C’thulu Does Not Approve of This Nonsense
Normally I try not to engage in snark-fests with people who leave comments on my site. It doesn’t make me look particularly classy, and it rarely, if ever, solves anything.
But sometimes you get “one of those comments”. One of those ones that are so far out there that it is just begging for me to say something. A comment that just demands my attention, like a hot redhead in a mini-skirt wriggling coquettishly. And like a hot redhead in a mini-skirt, sometimes I just have to go “Man I’d like to get me a piece of that.”
And so I present morrogoth who responded to I’ve Been Wanting To Get This Off Of My Chest with the following:
to ward away evil summoned one must:
1. deny its exsistance, for a god is no more a god if no one believes in him any more
2. takes salt, silvers shavings and amethyst dust and create a circle and reverse that ritual, it will seal the creature again
3. dont believe that 2 con artists were able to translate texts from a people who barely left writings, into a full working spell book, and i know for fact that the rosetta stone has no sumerian text on it.
4. dont believe that 1 of said conmen mysteriously vanished leaving his house for sale to future led zepplin front man, his disappearance leads many to believe he messed with bad stuff, or he got caught in the cookie jar
5. cthulu was created when law and order seemed unbalanced, as many ancient religions. so if i recited fancy unintelligible words i can bring Sprague de Camps Conan the Cimmerian to life to pillage and loot?
or then the sexy red nails or Set?
remember my words
magic has no power over those who not give it power
Rebuttal by skippy
Thank you for you kind and timely words of advice. I do have a few issues with them that I would like to address
1. Deny the summoned evil’s existence.
This is potentially awkward, seeing as you just summoned him and all.
“WHY HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME, O SMALL PINK AND TASTY ONE?”
“I don’t believe in you! Now Piss off!”
Just seems kind of rude to me. Plus I kind of suspect that the Great Lord C’thulu doesn’t particularly care if you believe in him or not. The only thing that belief changes, as far as he is concerned, is your flavor.
I think that non-believers taste like zesty ranch.
2. Salt, silver shavings, and amethyst dust?
Dude, that’s pretty much seasoning for C’thulu. You might as well just soak in a marinade and lightly sprinkle yourself with 11 herbs and spices. You’ll be tentacle-licking good.
3. This whole thing you list seems awfully specific to ward of all evil. What if you summoned something from say, the Aztec pantheon? How is disbelieving in two random dude’s translation of Sumerian going to help you there?
I don’t think that Ahuitzotl even speaks Sumerian.
4. Again, not going to list that nonsense again down here, but I rather doubt that most people here believed that in the first place. Or where aware that it was a possibility.
But if I ever find myself confronted with some form of dark and eldritch being of darkness and evil, I will definitely inform it, in no uncertain terms, that I don’t believe that the future Led Zeppelin front man disappeared as a result of supernatural shenanigans.
Because I bet that shit works like Kryptonite.
5a. I’m pretty sure C’thulu was created when Howard Phillips Lovecraft had some bad hashish.
5b. Summoning Sprague de Camp’s Conan the Cimmerian would be a neat trick. Seeing as how Conan was a Robert E. Howard character and all.
5c. I’m pretty sure that I could probably summon Conan, Red Nails, or Set by reciting fancy unintelligible words. I’m just awesome that way.
I suspect that you, however, would probably be lucky to get two Pokemons and a Snork.
I appreciate the advice, but it is clear to me that you are no higher than a 3rd level pseudo-neo-pagan. Once you get enough XP to level up you’ll gain the new class ability called Joke. I really think if you manage to get that one it will help you out a lot.
I myself am a 9th level Sarcastic Asshole. (Its a 4th Edition Prestige Class)
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June 25th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Oh no way I’m a 5th level sarcastic dick!
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June 25th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Skippy, will you mentor me in the ways of the Sarcastic Asshole? I can’t seem to get past Level 4, even with my new shiny dice.
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June 25th, 2008 at 9:09 am
By the way: What magic is this? I posted at 10:06 pm on June 24. Is your site running on Zulu time?
