Just to change things up, I thought I’d start showing off some of the non-military lists I have been sent. So here’s the first entry, of what will probably be many, of the IT List.
42 Things That I Am No Longer Allowed To Do in I.T.
(Submitted by MC900FtJedi)
- Not allowed to randomly rickroll users upon login to the application.
- Not allowed to comment that Visual Studio 2005 is a “bloated piece of shite” within earshot of the Microsoft consultant.
- Rooms at adult-oriented hotels cannot be charged to my corporate card.
- Not allowed to discharge a fire extinguisher in the Halon-protected server room.
- Lolspeak is not appropriate for error messages.
- Lolcode is not a corporate standard.
- Not allowed to use Star Wars references when naming new applications/modules; it makes Legal nervous.
- That goes double for South Park.
- If something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that doing it will get me an invite to the HR Director’s office.
- Not allowed to continue to explain to users what an ID10T error is.
- Or PEBKAC, for that matter.
- “Mental Health Day” is not a valid reason when requesting time off.
- Not allowed to say “Domino’s Pizza” when answering the phone.
- My cubicle is not holy ground.
- Not allowed to charge the down payment on my SUV to my corporate card.
- Not allowed to tell the new developers that it is a department standard to capitalize all vowels in source code.
- Not allowed to put up “Happy Birthday” fliers for non-existent employees.
- Not allowed to change my manager’s startup sound to “Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls of steel!”.
- Must not play battleship with a fellow developer on the text pager during the departmental meeting.
- “Yak Shaving Day” is not a recognized company holiday.
- “If it was in your ass you’d know,” is never an acceptable answer.
- Not allowed to execute a DoS attack on the network admin’s PC.
- My department VP does not appreciate it when his administrative assistant receives flowers on national Boss’ Day.
- My dog did not eat the source code.
- Not allowed to place a 2 Meg animated GIF on the start page of the application.
- “Did you see the rack on her?” is never appropriate.
- Especially during Bring-Your-Your-Daughter-To-Work-Day.
- Maxing out my corporate card’s $10,000 limit every month is not mandatory.
- A bloodhound is not a packet sniffer.
- Not allowed to hide all but the decaf coffee.
- Not allowed to name applications/modules/procedures in such a way that their acronyms would be sexually suggestive (Data In, Logical Data Out).
- Not allowed to create Help Desk tickets for office supplies.
- “That’s how I roll,” is not an acceptable answer as to why I was two hours late.
- I am not the king of all I see.
- Under no circumstances am I to ever touch the UNIX machine on the 7th floor.
- Not allowed to use the DR (disaster recovery) machine as a public Starcraft server.
- I do not have mafia ties.
- No one is interested in hearing the details of my prostrate exam.
- Friday is Hawaiian Shirt Day, not Hawaiian Dress Day.
- Calling someone an “f***ing idiot” is acceptable after I hang up the phone, not when I think my phone is on mute. Which it wasn’t.
- Not allowed to have a three-martini lunch. Especially since when I say “three-martini lunch” I really mean “five margarita pitchers binge”.
- Must not come into the office at 3 am and pass-out under my desk after a Tuesday night “three-martini lunch”.
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