Things You Should Not Do In Corporate Security
It’s Monday, and here’s your list update. Treat it nice because if you break it, you won’t get another until next week.
(Submitted by Scalexd)
-Not allowed to title my Medical Incident Reports “Stairs = Mass Pwnage”.
-Not allowed to title myself “Lead Security Officer”, “The Security Coordinator”, “The Security Administrator”, or “Security Agent” in a effort to sign more important, even if I rightfully deserve the title (my title is “Security Specialist”).
-Weekday Morning Shift Squad is not 1337.
-No weapons are to be carried on duty, including blow up dolls.
-Not allowed to challenge my Two-time-Iraq-vet Partner to Bourne-Style hand-to-hand combat in a effort to settle a dispute: I will lose.
-Not allowed to drink “Espresso injected with material to give it a extra solid boost” ever again.
-The aforementioned drink does not throw me forward in time.
-Nor does it help me predict the future.
-My call sign over the radio is “A-Six-Five”, not “McLovin”.
-The “Specialist Creed” of the Army, made famous by the Internet, does not apply to me.
-Not allowed to wear my “UR MOM” necklace under my shirt, even if it is a lucky charm that saved me from death.
-Even if I do consider it of religious value.
-Even if I do threaten to call the ACLU.
-Not allowed to tow the CEO’s car.
-That “off-white beater VW bug looking thing” in the CEO’s parking space is not what I think it is.
-Do not put “DO NOT PARK HERE” signs on that car.
-In fact, its not a “off-white beater VW bug”, its actually a RARE classic 1950s-model Porsche and its worth more than the lives of this entire squad combined!
-Not allowed to take my Acura RSX and challenge the CEO to a street race on the day he brought his Ferrari to work.
-Not allowed to tow the expensive cars of “high-up corporate douche bags” I do not like.
-Just because the Nursing Mothers are starting a support group, does not mean I get to start a support group for guys discuss things like “that rash in between my thigh” and “that night at the club…”.
-That dirty white women’s thong we found in the lobby outside the company cafe is NOT mine, I swear!
-Not allowed to not write an incident report regarding the missing chair of a SVPs assistant.
-Even if we did find it.
-Even if virtually EVERYONE IN THE COMPANY HAS THE EXACT SAME make, model, type and is adjustable…
-Not allowed to mention “sexual misconduct” in the incident report of a investigation regarding over half-million dollars in stolen property..
-There is no secret covert war between my dispatchers in another state and day shift.
-Even if they are incompetent 95% of the time and act like they know everything.
-Not allowed to make redneck jokes to the dispatchers, even if they are from a “hick” state (I was born in VA and raised in the Carolina’s so I can make hick jokes)
-Not allowed to talk in New Jersey accents to the Dispatchers to sound tough (“Get outta here!”).
-Not allowed to talk in Spanish to the dispatchers: they don’t know what you’re saying.
-Not allowed to talk in Redneck accents to the dispatchers.
-Or to the visiting engineer from our India office. (They don’t know the concept of rednecks).
-Not allowed to make the sounds of a Mack truck backing up (beep beep beep) even if the badging clerk’s love handles are hanging out from her shirt for all to see.
-Not allowed to watch porn on the flat screen plasma TV display screens.
-Not allowed to watch South Park when the day is slow (in honor of Skippy).
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November 24th, 2008 at 2:20 am
i think i frightened my landlord by laughing too loud reading this at 4AM.
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November 24th, 2008 at 6:14 am
I worked as a Security Technician (sat in an office, programming locks, alarms, etc.) Some of our security guards were legendary.
The chap who guarded our crumbling, concrete multistorey filed a report about a guy speeding in the car park. It included this absolute gem:
“On reflection, I probably shouldn’t have called him a twat. But he shouldn’t have been driving like one.”
captcha: out McFate – Ha! MacDonald’s has run out of karma.
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Agent Alex reply on December 1st, 2008 7:52 am:
That’s pretty much what I do. My training and duties are much further than the regular “Guards”
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November 24th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Haha my mum works for the police department in the area where I live (receptionist). I’ll see if she can get me a list of things the cops have done that they’re no longer allowed to do.
