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Things I Have Learned From Watching TV Ads

Tuesday, August 16th, 2011
Staying at home with the kids, I have been finding myself watching more TV than I used to.  And holding a Tivo remote anywhere even remotely close to a toddler is an invitation for disaster, which means I get to see more commercials than I used to.  Here is what I have learned:


Adventures in Parenting, Part 2

Monday, June 13th, 2011

So it has been a while, I know, but it has been a productive while. My wife gave birth to two beautiful baby boys (thought we were having trips, but wound up with twins), and they are now close to ten months old. They are adorable little boys with smiles, and cute drooling, and addictive laughter, but they are two little boys. There are just some things about twins that nothing can prepare you for.

  1. You can be a second circle master ninja capable of walking across water without even making a ripple, but the sound of your very presence WILL wake up one of the twins, and it will always be the one you are not picking up.
  2. You may be able to juggle fifteen objects in four different directions simultaneously, but there is no way for a father to simultaneously feed twins.
  3. When playing with either child, tossing them in the air and catching them eight inches from the ground is a good way to make their mother very, very mad at you.
  4. Provided you help keep them limber, babies CAN touch the back of their heads with the bottoms of their feet, from any direction. Often they find this immensely hilarious.
  5. Spinning around with your child in hand till their eyes twitch in their heads, may be funny to you, but the wife hates it when they throw up on her 30 seconds later.
  6. Projectile vomiting is defined as follows: You child(ren) can and will promptly vomit on you from any location in the house, at any distance, as soon as you change from your ratty yard working clothes into your nice work clothes. This will happen at unexpected times, in unexpected ways. The only time it is a  100% guaranty it will happen is when you have to wear your only suit for some important VIP visit, and you are running late.
  7. Murphy was invented to explain the phenomena of twin children.
  8. A 55-gallon drum is not a sufficiently sized container for disposing of a weeks worth of diapers from twins.
  9. Garbagemen (sorry, sanitation engineers) find a 55-gallon drum full of used diapers disgusting.
  10. No matter how funny you think it was, that was not a fart. It was the teleportation of one child’s bowel movement to the other child’s diaper.
  11. Twins will attract every interested party within a 5-mile radius to annoy you with innane comments and stupid questions the moment you step out the door with them for some exercise. (Are they twins? Are they identical? You must have your hands full.)
  12. Finding time to exercise is nearly impossible when you have twins.
  13. Hell week at SERE training has nothing compared to caring for newborn twins.
  14. As soon as you finally get both children to sleep someone will do one of the following: Show up unexpectedly with something that generates loud noises, call the phone from Timbuktu and feel the need to shout at the top of their lungs to be heard, ring the doorbell repeatedly while pounding on the door with enough force to knock an elephant out, fire off a howitzer, decide that now is the time to put together a marching band and practice, discover that holding down the center of the steering wheel will generate a continuous loud noise, generate some other various loud noise that will invariably wake up both children simultaneously.
  15. The phrase “Your son was misbehaving today” will leave you confused as to which son the spousal unit is talking about.
  16. Square feet of living area defines the space needed by twins for all of their belongings. This number is relative and will always be at least 1,000 square feet more than what you have.
  17. As soon as you save up enough money for that vacation to Tahiti, you will find all those things that you’ve wanted for your children on sale at the local WalMart. You will wind up spending your entire vacation fund on said items. (Walk in for milk, walk out with $4500 in baby stuff, and no milk)

In all of this I have made another rather disturbing discovery. There are many pediatricians out there who not only have no idea on how to deal with twins, but will refuse to service a family with twins. Take our recent pediatrician for example. She was a nice lady, deals well with children, but put her in a room with twins and she was almost completely lost. When asking questions about one twin, she would almost always look at the wrong chart and say “Well I don’t see that information in his chart… Are you sure?” Fortunately our new pediatrician only deals with multiple births so things are getting better there. Anyways, I’m always open for additions, advice, or a means to laugh at my own life; so if you have anything more to add feel free to add them to the comments below!


And remember: Those that think they are too small to make a difference, have never spent time in a dark room with a mosquito.

50 Rules to Follow If I End Up In an Urban Fantasy Novel

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

Submitted by Anassa, who has a blog you should check out if you enjoyed this list.


Army Grunt Owns a Child Play Center; Moms Do Not Get His Humor.

