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Archive for June 30th, 2008

Things That Should Not Be Done In The British Army

Monday, June 30th, 2008

As an American, one thing I have gotten used to is the fact that people in England always want to copy us. They started by copying our democratic system of government, and then moved on to TV shows. Soon programs like The Weakest Link, The Office, and Dr. Who had been seized, and translated out of their native tongue and into what they like to call “The Queens English”. Its just like our English, except that its spelled funny, they cuss wrong, and use proper grammar.

Well now they’ve gone an Anglo-morphed my list.

Here is the result, as transcribed by one of their medics.

(Submitted by Stitch)

  1. Not allowed to phone out for pizza while on exercise.
  2. Not allowed to sell moonshine.
  3. Not allowed to feign bleeding during a drugs test.
  4. My corps badge is the Rod of Aesclepius, not “the SnakeStick.”
  5. Not allowed to run a book on racing the very same cockroaches we don’t officially have!
  6. Not allowed to invent medical conditions.
  7. Not allowed to sneak back in under the barbed wire at three in the morning.
  8. Not allowed to start a gay bar on the camp. This applies in conjunction with #2
  9. If I am gonna be mistaken for a guy, must not get caught “sneaking” into the women’s accommodation.
  10. See 9: When caught, “I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body” is not a reasonable defence.
  11. Not allowed a mohawk.
  12. Not authorized to issue “beer tokens.”
  13. Not mine: Not allowed to head-butt vending machines, even if it did steal a pound.
  14. Not allowed to play “human bowling.”
  15. Medicine balls are not appropriate equipment for playing dodgeball.
  16. A live adder is not appropriate equipment for playing dodgeball.
  17. Not mine: Must not leave a still running while away on exercise…BOOM!
  18. “How the fuck do you even tie your shoes?” is not motivational.
  19. Not allowed to get in fights in town.
  20. Not allowed to practice medicine “off the books.”
  21. If your disease sounds strange and Stitch diagnosed it you’re probably being had! (See Skippy #213)
  22. Not allowed to play companies off one another.
  23. Not authorized to administer “mob justice.”
  24. See 23: Even for something sickening.
  25. Not authorized to administer military discipline.
  26. Not authorized to promote teddy bears above my own rank.
  27. Not allowed to leave a teddy bear on sentry.
  28. Must not show up to a staff parade dressed as a ninja turtle.
  29. Must not show up to a staff parade dressed as a drag queen.
  30. Must not show up to a staff parade in nothing but my boots and a hat.
  31. Must not sneak prostitutes onto the base.
  32. Rubbing the inside of a respirator with Deep Heat is evil.
  33. Rubbing my face with baking soda before entering the respirator test chamber is cheating!
  34. Not mine: Must not receive fellatio from a resuscitation doll.
  35. Mine: Must not be the first person to train on said doll.
  36. Not allowed to get anything pierced.
  37. Not allowed a facial tattoo.
  38. APC’s are not for taking a girlfriend in.
  39. The night medic should refrain from turning drinks “Irish”, even if she’s freezing her arse off!
  40. Not allowed to do “funny shit” with tritium paint.

Also, I like the word Anglo-morph. Anglo-morph sounds like it should be a monster that Godzilla would fight. A giant very polite city crushing monstrosity, with bad teeth. It’s probably looking for tea. I hear they like tea.

Like a 300 foot tall Eddie Izzard with atomic fire breath.

Um, I’ll stop now.