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Shelf Stacker Rules

November 16th, 2008 by skippy

Here is a list of bad ideas from a UK co-op grocery store.

(Submitted by Jason Cyrus)

1. Do not let customers hear you pointing out how retarded they are. This will get you reprimanded.
2. Even if they asked where to put the basket while standing 2 feet away from the pile of baskets.
3. Even if the boss agrees with your comments.
4. Do not undo the tops of twist top beer bottles to punish the anti-social alcoholics that enter, with stale beer.
5. Do not stash cash-checking pens in hiding places “Because the morons in the garden centre keep losing them.”
6. Do not threaten to chop shoplifters hands off.
7. Do not threaten to put shoplifters in the freezers.
8. Do not threaten to imprison shoplifters in stock cages.
9. Do not threaten to do both 7 & 8 together.
10. Do not under any circumstances actually do these.
11. Do no get a pack of straws out and yell “Save the booze!” when a cage of alcohol smashes in the back.
12. Do not actively insult company stupidity for making said smashed cage so heavy it fell off the back of the truck because the wheel jammed and tipped it.
13. Do not push a cage so fast it’s liable to kill a small child if you don’t see them.
14. Do not push a loose stock cage so fast it’s liable to kill you.
15. Remember to secure stock appropriately when you try 14 anyway; a case of fast moving soda to the groin is NOT fun.
16. Do not insult managers when they don’t have a clue.
17. Especially in public.
18. Even when they fully agree with you.
19. Even if staff from the last store he worked for comes in and starts the conversation first.
20. Do not publicly mock other customers.
21. Do not go “Ape shit” at a female customer who’s PMSing.
22. Even if she is burying you in cuss words and is a junkie.
23. Even if she deserves it.
24. When held at knife/gun point and asked for the till do not tell them where the safe keys are because you hope management will get stabbed/shot.
25. Even if they’d do the same to you.
26. Do not ignore standard stock rotations just to get the job done quickly.
27. Even if its awesome to find cans/jars/boxes from over a decade ago lurking at the back of shelves.
28. Do not squirrel away alcohol that is rare and has been mis-priced.
29. Do no reduce items more for yourself.
30. Don’t try to convince managers to support this method.
31. Don’t mock managers when they do it themselves when they think you aren’t looking.
32. Don’t blame a recently-left manager (sacked or otherwise) for overly reducing items you get caught with.
33. Don’t turn off the cameras late at night and play “Dive through the displays.” It hurts when full boxes are buried underneath the toilet paper.
34. Don’t encourage disliked managers to show off their strength by lifting things very likely to injure them.
35. Don’t check the disused box bailer in case you can successfully fake an industrial accident with above manager.
36. Do not play trolley racing with long trolley lines and lots of traffic.
37. Don’t make menacing gestures to youngsters who are vandalizing trolleys.
38. Never under any circumstances chase down shop lifters and give them a kicking.
39. If you catch a shop lifter never try to push him into traffic so he can’t get away.
40. Never tell the police your manager is lying to them when he says shop lifters damaged the main doors in the struggle when it was his fat ass.
41. Never tell said manager you did this.
42. Never threaten the previous night kiosk shift with insertion of miniature bottles in orifices for leaving a mess the night before.
43. Never threaten similar violence for other offenses like not turning off the lottery point so you can’t get accurate printouts.
44. Don’t threaten to put that same shift in the disused bailer for not tying up the magazines correctly so they get left and not taken away.
45. Don’t cuss out the magazine supplier for short-stacking you with major selling items.
46. Especially if a nearby colleague is on the phone with them and you can be heard.
47. Don’t publicly mock fellow employees for being so stupid they must have been thrown down a flight of stairs at birth.
48. Even when everyone else agrees and does so as well.
49. Don’t make said stupid employee cry/want to kill themselves even if it will benefit humanity.
50. Don’t mock employees who come into a Sunday shift with really bad hangovers.
51. Do not hide their orange juice/pain killers when this happens just to see how long they last before they ask you for money to get more.
52. Don’t threaten customers who break jars and leave them laying without telling you, with contaminated products if they do it again.
53. Don’t flirt with customers.
54. Even if they are smoking hot and enjoying the attention.
55. Don’t threaten Chavs/neds/hoodies with extreme physical violence for entering your store.
56. Do not attempt to go through with this threat when you catch them shop lifting.
57. Do not go “Off the deep end” at 15 year old girls flirting with you in an annoying way and annoying other customers.
58. Do not encourage customers to “Slap the stupid” out of the above.
59. Do not tell the customers you hope that burning smell is the store burning down.
60. Do not communicate your avid disappointment when its a false alarm.
61. Do not shout “Woohoo” when the store is actually on fire and start taking bets on if it’ll spread.
62. Do not get pissed at second manager for ruining the product display you made to impress the store manager.
63. Do not rig wine bottles to stick to the shelves on your last week at work so they’ll slip and break when you aren’t there.
64. Do not put items through as waste “Because no one buys it and I need more shelf space.”

