Romancing the Pwn
While I was in Bosnia I got to witness some truly awe inspiring disregard for appropriate conduct.
Now to preface, many of the rules and regulations the military inflicts on its soldiers are ridiculous. And a silly regulation should probably be mocked. But you should still follow it, especially if you are a leader. And if you are going to ignore it and just do what you want, you should at least have the courtesy to attempt to hide it from your soldiers.
So while I was deployed in Bosnia I got to work with Reservists for the first time. In fact, about half of the PSYOP forces in Sarajevo were deployed from the Reserves. My section lucked out, in that the most senior of the illustrators in country, a man who I will call Specialist Dart, had extensive training and experience with graphic design from his civilian job. So he taught me all about Photoshop, vector graphics, and Quark.
Unfortunately not all of the Reservists had similar amounts of applicable job experience. But most of them where willing to sit down and learn their way around the software and other job requirements.
But the video productions section had an NCO who I will call SGT Screecher. Now SGT Screecher was a very nice lady who had a few issues. The first is that she had absolutely no idea how any of the equipment in here section worked. She had transfered from some other area and received on the job training for her current assignment. Her on the job training more or less consisted of someone waving a pencil and shouting: “Abracadabra….you’re now qualified to lead video production!” And unfortunately for everyone, she didn’t want to learn. Basically, she had too much of an ego to allow a bunch of lower enlisted types to teach her how the equipment worked. So she just sat around her section being annoying until a higher ranking NCO kicked her out.
So she was now banished from being in the same office as the soldiers she was technically “leading”.
Which was no big deal to me, because I was in another section entirely.
Which leads nicely into my problem. My section leader was a man I will call SGT Horndog.
As you may guess from the name, SGT Horndog took one look at SGT Screecher and decided:
“I’m going to hit that so hard, whoever can pull me out again will be the next King of England!”
As nearly any soldier who has deployed can tell you, these “deployed romances” happen from time to time. And by “time to time”, I mean “near constantly”. In this particular case it was notable because weren’t particularly good at hiding it. But that special kind of “not hiding it” where they act like they are concealing their real actions with an almost ninja-like ability.
I named her SGT Screecher for a reason.
So besides keeping other soldiers up at odd hours, she would hang around my office making goo-goo eyes at Horndog and basically acting like an infatuated teenager. Seriously, she usually referred to him as “Honey” or by his first name while in uniform and on duty. (For purposes of this story I will say that his first name is Pookie.)
You know those people who are going through the nauseating “Yay I just started dating someone” phase? That was her. Except that she had rank and wasn’t above throwing it around if someone was mean to her “Honey”. I actually got chewed out once for trying to demonstrate a better way to make a layout to SGT Horndog. (Please note: I was an illustrator. This was my job.)
Aside from clogging up our space, and giving us a serious case of cooties induced diabetes, she also made an email account on every computer in our office.
Now this was in the mid-nineties before computers had multi-gig hard drives. We did graphic production and had itty-bitty drives to store it on. We had to use external storage media, such as Jazz and Zip disks, simply because we couldn’t fit all of the material we were working with onto our system at the same time.
So we had a special (read: crappy) computer just for email accounts, in the back.
Unfortunately for us, SGT Screecher didn’t like that computer. So she would just help herself to the workstations. She would even try to kick soldiers who were working off of the workstations so she could spend her afternoons sending emails to every person she ever knew.
And our NCOIC wouldn’t do a damn thing about it because he wanted to keep getting some.
One day SPC Dart (remember him?) had enough.
“SGT you can’t keep using these workstations for personal email. There’s no room for files we need already, plus we need the system to get the next magazine print set-up.”
She gave him a petulant pout, “Well Pookie would give me access to this system whenever I want!”
“SGT, would you like a quick rundown of all the things that SGT Horndog will give you whenever you want that I won’t? Because orgasms are pretty close to the top of that list.”
And with that she turned red, and ran away, never to bother us about email again. And my section lived happily ever after, except for SGT Horndog.
Follow
June 11th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Is this a repost? I’ve read this before.
Reply
skippy reply on June 11th, 2008 2:25 am:
I’m pretty sure I’ve never posted this story before. It’s possible somone else from the unit posted their take on it. Where did you see it?
Reply
Megan reply on June 11th, 2008 3:39 am:
Pretty sure I saw it here. Yours is the only military themed blog I read and I’ve been reading your blog for a while now since well before the overhaul. I think the way it was told is slightly different but I remember reading about the woman sgt …
Wait, I could be thinking of the story that had some kind of racial overtones to it that also featured a stupid lazy female sgt like the one in this story. Perhaps that’s what I’m thinking of?
Reply
Megan reply on June 11th, 2008 3:41 am:
Here, I think I got it mixed in my head because isn’t Sgt Generic in this story also Sgt Screecher?
http://skippyslist.com/2007/07/31/sgt-generic-part-1/
Reply
skippy reply on June 11th, 2008 3:43 am:
I see the confusion. No SGT Generic was a different woman entirely.
June 11th, 2008 at 2:38 am
I don’t think its a repost. I don’t remember reading this story at any other point.
Reply
June 11th, 2008 at 2:45 am
the aliases just make that story
Reply
June 11th, 2008 at 2:47 am
“I’m going to hit that so hard, whoever can pull me out again will be the next King of England!”
dude i am so gonna use that one
Reply
Samus reply on June 11th, 2008 7:23 am:
Agreed, an instant classic. I think I’ll put it on Urban Dictionary.
Reply
Angelus reply on June 12th, 2008 12:28 am:
Perhaps we could call it “Excaliburing” someone.
Reply
Minty reply on June 12th, 2008 1:15 am:
Yeah, but didn’t Arthur get Excalibur from the Lady in the Lake? I think the Sword in the Stone was a different sword altogether.
