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Archive for June 9th, 2008

Australian For “Things You Can’t Do”

Monday, June 9th, 2008

This weeks list of bad military ideas comes from an Army Cadet in the Australian military. Which should probably be terrifying if you are a soldier in the Australian military.

(Submitted by Cadet Who?)

  • Must not refer to a lanyard as a “ropey thingy”
  • Must not use a lanyard to hang an NCO, salve no matter how much I hate them
  • Must not use wit to come up with “funny” rhymes about NCO’s
  • The chain of command doesn’t care how long I have played PS2 for, medic I still have to do drill
  • Ghostmas is not a real religious holiday and I shouldn’t take time off cadets for it
  • I am not the crazy cat lady
  • I must not make my personal army of cats
  • I am not in charge of the zero gravity universe
  • There is no such thing as the zero gravity universe
  • I am no longer to do the “Eden” dance
  • I am no longer allowed to dance the “Krystal”
  • Walter the bank guy (deal or no deal) is not my home dog
  • Using large amounts of hair gel causes cancer and hair loss, doctor think about it
  • I am not the president of Uzbekistan
  • I am not to cover the parade ground with sand and create a Zen garden
  • I am not allowed to re-enact anything from Jackass
  • I am not to see how many marshmallows I can shove up my nose
  • When in cold conditions, I am not allowed to lick poles
  • I am not allowed to steal the company’s flag, this achieves nothing
  • I am not to push that button on the radio while someone is talking
  • I am not to inquire how to make “cadet cocaine”
  • I am not to flatten my face against windows
  • I am not to convert people to “The Dark side”
  • “The Dark side” does not have cookies
  • I am not to go into the Q store and become “The Magical Scrim Monster”
  • I am not Fergalicious
  • I am not to encourage other cadets to irritate the NCO’s
  • “Point and laugh” is not a drill move
  • I am not to go on a mission based solely on pushing over sleeping cows
  • I must not put the bandages used for First-Aid lessons in my mouth, I don’t know where they’ve been
  • I cannot fly and I should not test this
  • There’s no such thing as “scrim attack”
  • Manikin look-a-likes of me don’t replace me at lessons, camps or parades
  • I don’t know kung-fu, and I should not say this
  • I do not have an evil twin
  • I am not to get other sections lost on purpose, even if it is funny
  • The SSGT is not a member of Al-Qaeda
  • Saying that I was dropped on my head at birth does not justify anything bad I have done
  • I am to speak English at all times, Not German, not Chinese, English
  • I am not bringing Sexy back
  • If I start seeing Leprechauns, I’ve drunk too much coke
  • I am not to do anything I saw in the movie “Jarhead”, especially “field f**k”
  • I am not to taunt the air-force cadets anymore
  • The SSGT is not a ferret, even though with his new hair style he does look like one.
  • New recruits are not “cannon fodder”
  • I must not itch myself with a loaded steyer