A List of Clown Porn Gags (Blame Skippy for bringing it up).
I doubt the following is safe for work, but if the title did not tip you off to that, you deserve to get fired.
In his last post, Skippy mentioned that one of the things he does not want to see in porn is clowns. Also this has unintentionally turned into “list week” on the site, so I ran with it.
I am sure most readers of this site are aware of a film called “Clown Porn.” (That link is definitely not safe for work.)
I had always thought it would be funny to make a clown porno of some sort. As a comic, I know it only has so much potential, and figured it would make a good animated short. You can imagine my surprise to find out that there was a full length, live action movie about clown sex. So I checked out the trailer at the above link, and realized that they missed so many potential jokes and sight gags. But then again, people that make porn are not known for being too funny, at least not intentionally. But they tried, and I have to give them credit for that.
So, here is a list of clown porn gags that I would incorporate into my movie if I were to make one.
1. Clown deepthroat: The clown nose honks each time it hits the pubic area above the penis. Honk. Honk. Honk. Honk. Honk.
2. Never ending penis: Think about that scarf a clown pulls out of his pocket that just never seems to end. Imagine a clown “whipping it out” and he just keeps pulling and pulling and pulling more penis out as it makes a large pile on the floor. And it should probably be rainbow colored just for the fun of it.
3. Clown car vagina: One clown goes in, and then the next and the next and the next, until you have about twenty clowns in her. She acts like they are running around in there, she orgasms, and then shoots them out one by one like human cannon balls.
4. Squirting “flower”: You have a male clown undress a female clown. He takes off her shirt to reveal her breasts, and as he uncovers them, they squirt him in the face. He quickly covers them back up. Slowly he reveals just one and gets squirted right in the eye. Giving up on the breasts, he goes and removes her panties and gets squirted from there too.
5. Oooops the condom came off: If you do the safe sex thing, you could have the condom fall off inside the female clown. The male clown sticks his whole arm in to retrieve it. He looks like he is reaching all around in there and finding nothing. He suddenly gets a pleased look on his face and starts to pull something out, but instead of a condom, it is a bunch of flowers. He throws them to the side and goes back in, and after some more intense fishing around, he comes back out with a rabbit. Back in, and this time he finds a monkey wrench. He goes in one more time and you see him pull the end of the condom out. When he almost has it out, suddenly, it pulls back. He engages in a tug of war with the condom until he eventually loses and gets pulled in.
6. Cotton candy: A couple of clowns would not have real pubic hair, just little mounds of cotton candy.
7. Rainbow pubes: This is self explanatory.
8. Sweeping up the wet spot: It’s like the old sweeping up the shrinking spotlight bit, but with the wet spot.
9. Confetti money shot: He pulls out and shoots confetti all over the female clown.
10. Seltzer money shot: He pulls out and is going to skeet on her face, but instead it is a huge torrent of seltzer water. Lots of it. And just when it seems like there is no more left, and she begins to rub it all over herself, another huge torrent, larger than the first blasts her.
11. More honking: All intercourse will have honking on the in-stroke.
12. Slide whistle: Some how this seems like a good sound effect for an anal scene, but could be good for another blow job scene too. Whooooeeeep. Wheeeeoooop. Whooooeeeep. Wheeeeoooop.
Well that’s it, and just like real porn the women will leave their shoes on. Their big floppy shoes. I wonder, do they make floppy shoes with clear heels?
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June 26th, 2008 at 8:10 am
Oh jeez. I laughed so hard!
But number 5 is gonna give me nightmares.
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June 26th, 2008 at 9:36 am
It’s mental images things like this give me and the fact that Fox cancelled Firefly that make me question the existance of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Captcha: on completely.
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June 26th, 2008 at 10:01 am
Look for Sherbet the Clown by Bridgett Harrington.
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June 26th, 2008 at 10:06 am
On number 5, when he gets the rubber, the female clown’s head pops out of sight and comes out through her clown-cunt with the rubber in her teeth. No, that isn’t funny, just gross. Well, kinda funny.
Stop it! There isn’t anything funny about clown sex. He,He, snicker, snicker. Really, it isn’t funny.
This voice in my head, it won’t stop with the clown porn. You and Skippy started him talking to me again. Where are my pills?
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June 26th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Clowns are funny. Sex is funny. Clown sex is therefore invincibly funny.
Pie-money shot. Instead of a traditional money shot, he goes for a pie to her face. Except it’s not whipped cream in the pie. It’s semen.
Could you work a unicycle into there? That’s be really cool.
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June 26th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Wow, that is almost as disturbing as 3 Stooges slashfic.
Captcha : Protection in…..
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June 26th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Great…now I’m going to have nightmares of Pennywise and the Cirque du Soleil having a gangbang. Thanks Skippy. Thanks.
Captcha= noche spectators. I can only imagine what the hell that could mean (and it’s not good).
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June 26th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
That would make either the funniest porno ever or a porno for someone with a very specific fetish.
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June 26th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I hate clowns, they gave me nightmares as a child. But my goal as an adult is to give them nightmares… and crap like this just gives me nightmares again, shall i never reach my nightmarish goal? What do you bastards have against me?
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Michiel reply on June 26th, 2008 11:33 pm:
At the haunted house, we loved people with clown phobias. Easy scares and lots of you. It was always fun to be a clown because you knew you would be traumatizing several people in a night.
See you in your dreams.
Michiel… in a clown costume.
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Stickfodder reply on June 30th, 2008 9:53 pm:
and me with a shotgun. unless its a nightmare where i would probably have a shotgun that only shoots bubbles.
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June 27th, 2008 at 12:39 am
A hair-pull gag would be good too. The female clown getting it from behind; the male reaches out to grab her rainbow ‘fro to give her the ride of her life and it comes off in his hand while she’s embarrasses trying to cover her bald head.
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June 27th, 2008 at 2:14 am
Wait a minute, you actually managed to watch clown porn without your head exploding? Now THAT is impressive!
Captcha: “motion sisters.” I think that says it all.
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Michiel reply on June 27th, 2008 4:32 am:
No, just the trailer. I think Skippy owns a copy of Clown Porn.
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skippy reply on June 27th, 2008 4:44 am:
That was never proven
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June 28th, 2008 at 5:12 am
Clown funerals: tragically funny
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Skippy of NJ reply on June 30th, 2008 3:36 pm:
agreed. i still miss Blubber the Fat clown. I remember him because his grave has a rainbow marker with a motion detector to honk at anyone who gets to close to him.
captcha taxpayers Ap-
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Stickfodder reply on June 30th, 2008 9:50 pm:
“taxpayers Ap-“? hmm is a good thing or a bad thing to be an Advanced placement Taxpayer?
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Skippy of NJ reply on July 1st, 2008 2:37 pm:
it depends. does it mean getting a tax break or tax evasion?
captcha realize 174
no idea what 174 was but if i realize it i’ll post. :P ;)
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:16 pm
What about the giant shoes? Maybe he’s have a matching giant schlong? Maybe a red ball on the tip of his penis??
Richard Cranium – Giving back to the community~ http://full8me.com
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November 7th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
good thanks for all
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December 23rd, 2008 at 12:58 pm
thanks ….
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April 14th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
How about a money shot with a flag on a stick that sez aquirt instead of bang .
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February 24th, 2011 at 2:49 am
That is disturbing. I cannot believe I read the whole thing. MY EYES!
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