See if you can find the item in here that is not like the others.
Mortal Kombat a capella in Central Park
“Star Wars” – a solo a capella tribute to John Williams
Nintendo a capella
Daft Punk a capella
And in case you haven’t had enough of politics here is Dave Barry’s analysis of the election.
Went off to Vegas last month, it was quite a blast, but I have come to realize that there is a new list of things that I am no longer allowed to do in Vegas.
1. Cannot hit on Kirsten Dunst.
2. Even if my girlfriend says “I’d fuck her”.
3. Because her bodyguards are rude (she totally wanted it).
4. Kirsten Dunst’s bodyguards don’t care if what happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas.
Cannot tell the people trying to hassle you to buy tickets on the streets:
5. No I would not like any, but here, have a hooker calling card.
6. I’m Samuel L. Jackson, do I look like I want to go to a motherfuckin’ show, I AM the motherfuckin’ show, motherfucka.
7. Do you know what I do for a living? No, Loan shark! I break knuckles for a living! Do you still want to bother me?
8. *grab fiance’s arm, and start acting panicky and pointing at them*, (she had been coached by me to ignore them) There is another one, WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THEM, WHY DO THEY TORTURE ME WITH FREE SHOWSSSS. You’re not real, do you hear me, YOU ARE NOT REAL, STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!
9. *grab fiance’s arm, and start acting retarded and pointing at them*, (she had been coached by me to ignore them) FREE SHOWS YAAAAAAA!!!!, *claps hands* I WANNA SEEEEE WAYNE NEWTON YAAAAAAA!!!! MISS FERGIE CAN I SEE FREE SHOWS, I WANNA SEE CARROT TOP YAAAAAAA!!!! *claps hands*
10. Only authorized to tell the “free show” people that I am a local, which makes them leave you alone quick.
11. It is not customary to tip dealers with airline peanuts, even if you saved her half the bag.
12. If the guys from the Spin Doctors sit down at my Holdem Table again, I am to walk away.
13. “Wait I’m gonna take their stacks, its the least I can do after them turning me into a dork in high school” will be thrown back in your face by your fiance as you walk away 2 grand poorer.
14. I am not Danny Ocean, and the broom closet in the Bellagio is not where Benedict’s goons beat me up.
15. I am not to tell random women that I am a famous hockey player, and take on a fake Canadian accent.
16. Not allowed to tip cocktail waitresses with Command Sergeant Major Coins (was actually an accident).
17. Not allowed to split 10s against a dealer shown six again. Even if I win 75$ because I took the cards that would cause the dealer to bust, and the dealer beat everyone else. My own Grandma called me an asshole for that one.
18. Not allowed to blow on people’s craps dice without their permission.
19. I am not Kenny Rodgers, nor should I start singing “you’ve got to know when to hold them, Know when to fold them etc.” while sitting in the poker room. This really pisses off the locals.
20. I am not Matt Damon in Rounders, when asked if I really had it on a head-to-head fold I should not say, “I’m sorry JOHN, I don’t remember”.
21. On the flight home I cannot tell my Fiance, after proposing in Vegas, that “what happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas, now give me the ring back.”
And so I’m keeping my post light tonight, as I am spending the evening with Chinese takeout, the Left 4 Dead demo, and The Guild on DVD.
And so here are a bunch or random thoughts I never got around to using for any other posts.
Here in Texas, drugs they have a rule called the Castle Doctrine, viagra buy which says if someone tries to break into your house, order you don’t have to run away. You can just kill them. It looks good on paper, but I wonder if it doesn’t make it too easy to just call up somebody you don’t like and invite them over.
“Hey man, yeah. Look, we’ve had our differences over the years and I’d like to settle things once and for all. So come on over. I’ll put on a pot of coffee and we’ll talk things out. Oh hey, just so you know, the place is a little messy and the front door lock is stuck, so don’t bother knocking. I’ll leave a window open for you. You can just climb on in. What’s that? Should you bring anything? Well, how considerate! Yeah, bring an axe. You know, so we can bury it.”
If you ever need to get rid of a body, just drive to a stranger’s house and tell them you’re with the phone company. This little white lie will buy you an hour of undisturbed digging in their back yard. Plus, if you go to an old lady’s house, she’ll invite you in for lemonade when you’re done.
And once again it is Monday, and time for another list update. This list comes courtesy of a chemistry professor, who would like to not be named because it might interfere with getting tenure later.
