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Archive for June 2nd, 2008

More Monday Morning “Do Not Do This” Updates

Monday, June 2nd, 2008

Well technically I’m, putting this up on Sunday night. But I’m pretty that most of you aren’t reading this until Monday morning.

It’s occurred to me that some readers who were not in the military might not get all of the acronyms and Army-speak. If your confused, feel free to ask in the comments section. I’m sure one of the various service people who reads this will be able to answer. If enough people ask, I may just make a lexicon for the site.

This week’s update comes from Kyle Harth. Who was probably a very interesting person to serve with.

  • Wearing donated women’s clothing, in the G-1 shop, does not make them process your OPFUND paperwork faster.
  • It is not acceptable to get smashed at the local guest house, sharing land navigation point numbers, while you are supposed to be in the woods.
  • Soldiers are not allowed to cut open artillery simulators and ignite the piles of gunpowder.
  • Throwing disposable lighters into the fire barrels is not the correct way to get a better position for warming up.
  • When forced to go to AA, after your Field Grade Article 15, it is not appropriate to say, “Because of my alcohol related incident, I don’t drink anymore…I don’t drink any less, either!” (Although this will ensure that you don’t have to go to anymore of those stupid meetings.)
  • “Get the %#@* out of my HMMWV, or I will tie you to it and drag you behind”, is not the correct way to deal with journalists in a combat zone.
  • Mowing the letters “FTA” into the grass while on Extra Duty is not appreciated by the CSM.
  • Burning giant bales of marijuana is not the correct way to keep warm after destroying a warlord’s compound.
  • Running from the MPs, while wearing togas and laying down a “smoke screen” with a stolen fire extinguisher, out the window of your vehicle, is not authorized.
  • Hawaiian shirts, baseball hats, and shorts are not appropriate attire, when manning the MK-19, during a rocket launch site recon.
  • Utilizing the PT route to race your friends home drunk in your “blacked out” POV, is usually frowned upon by the MPs and your Command Staff.
  • Servicemembers are not allowed to request to use the breathalyser at the MP station to “see who knows how to party”.
  • Especially if you’re driving.
  • Even if you tell them it’s OK to arrest all of you so that you can blow.
  • CS grenades are not to be used in European basement clubs.
  • CS powder is not to be sprinkled on the top of your neighbor’s barracks room door then gently closed and re-locked with the keys you stole from the CQ.
  • Stealing a few pieces to the CSM’s 2000 piece puzzle every time you are called into the OPS Center is awesome. But only if you are not caught.
  • Soldier’s shall not steal the Commander’s vehicle and go to WVU for a night of drinking. Even if when you get there, several other Teams are there in a stolen 2 ½ Ton.
  • Airborne operations are not to be performed while still intoxicated from the night before. They are especially not to be done in tandem with your other “E-4 Mafia” brother’s, consecutively, for several years.
  • The Army did not send you to 13 months of medical training so that you could refer to IV’s and Oxygen as “Hangover Helpers”, and live your life through “better chemistry”.
  • While it’s an awesome way to save money, you are still considered a thief if you are caught using a stolen ladder to swipe the Scout Platoon’s beer from the second story windowsills during “outdoor beer season”.
  • “Survival Training” is not an appropriate response when caught shooting wild game with a cleaning rod and blanks.
  • AR 670-1 does not (apparently) allow for the BDU trousers to be worn tucked into your snake skin cowboy boots. (Even if you lost a bet because your buddy drank piss from said boots.)
  • While assigned to (or visiting) Camp Vance, you are not allowed to dress in drag, and pose for “The Men of Man-Love Thursday” calendar.
  • During training exercises, machine-guns cannot be abandoned because they are too heavy to E&E with…even if you remove the firing pins and take them with you.
  • It is illegal to call your car in stolen after you have abandoned it off-post, after running from the MPs, and taking out a large section of perimeter fence.
  • Golf Carts are supposed to be used on the Golf Course. Any other use is unauthorized. Like joyriding while drinking beer, then writing “Go Navy, Army Sucks” on them, and abandoning them in front of the SEAL’s barracks.
  • It is against Military and Civilian Law to use an F-470 Zodiac to raid lobster traps while in Dive School.
  • Repositioning the Commander of Area 51’s vehicle, ever so slightly, every time he enters the OPS briefing, is…well…super damn funny!
  • UAV’s will not be used to “check out chicks”. Nor will Rotary Wing Assets, NVGs, Thermals, or Long Range Photography Equipment.
  • A CALFEX is not the appropriate place to drop acid.
  • When giving a survival class on cleaning wild game, you are not allowed to eat raw pig’s liver, even if it was an appropriate response to someone’s smart-assed comment.
  • T-shirts displaying the words “$@*# you, you $@*#ing $@*#!” are not to be worn during Military Christmas Parade processions.
  • Mortar rounds fired on “Delay” are not to be used for trying to uproot trees on the range.
  • A 72 hour pass given with a promotion and your EIB, does not authorize you to rent a car, get drunk, and roll it two and half times.
  • “En’Shallah” is not to be used as a response to why you are doing something that is unauthorized. (Even if it’s appropriate to the demographic that you are in.)
  • E-4’s are not allowed to pose as civilians so that they can get loaded at the Officer’s Club and pick up chicks.
  • When planning for small boat operations, the command element will not approve nude beaches as potential Beach Landing Sites.
  • Teddies and lace panties will not be worn under the military uniform when showing up for a rectal exam.
  • “How do you know how fast I was going if you don’t have a radar gun?” is the wrong response to give a Brigade Commander when seen racing your four wheeler around the airfield (at about 50 mph).
  • The Desert Boonie Hat, even if you hate wearing it, can not have four inches added to the brim, and eight inches added to the crown, so that it looks like “Cat in the Hat.”
  • It is punishable under the UCMJ to possess (and use) an MP badge, if you are not an MP.
  • Setting up a “secret communications frequency” in order to play Guns and Roses, while performing a ground invasion, is…you guessed it, not authorized.
  • You are not allowed to “shoot for beers” while conducting marksmanship training.
  • Personally owned watercraft (jet skis) are not supposed to be transported on military trailers, in convoy.
  • Being assigned as the Battalion Military Vehicle Drivers Training NCO, does not give you the right to invite all your friends and relatives for some “four wheeling” on post.
  • Simmunition is supposed to be used to engage targets, center mass. Intentionally shooting at the nuts is frowned upon.
  • “Kangaroo Court” is not an authorized form of Military Tribunal.
  • Possession of uniforms, in your wall locker, with different ranks and unit insignia will tend to arouse suspicion among your superiors.
  • Pen Flare/Cluster Flare/Parachute Flare wars can, and will, start forest fires…which, oddly, you will be held responsible for.

And lastly:

  • Making E-4 three times in four years does not mean you can’t make E-7 in SF.