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Beauty and the Beast

November 17th, 2008 by Andrew

Now when you read the title I’m sure you thought “Great, another Disney fanatic!” And you aren’t wrong, but this isn’t about a Disney film.

This is about me and another soldier who just happens to have the best qualities of a red headed librarian, school teacher, Miss Universe and the super-hot naughty nun all wrapped into one cuddly little bundle.

But first a little background. I used to be a highly competitive athlete. I was a swimming, diving, rock climbing, snow boarding, skate-boarding, biking and running machine. Unfortunately this meant that I also received a fair share of injuries from each sport. By the time I was twenty I had dislocated both my shoulders on no fewer that two hundred occasions, broken almost every bone in my body and had dislocated my left hip no less than eighty times. But I was still quite limber and wiry so I could use these impairments to my advantage for the gross-out type humor. And I could do a very good impersonation of a redneck pig farmer.

Around Halloween two years ago I was showing off for some of my buddies at work and word leaked out that I was some kind of freak of nature that could twist my body into a weird shape and sound like an insane pig farmer. A little later that day I was on my way to a briefing at HQ and this bombshell of an Airman stopped me and asked ever-so-nicely if I would do the impression for her. Well since on a scale of one to ten she rated at least a fifteen I agreed and after dislocating three major joints in my body, folding my arms backwards across my shoulders and turning my voice into a raspy shriek of insanity she proceeded to laugh in a most convincing and distracting way. Distracting because I did not notice I had moved in front of the VCOs office, something I would tend to notice and avoid. Needless to say, he was not amused.

So rule of thumb, if you are going to do something to impress a beautiful woman, make sure it’ll impress everyone else as well.

P.S. The super-hottie is taken now. Her name is Tressie and she got married December 14 of last year. To me.

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22 Responses to “Beauty and the Beast”

  1. Adam Says:

    Hey congrats guys! Best wishes!


  2. Stickfodder Says:

    I demand video of said talent.


    Fractured Cell reply on November 18th, 2008 5:36 am:

    i second that!


    Andy reply on November 18th, 2008 5:53 am:



    Allan reply on November 18th, 2008 10:22 am:

    Screw that, I demand video of the hot redhead.


    Al Li reply on December 14th, 2008 10:27 pm:

    Second THAT!


    Andrew reply on December 15th, 2008 5:05 am:

    I found it! Search for tressie2006@gmail.com!!!

  3. Andrew Says:

    Video doesn’t do it justice (my voice doesn’t record over electronic devices too well). However if you are in the St. Louis area during the Halloween holidays you can find me at the “The Dungeon” haunted house in Pevely. The one with the insane, mass murdering pig farmer. I’m the one who plays his inbred canabalistic brother.

    Captcha: terday Smedley – I ain’t got nothin’.. How bout yer ‘Ern?


    Andy reply on November 18th, 2008 7:00 am:

    wasnt halloween like last month….


    SpaZzy reply on November 18th, 2008 11:47 am:

    I will definitely have to go there at some point during my life. I must see this :D



  4. Tony Says:

    nope it’s been moved up to august so we can get an earlier start on christmas.


  5. dainis Says:

    Come now, Andrew, you know the rules…pics or it didn’t happen!!


  6. Anonymous and STILL Employed Says:

    Married? WOOOOOO! GO MAN GO! And why is it that awesome talents like suddenyl becoming a crazy inbred pig farmer never impress your superiors? That sucks!


    Minty reply on November 18th, 2008 12:46 pm:

    Maybe his superior was descended from crazy inbred pig farmers? It’s been known to happen.


  7. bindoverbindo Says:



  8. Andrew Says:

    For those of you who want to see a pic of my wife she has a myspace page. But you’re gonna have to find it yerself. (Hint: He name is Tressie Case)


  9. Andrew Says:

    HER name is Tressie Case.

    Don’t sleep and type. It bad for the words.


    macdjord reply on November 20th, 2008 4:48 pm:

    Absolutely NO results for “Tressie Case”.


    Andrew reply on November 21st, 2008 5:35 am:

    Try Tressie Sullivan then


    macdjord reply on November 23rd, 2008 10:21 pm:

    “Sorry, we weren’t able to find a “Tressie Sullivan” on MySpace.com”

    Kade Silverwind reply on May 5th, 2009 4:19 pm:

    i think i found the proof, is this correct?


  10. DJJimmyD Says:

    hey andrew, is this the same tressie sullivan that went to mehlville? if so tell her some of her old high school friends are looking for her. jimmy, julie and others!


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