A Comprehensive Analysis of Sailor Scouts
Skippy’s Warning: This one goes far, even for me. While that warning sinks in, bear in mind that in the past year I have made light of lesbian koalas, forced clown cannibalism, and pterodactyl porn without flinching.
Often within the realm of intellectual discourse, scholars stumble upon a question or a problem unto which no unanimous solution can be afforded. This is usually the case with matters that are seemingly limited to our own subjectivity – our tastes, preferences, desires – allowing us only to “agree to disagree”. And this is generally understandable; after all, while you and I may enjoy pepperoni on our pizza, there is no objective measure by which we can rationally argue it as the best topping.
But there is one debate that I believe is not limited to subjectivity and which has a clear, unquestionable, objective solution, and that is the question of which Sailor Scout is the most fuckable.
Before we can even pursue a definitive answer to this question, we must define our criteria for “fuckability”. “Fuckability” is not merely one’s physical ability to be fucked – as in, a dog is fuckable because it has a penetrable orifice but a slab or marble is not because it does not – but also the degree to which one could be fucked under normal conditions.
Normal conditions are as follows: we, the fucker, are a heterosexual male with typical heterosexual male tendencies. That is, our tastes and habits do not deviate from the typical societal norm. For this reason we can eliminate Chibi Moon from discussion because she is prepubescent and thus not “fuckable”. The same applies to Chibi Chibi, who is both a child and some sort of abstract corporeal entity, neither of which we would normally fuck. Moreover, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune are lesbians in a committed relationship, so it is doubtful that they too would be fuckable under these conditions. Granted, many scholars theorize most lesbians are just faking and can be broken of their man-hating habits by a variety of simple procedures, most common of which is the standard “deep dicking”, however such matters are still heavily debated. Besides, having to break a woman of her lesbian tendencies merely adds to our wooing workload, and thus decreases fuckability. For simplicity’s sake, Uranus and Neptune will be classified as “Not Fuckable” as opposed to “Ultra Low Tier”.
I doubt most scholars would object to Sailor Mercury and Sailor Moon herself being assigned to our “Low Tier” of fuckability. Sailor Mercury is rarely portrayed as anything more than a frigid scholar, completely absorbed in her school work, possessing few other hobbies or special interests. Yes, you could fuck her if you so desired, but it would be entirely passionless and sterile, like fucking a pig’s fresh carcass–warm, yes, but hardly mobile or responsive. Additionally, her constant intellectual banter would prove tiresome and would create too difficult an environment for any sane man to sustain an erection. The same is not true of Sailor Moon, who is obviously far less frigid and far easier to interact with, plus her kisses taste like bubblegum, which is also a plus. But then why assign her to the low tier? First of all, she is in a committed relationship with Tuxedo Mask; granted, as an adversary he’d hardly be threatening, what with his limp-wristed rose throwing and scrawny build–easily dealt with by a simple shotgun to the face–but being faced with any sort of competitor merely adds to the time and effort necessary to bed a woman. Second, Sailor Moon has a daughter from the future who is not only irritating as all hell but who would also serve to complicate the relationship. We would be obligated to frequently deliver the all too infamous “I’m not your fucking dad” speech and her presence would consistently serve to derail all sexual tension. Why settle for Sailor Moon when there so many other Sailor Scouts who have no such baggage?
Sailor Pluto and Sailor Saturn are among the least developed characters throughout the entire run of the animated series. Other than their looks, which are comparable to that of their other scouts, there is really no criteria by which they can be judged. Obviously, Sailor Saturn is not fuckable in baby form, ala the beginning of Sailor Stars but I must concede that Sailor Saturn under the possession of Mistress 9 would actually be quite the terrifically viscous fuck, with biting and scratching, among other acts of kinky fun. “She definitely looks like she knows how to take a dick,” a colleague argued. However, the fact that she is evil, and the ephemeral nature of the whole possession, still would keep her from being included in the “Top Tier”. And, on a purely technical note, Mistress 9 possession is not default Sailor Saturn, so its relevance to this discussion is questionable. All in all, there is no obvious reason to assume anyone would have a particularly difficult or easy time fucking either of these two, nor anything to imply it wouldn’t be good. Therefore we must default them to “Mid Tier”.