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June 25th, 2008 at 10:10 am
This verbal beatdown is on the level of that from Field of Dreams when Costner’s wife calls that lady a “fat Nazi cow” who’s too budy burning good books to try reading any. All hail the Old Ones.
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June 25th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Dude……teach me.
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June 25th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Wow. I’m only a level six gallows humor cynic. I bow to your superiority.
Also, If he says to not believe in the deity as the first thing you should do, why even list the rest? If you don’t believe it exists, you wouldn’t need the warding seal.
Oh, and by the way, I found that iron and depleted uranium works better than amethyst dust.
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Larson reply on June 25th, 2008 12:47 pm:
I’ve found that depleted uranium wards off just about any form of darkness or evil
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Stickfodder reply on June 25th, 2008 1:06 pm:
Unfortunately depleted uranium is a little hard to come by these days. Would lead work in it’s place?
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barry reply on June 26th, 2008 12:33 am:
iron works wonders
Skye reply on June 26th, 2008 6:44 am:
I find that most beings are pretty much fearful of 12 gauge shotguns; regardless of religion or immortality. Even if it can’t kill em, it’ll still hurt like hell to get shot.
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June 25th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
“lucky to get two Pokemons”, boy would you be lucky think what you get on ebay for them
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June 25th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Wow. Do you think pagan-wanna-bes speak a different language from the rest of us? I couldn’t even translate half the crap s/he wrote.
You just try that with number one, darling. We’ll give you a nice memorial. I don’t think there’s going to be enough left to bury or burn.
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Minty reply on June 27th, 2008 1:13 am:
I like my Fluffy Bunnies in a stew–how about you?
Captcha: “ex-France.” Ex-France? Was there some other country called France at one point?
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Stickfodder reply on June 27th, 2008 7:27 am:
Yeah Canada
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June 25th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Burn.
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June 25th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Attacking this poor fool, for shame. This person has obviously seen The King in Yellow and now their mind is broken.
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June 26th, 2008 at 12:34 am
these are the people who should be duck taped to the ceiling and their mouth sown shut
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Ix reply on July 5th, 2008 3:58 am:
Or you could duct tape them, and sew their mouth shut. I bet that’d work much better, since duck tape tends to be feathery, and sowing takes a while for the vines to grow and seal their mouth. ;)
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June 26th, 2008 at 4:28 am
Oooh! I figured out the Sumerian reference! He’s referring to “Simon’s Necronomicon”, which had little connection with the Lovecraft Mythos and instead based on Sumerian mythology.
Why do I know this? Because sometimes Wiki is not your friend…
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Craig reply on July 18th, 2008 7:51 am:
From what I’ve read the Simon Necronomicon is full of shit. I got it, its all fake, blah, blah, blah. What I mean is fake on the level of a book saying that vampires turn into fruits and cute things, that mean you not harm.
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June 26th, 2008 at 10:06 am
That was awesome. Also, I read that the Call of Whatever comic that was suggested, and now I’m pissed at the ending. Sheesh.
Haha- my captcha is Oelrichs Thought :P
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June 27th, 2008 at 3:33 am
skippy, just know that we will be eaten first, and morrogoth will be eaten last. *sigh* it’s good.
ia!ia!
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June 27th, 2008 at 4:01 am
thanks but appearently there was a misunderstanding, i was approaching the entire situation as if some dipshit who got their hands on some unspeakable evil text actually summoned him, and the con artists i mentioned were infact lovecraft and Crowley. and above all i said oh supreme sarcastic dick, was that 1. Lovecraft and Crowley both clained to have translated the necronomicon from sumerian texts, when infact there was very little in way of writing left behind. and since the necronomicon does infact speak of bring the cthulu god thing into the world. now the only reason i responded the first time was to get some laughs. because everyone knows that Mecha Jesus and Odin pwn cthulu, even if cthulu had Chrono’s help.
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skippy reply on June 27th, 2008 4:33 am:
HP Lovecraft was a fiction author. He never claimed he to have translated the squat. It was the book was Arabic in his universe.
Crowley is a whole other matter.
