Archive for June, 2008

In my day when military personnel got bored, they made lists of things that they weren’t supposed to do.

Nowadays these kids have their newfangled interwebs, tubes, and digital video recorders. And they make videos and put them online.

And then their chain of command gets all upset and everybody involved gets into trouble.

It turns out that fighter pilot’s balls are more controversial than you would have thought.

Here is the video
(NSFW)

And here is the story of what happened over it.

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Recently I acquired the Age of Conan. This has turned out to be a pretty good MMO, and will probably replace City of Heroes in my gaming rotation.

So now after a week of running amok in a low-fantasy world I decided to pull out my old 80’s sword and sorcery movies. The perfect kind of movie to watch as long as you can just shut your brain off and ignore the horrible dialog, cheap rubber monsters, and plot holes that you could drive a cement mixer through.

One movie in particular caught my attention.

The Beastmaster.

Now the Beastmaster actually stands up pretty well, as far as bad 80’s movies goes. Its cheesy as all hell, but its still fun in pretty much the same way that Xena was. But I did notice a small issue with the ferrets.

You see, I saw this movie when I was a child, and it convinced me that I wanted a pet ferret. This same movie convinced my parents that no such thing was going to happen. In fact, due to a variety of reasons I had been unable to get a pet ferret until about four years ago. And last week was the first time that I have seen this movie since acquiring a set of the furry little kleptomaniacs.

For those of you unfamiliar with this movie, the main character, a young man named Dar, fights against the forces of evil with the help of his animal companions. He communicates with them telepathically and they help him in a wide variety of ways during his adventures.

Amongst his animal companions are two ferrets named Podo and Kodo. These critters are portrayed as a couple from their first scene. In fact by the end of the movie they are shown to have children together.

The only problem is that they are both boy ferrets.

This is will actually be fairly obvious to anyone who owns ferrets as the females are about half the size of the males with these animals, plus they have pointier faces.

So basically I immediately recognize that these are boys and that they appear to be in a gay relationship. So I paid more attention and noticed a few other details that supported my new theory.

One of the ferrets can be seen with a litter of babies near the end of the film. Now there is no way that those two reproduced in any traditional way. So clearly they have taken the adoption route. Most likely from China.

Their primary enemy is a priest. An evil priest who practices human sacrifice, but a priest none-the-less. So just like in real life the gays find themselves being opposed by a member of the clergy. No doubt he seized power by pandering to the “anti-gay ferret adoption” values voter.

“Sure, I’m against his whole ‘Hurl our infants into the sacrificial flame’ policy. But we have to protect marriage from the evils of gay ferrets.”

Lastly, there is their primary means of transportation. Kodo and Podo travel in a purse. A purse that is carried by a half-naked well muscled blond man. Specifically, they are kind of snuggled up into the vicinity of his crotch reason.

So to recap:

1) Both boys

2) Hated by the clergy

3) Travel via man-purse, which is strapped to a dude’s crotch.

Yeah, these ferrets are gayer than a dick with sequins.

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“Paisley” or jihad?” Dunkin’ Donuts yanks Rachael Ray ad

Go read it… I’ll wait… discussion will begin in just a minute.

OK, now that your back, tell me, didn’t that picture just scream, “Death to America?”

I swear, there must be no better place to promote Muslim extremism, than in a Dunkin’ Donuts ad.

Nothing shows support for terrorists like a ditzy cook from the Food Network, of Sicilian and Cajun descent, who is such a corporate whore, that she will be a spokesperson for donuts. But just in case it wasn’t already screaming at you to strap on some explosives and claim your 72 virgins, they put in a scarf.

Holy crap! How am I supposed to resist that? And the children! What about our children?

Now all I want to do is change religions, and car bomb something, and it is all the fault of Dunkin’ Donuts, Rachael Ray and most of all… that damned scarf.

… Whew! That was close. I just saw a truck ad and I am back to my usual patriotic, red-blooded, American self. Although I still think Michelle Malkin is an idiot.

In other news from the same day as the above story, I saw the greatest headline ever written.

Monkeys control robots with their minds

Seriously, we will never see a headline this cool, ever again in our lifetime.

Thank you CNN, Thank you.

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No shit there I was, because that is what all good army stories begin with.

So there I was, Camp Shelby MS. Pre-Mob OIF-IV. Soldiers of my unit were on “lock-down”, meaning they could go nowhere. After three and a half months of training the soldiers were given a two-day pass. Many had family make the 16 hour drive or three hour flight to come visit their soldiers.

This was no different for the unit armorer, we’ll call him young SPC Wesley Green. His brand new wife came down to visit, and they rented a hotel room to go and do the things that young married peoples do.

