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Archive for November 23rd, 2008

Things You Should Not Do In Corporate Security

Sunday, November 23rd, 2008

It’s Monday, and here’s your list update. Treat it nice because if you break it, you won’t get another until next week.

(Submitted by Scalexd)
-Not allowed to title my Medical Incident Reports “Stairs = Mass Pwnage”.
-Not allowed to title myself “Lead Security Officer”, “The Security Coordinator”, “The Security Administrator”, or “Security Agent” in a effort to sign more important, even if I rightfully deserve the title (my title is “Security Specialist”).
-Weekday Morning Shift Squad is not 1337.
-No weapons are to be carried on duty, including blow up dolls.
-Not allowed to challenge my Two-time-Iraq-vet Partner to Bourne-Style hand-to-hand combat in a effort to settle a dispute: I will lose.
-Not allowed to drink “Espresso injected with material to give it a extra solid boost” ever again.
-The aforementioned drink does not throw me forward in time.
-Nor does it help me predict the future.
-My call sign over the radio is “A-Six-Five”, not “McLovin”.
-The “Specialist Creed” of the Army, made famous by the Internet, does not apply to me.
-Not allowed to wear my “UR MOM” necklace under my shirt, even if it is a lucky charm that saved me from death.
-Even if I do consider it of religious value.
-Even if I do threaten to call the ACLU.
-Not allowed to tow the CEO’s car.
-That “off-white beater VW bug looking thing” in the CEO’s parking space is not what I think it is.
-Do not put “DO NOT PARK HERE” signs on that car.
-In fact, its not a “off-white beater VW bug”, its actually a RARE classic 1950s-model Porsche and its worth more than the lives of this entire squad combined!
-Not allowed to take my Acura RSX and challenge the CEO to a street race on the day he brought his Ferrari to work.
-Not allowed to tow the expensive cars of “high-up corporate douche bags” I do not like.
-Just because the Nursing Mothers are starting a support group, does not mean I get to start a support group for guys discuss things like “that rash in between my thigh” and “that night at the club…”.
-That dirty white women’s thong we found in the lobby outside the company cafe is NOT mine, I swear!
-Not allowed to not write an incident report regarding the missing chair of a SVPs assistant.
-Even if we did find it.
-Even if virtually EVERYONE IN THE COMPANY HAS THE EXACT SAME make, model, type and is adjustable…
-Not allowed to mention “sexual misconduct” in the incident report of a investigation regarding over half-million dollars in stolen property..
-There is no secret covert war between my dispatchers in another state and day shift.
-Even if they are incompetent 95% of the time and act like they know everything.
-Not allowed to make redneck jokes to the dispatchers, even if they are from a “hick” state (I was born in VA and raised in the Carolina’s so I can make hick jokes)
-Not allowed to talk in New Jersey accents to the Dispatchers to sound tough (“Get outta here!”).
-Not allowed to talk in Spanish to the dispatchers: they don’t know what you’re saying.
-Not allowed to talk in Redneck accents to the dispatchers.
-Or to the visiting engineer from our India office. (They don’t know the concept of rednecks).
-Not allowed to make the sounds of a Mack truck backing up (beep beep beep) even if the badging clerk’s love handles are hanging out from her shirt for all to see.
-Not allowed to watch porn on the flat screen plasma TV display screens.
-Not allowed to watch South Park when the day is slow (in honor of Skippy).