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Archive for June 26th, 2008

A List of Clown Porn Gags (Blame Skippy for bringing it up).

Thursday, June 26th, 2008

I doubt the following is safe for work, but if the title did not tip you off to that, you deserve to get fired.

In his last post, Skippy mentioned that one of the things he does not want to see in porn is clowns. Also this has unintentionally turned into “list week” on the site, so I ran with it.

I am sure most readers of this site are aware of a film called “Clown Porn.” (That link is definitely not safe for work.)

I had always thought it would be funny to make a clown porno of some sort. As a comic, I know it only has so much potential, and figured it would make a good animated short. You can imagine my surprise to find out that there was a full length, live action movie about clown sex. So I checked out the trailer at the above link, and realized that they missed so many potential jokes and sight gags. But then again, people that make porn are not known for being too funny, at least not intentionally. But they tried, and I have to give them credit for that.

So, here is a list of clown porn gags that I would incorporate into my movie if I were to make one.

1. Clown deepthroat: The clown nose honks each time it hits the pubic area above the penis. Honk. Honk. Honk. Honk. Honk.

2. Never ending penis: Think about that scarf a clown pulls out of his pocket that just never seems to end. Imagine a clown “whipping it out” and he just keeps pulling and pulling and pulling more penis out as it makes a large pile on the floor. And it should probably be rainbow colored just for the fun of it.

3. Clown car vagina: One clown goes in, and then the next and the next and the next, until you have about twenty clowns in her. She acts like they are running around in there, she orgasms, and then shoots them out one by one like human cannon balls.

4. Squirting “flower”: You have a male clown undress a female clown. He takes off her shirt to reveal her breasts, and as he uncovers them, they squirt him in the face. He quickly covers them back up. Slowly he reveals just one and gets squirted right in the eye. Giving up on the breasts, he goes and removes her panties and gets squirted from there too.

5. Oooops the condom came off: If you do the safe sex thing, you could have the condom fall off inside the female clown. The male clown sticks his whole arm in to retrieve it. He looks like he is reaching all around in there and finding nothing. He suddenly gets a pleased look on his face and starts to pull something out, but instead of a condom, it is a bunch of flowers. He throws them to the side and goes back in, and after some more intense fishing around, he comes back out with a rabbit. Back in, and this time he finds a monkey wrench. He goes in one more time and you see him pull the end of the condom out. When he almost has it out, suddenly, it pulls back. He engages in a tug of war with the condom until he eventually loses and gets pulled in.

6. Cotton candy: A couple of clowns would not have real pubic hair, just little mounds of cotton candy.

7. Rainbow pubes: This is self explanatory.

8. Sweeping up the wet spot: It’s like the old sweeping up the shrinking spotlight bit, but with the wet spot.

9. Confetti money shot: He pulls out and shoots confetti all over the female clown.

10. Seltzer money shot: He pulls out and is going to skeet on her face, but instead it is a huge torrent of seltzer water. Lots of it. And just when it seems like there is no more left, and she begins to rub it all over herself, another huge torrent, larger than the first blasts her.

11. More honking: All intercourse will have honking on the in-stroke.

12. Slide whistle: Some how this seems like a good sound effect for an anal scene, but could be good for another blow job scene too. Whooooeeeep. Wheeeeoooop. Whooooeeeep. Wheeeeoooop.

Well that’s it, and just like real porn the women will leave their shoes on. Their big floppy shoes. I wonder, do they make floppy shoes with clear heels?