Here is a list of bad ideas from a UK co-op grocery store.
(Submitted by Jason Cyrus)
1. Do not let customers hear you pointing out how retarded they are. This will get you reprimanded.
2. Even if they asked where to put the basket while standing 2 feet away from the pile of baskets.
3. Even if the boss agrees with your comments.
4. Do not undo the tops of twist top beer bottles to punish the anti-social alcoholics that enter, with stale beer.
5. Do not stash cash-checking pens in hiding places “Because the morons in the garden centre keep losing them.”
6. Do not threaten to chop shoplifters hands off.
7. Do not threaten to put shoplifters in the freezers.
8. Do not threaten to imprison shoplifters in stock cages.
9. Do not threaten to do both 7 & 8 together.
10. Do not under any circumstances actually do these.
11. Do no get a pack of straws out and yell “Save the booze!” when a cage of alcohol smashes in the back.
12. Do not actively insult company stupidity for making said smashed cage so heavy it fell off the back of the truck because the wheel jammed and tipped it.
13. Do not push a cage so fast it’s liable to kill a small child if you don’t see them.
14. Do not push a loose stock cage so fast it’s liable to kill you.
15. Remember to secure stock appropriately when you try 14 anyway; a case of fast moving soda to the groin is NOT fun.
16. Do not insult managers when they don’t have a clue.
17. Especially in public.
18. Even when they fully agree with you.
19. Even if staff from the last store he worked for comes in and starts the conversation first.
20. Do not publicly mock other customers.
21. Do not go “Ape shit” at a female customer who’s PMSing.
22. Even if she is burying you in cuss words and is a junkie.
23. Even if she deserves it.
24. When held at knife/gun point and asked for the till do not tell them where the safe keys are because you hope management will get stabbed/shot.
25. Even if they’d do the same to you.
26. Do not ignore standard stock rotations just to get the job done quickly.
27. Even if its awesome to find cans/jars/boxes from over a decade ago lurking at the back of shelves.
28. Do not squirrel away alcohol that is rare and has been mis-priced.
29. Do no reduce items more for yourself.
30. Don’t try to convince managers to support this method.
31. Don’t mock managers when they do it themselves when they think you aren’t looking.
32. Don’t blame a recently-left manager (sacked or otherwise) for overly reducing items you get caught with.
33. Don’t turn off the cameras late at night and play “Dive through the displays.” It hurts when full boxes are buried underneath the toilet paper.
34. Don’t encourage disliked managers to show off their strength by lifting things very likely to injure them.
35. Don’t check the disused box bailer in case you can successfully fake an industrial accident with above manager.
36. Do not play trolley racing with long trolley lines and lots of traffic.
37. Don’t make menacing gestures to youngsters who are vandalizing trolleys.
38. Never under any circumstances chase down shop lifters and give them a kicking.
39. If you catch a shop lifter never try to push him into traffic so he can’t get away.
40. Never tell the police your manager is lying to them when he says shop lifters damaged the main doors in the struggle when it was his fat ass.
41. Never tell said manager you did this.
42. Never threaten the previous night kiosk shift with insertion of miniature bottles in orifices for leaving a mess the night before.
43. Never threaten similar violence for other offenses like not turning off the lottery point so you can’t get accurate printouts.
44. Don’t threaten to put that same shift in the disused bailer for not tying up the magazines correctly so they get left and not taken away.
45. Don’t cuss out the magazine supplier for short-stacking you with major selling items.
46. Especially if a nearby colleague is on the phone with them and you can be heard.
47. Don’t publicly mock fellow employees for being so stupid they must have been thrown down a flight of stairs at birth.
48. Even when everyone else agrees and does so as well.
49. Don’t make said stupid employee cry/want to kill themselves even if it will benefit humanity.
50. Don’t mock employees who come into a Sunday shift with really bad hangovers.
51. Do not hide their orange juice/pain killers when this happens just to see how long they last before they ask you for money to get more.
52. Don’t threaten customers who break jars and leave them laying without telling you, with contaminated products if they do it again.
53. Don’t flirt with customers.
54. Even if they are smoking hot and enjoying the attention.
55. Don’t threaten Chavs/neds/hoodies with extreme physical violence for entering your store.
56. Do not attempt to go through with this threat when you catch them shop lifting.
57. Do not go “Off the deep end” at 15 year old girls flirting with you in an annoying way and annoying other customers.
58. Do not encourage customers to “Slap the stupid” out of the above.
59. Do not tell the customers you hope that burning smell is the store burning down.
60. Do not communicate your avid disappointment when its a false alarm.
61. Do not shout “Woohoo” when the store is actually on fire and start taking bets on if it’ll spread.
62. Do not get pissed at second manager for ruining the product display you made to impress the store manager.
63. Do not rig wine bottles to stick to the shelves on your last week at work so they’ll slip and break when you aren’t there.
64. Do not put items through as waste “Because no one buys it and I need more shelf space.”
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