When he showed up at the orderly room to sign out, the First Sergeant was in a corner scratching his back with a wire coat hanger. “Specialist Green,” he intoned while still scratching, “It would behoove you to give us some contact information for your room, in the event of some sort of Armorer related emergency over the next few days. Am I clear?”

He was, and the Specialist ran off with his pass, eager to see his wife.

Now Young SPC Wesley Green was a conscientious soldier, and wanted to ensure that his First Sergeant could get a hold of him if he needed to. So, as soon as he got to the hotel room, he called back to the company orderly room and asked for “Top”. Top Toven put down the wire coat hanger that he was scratching his back with, and the conversation went as follows:

YSWG (Young SPC Wesley Green): Hey Top, I made it to the hotel, if you’re re..ady to wr-wr-wr..ite down the info, I….I’ll give it to you.

Top Toven: Glad to hear it, hope the hotel is nice, go ahead with that info.

YSWG: It it it…. The Best Western, on Bufford P.P.P.ike, the numb..er is, is…. Oh God, Where’s that number.

Top Toven: (in a very low and exasperated tone): It’s probably on the phone Wes.

YSWG: Oh that’s a good, ohhhhhh so gooood, idea, the number is 812*******.

Top Toven: Wes are you getting a blowjob, while talking to me?!?!

YSWG: ………. (sheepishly) Yes Top.

Top Toven: (screaming) Why you little Son of a…. I’m gonna kill you when you get back, I will PT you to death! *Slams down the phone!*

On the day that the troops returned from their pass, I was standing there watching. Top Toven was standing there as well, with that “Top look” on his face. I’ve seen 40 year-old men run from this look. This is the same guy that created the “fourth Army answer”. There are three generally accepted Army answers: “Yes”, “No”, and “I don’t know at this time, but I will find out and report back to you”. Top Toven created the fourth answer that only First Sergeants can use: “I don’t know, but I have a mother-fucking Frag Grenade, now get the fuck out of my orderly room, before I pull this fucking pin!”

Strolling up from the bus stop is Young Specialist Wesley Green, his head down, like a dog that knows it’s gonna get whipped. First Sergeant Toven, 6’4″, black belt in Tae Kwon Do, with his “Top Look”, now turned into a “Top Glare” was still waiting. As Young Specialist Wesley Green approached Top, he quickly produced a fine wooden, souvenir backscratcher, and said “Backscratcher Top!”

They say that First Sergeant Toven’s heart grew three sizes that day in Whoville, as all he did was snatch the backscratcher from Young SPC Wesley Green’s paws, clicked his heels in an about face, and marched off saying “I’ll take it!”

Attention to detail saved the day!

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Well technically I’m, putting this up on Sunday night. But I’m pretty that most of you aren’t reading this until Monday morning.

It’s occurred to me that some readers who were not in the military might not get all of the acronyms and Army-speak. If your confused, feel free to ask in the comments section. I’m sure one of the various service people who reads this will be able to answer. If enough people ask, I may just make a lexicon for the site.

This week’s update comes from Kyle Harth. Who was probably a very interesting person to serve with.

