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Archive for November 2nd, 2008

Things Petrol Station Staff Can’t Do:

Sunday, November 2nd, 2008

Submitted by someone who wishes to remain both nameless and employed)

1. Not allowed to swear at customers

2. Not allowed to swear in front of customers

3. If a customer is walking away, it still counts

4. Not allowed to eat in front of customers

5. Not allowed to go on cigarette breaks too often

6. Non-smokers are not allowed frequent breaks to do any of the following: drink alcohol, eat candy, drink coffee, read pornography, kill time, or take any kind of drugs

7. When greeting customers, “How may I help?” is preferred to “Oh gods, another one! Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

8. Especially when the manager is in the queue

9. Not allowed to switch the broadcast system to a station belonging to a rival company

10. Even if they have better music and it’s funny to watch the confused look on customers faces when adverts for someone else’s products come on

11. The broadcast system can’t be used to play CDs, and if it could, we wouldn’t play pirate metal, rock-grass, Pink Floyd or anything that might cause local Christians to boycott the store

12. Saying “Arrrr!” in every conversation is not a good enough justification for pirate metal

13. If it was written by Steven Lynch, I should assume it will never ever be played in store

14. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps just because a customer has a crappy car

15. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps for religious reasons

16. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps because a coworker is on their cigarette break (even though you shouldn’t mix fire and petroleum)

17. Selling fuel which damages the environment does not necessarily make us the “bad guys”

18. Being the “bad guys” doesn’t mean I need a black moustache and an evil laugh

19. Saying the service charge on plastic bags goes towards the staff booze fund doesn’t make it true

20. You can’t commune with any god by resting your head against the microwave

21. The Jack Daniels bottle behind the counter is not “my baby”

22. Nobody I work with has any mafia ties

23. Nobody I work with is protected by the Dark Throne

24. The night shift are not goblins

25. Not allowed to suggest any form of punishment after the night shift’s latest blunder

26. Not allowed to suggest any form of medication to my superiors

27. Not allowed to flirt with customers I find attractive

28. Not allowed to flirt with customers I find moderately attractive

29. Not allowed to flirt with customers, full stop

30. The hot daughter/sister/friend of the person I’m serving still counts as a customer

31. Not allowed to flirt with staff either

32. Not allowed to use innuendos and double meanings on anyone over fifty. (I was bored, and they don’t really listen anyway.)

33. I can’t spend my time on the cash register looking for a specific toy in the Kinder Surprise

34. Secret shoppers are not “the Spanish Inquisition” even if we don’t expect them

35. Staff discount has a maximum limit

36. Staff discount does not apply to fuel, alcohol, or to people who aren’t actually staff

37. Any movie with a title along the lines of “Killer …… From ……” does not need to be discussed, quoted or re-enacted while working

38. Employees should not quote from any of the following: Frankenstein, The Shining, Any of the Hannibal Lecter films, Any of the Alien films, Star Wars, Star Trek, or Starcraft

39. The drop chute that leads to the safe is not the magic Wizards’ cave

40. Calling in sick after the manager saw you at a bar dancing on a table with a tequila bottle in each hand will earn you a disciplinary hearing

41. “I like chilli” Is not an appropriate response to a customer complaint (even if it was about chilli)

42. Wearing someone else’s nametag doesn’t mean it wasn’t my fault

43. “I’m incompetent” is not and never will be an appropriate response to a customer complaint

44. “Everybody does it” is not a valid excuse

45. “Playing the race card” is not something we do when dealing with an irate customer

46. “Customer service” means being polite and helpful to customers and not mentioning any of their (many) failings

47. If I get put on the early shift, I’m not allowed to scream as I walk past the manager’s house at five in the morning on my way to work

48. Especially if it turns out they don’t live there

49. The automatic lock-in system is not to be used on shoplifters

50. Staff are not allowed to show up to work drunk

51. Even if that member of staff is the youngest one there and the others have all set a bad example

52. Singing off-colour songs while stacking shelves is frowned upon

53. Even if key words are replaced with the names of our products

54. If songs are out, it should be assumed that interpretive dance is too

55. When stacking shelves, I should not say “who buys this shit anyway?”

56. I can’t change company policy

57. Obscene nicknames do not need to be used at work

58. The bell used to call for assistance does not invoke a “Pavlovian response” and nobody should drool when they hear it

59. Malfunctioning equipment is not an incitement to panic

60. Falling asleep in cupboards is bad – doubly so if waiting customers can see you

61. A lunch break is the amount of time we are allowed by the company for lunch, not the amount of time it actually takes to eat it

62. “He’s locked in the freezer” is not to be used to explain why staff are not at the cash register

63. Not allowed to lock staff in the freezer

64. Not allowed to give customers large amounts of change in pennies

65. Not allowed to make customers wait while refilling the register with larger denominations of change

66. (related to the above) Not allowed to point out that the last two things I was told contradict each other

67. A police helicopter hovering over the station is not an incitement to panic

68. A police officer requesting to see the station CCTV tapes is not an incitement to panic

69. Nobody wants to hear what medication the doctor put me on this week

70. Puppies are not allowed inside the station

71. We are not allowed to hold a competition to see who can serve the ugliest customer

72. We are not allowed to win said competition by serving the manager

73. We are not allowed to discuss how stupid/ugly/drunk/incompetent our coworkers are in front of customers

74. We are not allowed to voice opinions which conflict with company views or belittle the company while serving customers

75. Cool people, bikers and family members do not have right of way at the pumps

76. If a customer stands at a register that isn’t mine, I should still serve them

77. The Tannoy system is not a toy

78. I don’t have seniority over anyone

79. Meeting a famous person doesn’t automatically grant seniority

80. Growing a beard doesn’t automatically grant seniority

81. No one working at our station has a title, and if they did, it wouldn’t automatically grant seniority

82. Co workers who come from another station are not “temps” and I don’t have seniority over them, either

83. None of the coffee machines are trying to kill me

84. Mixing coffee with disinfectant – even accidentally – is wrong

85. Getting cocktail recommendations from customers is not an efficient use of company time