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19 Responses to “Shelf Stacker Rules”

  1. Vittles Says:

    Nice list, this reminds me of my days serving time in Target.


    Billy reply on November 17th, 2008 9:48 am:

    I’m still serving time in target, I hate how they turn the heat up in the winter. I’m starting to think that it is, in fact, hell, with the combonation of heat and too much red.


  2. Jake Says:

    I realize that this is a typo, and should be corrected, but the error is sheer awesomeness:

    8. Do not threaten to imprison shoplifters in stock cages.
    9. Do not threaten to do both 8 & 9 together.

    captch: entitled lace


    skippy reply on November 17th, 2008 12:51 am:

    oops, fixed that.


    Stickfodder reply on November 17th, 2008 4:54 am:

    Aw come on It was funnier that way.


  3. Jason Cyrus Says:

    There re many more that I remembered the next morning while i had actually gotten some sleep.

    Heres a few more:

    Constantly asking management how they manage to dissappear down aisles will not make any friends in the long term. (It’s like they have portal technology or something O.o)

    Making your hot female co-worker blush by reminding her she accidentally said you were he bit on the side, while funny, will not convince her to get hot and heavy in the back with you.

    Teasing above employee about being blonde, which she freely admits while blushing, also does not work, but DOES get you a shift cover when you need it.

    Never get in a shoulder punching contest with an army cadet co-worker. They somehow don’t feel pain.

    Never be in line of sight when a new guide dog comes into the store. They get nervous and mopping up after them is not fun.

    Mocking the company’s choice of not refitting the store every time the freezers break down is not a good career move.

    Showing off your latest find of past its era food product to other staff, while fun, is not appreciated while they are having lunch.


  4. paula Says:

    got another one:

    You are not allowed to call the cops or Social Services to report an abandoned child when somebody leaves thier kid(s) in the toy department “to amuse themselves” while the parents go off elsewhere to shop.


    Stickfodder reply on November 17th, 2008 2:24 pm:

    I was that kid on many occasions.


    paula reply on November 17th, 2008 3:12 pm:

    and I wanted to beat the heck outta ya, more’n’likely…..


  5. Dorkus Says:

    That reminds me of all the years I spent working at a grocery store.

    Another one: Don’t laugh at the ugly, fat guy buying a six pack of cheap beer, a box of condoms, and a tub of cool whip at 11 pm on Saturday night. Remember you are sixteen and working till midnight on said night, and not the one buying beer, cool whip, and condoms.


  6. munkee Says:

    thou shalt not scream at the kids who cant make all their purchases in one go and have to go back and forth five million times til their money runs out


  7. Adam Says:

    More from the Scout Camp Shop:

    1a) Not allowed to bitch about my supervisor to my friends.

    1b) Especially in front of her sister.

    1c) “She’s too hot to be your sister,” is not an excuse for not knowing. This phrase should never… EVER… be said out loud to any PMS-ing female possessing authority-like powers and poor self-image.

    2a) Not allowed to add blue powerade to the lemonade-flavored slushie.

    2b) Even if customers are begging me to charge them a raised price to make up for the “loss” of the powerade (they really were begging).

    2c) Even though the “GREEN SLUSHIE MONSTER OF DOOM”-flavor sells faster than any other slushie.

    2d) Even though last week’s powerade is still in the fridge, and the green slushie sold in an hour.

    3a) Not allowed to make “SHOCKOLATE” (see “Power Thirst” on YouTube)-flavored slushies.

    3b) Even if only the staff are allowed to drink it (for safety reasons, because caffeine makes campers do stupid things).

    3c) ESPECIALLY because only the staff are allowed to drink it, and ESPECIALLY because said safety reasons apply to some of the staff (seriously… some CITs need a probation period).

    4) Not allowed to call CITs “Staff Helpers In Training” (see acronym).

    5) Not allowed to stack milk crates over the AC vents as “cooling chairs.”

    6) Not allowed to stand over the AC vent, even if I say that I’m taking action to avoid heat stroke.

    7) Not allowed to tease the “other” camp staff just because they work at a different camp at the same reservation. Except when campers are not around.

    8a) Water balloons, staff, and private vehicles should never be allowed to mix. Ever.

    8b) Even though the owner of the car was from the other camp’s staff. (long story short… the dent is still there).

    9a) Customer service is the most important priority. For this reason, pre-orders should be filled ASAP.

    9b) Keeping my immediate supervisor informed is also important, because “What pre-order?” is bad for conversation with potential customers.

    9c) Just because my supervisor insists on filling and handling all pre-orders “from now on” does not mean I should not have a backup already filled and stashed away, because neither the customer, nor myself, will ever know where my supervisor hid the original pre-order despite her insistance that I should have known.


