Things That Should Not Be Done In The British Army

June 30th, 2008 by skippy

As an American, one thing I have gotten used to is the fact that people in England always want to copy us. They started by copying our democratic system of government, and then moved on to TV shows. Soon programs like The Weakest Link, The Office, and Dr. Who had been seized, and translated out of their native tongue and into what they like to call “The Queens English”. Its just like our English, except that its spelled funny, they cuss wrong, and use proper grammar.

Well now they’ve gone an Anglo-morphed my list.

Here is the result, as transcribed by one of their medics.

(Submitted by Stitch)

Not allowed to phone out for pizza while on exercise.
Not allowed to sell moonshine.
Not allowed to feign bleeding during a drugs test.
My corps badge is the Rod of Aesclepius, not “the SnakeStick.”
Not allowed to run a book on racing the very same cockroaches we don’t officially have!
Not allowed to invent medical conditions.
Not allowed to sneak back in under the barbed wire at three in the morning.
Not allowed to start a gay bar on the camp. This applies in conjunction with #2
If I am gonna be mistaken for a guy, must not get caught “sneaking” into the women’s accommodation.
See 9: When caught, “I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body” is not a reasonable defence.
Not allowed a mohawk.
Not authorized to issue “beer tokens.”
Not mine: Not allowed to head-butt vending machines, even if it did steal a pound.
Not allowed to play “human bowling.”
Medicine balls are not appropriate equipment for playing dodgeball.
A live adder is not appropriate equipment for playing dodgeball.
Not mine: Must not leave a still running while away on exercise…BOOM!
“How the fuck do you even tie your shoes?” is not motivational.
Not allowed to get in fights in town.
Not allowed to practice medicine “off the books.”
If your disease sounds strange and Stitch diagnosed it you’re probably being had! (See Skippy #213)
Not allowed to play companies off one another.
Not authorized to administer “mob justice.”
See 23: Even for something sickening.
Not authorized to administer military discipline.
Not authorized to promote teddy bears above my own rank.
Not allowed to leave a teddy bear on sentry.
Must not show up to a staff parade dressed as a ninja turtle.
Must not show up to a staff parade dressed as a drag queen.
Must not show up to a staff parade in nothing but my boots and a hat.
Must not sneak prostitutes onto the base.
Rubbing the inside of a respirator with Deep Heat is evil.
Rubbing my face with baking soda before entering the respirator test chamber is cheating!
Not mine: Must not receive fellatio from a resuscitation doll.
Mine: Must not be the first person to train on said doll.
Not allowed to get anything pierced.
Not allowed a facial tattoo.
APC’s are not for taking a girlfriend in.
The night medic should refrain from turning drinks “Irish”, even if she’s freezing her arse off!
Not allowed to do “funny shit” with tritium paint.

Also, I like the word Anglo-morph. Anglo-morph sounds like it should be a monster that Godzilla would fight. A giant very polite city crushing monstrosity, with bad teeth. It’s probably looking for tea. I hear they like tea.

Like a 300 foot tall Eddie Izzard with atomic fire breath.

Um, I’ll stop now.

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This entry was posted on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 8:57 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

L.B. Bryant Says:
June 30th, 2008 at 9:10 am

“and then moved on to TV shows. Soon programs like The Weakest Link, The Office, and Dr. Who had been seized, and translated out of their native tongue and into what they like to call “The Queens English”. Its just like our English, except that its spelled funny, they cuss wrong, and use proper grammar.”

I’m confused since these are all shows that are originally British and as far as I’m aware, there hasn’t been an American version of the Dr.

Stickfodder reply on June 30th, 2008 10:01 am:

yeah that was the joke. how did you not get that?

And those bastards had the audacity to steal our language and name their country after it

L.B. Bryant reply on June 30th, 2008 10:03 am:

Ah… read it after I got home from a temp job and it flew right over my head. *feels stupid*

Stickfodder reply on June 30th, 2008 10:56 am:

Woosh!

Scott Says:
June 30th, 2008 at 9:57 am

I think ( I hope) he was being sarcastic, Unless my democracy he means the one with the most money wins and god help the rest of us.

Mongrel reply on June 30th, 2008 4:49 pm:

“Rubbing my face with baking soda before entering the respirator test chamber is cheating!”

Lost on this one….

Is anyone able to explain please?

JamesMcP reply on July 1st, 2008 3:31 am:

If my brit-yank translation dictionary is right, replace “respirator” with “gas mask.”

Some (all?) U.S. forces are sent into a room full of tear gas wearing their mask. They then remove said mask to enjoy the full benefits of the military experience.

Depending on the chemical makeup of the gas used by the British, baking soda could act as a temporary neutralizer. It would work to buffer the effects of acidic compounds, although I’m not sure how long it would last.

DjaPavlak Says:
June 30th, 2008 at 6:04 pm

my dear god, by far a 300 foot tall eddie izzard is the scariest thing on the face of the earth, yet also one of the funniest

Air farce dude Says:
June 30th, 2008 at 8:44 pm

as long as good ole eddie isn’t wearing a dress then i’d be cool with that.

Daver Says:
June 30th, 2008 at 11:22 pm

Hey, I think respirator is military for gas mask, and they get very sweaty and nasty inside after a few minutes so the talc would absorb some of that, I think?

Mongrel Says:
July 1st, 2008 at 4:36 am

Thanks JamesP, that makes sense now.

Daver – got the respirator bit, just not the Bicarb. And for the record Bicarb is a bloody awful talc substitute, it gets a bit reactive when it’s wet. Even so, from my climbing days, talc only works for ‘mild’ sweating – anything more and it turns into a rather messy, claggy, clayey solid.