Monday, March 7th, 2011

(Submitted by ldalxndr)
After 10 years in the military as an infantry soldier, I took that experience and did what anyone with my skills would do. I opened a Child Play Center…weird…I know. Still, I love my job and my shop. However, I have found my sense of humor (Army Grunt) is different from most of the moms who are my customers. So, for you few moms and those of you with “grunt” humor, here is a list of things I am no longer allowed to say in my Child Fun Center:


Friday, October 22nd, 2010

We are rapidly approaching the first birthday of my children.  So it would appear that we have managed to keep them alive for a full year.  I imagine there may have been some bets amongst my readers covering this possibility.

As I think back over the past year, I am reminded of all of the things that being a new parent has taught me. (more…)

New List

Sunday, October 10th, 2010

It’s been forever since I posted one. here we go.

(Submitted by MSG Pleads The Fifth)
I should start by saying none of this ever happened, I was in no way responsible for any of these occurrences, but most importantly these stories can be told because the statute of limitations has run out on all except the ones that occurred while deployed.

Things I have been made to promise:

1. I will never again fill the salute gun on Ft Rucker with 300 ping pong balls.
2. I will never brand an official web site with the company name of QLBHCTS (Quick Look Busy Here Comes The Sergeant Major). This site still exists even though I did it shortly before I retired in 2006. http://www.armyhooahrace.army.mil/armyhooahrace/ click About, scroll to bottom.
3. I will not have all 2000 Official Race T-Shirts emblazoned with *designed by QLBHCTS LLC* again.
4. I will not use a M1 Abrams main gun and propane to shoot softballs.
5. I will not refer to softballs shot from an M1A1 as *less than lethal tank munitions*.
6. I will not use railroad ties and a chainsaw to fashion a stock for an M1 120mm gun tube.
7. I will not have the Allied Trades shop make a bayonet for my M1A1 main gun.
8. I will not take M88 through the post car wash because its closer than the wash rack.
9. While Range OIC I will not command the firing line to *fix bayonets and charge* during weapons qualification.
10. I will not swap blanks for live rounds in the CO’s magazines during weapons qualification.
11. I will not yell *I don’t give a rats @$$ what the commander wants you’re going to ….* while the commander is standing right behind me.
12. I will not trade my flight suit to a Polizei motorcycle cop for his leathers.
13. I will not refer to the CO as *The Antichrist* in official correspondence.
14. Inshalla is not a proper response to the FORSCOM commander during a Battle Update Brief.
15. While acting as ACTF NCOIC I will not direct all troops boarding through the front to exit through the rear and all troops boarding through the rear to exit through the front.
16. While acting as ACTF crew chief during infantry false insertions I will not call for a *Chinese fire drill*
17. I will not repaint the Ft Benning infantry slogan on my ACTF to read *swallow me* instead of *follow me*
18. I will not paint a giant pig with wings on the side of my UH-1H immediately before shipping the aircraft to a predominantly Muslim nation.
19. I will not paint the sole of a giant shoe on the bottom of my aircraft immediately prior to deploying to a predominantly Muslim nation
20. During morning formation after announcing a random urinalysis I will not ask to have all *Pecker Checkers* fall out when referring to the urinalysis monitors.
21. In official correspondence I will not refer to urinalysis monitors as *pecker peepers*
22. I will not tie 8 Plebes naked to a laundry cart, duct tape a red chemlight to one and have them pull a naked *Santa Claus* across the diagonal during Christmas dinner at USMA.
23. I will not instruct my squad to practice room clearing using a Porta John as the objective.
24. I will not dress 8 Plebes in yellow t-shirts, overalls and swim masks and then begin referring to them as *my minions*
25. I will not swap a CS grenade for a white smoke grenade during the Ft Rucker Post Commanders annual tactical fun run.
26. I will not give the CO a 16 oz glass of Ouzo and tell him its mineral water.
27. I will not fill the CO’s HMMWV defroster vents full of paper assholes, then place the blower on high.
28. I will not moon the East German border guards.
29. I will not moon the Czechoslovakian border guards.
30. I will not moon any foreign dignitaries.
31. I will not moon anyone while on duty.
32. I will not moon anyone from my barracks window while off-duty.
33. I will not moon the CO from my POV.
34. I will not moon anyone, ever (clarification of previous 6 entries).
35. I will not refer to anyone in the Chain of Command as *that loser* in official correspondence.
36. I will not use Photoshop to alter the commanders appearance in any official photo’s.
37. I will not use a grenade simulator as an alarm clock for the CO.
38. I will not refer to our new WO1 as *spot* when addressing the company in formation.
39. I will not inquire as to the color of the snow on a soldiers planet after being told that purple is the soldiers natural hair color.
40. I will not tear up a soldiers stress card while performing corrective counseling on a trainee.
41. I will not refer to the CO’s injuries as being a *mortal flesh wound*
42. I will not inform a soldier that he has *terminal hypochondria*.
43. I will not inform any soldier that has been diagnosed with terminal hypochondria that they only have 3 months to live.
44. I will not call the chaplain to have him administer last rights to any soldier that has only 3 months left to live after having been diagnosed with terminal hypochondria.
45. I will not put on a red nose and Bozo wig before going out on patrol.
46. I will not trade ANYTHING for a camel, again.
47. I will not tell the new 2LT PL that a Sheppard’s crook is his official symbol of office and have him carry it during a Bn formation.
48. A *Hello Kitty* pin is not an official award for kitten herding. And will not be worn on the ACU’s during an inspection.
49. I will not refer to poodle as *the other white meat* in any menu, in any DFAC, in any theater of operations ever again (this CO was covering his bases).
50. When leaving for the day I will not inform the CO *I’m leaving, I guess that means you’re in charge* while the BN CO is in his office.
51. *Because the little man in my thumb told me to* is not considered a viable reason for any command decision you make.
52. Telling the commander that you do not hear voices in your head, that they are coming from the little man who lives in your thumb is not an appropriate response.
53. I will not show up to formation wearing a ACH with flip flops in the camo band and nothing else.
54. An ACU thong with a SAPI plate is not considered IBA when worn as the sole uniform item.
55. *Penis Jousting* is not an approved exercise during unit PT.
56. 1D10T is not a valid MOS to put as your primary MOS
57. Changing the commanders password in SAMS to B1T3M3 will not make him happier than when it was UR3T@RD.