• Wearing donated women’s clothing, in the G-1 shop, does not make them process your OPFUND paperwork faster.
• It is not acceptable to get smashed at the local guest house, sharing land navigation point numbers, while you are supposed to be in the woods.
• Soldiers are not allowed to cut open artillery simulators and ignite the piles of gunpowder.
• Throwing disposable lighters into the fire barrels is not the correct way to get a better position for warming up.
• When forced to go to AA, after your Field Grade Article 15, it is not appropriate to say, “Because of my alcohol related incident, I don’t drink anymore…I don’t drink any less, either!” (Although this will ensure that you don’t have to go to anymore of those stupid meetings.)
• “Get the %#@* out of my HMMWV, or I will tie you to it and drag you behind”, is not the correct way to deal with journalists in a combat zone.
• Mowing the letters “FTA” into the grass while on Extra Duty is not appreciated by the CSM.
• Burning giant bales of marijuana is not the correct way to keep warm after destroying a warlord’s compound.
• Running from the MPs, while wearing togas and laying down a “smoke screen” with a stolen fire extinguisher, out the window of your vehicle, is not authorized.
• Hawaiian shirts, baseball hats, and shorts are not appropriate attire, when manning the MK-19, during a rocket launch site recon.
• Utilizing the PT route to race your friends home drunk in your “blacked out” POV, is usually frowned upon by the MPs and your Command Staff.
• Servicemembers are not allowed to request to use the breathalyser at the MP station to “see who knows how to party”.
• Especially if you’re driving.
• Even if you tell them it’s OK to arrest all of you so that you can blow.
• CS grenades are not to be used in European basement clubs.
• CS powder is not to be sprinkled on the top of your neighbor’s barracks room door then gently closed and re-locked with the keys you stole from the CQ.
• Stealing a few pieces to the CSM’s 2000 piece puzzle every time you are called into the OPS Center is awesome. But only if you are not caught.
• Soldier’s shall not steal the Commander’s vehicle and go to WVU for a night of drinking. Even if when you get there, several other Teams are there in a stolen 2 ½ Ton.
• Airborne operations are not to be performed while still intoxicated from the night before. They are especially not to be done in tandem with your other “E-4 Mafia” brother’s, consecutively, for several years.
• The Army did not send you to 13 months of medical training so that you could refer to IV’s and Oxygen as “Hangover Helpers”, and live your life through “better chemistry”.
• While it’s an awesome way to save money, you are still considered a thief if you are caught using a stolen ladder to swipe the Scout Platoon’s beer from the second story windowsills during “outdoor beer season”.
• “Survival Training” is not an appropriate response when caught shooting wild game with a cleaning rod and blanks.
• AR 670-1 does not (apparently) allow for the BDU trousers to be worn tucked into your snake skin cowboy boots. (Even if you lost a bet because your buddy drank piss from said boots.)
• While assigned to (or visiting) Camp Vance, you are not allowed to dress in drag, and pose for “The Men of Man-Love Thursday” calendar.
• During training exercises, machine-guns cannot be abandoned because they are too heavy to E&E with…even if you remove the firing pins and take them with you.
• It is illegal to call your car in stolen after you have abandoned it off-post, after running from the MPs, and taking out a large section of perimeter fence.
• Golf Carts are supposed to be used on the Golf Course. Any other use is unauthorized. Like joyriding while drinking beer, then writing “Go Navy, Army Sucks” on them, and abandoning them in front of the SEAL’s barracks.
• It is against Military and Civilian Law to use an F-470 Zodiac to raid lobster traps while in Dive School.
• Repositioning the Commander of Area 51’s vehicle, ever so slightly, every time he enters the OPS briefing, is…well…super damn funny!
• UAV’s will not be used to “check out chicks”. Nor will Rotary Wing Assets, NVGs, Thermals, or Long Range Photography Equipment.
• A CALFEX is not the appropriate place to drop acid.
• When giving a survival class on cleaning wild game, you are not allowed to eat raw pig’s liver, even if it was an appropriate response to someone’s smart-assed comment.
• T-shirts displaying the words “$@*# you, you $@*#ing $@*#!” are not to be worn during Military Christmas Parade processions.
• Mortar rounds fired on “Delay” are not to be used for trying to uproot trees on the range.
• A 72 hour pass given with a promotion and your EIB, does not authorize you to rent a car, get drunk, and roll it two and half times.
• “En’Shallah” is not to be used as a response to why you are doing something that is unauthorized. (Even if it’s appropriate to the demographic that you are in.)
• E-4’s are not allowed to pose as civilians so that they can get loaded at the Officer’s Club and pick up chicks.
• When planning for small boat operations, the command element will not approve nude beaches as potential Beach Landing Sites.
• Teddies and lace panties will not be worn under the military uniform when showing up for a rectal exam.
• “How do you know how fast I was going if you don’t have a radar gun?” is the wrong response to give a Brigade Commander when seen racing your four wheeler around the airfield (at about 50 mph).
• The Desert Boonie Hat, even if you hate wearing it, can not have four inches added to the brim, and eight inches added to the crown, so that it looks like “Cat in the Hat.”
• It is punishable under the UCMJ to possess (and use) an MP badge, if you are not an MP.
• Setting up a “secret communications frequency” in order to play Guns and Roses, while performing a ground invasion, is…you guessed it, not authorized.
• You are not allowed to “shoot for beers” while conducting marksmanship training.
• Personally owned watercraft (jet skis) are not supposed to be transported on military trailers, in convoy.
• Being assigned as the Battalion Military Vehicle Drivers Training NCO, does not give you the right to invite all your friends and relatives for some “four wheeling” on post.
• Simmunition is supposed to be used to engage targets, center mass. Intentionally shooting at the nuts is frowned upon.
• “Kangaroo Court” is not an authorized form of Military Tribunal.
• Possession of uniforms, in your wall locker, with different ranks and unit insignia will tend to arouse suspicion among your superiors.
• Pen Flare/Cluster Flare/Parachute Flare wars can, and will, start forest fires…which, oddly, you will be held responsible for.

And lastly:

• Making E-4 three times in four years does not mean you can’t make E-7 in SF.

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