And Mecha-Jesus could never beat C’thulu, even if with the help of Odin, Thor, Zeus, The Superfriends, and Captain Planet.
Also Batman could totally take Spiderman.
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SKD reply on June 27th, 2008 5:54 am:
You beat me to the point about H. P. Lovecraft Skippy. I would point out the hilarity of people believing obvious fiction to be gospel theology but I think the Scientologists may be wiretapping my internet communications :P
Captcha “afford lan-” I guess lan- gaming can get pretty expensive
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Stickfodder reply on June 27th, 2008 7:31 am:
Hay I’m the sarcastic dick skippy is a sarcastic asshole
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June 27th, 2008 at 4:03 am
and a point of contention, Sprague de Camp was the first conan author
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skippy reply on June 27th, 2008 4:28 am:
Wrong. Sprague took over the series after Robert E Howard died.
Feel free to show me some documentation if you think that’s incorect
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June 27th, 2008 at 4:11 am
umm to point 2 about aztecs..you could infact go total atheist. simple deny all gods and none should hurt you, jeeze, skippy, im a big fan, but you slipped up, logically, the great flood took out cthulu, the aztec gods etc. so just calm donw and smile cause everyone in my dorm is laughing
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skippy reply on June 27th, 2008 4:34 am:
Well everyone here is laughing too. So everyone wins.
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shikomekidomi reply on July 5th, 2008 8:39 am:
Logically the great flood took out a squid headed alien demi-god who can not only survive underwater but fly through the vacuum of space and whose minions are consistently shown as at home on the floor of the ocean?
Okay.
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June 27th, 2008 at 4:13 am
actually hp lovecraft was a know opium user. now i feel bad like witnessing a huge geek fight over kirk and picard, sorry skippy, next time i wont challenge your fragile beliefs
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skippy reply on June 27th, 2008 4:41 am:
Oh Noes! I may have gotten one wrong! I must go and cry. Big salty bitter tears. I am a broken man now. My wife will leave me, my pets will abandon me, and I shall die penniless and destitute.
Or maybe not. I could go either way.
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June 27th, 2008 at 4:15 am
(if i didnt know this was a spoof i would not have posted at all)
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skippy reply on June 27th, 2008 4:42 am:
Oh come on, maybe I was a bit of a dick, but you have to admit, the snork part was pretty funny.
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June 27th, 2008 at 6:59 am
thats why i love your works skippy. your realistic and funny without cracking a joke
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June 27th, 2008 at 7:01 am
on the robert/sprague thing, i was going by word of mouth, but i just looked it up and did you know robert howard believed conan was areal person?
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paula reply on July 5th, 2008 6:35 pm:
aw c’mon, morrogoth! MUST you keep making things up out of nowhere?!? Robert E. Howard, (born in Texas 1906, blew his brains out with a shotgun in a car parked in his parents front yard 1936, right after his mother died from cancer inside that house) was the sole creator of Conan the Cimmarian, King Kull, Krull the Barbarian, and others. He was the originator of what used to be called ‘sword and sandal’ science fiction. He KNEW damn well that his creations were just that, fictional creations.
Yeah, he was a little odd — an only child who was way too close to his mom, he lived with his parents his whole life (dad was a rural doctor), and wrote these weird stories of which far less than half were published in his lifetime. But he wasn’t COMPLETELY nuts!
Sorry for the rant….. pant pant pant. But it just drives me nuts when people insist they KNOW all about his creations, but all they really know is ‘what they heard’ or what they read from people who have stolen Howard’s characters.
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morrogoth reply on July 6th, 2008 11:51 am:
actually…. Wikipedia has stated this about the “thief” Sprague de Camp:
De Camp was also known for his sword and sorcery, a fantasy genre he was instrumental in reviving through his editorial work on and continuation of Robert E. Howard’s “Conan” cycle.
he did not “steal” anything. even the antichrist wikipedia said it.
Tales of Conan (1955) (with Robert E. Howard) – collection containing the first of de Camp’s “posthumous collaborations” with Howard, marking the beginning of his successful promotion of Howard’s “Conan the Barbarian” character. (wow what grand thievery!)