Tyr Says:
July 1st, 2008 at 5:29 am

Baking soda is basic.(It reacts with vinegar, which is acidic.) Tear gas is acidic (I am basing this off the fact that chlorine gas is on the far right of the periodic table and hence is acidic and it was used as a weapon) The tear gas normally steals electrons from your lungs and eyes (note:That hurts!), but because the baking soda has extra electrons that it wants to give away, (i.e. is basic) the tear gas will react with it instead of your squishy bits. Although it will absorb some sweat, sweat has: “sodium 0.9 gram/liter, potassium 0.2 gram/liter, calcium 0.015 gram/liter, magnesium 0.0013 gram/liter” These are alkaline metals. They are on the left of the periodic table and are basic. The baking soda is basic. I do not think it would be comfortable to have them mis on your skin, however that is just conjecture.

Your friendly intertube alchemist/physicist/lurker
Tyr.

PS. What about us Canadians? We “stole” the liquid sugar you put on pancakes, added some liquid from trees, made it taste good and called it Maple Syrup.

Stitch reply on July 1st, 2008 3:55 pm:

This was indeed the plan and it worked for about a minute before my face started burning just like everybody elses.

SPC Hyle reply on July 1st, 2008 8:18 pm:

Chlorine is NOT acidic–it’s just highly, highly, highly reactive, and will quickly reduce anything it is in contact with. It doesn’t steal electrons–it steals whole fucking atoms. In your lung tissue. That is a Bad Thing.

Acid/base is based on either H+ or OH- concentrations (high H+ means acid) or, in the Lewis sense, proton donors or recipients, with donors being acids. This is why ammonia is a base when introduced into water–it pulls a proton to it. It does not lose an electron.

SPC Hyle reply on July 1st, 2008 8:23 pm:

Sorry, I was thinking of Bronstead-Lowry acid. Lewis acids are electrophiles, which H+ qualifies as. Culpa mea. (I should really learn to wake up before I post anything…)

Stitch Says:
July 1st, 2008 at 3:15 pm

I should explain #8. We were told there was gonna be a massive inspection on April the first. A lot of guys thought it was a joke so some of us decided we would have a bit of fun with said inspection. Cue me running around town trying to lay my hands on 8 pairs of pink rubber hotpants, 8 Barbie duvet covers, 8 mirrorballs, 8 copies of BoyFun magazine and one hell of a lot of fake tan…

tzanti Says:
July 1st, 2008 at 9:33 pm

Nice to read a British list at last.

captcha: Military Pending – Wonder if that refers to that inspection?

Stitch Says:
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:28 pm

Anything on here you want a story for just mention it here. #6 was a classic – I turned up at the gate messily drunk. I was asked if I was drunk and I claimed that no, I wasn’t just drunk, I had a medical condition. When asked what this medical condition might be I replied “boozitis.” I spent the night in jail for it but I was legend the next day.

Brina Ferret Says:
July 4th, 2008 at 10:29 am

Stitch I’d just like to say, Oh my holy fucking me… this is just wow and the stories add just that extra bit, but I am curious about numbers 7, 31, 39…

and I’d like to point out it sucks growing up in america using british slang, grammar, spelling, and pronunciations

captcha: “hu- Clemens” either some famous guy or an std

Stitch reply on July 7th, 2008 7:22 pm:

#7 I was extremely drunk having gone off to London for a weekend in Soho.

#31 Was a favour for a friend. Luckily for me it was him that got busted and not me…

#39 I got caught adding a little something from a hip flask to my coffee while on shift.

TGOBG reply on July 10th, 2008 7:45 pm:

Hu Clemens was Samuel Clemens’ chinese half brother

draco Says:
July 8th, 2008 at 3:29 am

great lists i spent time in the army and have seen tried or heard of people doing some of these things that are on your lists.

CCO Says:
July 10th, 2008 at 11:29 am

In Eisenhower’s memoirs, At Ease: Stories I tell my Friends, he tells about the time he and a buddy did #30 when they were cadets at West Point. They were ordered to report in tails & hat (or some such). So that’s all they wore!

(& I didn’t know the Brits called moonshine “moonshine” as NASCAR is supposed to owe its roots to men smuggling moonshine in the boots of their cars!)

Stitch reply on July 10th, 2008 2:12 pm:

There are different names for it in different parts of the country. In the Midlands where I’m from it’s called home brew, brew or fight juice. In London where I live now it’s called moonshine.

TGOBG reply on July 10th, 2008 7:51 pm:

My dad called it moose milk, being as he was from Virginia in the mountains and there were no moose, i found that funny. But it was also White Lightning, shine, moonshine, corn squeezings, Mountain dew, home remedy, and a whole host of other things. Some of which could not be pronounced with out a healthy sampling of the product before hand.

Captcha: snowbound obscur-

Stitch Says:
January 25th, 2009 at 2:50 am

I should add for the record: all of the above took place when I was aged 17. I’m now 24, so it’s been some time. There are other stories that I won’t go into, partly because being a dyke was still illegal when I was in the army. I will add one last item to the list:

41. Must not genderfuck the chain of command.

There are about 10 or so different stories tied to this one, one of which has to do with #9 and #10. Suffice it to say they fucking hated it whenever I did anything like that, and it got a lot more frequent after I shaved my head…

David B reply on March 12th, 2014 8:04 am:

I would like an explanation for 32. I realize this is old, but I am REALLY curious about it.