(Submitted by Professor Anonymous)
1) Chemical burns are not badges of honor.
2) Yes, as a matter of fact, my dry ice privileges can be revoked
.
3) Should not refer to teaching a freshman course as “destruct testing the lab”.
4) “Design and build a still” is not an acceptable extra-credit assignment.
5) Telling students that harmless chemicals are poisonous is an inappropriate way to encourage lab safety habits.
6) Telling students that poisonous chemicals are harmless is an inappropriate way to avoid grading their lab reports.
7) Cannot reheat my lunch using a furnace, Bunsen burner or laser.
8) No one in the lab is named Igor, so I had better stop talking to him.
9) Movie star sunglasses are not an acceptable replacement for safety goggles.
10) Not allowed to add food coloring and dry ice to my experiments, to make them green and bubbly. Unless the Dean is visiting.
11) I may not wear such a short skirt that it looks like I am going commando under my lab coat. Unless the Dean is visiting.
12) It’s okay to invent technobabble to impress the Dean. It’s not okay to use technobabble from Star Trek.
13) I had better have a good reason for saying any of the following:
*Eureka!
*Uh-oh
*Where’s the fire extinguisher?
14) There is no good reason for maniacal laughter.
15) I am allowed to dress as a mad scientist on Halloween. Not when potential donors are touring the labs.
16) Excessive radiation exposure will not turn me into a superhero. It will turn me into a corpse.
17) Monty Python references have no place in my lab notebook.
18) I am not a “lolscientist” and thus have no excuse for being “in ur suply clozet, stealin ur glaswar”.
19) Cannot use unnecessary Radiation signs to keep students out of my lab and away from delicate equipment.
20) Cannot tell students that real Radiation signs are just there to keep people out.
21) Cannot place Biohazard signs in the restroom or the break room fridge.
22) It is my fault that the biochemists didn’t get the joke and started storing biological samples in the break room fridge. I now owe the department a new fridge.
23) My warning sign privileges have been revoked.
Originally I was planning to follow up LT Ronald’s post on the election with one offering up my thoughts on how it turned out.
I was going to exaggerate the issues to make the other side look foolish. Blindly repeat sound bites no matter how ludicrous or discredited. Question both the intelligence and loyalty of any folks who dared to display a different set of political beliefs than me.
You know, all the stuff that passes for civilized political discourse in our country nowadays.
But instead I’ll post this video, that I ironically became aware of when one of my readers made a comment that annoyed me, and I went to look at his site. (Thanks to Phelps for the video.)
So you know what? It’s time to put the paddle down, no matter how naughty you think the dead horse has been. If you are happy with the outcome of the election, be magnanimous in your victory. Remember how it felt the last time your side lost, and try not to rub it in the other guy’s face. If you are unhappy with the outcome, rest assured that our country can survive the next four years; try to graciously accept that this time the majority disagreed with you this time around.
Also I’m very disappointed that more of you didn’t vote for me as a write in candidate.
By LT Ronald
After reading Michiel’s post saying goodbye to President Bush, I felt obliged to add a welcome to President Elect Obama. It should be noted that views expressed here do not reflect those of Skippy.
This country is done.
I will watch now as the treasury grows fat with over taxation, and limited use of the military. I will watch my job deteriorate and will probably watch it get cut.
The masses will be happy, oh so happy, as more money flows into their pockets as I work to give them that money that our new president will surely pluck from my pockets, and my hard working family’s pockets and redistribute to the stupid, lazy, and unlucky. Say good bye to your stimulus checks! They are now going to the welfare recipients and illegal aliens.
At least with the undoubtedly Pro-Murder justices that will be named to the supreme court we hopefully wont have to worry about as many stupid/lazy fucks, because it will become legal in all states for everyone to shove a pair of scissors in the heads of partially born crack babies and vacuum their crack-baby brains out with a saw filled vacuum. Chances are that teenage pregnancies can also go down because parents of these teenagers won’t know that little Suzy went down and committed murder in order to fit properly in her prom dress because she couldn’t just take it up the ass like a good little whore.
I should just shoot myself in the head now, but what good will that do, I won’t be able to own a gun soon anyway, and even if I did die, under Obama I’d lose 50% or higher of my estate, which I’ve already been taxed on once by my benevolent government.