Hm…what to call it?
StoneWolf reply on October 5th, 2008 3:14 am:
If I remember correctly the newest version it was Merlin who got the sword and set about a magical contest of removing the sword and Arthur won. Incidentally, the sword in the stone probably comes from “Sword on the stone”, a contest where one Celt tribesman challenged the Chief for leadership. The Chief’s sword was placed on a stone, the Chief and Challenger slugged it out, and the winner took the sword, either remaining or becoming Chief.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:52 am
actually the name excalibur is used for either or both swords depending on the story teller. just one of those funny things.
Reply
Minty reply on June 12th, 2008 3:23 am:
So, should we call it “Excaliburing,” or something else? Maybe “pulling an Arthur?”
Reply
Tony reply on June 12th, 2008 5:53 am:
dude i pendragoned her
Reply
Minty reply on June 12th, 2008 7:04 am:
That’s it! Awesome! Quick, someone go submit it!
Someone more competent than me, that is.
Cyn reply on June 13th, 2008 3:53 am:
Dude, I’ll never be able to wear my Pendragon bodice without thinking of that comment. :: giggles ::
Stickfodder reply on June 13th, 2008 3:14 pm:
Im pretty confident Arthur Got The sword in the stone first then it broke in battle And the lady in the lake gave him Excalibur.
Heres the story i know:
When a sword embedded in a rock appeared in London, with writhing on it promising that only the rightful king of England could remove the weapon, it understandably attracted a great deal of attention. Knight came from across the land to attempt this feat and gain the throne. All failed until Arthur yanked it free – hoping to provide his brother with a weapon, in place of his own, which he had neglected to bring with him. Thus Arthur began one of the most famous monarchical reigns in history or legend.
However, the sword from the stone was far from a perfect weapon. In fact, it broke in combat when the blade was struck a heavy blow by another sword. To replace this now useless weapon, the wizard Merlin took Arthur to a lake. Protruding from this expanse of water was a sword being held by a women – the lady of the lake (but it would later emerge that she was but one of many ladies of the lake). The king rowed out to the weapon and asked her to furnish him with it. She agreed, on condition that he grant her a favor return at some point in the future. Arthur gave his word that he would do so, and accepted the weapon.
The sword was housed in a scabbard covered with gold and encrusted with jewels – surely a most valuable treasure. The sword itself was also finely adorned, with numerous precious stones set in the pommel and hilt. Hence it must not have seemed strange Merlin asked Arthur which he valued more – the sword or the scabbard. Arthur, a pragmatic and material ruler, replied that he preferred the sword. Merlin chided for his foolishness and informed him that the scabbard was magical. While Arthur carried it, his wounds – no matter how grievous – would never bleed.
Later the Lady on the Lake came to Arthur’s court. She told him the name of the weapon she had given him – Excalibur – and demanded that he grant her a favor, as he had promised to do. He agreed to honor his promise, and asked her what she desired. She responded by demanding the life of Balin, a knight who had recently arrived at court. Arthur refused, and offered to do something else foe her instead. He had to choose between committing an unjust killing or breaking his oath. Fortunately, the matter was taken out of his hands when Balin appeared and decapitated the lady. While Arthur was horrified by this, and banished Balin, it certainly solved Arthur’s problem. He bestowed a lavish funeral on her by way of a settling of his debt.
Though he would wield the sword until his life drew near its end, Arthur lost the scabbard. The evil sorceress Morgan Le Fey stole it from his bedchamber and hurled it into a lake – where it promptly sank beneath the weight of the gold and gemstones. Thus its magic was not present to save his life in his final battle, against the forces of his illegitimate son Mordred, after which Arthur lay mortally wounded. As his final request, he asked one of his knights – Sir Bedivere – to hurl Excalibur into a nearby lake. Bedivere agreed, though had second thoughts after he left the dying king’s sight. Thinking it a shame to cast away such a fine weapon, he hid the sword and told Arthur that he had done as commanded. However, when Arthur asked what had happened after he threw the sword into the lake, Bedivere’s answer did not satisfy him. He knew that the knight was trying to deceive him. After one final attempt at deception, Bedivere finally obeyed his king’s order and hurled the sword out onto the water – where it was caught by the hand of another Lady of the Lake.
Reply
Tony reply on June 13th, 2008 6:59 pm:
well the thing of it is this: there’s no definitive text on arthur. it’s a folk legend. so the facts of the story vary from teller to teller. read some different tellings and you’ll be really confused about excalibur. in some versions it’s actually only one sword and the lady of the lake repairs it.
Reply
Minty reply on June 15th, 2008 8:50 am:
While that is true, I think in most versions, the Sword in the Stone and Excalibur are considered separate weapons. Thus, most folklorists conclude that the two-sword theory is the “correct” one.
Granted, this is all just quibbling, but I do caution who you debate this with. Religions have been founded on the Arthurian legends alone (see: http://www.sisterhoodofavalon.org/ ), and no doubt they’d get a bit stroppy if you disagreed with them on any sacred point. After all, it’s THEIR religion, so they should know, right? :)
June 12th, 2008 at 3:08 am
Well, that’s some thourough ownage right there…
Reply
June 12th, 2008 at 3:24 am
Just checked the Urban Dictionary, and there’s a couple sexual references under “Excalibur.”
Nuts.
Reply
Tony reply on June 12th, 2008 7:45 am:
submitted under pendragon
Reply
June 13th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
The urban dictionary also has the entire quote, and has since last October. Ah, well, I thought a new meme was being born. Turns out it’s already walking.
Reply
June 13th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
i got a couple of original ones in there. go check out the “sloppy spirograph” and definition #4 of “Fat Albert”. if you’re not easily offended that is.
Reply