This only leaves us with Sailor Venus, Sailor Mars, and Sailor Jupiter for our high tier. We can justify their presence by first asserting there are no particular limitations in pursuing them; they are heterosexual, they are not in committed relationships, and they have been known to fawn over men. Next, we can see that they each have their own particular positive qualities; for instance, Sailor Venus is the Sailor Scout of love, therefore it is not unreasonable to assume she would be particularly affectionate and amorous, the kind of woman you “make love” to, not just merely fuck. Sailor Mars is a Shinto priestess and has the ability to exorcise demons, which I know would benefit me personally in many ways, and has, appropriately enough, a rather fiery personality. Whereas Venus would fuck with passion, Mars would fuck with fervor, as if she were trying to break your very manhood from your body. Thus we would be foolish to deny them spots in the “Top Tier”.
< But what of Sailor Jupiter? Surely we did not forget her? Of course not, as we have asserted upon initiating this discussion, there can be only one objective answer to who is the most fuckable Sailor Scout. Our eliminative process has restricted our final candidates to Mars, Venus, and Jupiter, and the exclusion of Jupiter from the "Top Tier" can only mean I believe her to be the most fuckable. But how can I defend this claim? Jupiter obviously fulfills the same difficulty requirements as the other two, but it is her unique characteristics that allow her to outshine them. Of all the scouts she is considered the best cook, and while snuggling and exorcising demons have their benefits, neither is as consistently useful as cooking ability. On average, we eat three times a day, seven days a week; how often do we need a good snuggle? How often do we need a demon exorcised? Next, Jupiter is the physically largest Sailor Scout. Not only is she simply the tallest, but her thighs and posterior are the most muscular, allowing her to crush you like some sort of wildly erotic sex vice. Being the most physically powerful you know you could engage her in wild and viscous acts of animalistic fucking. And when she finishes bruising the living hell out of your manhood, she can make you a milkshake or some fudge cake. Being the biggest tomboy of the group, after having sex and eating, and then having more sex, you could snuggle up on the couch and play LittleBigPlanet with her.
Using clear, objective, scientific examination skills, we have found a solution to a problem most scholars would have incorrectly labeled as “subjective”. Remember, readers, all things can be explored through the rational means I have demonstrated today.
Polkster has a web-comic called Polkout.com , which he would like you to visit.
Follow
November 26th, 2008 at 12:23 am
And finally an occasion to show off my mad anime geek skills and it’s for this. *sigh*
I have to completely disagree on the noninclusive of Uranus and Neptune from this list. I completely concede the point that these two are lesbians in a committed relationship. BUT… as this is a list of fuckability, I suggest that they be counted just as they are females and are senshi. Hypothetically speaking of course, if they were heterosexual I would have put them on the top tier of this list.
Uranus is a very ‘take charge’ kind of woman, both in her personal life and her “professional” life as evidenced in the S series and Sailor Stars. If you were interested in being dominated, I do believe that she would be your scout. I see Neptune being similarly dominant but in a much more quiet manner. As her brilliance would suggest, she would be able to use her words to lure men in. She may let you be on top but she’d still be in control sort of thing.
Anyways, that is just my input on the subject. Other than that, I do agree with your choices for the most part. I think that Jupiter would have to be moved to mid tier but Mars and Venus being top tier are excellent choices and well rationalized.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 1:01 am
To quote Steve Buscemi: “Define irony.”
Someone talking about the fuckability of fictional characters, the discussion of which would forever preclude them themselves from being fuckable to the majority of society at large.
May I suggest a title for a book you could authoritatively write?