Soon Iran and Korea will have nuclear weapons, of course after our new president has made pinky-swear promises that they will stop trying to make them if we leave Iraq and Afghanistan, and stand idly by while they obliterate Israel. Maybe fuel prices will go down more that way. Now I feel better…. shit; can’t afford a car no more, they downsized the military and now I’m out of a job. Hmmmm, I wonder if Iran could use another ammunition expert. I’m sure that the Taliban does, with us not chasing down Osama any more business should be “BOOMING”. (couldn’t help myself) Stupid fucking outsourcing of jobs.
The American way used to be about working hard and earning a living. If you were extra hard working and maybe a little lucky you would do more than earn a living, but be able to pass on some extra to your family, and if they followed suit you could raise your family to a very affluent state. Unfortunately that way of living is past, and we find that socialism is on its way back in, and why not? Working hard and MAYBE getting lucky and becoming affluent wasn’t really fair to those who didn’t get lucky anyway, and was really unfair to those who didn’t work hard, if at all, in the first place.
Soon those injustices will be righted, and everyone will get lucky because even if they didn’t work hard or get lucky those who did will just give them the fruits of their labors, and we will all be happy.
God bless America. Our collective IQ has dropped to the point where we have voted in a socialist, terrorist, who subscribes to an anti-American religious leader as president. Freedom has finally given us the end of us. Time to just sit back and watch the end of the show.
Regardless of who is elected, (I think we all know who will win), I think about 70% of us can agree, that it will be a good thing to finally be rid of President George W. Bush.
On behalf of that 70% of Americans, and a large portion of the people of planet Earth, I would like to say the following to George.
Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.
I know you don’t understand why I do not appreciate your efforts to make sure Americans do not live in peace and prosperity, considering how much effort you have put into making sure that we won’t for quite some time.
Just sit back, and go on vacation in Crawford for the next two months, (it’s not like you haven’t spent more time on vacation than any other President in history), and try not to screw anything else up.
You may think I am mad about things like invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11, or not capturing Osama Bin Laden. Maybe you think I am mad about your administration eroding our civil liberties. Maybe you think it is all the lies and secrecy of your administration.
Maybe you think it is because of your response to hurricane Katrina. You did lose a major port city on your watch. I know you did not create hurricane Katrina, but your response was a little lacking. But then again, you did need to prioritize the many responsibilities on your agenda and figured that going to John McCains birthday was more important than taking care of New Orleans after a disaster.
Maybe you think I am upset over the largest expansion of the Federal government since the New Deal, or the massive budget surplus that you turned into the largest budget deficit in U.S. history. Maybe you think it is because our economy is in the tank, and gas prices have skyrocketed. Maybe you think it is the high unemployment, and the housing crisis.
I must admit, I am not pleased with you and your administration over all of the above mentioned issues.
No, my biggest reason that I disapprove of you and your administration is that as a Texan, I have never been so embarrased to say I am from Texas as I have been these last eight years. There used to be a time that it was cool to be from Texas. Thanks for ruining that for me.
Fortunately, I haven’t traveled to other countries, but if I did, I would be embarrassed to say I was an American as well. Thanks for ruining that for me too. At least I could save some face by telling people in those countries that I never voted for you, not even as Governor of Texas.
And since we are on the Texas thing, what the hell is up with your accent? I have never heard anyone with your accent. I can usually tell what region of Texas a person is from by the accent. Is it a combo of North Texas and Kennebunkport? East Texas and Martha’s Vineyard? I can’t tell.
So, in summary, I would like to express my feelings by quoting your eloquent, Vice President, Dick Cheney, “Go f**k yourself.”
P.S. Don’t mess with Texas.
This is one of those stories that no one actually believes could have happened, health but it did.
I was stationed at Diogenes Station in Turkey for 17 months, canada ed spanning from February 1981 until July 1982, at which point I went to Ft. Dix, NJ to ETS. I worked in the TCC, the Tele-Communication Center, or comm center for short.
When I arrived we used state of the art 1950 equipment for putting messages on paper tape which would then run through a reader and became some sort of code that could be transmitted via microwave equipment that had been installed in 1947. No lie.
In a few months time we had state of the art 1981 computer equipment to send and receive message traffic. It’s very primitive compared to what we all have today, but was very futuristic at that time.
I served under two different Sergeant First Classes, Vietnam era vets, that were incredible studs. When they wore their ribbons, they had the ones that you literally had to kill for.