  8. jimbo-maple Says:

    Some good ones from a plant centre
    1) Just because someone wears a hearing aid does not mean they actually remember to turn it on

    2) Xmas starts in September, halloween never existed *eyeroll*

    3) bird seed is not where the sign says…it just fell into a black hole of no return <-well thats what the customers think anyways

    4a) Turning on the heat will result in no warmth and the fire brigade showing up

    4b) Therefore it will always be the same temperature indoors as it is outdoors during winter

    4c) 4+ layers of clothing are suggested to avoid hypothermia indoors

    4d) management will regularly comment on the temperature but never do anything substantial to sort the problems out and hope summer comes round before the death toll becomes noticeable

    5) Laughing when a customer injures themself by demanding you hand them something heavier than they can handle is not a good idea.

    6) Full moons bring out crazier people than normal

    7) Commenting on the above will bring blank looks and glares from managers

    8) Complaining about violent and abusive customers will result in you being seen as the problem

    8b) Bringing company policy on the banning of abusive and violent customers to the attention of deputy management is a waste of time

    9) Just because I am legally entitled to breaks does not mean I will actually get them

    9b) even if the boss tells me I will get them

    9c) Even if I make 9b known to deputy managers

    9d) This will be especially bad when the boss is on vacation

    10) The fire alarm tone will never be set to a consistent tone

    10b) doing this would spoil the alarm installers twisted idea of fun seemingly

    11) light bulbs will NEVER be replaced, resulting in quasi darkness in some areas

    hmm will see if i can think of some more


  9. Andrew Says:

    Ahh… I’ll add a few from my time as a security officer for Shop N’ Save (Better known to it’s employees as Slop And Slave)

    1. When Apprehending a shoplifter stealing alcohol, never encourage then to hit you with the bottle.
    2. Even if you are looking for a fight.
    3. If there are no customers (read witnesses) around, then it is sorta ok, as long as Shop N’ Save doesn’t have to pay the medical bill.
    4. Even if you are feeling nice, don’t count down from five before spraying a shoplifter with pepper spray/tear gas.
    5. It is NOT ok to kick a shoplifter after you have knock him out cold.
    5b. Even if he did break two of your fingers.
    5c. Especially if you are in plain view of a camera.
    6. Being the only white guy in a store, including the customers, and apprehending a black shoplifter automatically makes you a racist.
    7. NEVER jump in a moving vehicle to apprehend a shoplifter.
    7b. Even if it did work out in the end and you saved the company several thousand dollars.
    8. Putting pepper spray/tear gas in a rude/drunk customers vehicles AC vent, during a hot summer day, isn’t funny.
    8b. It fucking hillarious!
    8c. But only if you aren’t caught by said customer (I wasn’t)
    9. When throwing a shoplifter (i.e. he is “resisting” and you have him by collar and belt) do not aim for the side of the building.
    9b. Aim for the softest landing place you can.
    9c. Only if the side of the building is softest can you aim for the side of a building.
    10. Double foot drop kicking a 6’9″ tall 290 pound weight lifter will only make them mad.
    10b. Sucker punching said weight lifter in the groin is unneccissary too. Even if it works.
    11. When catching associates stealing, try not to catch all the store associates except the store manager in less than 3 weeks time. It takes time to hire new people and train them.

    and finally…

    12. If you do find yourself in a fight and need to use your pepper spray/tear gas, try not to hit your partner and area sergent in the same blast.
    12b. Do not use the spray can after it is empty as a hand brace (roll of quarters style) to make your punches more effective. Especially if the reason you need to throw punches is because your sergent and partner were affected by the spray and the shoplifter wasn’t.

    Captcha: madly Middleburgers


  10. Leeta Says:

    Hello there! I saw this link when I was online from Windows Live Messenger.

    I work in a grocery store in Canada.

    One thing that wouldn’t apply in my country is the bits regarding alcohol because it has to be sold in actual liquor stores. Drinking ages vary by provinces … where I am you have to be 19.

    My pay is awful. My union got a new contract this summer, and my pay was increased only by one $1. I have to work over a 100 more hours to get more cents. Then wait until April or something to hope for more.


  11. Dave Van Domelen Says:

    Do not tell cashiers that cash-checking pens are a total scam, just to see the “deer in the headlights” look that this generates when they realize they’re required to perform a meaningless action that won’t protect them from being caught taking counterfeits.

    They hate that. :)


  12. Kurt Scheibl Says:

    When asked where the bread is, do not languidly turn and point at the wall-encompassing spread of three billion types of bread approximately six feet away without bothering to say anything. Your manager will not appreciate this.


  13. Thomas Says:

    21 thru 23: Did Amy Winehouse come shopping at your establishment? What a train wreck!


  14. dave the destroyer Says:

    i’ve not yet had the misfortune of working in a store, but i’ve been banned from one for “attacking other customers”… in reality it was the same customer 3 different times, twice when he made one of the cashiers cry from cussing her out so much, and a third time when he was on the verge of making the same cashier cry. turns out guys stop yelling so much once you’ve given them a good hard kick to the balls :)


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