“So You Want to Be Celibate”.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 2:10 am
I’ve already read this on polkout.com and I was expecting this, but what I didn’t expect was that Skippy would think that this is going a little too far even for him.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 4:35 am
*curls up in a corner rocking back and forth*
My favorite show…perverted…
That being said, I’d hit all of them. Excluding of course, the kid Chibi Moon and Chibi Chibi. Other than the fact that they’re kids, as much as I loved that show I wanted to brain them both for being annoying.
Reply
Dave in NC reply on November 26th, 2008 7:45 am:
“as much as I loved that show I wanted to brain them both for being annoying.”
Ah yes, the “Scrappy Doo” category of cartoon characters.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 6:22 am
Over my fifteen years of study into researching the field of fuckability, my own findings have to support your own due to the sheer number of Sailor Jupiter images in comparison to all the others.
At least in my ‘research library.’
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 6:30 am
I can’t believe I read that whole thing. I’ve never even seen that show.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 6:36 am
Geeze, how long has it been since I’ve read/written porn of this show? You’re lucky you used “scouts” instead of “senshi” or this could go on forever. (Starlights, anyone? Future forms? PAST forms, in which case all of them gain a lot from being royalty.)
That being said, I agree with Roxanne. I’d hit them all except the kids, and even then Wicked Lady and Sailor Cosmos (whom you didn’t mention!) are definitely tappable. (Are we arguing manga or anime, because in reference to ChibiChibi at least, that makes a gigantic difference.)
I’d forgotten how much having fifty translations for all forms of media in a series sucked. Huh.
Anyways! I have to disagree with you on Makoto’s top spot. You excluded Usagi, Michiru and Haruka at least in part because they’re in committed relationships. It’s been repeatedly shown that Makoto still holds a flame for her ex, which I would argue would be more difficult to handle than a currently active relationship. It would also suggest that she’s the clingy type. You’d have to pry her off after fucking her, and gods help you if you find someone hotter or piss her off, because she can and will kick your ass. (Rei has the same problem.)
Minako is definitely the obvious choice. In addition to the Love Me Chain (kinky!), she also brings the benefits of being needy but not clingy. You can order out food, but easy no-commitment sex is a lot more expensive. Add in that she’s the Sailor of Love who has definitely shown bisexual tendencies and you might even score a threesome with one of her slightly-less fuckable friends. How can you possible lose here?
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 7:06 am
…what has been seen cannot be unseen.
And I have just seen a) A scientific analysis (or at least as close to it as you can get of the fuckability of fictional animated characters. I don’t know if that or b) the subsequent debate has been more…disturbing is far too strong a word because hey, whatever floats your boat. But even so, I’m only left with this contribution to the discussion:
I wouldn’t fuck any of them. They have HUGE eyes which would just creep me out, and unless you get them really pissed or yelling in general their mouths are so small my pinky would barely make it in…if you were to kiss them you’d be eating their face. And those chins would put out your eye. And what if their powers go off when you make them climax? I dunno about you guys, but I don’t need any mars fire being blasted into my chest. That probably hurts/leaves scar tissue.
That being said, in all fairness you did break it down fairly reasonably. Your criteria seemed pretty solid, and I’m not even going to consider doing enough research to rebuke it. Well done.
p.s. Real women > anime. Always. Barring notable exceptions as can be supplied by the internet.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on November 26th, 2008 12:00 pm:
“p.s. Real women > anime. Always. Barring notable exceptions as can be supplied by the internet.”
Keep in mind that in Japan there was a Live action version.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pretty_Guardian_Sailor_Moon
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 7:36 am
Wow. I’ve never seen the show, but I can’t argue with most of the logic. However, for the scholar one, Mercury, you cited talking during sex as a problem. You have completly forgotten about the wide variety of gags availible, both profesionaly made and improvised. But, in final analysis, if one were to assume these people were real, I vote Brunette Tomboy who can cook. Now, what the hell is this show actually about? Is this some sort of anime porn or did you just turn the Japanese version of Barney dirty? If so, kudos.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on November 26th, 2008 12:02 pm:
“Is this some sort of anime porn or did you just turn the Japanese version of Barney dirty?”