Conan the Adventurer (1966) (with Robert E. Howard) – first of the paperback printings of the Howard/de Camp “Conan” collaborations, which ensured the success of the character and defined it for a generation.
thanks for proving that i “made” up factual evidence, hell, maybe if i said the everglades was filled with snakes id be lying too?
understand this, “paula”, i actually do research before spout off at the mouth, because id rather not be bitten in the ass by spreading falsities and untruths. So please, before checking in to your local psych ward, i never said i knew EVERYTHING, im just a humble fan, in college, with a tad bit of time on his hands and attempting to write my own original fantasy series. so please dont blow a gasket and calm down.
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skippy reply on July 6th, 2008 12:17 pm:
“Posthumous collaboration” pretty much sounds like a nice way of saying “Stole the story from a dead guy” to me.
I’m just sayin’.
SKD reply on July 7th, 2008 12:27 am:
Actually Skippy I can name at least one famous author off the top of my head who did a posthumous collaboration. That would be Piers Anthony and the book would be “Through the Ice”. A posthumous collaboration is usually a work which was unfinished at the time of the original authors death, as long as the original author is credited and the controlling interests(whoever controls the copyright) agree then I see no problem with it.
Captcha “LAPLANTE late”
skippy reply on July 7th, 2008 2:47 am:
Fair enough I guess. But I still think its a bit gray area, leaning just a bit towards the dark side.
But I guess that’s what most franchises do anyways, so I guess its pretty much the same thing as Batman, or Star Trek.
June 27th, 2008 at 7:05 am
nuh uh, mecha jesus and odin and the entire hall of oh wait, anyone can kill gods (greek and roman myth insert)
the titans tried, and Chronos spat out the greek gods lol, and the joke gets funnier
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Ix reply on July 5th, 2008 4:07 am:
Actually, Chronos *ate* his children, because of a prophecy that he would be usurped by one of them. Their mother swapped Zeus for a rock to save him, and once Zeus was grown up, he went over and cut Chronos’s belly open and freed his siblings.
The Titans had nothing to do with Chronos – if I remember right, they were kissing cousins of the Olympians and felt that they had more right to rule the world than the Olympians did. Plus, I think they were still a touch sore over how Prometheus had been treated.
Also, again assuming I’m remembering this correctly, none of the Greek or Roman gods ever died; you’re thinking of Egyptian mythology, there.
Ancient mythology, I knows it.
(Also, my Captcha: Greene Cavalry.)
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June 27th, 2008 at 7:06 am
actually skippy, i hope you become famous and rich and rule this destitute universe
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Stickfodder reply on June 27th, 2008 7:39 am:
Would you Please learn to use Reply.
Captcha “electric vet” a vet that uses euthanasia for everything
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June 28th, 2008 at 3:00 am
hmmm as a level 7 otaku who is slowly losing ranks due to neglect and a level 3 anthro and rising I may like to point out that though I am on the bottom of the chain of nerdom, even I have the proper sense to realize some of the things you delightfully pointed out which makes me wonder what in the hell was that commentor thinking… just cause you’re a part time athiest it wont save you from the horror of summoning an imaginary god
captcha:”anxious Bryant” it’s what happened when he read too many horror stories and got to h.p. lovecraft and decided maybe I should read an incantation or two… poor kid forgot he was on morphine
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June 30th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
Dude, gotta say – you make my life. I’ve yet to read anything you’ve written that hasn’t made me bust out once or twice (Which, mind you, is generally a bad idea when sitting in a room full of people with more clout than you…who are rather enamored with the idea that you should be giving them your full attention.)
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February 24th, 2011 at 2:23 am
Lucky to get two Pokemon? Okay, then: how about Lugia and Deoxys? Cthulu would be fucked.
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March 15th, 2011 at 11:14 pm
Severus Snape must be at least a level 10 Sarcastic Asshole.
(Kudos to anyone who reads the books and remembers the text in Chamber Of Secrets describing him as “sarcastic”.)
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