When they went back to the states we got white-boy Fat Albert. He had made rank quickly in Vietnam too, but was frustrated because he hadn’t gotten promoted in about ten years and would be leaving the army at the end of his Turkish tour if he didn’t make rank. He knew nothing of our computer equipment and refused to learn. Did I mention that he was fat? He wouldn’t pass today’s “tape-test” even if they could find a tape big enough to go around him.
He took a personal dislike to me and told me so. He ended his “initial counseling session” with me by saying, “You came into this army an E-1 and I’m going to send you home an E-1.”
I was a brand new E-5, a Buck Sergeant, and had been working in a Staff Sergeant’s slot for about a year at that time, beginning when I was a Specialist. I was always put on the night shift, which corresponded with the day shift in the USA, which meant we were always very busy with a high volume of message traffic coming in and going out. From the time that Fat Albert took over I always got stuck with less than half the people I needed to run this shift, but we always got the work done and ended up being the envy of the day shift. I had some really good guys working with me. I also pissed off Fat Albert, because he truly wanted to write counseling statements on me in preparation for filing some sort of charges against me and taking my rank.
Just about every day Fat Albert would post his “Order of the Day” on the door between his office and our work area. We would have to read them and then initial that we had done so. Failure to do so would get you written up, except for that short, fat female Specialist with short hair that he had a crush on.
One day, after reading his stupid order, the usual rant about us needing to run the vacuum or empty the garbage like we always did, I read his signature block and realized that it was just about perfect if you added M-O-U-S-E.
My team was coming on and getting briefed by the other team, everyone was hustling and bustling around. Fat Albert was waddling out to go drink his supper at the Sports Bar.
I walked over to a computer and typed out “M-O-U-S-E,” printed off a single copy and did not save anything to disk or tape. I cut out the word, shredded the paper with the cut out hole in it and clear taped the M-O-U-S-E underneath Fat Albert’s signature block. I wiped the tape with my sleeve just in case he had the MPs try to lift a print. No one noticed a thing.
I then volunteered to burn the classified trash, which included the shredded paper I had just added. Yep, I was paranoid, but I also knew he was out to get me.
The next day was my day off. I was down at our private beach on the Black Sea when I was approached by a Specialist from the day shift. She was off too, but had had to go into the comm center for some reason. She said to me, “Don’t say anything because I don’t want to lie if I get questioned, but I know that you did it.”
I acted surprised but it didn’t fool her. She told me that Fat Albert had turned purple and stood there screaming incoherently, barely able to shout out my name and the occasional f-bomb. We laughed about his reaction and “wondered” how anyone could have done what they did. Can you purchase Cialis and save money, here https://www.fortissurgicalhospital.com/cialis-20-mg/ the best offers for generic Cialis 20 mg, 10 mg, 5 mg.
For the next few months, until I ETS’d, I was a local celebrity among my peers.
Oh yeah, I was a Buck Sergeant when I ETS’d and I was given an Army Commendation Medal by the unit commander. Go figure.
SFC Cole
NCOIC TCC
M-O-U-S-E
Submitted by someone who wishes to remain both nameless and employed)
1. Not allowed to swear at customers
2. Not allowed to swear in front of customers
3. If a customer is walking away, viagra 40mg it still counts
4. Not allowed to eat in front of customers
5. Not allowed to go on cigarette breaks too often
6. Non-smokers are not allowed frequent breaks to do any of the following: drink alcohol, eat candy, drink coffee, read pornography, kill time, or take any kind of drugs
7. When greeting customers, “How may I help?” is preferred to “Oh gods, another one! Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
8. Especially when the manager is in the queue
9. Not allowed to switch the broadcast system to a station belonging to a rival company
10. Even if they have better music and it’s funny to watch the confused look on customers faces when adverts for someone else’s products come on
11. The broadcast system can’t be used to play CDs, and if it could, we wouldn’t play pirate metal, rock-grass, Pink Floyd or anything that might cause local Christians to boycott the store
12. Saying “Arrrr!” in every conversation is not a good enough justification for pirate metal
13. If it was written by Steven Lynch, I should assume it will never ever be played in store
14. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps just because a customer has a crappy car
15. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps for religious reasons
16. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps because a coworker is on their cigarette break (even though you shouldn’t mix fire and petroleum)
17. Selling fuel which damages the environment does not necessarily make us the “bad guys”
18. Being the “bad guys” doesn’t mean I need a black moustache and an evil laugh
19. Saying the service charge on plastic bags goes towards the staff booze fund doesn’t make it true
20. You can’t commune with any god by resting your head against the microwave
21. The Jack Daniels bottle behind the counter is not “my baby”
22. Nobody I work with has any mafia ties
23. Nobody I work with is protected by the Dark Throne
24. The night shift are not goblins
25. Not allowed to suggest any form of punishment after the night shift’s latest blunder
26. Not allowed to suggest any form of medication to my superiors
27. Not allowed to flirt with customers I find attractive
28. Not allowed to flirt with customers I find moderately attractive
29. Not allowed to flirt with customers, full stop
30. The hot daughter/sister/friend of the person I’m serving still counts as a customer
31. Not allowed to flirt with staff either
32. Not allowed to use innuendos and double meanings on anyone over fifty. (I was bored, and they don’t really listen anyway.)