Little bit of column A.
Little bit of column B.
Reply
Stonewolf reply on November 27th, 2008 11:21 am:
Ah, I see. I saw a bunch of anime in college since my buddies were really into it. Even the “kiddie” shows seemed suggestive, to put it mildly. The shows were very entertaining, although I usually had no idea what they were about. I do remember one with a hot redhead, big guns, and what I think was a T44 Russian Tank. So are the Japanese just pervy in general? I have heard rather interesting things about schoolgirl panties and vending machines.
Reply
mew_at_heart reply on November 28th, 2008 8:14 pm:
I think Japanese culture *is* a bit more pervy than most of American culture. I’ve heard about the vending machines that dispense girls’ used panties. I’ve also heard – from my teacher in Japanese class – that subway cars and public parks in Japan have “beware of perverts” warning signs. I once saw a picture of one of those signs, complete with a little warning-sign-silhouette man trying to lift the skirt of a little warning-sign-silhouette woman.
Also, these people invented tentacle porn in the early 19th century, decades before Commodore Matthew Perry forced feudal Japan to start trading with the West. Just search “The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife” on Wikipedia.
Skillfulist reply on April 21st, 2009 6:20 pm:
The show with the Red Head and Tank is called Those who hunt elves, a perverted anime but one of my top faves
November 26th, 2008 at 8:08 am
lol, starfish tricks = “Yes, you could fuck her if you so desired, but it would be entirely passionless and sterile, like fucking a pig’s fresh carcass–warm, yes, but hardly mobile or responsive.”
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 8:18 am
I think the author has confused “fuckability” with “masterbationability”. ‘Nuff said.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on November 26th, 2008 12:04 pm:
The whole “fuckability” is based around the “if they were real” concept.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Polkster, my misguided friend, here in England we have a word (several actually,) for people who fantasise about japanamation chicks. Under normal circumstances I’d be fairly worried and probably break out the flaming torches, but this was pretty funny, so I will now ask the only logical question: Would you like your little padded room to include our breakfast service?
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 10:40 am
the hell?
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 11:22 am
Wowzers, earned me a disclaimer! Awesome!
Reply
Stickfodder reply on November 26th, 2008 12:06 pm:
Yeah I don’t think anybody else has ever gotten that before. Congratulations!
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 11:28 am
While I admit that I find this entire discussion somewhat disturbing on the best of days, thank you for your conclusive evidence that, in fact, that scientific method applies to everything.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
My name is Lord Enigma, and I approve this message.
Jupiter ftw.
Hilarious analysis, btw.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
If you like it, check out my site!
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
OK…. I’ve never seen the show, and now I never do want to. I’d spend so much time trying to figure out which I do first that the entire premise would be lost to me.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Wow. Just…wow.
I’ve watched the entire series, and have to admit I did occasionally wonder about the various Scouts abilities and whatnot behind closed doors. I pretty much agree with this analysis, but two questions
1) Mistress 9/Sailor Pluto (?) was evil??
2) Did you decide to not include those three singing Scouts – I can’t for the life of me recall their names – due to the fact they were guys/girls?? Because, as hetero as I am – they were hot as chicks and dudes.
