recited fancy unintelligible words i can bring Sprague de Camps Conan the Cimmerian to life to pillage and loot?
or then the sexy red nails or Set?
remember my words
magic has no power over those who not give it power

Rebuttal by skippy

Thank you for you kind and timely words of advice. I do have a few issues with them that I would like to address

1. Deny the summoned evil’s existence.

This is potentially awkward, seeing as you just summoned him and all.


“I don’t believe in you! Now Piss off!”

Just seems kind of rude to me. Plus I kind of suspect that the Great Lord C’thulu doesn’t particularly care if you believe in him or not. The only thing that belief changes, as far as he is concerned, is your flavor.

I think that non-believers taste like zesty ranch.

2. Salt, silver shavings, and amethyst dust?

Dude, that’s pretty much seasoning for C’thulu. You might as well just soak in a marinade and lightly sprinkle yourself with 11 herbs and spices. You’ll be tentacle-licking good.

3. This whole thing you list seems awfully specific to ward of all evil. What if you summoned something from say, the Aztec pantheon? How is disbelieving in two random dude’s translation of Sumerian going to help you there?

I don’t think that Ahuitzotl even speaks Sumerian.

4. Again, not going to list that nonsense again down here, but I rather doubt that most people here believed that in the first place. Or where aware that it was a possibility.

But if I ever find myself confronted with some form of dark and eldritch being of darkness and evil, I will definitely inform it, in no uncertain terms, that I don’t believe that the future Led Zeppelin front man disappeared as a result of supernatural shenanigans.

Because I bet that shit works like Kryptonite.

5a. I’m pretty sure C’thulu was created when Howard Phillips Lovecraft had some bad hashish.
5b. Summoning Sprague de Camp’s Conan the Cimmerian would be a neat trick. Seeing as how Conan was a Robert E. Howard character and all.
5c. I’m pretty sure that I could probably summon Conan, Red Nails, or Set by reciting fancy unintelligible words. I’m just awesome that way.

I suspect that you, however, would probably be lucky to get two Pokemons and a Snork.

I appreciate the advice, but it is clear to me that you are no higher than a 3rd level pseudo-neo-pagan. Once you get enough XP to level up you’ll gain the new class ability called Joke. I really think if you manage to get that one it will help you out a lot.

I myself am a 9th level Sarcastic Asshole. (Its a 4th Edition Prestige Class)