33. I can’t spend my time on the cash register looking for a specific toy in the Kinder Surprise
34. Secret shoppers are not “the Spanish Inquisition” even if we don’t expect them
35. Staff discount has a maximum limit
36. Staff discount does not apply to fuel, alcohol, or to people who aren’t actually staff
37. Any movie with a title along the lines of “Killer …… From ……” does not need to be discussed, quoted or re-enacted while working
38. Employees should not quote from any of the following: Frankenstein, The Shining, Any of the Hannibal Lecter films, Any of the Alien films, Star Wars, Star Trek, or Starcraft
39. The drop chute that leads to the safe is not the magic Wizards’ cave
40. Calling in sick after the manager saw you at a bar dancing on a table with a tequila bottle in each hand will earn you a disciplinary hearing
41. “I like chilli” Is not an appropriate response to a customer complaint (even if it was about chilli)
42. Wearing someone else’s nametag doesn’t mean it wasn’t my fault
43. “I’m incompetent” is not and never will be an appropriate response to a customer complaint
44. “Everybody does it” is not a valid excuse
45. “Playing the race card” is not something we do when dealing with an irate customer
46. “Customer service” means being polite and helpful to customers and not mentioning any of their (many) failings
47. If I get put on the early shift, I’m not allowed to scream as I walk past the manager’s house at five in the morning on my way to work
48. Especially if it turns out they don’t live there
49. The automatic lock-in system is not to be used on shoplifters
50. Staff are not allowed to show up to work drunk
51. Even if that member of staff is the youngest one there and the others have all set a bad example
52. Singing off-colour songs while stacking shelves is frowned upon
53. Even if key words are replaced with the names of our products
54. If songs are out, it should be assumed that interpretive dance is too
55. When stacking shelves, I should not say “who buys this shit anyway?”
56. I can’t change company policy
57. Obscene nicknames do not need to be used at work
58. The bell used to call for assistance does not invoke a “Pavlovian response” and nobody should drool when they hear it
59. Malfunctioning equipment is not an incitement to panic
60. Falling asleep in cupboards is bad – doubly so if waiting customers can see you
61. A lunch break is the amount of time we are allowed by the company for lunch, not the amount of time it actually takes to eat it
62. “He’s locked in the freezer” is not to be used to explain why staff are not at the cash register
63. Not allowed to lock staff in the freezer
64. Not allowed to give customers large amounts of change in pennies
65. Not allowed to make customers wait while refilling the register with larger denominations of change
66. (related to the above) Not allowed to point out that the last two things I was told contradict each other
67. A police helicopter hovering over the station is not an incitement to panic
68. A police officer requesting to see the station CCTV tapes is not an incitement to panic
69. Nobody wants to hear what medication the doctor put me on this week
70. Puppies are not allowed inside the station
71. We are not allowed to hold a competition to see who can serve the ugliest customer
72. We are not allowed to win said competition by serving the manager
73. We are not allowed to discuss how stupid/ugly/drunk/incompetent our coworkers are in front of customers
74. We are not allowed to voice opinions which conflict with company views or belittle the company while serving customers
75. Cool people, bikers and family members do not have right of way at the pumps
76. If a customer stands at a register that isn’t mine, I should still serve them
77. The Tannoy system is not a toy
78. I don’t have seniority over anyone
79. Meeting a famous person doesn’t automatically grant seniority
80. Growing a beard doesn’t automatically grant seniority
81. No one working at our station has a title, and if they did, it wouldn’t automatically grant seniority
82. Co workers who come from another station are not “temps” and I don’t have seniority over them, either
83. None of the coffee machines are trying to kill me
84. Mixing coffee with disinfectant – even accidentally – is wrong
85. Getting cocktail recommendations from customers is not an efficient use of company time
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