Otherwise, thank you for showing that you can analyze ANYTHING in a scientific yet humours way – regardless of how possible it is in real life. (Yeah, I read the comments about people saying it’s pathetic to do this over fictional characters. Oh please, have some fun!! Yeesh…)
Actually, in thinking a little more – do you not remember that Mercury secretly liked Pop Music and did have crushes at some points? (This shows a secret side of her.) As a fellow scholar, I’d like to just casually mention that it’s the quiet, intelligent ones that will surprise you the most! ;-P
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
You can surprise me any day ;)
Reply
Stickfodder reply on November 26th, 2008 4:49 pm:
Yeah Polkster you keep messing up your website address in your comments. It was kind of funny at first, but now it’s kind of annoying.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Total accident:
http://www.PolkOut.com
Reply
Stickfodder reply on November 26th, 2008 5:00 pm:
No. When you type in a reply, above what you are writing is 3 areas that you put information. Your Name, Your e-mail address, and your website. You have your website messed up. When I click on it it goes to http://www.skippy.com you are supposed to put your own website there so when people click on your name they go to your site.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
I’m aware; I thought I had but it turns out I didn’t.
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
This is mildly disturbing. Not in the fact that they’re Anime characters, I’d bang Dante from Devil May Cry in a heartbeat, but the fact that these are supposed to be 14-16 year old girls it what really bother me.
Reply
Polkster reply on November 26th, 2008 6:37 pm:
MATURITY IS NOT A NUMBER.
Reply
Lauren reply on November 26th, 2008 6:39 pm:
lol. point taken.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on November 26th, 2008 7:28 pm:
YOU’RE SICK! YOU’RE A FUCKING PERVERT
Reply
Polkster reply on November 26th, 2008 10:42 pm:
:(
November 26th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Hm… I had always thought that Mars was taller… must be the heels. :)
“Gotta get in tune with sailor moon
Cause that cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing”
Barenaked Ladies ftw!
captcha: 100 privates
Reply
Nope reply on February 13th, 2014 9:03 pm:
Sailor Mars is quite short, actually.
http://www.sailorenergy.net/HowToDraw/HOWTODiagramHeights.html
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
I…uh…wtf are Star Scouts? Need more beer…ASAP!
Reply
November 27th, 2008 at 4:03 am
I was reading this at work and the bosses boss waslked past my station and did a double take at “Low teir fuckablilty”
I thought “oh god i’m fucked”
As he came over I had pictures in my mind of being asked to leave.
He just pointed and said “Sailor would be higher than that”
Reply
November 27th, 2008 at 6:54 am
heh i’ve never watched the show. but on a slightly unrelated note i will confess that some of the cosplayers i’ve seen dressed us as them at some conventions i’ve been tp i would seriously bang them.
Reply
November 27th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
I really hope you mean Jupiter would be a vicious fuck and not a viscous (gooey, like molasses) fuck….
Reply
November 27th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
As further proof that I will die a virgin, I’ve got to disagree with your placement of Sailor Mars, largely do to the fact that she lives with her perverted midget grandpa. That’s three problems in one:
1) In Japan, shrunken old people WILL kick your ass, and will constantly find reasons to do so. Watch Ranma 1/2 if you don’t believe me.
2) Your fiery lovemaking sessions will constantly be interrupted by the old pervert trying to listen from the hallway- or worse, snap pictures when he thinks you’re distracted.
3) As Gaijin smash has taught me, if you’re a foreigner in Japan and you’re dating/banging/marrying a Japanese woman, her family will start demanding you get her pregnant at the first opportunity. This includes said freaky grandpa, who will probably combine reasons 1 and 2 by attempting to kung-fu jab your pressure points to increase virility mid-coitus.
This, combined with the fact that she’s in a semi-dedicated relationship (with another priest-in-training) and could set you on fire during an argument, bumps her to the mid-tier at least, leaving Venus and Jupiter as top-tier fuckables… which is as it should be.
Reply
November 30th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
I have to disagree on Sailor Mercury. You have to remember, those geeky girls who you think are so reserved… When you get them in the bedroom, they’re some of the kinkiest creatures alive! I’d place her as at LEAST mid tier. Then again, I’m biased, I always thought she was the most fuckable.
Reply
June 30th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I found skippyslist.com very informative. The article is professionally written and I feel like the author knows the subject very well. skippyslist.com keep it that way.
Reply