-SpaZzy-
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November 24th, 2008 at 11:03 am
This is extra hysterical, because I AM the Lead Security Officer. lol And because my boss ROCKS, I have a list of cool things I AM allowed to do! I’m not, however, allowed to say “okie dokie” on the radio or do anything crafty (knitting, quilting, etc)when the sun is up. I am allowed to give parking and speeding tickets to anyone I want (legitimately)- and if they move their car before I get the ticket on it, my boss lets me interoffice it to them. ;)
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November 28th, 2008 at 2:53 am
Not EVER allowed to sing along to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin” in a high pitched voice EVER again when I am in the CIC, TOC, Shop or especially when my Can buddy is trying to sleep. You will be reprimanded or have your ass kicked. Our corporate theft prevention officer at Home Depot should have read this list.
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December 1st, 2008 at 7:55 am
Who wants to hear the story about the white thong we found?
-SCAlexD
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Ben reply on December 4th, 2008 5:06 pm:
Clearly you are dying to tell the story, and luckily I am dying to hear it so may I be the first to say:
ME ME ME?
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SCAlexD reply on December 8th, 2008 11:25 am:
Ok. So one day I’m walking from the cafe to the main corporate HQ Reception Desk. This is basicly a hallway that acts as the bridge between the main desk and the Cafe Center. Think of Cafe as “point A” and the main lobby as “B”.
A————–B
So as I am walking, a cute asian girl employee comes through the lobby doors heading towards me. She stops and cants her head to the side.
“What is that?” she asked.
“Whats what?” I say as I stop and look behind me. Not seeing anything I turn and look back at her.
“Is THAT what I think it is? That thing by your feet…”
I look down and there on the floor is a white dirty nasty crusty probably-diseased piece of women’s thong underwear.
“I think so…I’m going to call Janitorial”
So I bust out my handy dandy piece of crap Security Cell Phone and call the janitor: he doesn’t answer.
SHIT!
Its now about the time when employees are filing in usually to get breakfast. CEOs, VPs, Investors, Clients, Contractors and employees pass through this hall CONSTANTLY. This was not good timing.
I RUN to the Reception Desk and ask “Linda” the Receptionist.
“Hey have you seen the janitor?”
“no”
“Dangit! If you see him tell him to get to the cafe hallway NOW and meet me there.”
I then go back to the hallway. I figure since I REFUSE to touch it and dont have anything to remove itwith the best I can do is direct people away from it and inform them janitorial has been informed and they are on their way.
During a break inbetween rushes, a young company sales rep in his 30s enters. He sees me and what I am “guarding” and he laughs.
“Wow.” he says.
“I know. Janitorial is on their way”
“No worries.” he says as he then PROCEEDS TO START soccer kicking it around in the hallway!
After a quick dribble or two, off he goes to the cafe.
At this stage in time, I’m thinking “CRAP this is not good”
At this time a crowd comes in. This time it is lead by my nemesis, a lady I like to call “The Militant Black Lady”. Now, I am not racist, one of my best friends is black(WE MISS YOU JASON!). BUt this lady has sort of the Jesse Jackson on Crack mentality and she hates SEC DIV and she DEFINETLY hates me(The reason why is another story).
My phone rings: Its the janitor! Thank God! I answer.
“Get to the cafe hall ASAP we need you to remove some…Hazerdous Material…”
I say as I notice Militant Lady is eye balling me. “Yes!” she said. “Do so NOW! That’s GROSS!” as if I DID IT!
I hang up the phone as she enters the cafe. While sitting there wondering how else this could go wrong, the Janitor arrives with some metal tongs and removes it, tossing it to the dumpster.
“This is the first time I have ever had anything like that happen…” I said.
“Not for me. I find these maybe 4 times a month!”
Say wha?
Now, this is CORPORATE HQ for a company. Not just ANY COMPANY, a GLOBAL company. Alot of people use the company’s product daily.
You’d think people have more class in this enviroment, apparently not. To this day I couldn’t help but think either this was a mistake or this was totally premeditated.
Naturally we never caught who did it and I have never dealt with that sort of thing ever again.
Til next time.
Alex, out.
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December 14th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
What kind of blow-up dolls are those if they qualify as weapons?
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SCAlexD reply on December 16th, 2008 8:21 am:
When I was a rookie in training at the age of 24 I was going through Orientation by a HR Rep.
” does not allow the carry of ANY WEAPON while on duty”
“So I can’t carry my S&W Homeland Security Knife?”
“No”
“My leatherman?”
“No”
“What about my RSX Keys? They are switch blade…”
“Not if you are going to use them as a weapon”
“Blow up dolls?” Damn brain-mouth filter!
The whole class errupted into laughter.
Thank GOD the HR Rep was a cool hot girl in her late 20s. She just smiled and shook her head. “No”
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