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“The Backscratcher”

June 3rd, 2008 by LT Ronald

No shit there I was, because that is what all good army stories begin with.

So there I was, Camp Shelby MS. Pre-Mob OIF-IV. Soldiers of my unit were on “lock-down”, meaning they could go nowhere. After three and a half months of training the soldiers were given a two-day pass. Many had family make the 16 hour drive or three hour flight to come visit their soldiers.

This was no different for the unit armorer, we’ll call him young SPC Wesley Green. His brand new wife came down to visit, and they rented a hotel room to go and do the things that young married peoples do.

When he showed up at the orderly room to sign out, the First Sergeant was in a corner scratching his back with a wire coat hanger. “Specialist Green,” he intoned while still scratching, “It would behoove you to give us some contact information for your room, in the event of some sort of Armorer related emergency over the next few days. Am I clear?”

He was, and the Specialist ran off with his pass, eager to see his wife.

Now Young SPC Wesley Green was a conscientious soldier, and wanted to ensure that his First Sergeant could get a hold of him if he needed to. So, as soon as he got to the hotel room, he called back to the company orderly room and asked for “Top”. Top Toven put down the wire coat hanger that he was scratching his back with, and the conversation went as follows:

YSWG (Young SPC Wesley Green): Hey Top, I made it to the hotel, if you’re re..ady to wr-wr-wr..ite down the info, I….I’ll give it to you.

Top Toven: Glad to hear it, hope the hotel is nice, go ahead with that info.

YSWG: It it it…. The Best Western, on Bufford P.P.P.ike, the numb..er is, is…. Oh God, Where’s that number.

Top Toven: (in a very low and exasperated tone): It’s probably on the phone Wes.

YSWG: Oh that’s a good, ohhhhhh so gooood, idea, the number is 812*******.

Top Toven: Wes are you getting a blowjob, while talking to me?!?!

YSWG: ………. (sheepishly) Yes Top.

Top Toven: (screaming) Why you little Son of a…. I’m gonna kill you when you get back, I will PT you to death! *Slams down the phone!*

On the day that the troops returned from their pass, I was standing there watching. Top Toven was standing there as well, with that “Top look” on his face. I’ve seen 40 year-old men run from this look. This is the same guy that created the “fourth Army answer”. There are three generally accepted Army answers: “Yes”, “No”, and “I don’t know at this time, but I will find out and report back to you”. Top Toven created the fourth answer that only First Sergeants can use: “I don’t know, but I have a mother-fucking Frag Grenade, now get the fuck out of my orderly room, before I pull this fucking pin!”

Strolling up from the bus stop is Young Specialist Wesley Green, his head down, like a dog that knows it’s gonna get whipped. First Sergeant Toven, 6’4″, black belt in Tae Kwon Do, with his “Top Look”, now turned into a “Top Glare” was still waiting. As Young Specialist Wesley Green approached Top, he quickly produced a fine wooden, souvenir backscratcher, and said “Backscratcher Top!”

They say that First Sergeant Toven’s heart grew three sizes that day in Whoville, as all he did was snatch the backscratcher from Young SPC Wesley Green’s paws, clicked his heels in an about face, and marched off saying “I’ll take it!”

Attention to detail saved the day!

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11 Responses to ““The Backscratcher””

  1. Stickfodder Says:

    Most guy’s in his situation (heading off to a hotel to spend some “quality” time with his wife) wouldn’t of noticed anything like that. He has a real eye for detail.


  2. barry Says:

    fourth army answer laughed my ass off on that one


  3. Samone Says:

    If he was in the Navy, he would have got applauded for calling while getting a blowie, in fact, pictures would have been requested… spose thats the difference between army and navy.. haha


    LT Ronald reply on June 3rd, 2008 7:29 pm:

    So what you’re saying here is that you would have requested pictures of your fellow sailor’s erect penis?

    Sounds like there is a pretty big difference between army and navy.


    freddyboomboom reply on June 14th, 2008 2:54 am:

    Actually, what would have been requested would have been nekkid pictures of the wife.

    As in “got any nekkid pictures of your wife?”

    “Sure, wanna see?”

    Above conversation virtually verbatim between a Barracks Security Petty Officer watchstander (me) and sumdood in the barracks I was going through at the time…


    Minkis reply on June 26th, 2008 4:30 am:

    “Got any naked pictures of your wife? No? …Do you want some?”

    Signalist reply on August 17th, 2011 6:36 am:

    Well, there IS a saying in Finnish Army; “what civilians call ‘gay’ is called ‘team spirit’ in the Army, what is called ‘gay’ in the Army is known as ‘brotherhood’ in the Navy”


  4. ArchaicDome Says:

    That friggin rocked. I’ve been the young wife on the other end of that call before, and never thought about how funny it could be… :)


  5. Sean Says:

    Anyone else for voting ArchaicDome “Military Wife of the Year” not only for the admission, but for having willingly done it? :P

    Or does she mean she was in the soldier *holding* the phone’s position? lol That deserves applause in and of itself just for the concentration required.


    Stickfodder reply on June 4th, 2008 9:54 am:

    I second that motion


  6. TheShadowCat Says:

    That young man will do very well as a husband.


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