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Archive for June 19th, 2008

Same Sex Marriages. My Jack Assed Opinion and Why You Are Wrong.

Thursday, June 19th, 2008

Well, California has started having same sex marriages.

Good for them!

I never understood the problem people have with same sex marriages or homosexuality in the first place. Ya, I know, some people have religious reasons and think it is a sin and God hates fags, and all that crap.

Well they are wrong. I know they are wrong because I spoke to God, and It told me those people are full of shit, and although God does not hate anyone, if It did, those intolerant, bigots would be near the top of Its’ list. But since God loves and tolerates everyone, and there is no Hell, God told me the only punishment these bigots will get is a slap to the back of the head when they reach the after life, and a stern, “What were you thinking?” (Seriously, God is pretty hip once you get to know It better, and is also a surprisingly good cook.)

I think the argument that I have heard that makes the least sense, is that allowing homosexuals to marry will damage traditional heterosexual marriages.


Well, I never can seem to get an answer on that one. How does two homosexuals being married impact your marriage in any way, shape, or form? You’re still married. If your marriage is so fragile that two married homosexuals down the street will endanger it, I guarantee that your marriage sucks already and the gays getting hitched is not your biggest problem.

Oh. Wait. I get it. A lot of the opponents to same sex marriage are worried that if the option to marry the same sex exists, they will be forced to go gay. Because that is the only thing stopping most people from being gay, is that marriage isn’t available. Why would anyone marry the opposite sex when you can marry one of your own and avoid all those Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus issues?

Why should I put up with some bitchy woman on her period once a month, when I can marry my best buddy, and enjoy a football game in peace?

You ever ask yourself the question, “Whose dick do I have to suck to get a little peace and quiet around here?” Well if I marry a man, now I have an answer to that question. And as far as sex goes, I bet I can convince my new husband that we would both be happier going out and picking up some chicks, because as cool as this same sex marriage thing is, I need a little poontang once in a while. I know this would not be a problem, because any man I found worthy of marrying would like pussy as much as I do…duh.

I know, I know. I’d make a horrible gay man. My girlfriend tells me that all the time. Plus I have an overly sensitive gag reflex.

Seriously though, I don’t think marriage should even be a legal institution, but since that isn’t going to go away anytime soon, I totally support same sex marriages, because this is America and slowly but surely we will give everyone the same rights and treatment as everyone else. I know America’s track record on living up to that is shit, and if you disagree ask a Native American, an immigrant, a black person or a woman,…hell ask anyone. We all get screwed in one way or another, but at least this is one wrong that is being righted and I support it whole heartedly.

If you are one of those people opposed to same sex marriage, you need to pull the stick out of your butt and stop trying to make other people live by your rules. By the way, it is not hard to remove the stick from your butt, as I am sure you can clearly see it being that your head is up there too. Just grab it with your teeth and it will come out when you pull your head out. Now go take a shower. Your hair smells, and you should probably brush your teeth too.

Finally, I will point out my only reservation about whether legalizing same sex marriage is the right thing to do. The only problem I see with same sex marriage is that if you do not have sex before marriage, you could be in for a rude surprise on your honeymoon when you realize your wife has an eight inch clitoris and no vagina. But I don’t advocate saving sex for marriage either.