Billy’s List

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

This list has become my personal type of guideline, cough which is why people at work worry about me coming in with a black trenchcoat. Why I am missing the obvious “explosions fix everything!”, health thats because I adopted that from someone else. The rest was modified for my purpose.

1. When in doubt, drugs use explosives

2. If being reasonable doesn’t work, try overkill

3. If all else fails, try fire and a wood chipper

4. Love is a battlefield, bring an axe (more…)


Wednesday, August 4th, 2010

I have been absent, ed except for the occasional smart ass comment [beats being a dumbass] because I have been “deployed.” This delay makes my nom du skippyslist, “Speed,” a bit of a lie, but unavoidable.

I have to use quotation marks because I have been sent to the wilds in the good ole USA, to teach bright eyed, naïve, young soldiers an MOS. Somewhere, someone, no doubt a sadistic bastard that I once knew, decided that I had something to offer the new troops. So I’m an instructor.

Prior to this I thought that the BS threshold in the army was too low, but have found out that the cadre/command element in a US Army school are so damned bored that they have to invent ways to mess with the instructors.

I say mess with the instructors because they area limited to what they can do to the students any more, that “harassment” line is clear, well defined, and much closer than it was when I went to an AIT school.

I have received some sort of behavioral counseling about every other month or so – negative counseling the in army vernacular – and get the verbal type every week. I guess there are still some things that senior NCOs aren’t allowed to do.

I have compiled a list of more things that I cannot do from the past six months, and it should give you an idea of why such counseling has been deemed necessary.

1. Not allowed to call the “Foxtrot” class “Foxtards.”
2. When the Foxtrot instructors put down my MOS, not allowed to reply, “But it’s way better than being a ‘Foxtard.’”
3. Artillery is the King of Battle, and the Infantry is the Queen of Battle, not the “Bitches of Battle.”
4. Not allowed to call air assets the “Pimps of Battle.”
5. Air assets support the ground assets, not allowed to say they are “Stylin’ and Profilin.’” (more…)

SGT Johnson’s Retirement List

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

In the spirit of Skippy’s List here are some of the noteworthy moments of my career that were less than positive….

Computer Help Desk List

Monday, December 14th, 2009

(Submitted by Speed)

A few years back I worked at a help desk for gas station point of sales equipment. That’s fancy talk for cash registers. Later on we supported touch screen computers and fancy-dancy gas pumps with computer chips in them that “talked” to the store’s main computer through a binary to TCP/IP converter, and the breakdown-daily-car-wash-box. Here’s a quick list of what I couldn’t do there:

1. Not allowed to enter the building on time, must be early and on the phone at the “start time.”

2. When a mad customer says, “I’ll have your job!” not allowed to reply, “You wouldn’t like it, every asshole in the world yells at you.”