Fa la lala lala
I just got Boomerang, the classic cartoons channel, and it’s sweet. It’s been so long since I’ve watched the Herculoids or Johnny Quest–the only thing the channel needs is more hardcore 80’s/early 90’s shows, like the Centurions and Pirates of Dark Water and Reboot.
Which brings me to my next point: the Smurfs. Oh man, I was watching the Smurfs–sober no less–and in some intense moment of clarity–like God was massaging my brain or something–I had this weird insight into Smurf sociology and biology. You know what it was? It was the presence of Sassette, the only other female Smurf that sparked this intense revelation. Ignoring Smurfette, because she was artificially implanted into Smurf society by Gargamel, Sassette is the only naturally occurring female Smurf. But that leads to a host of problems in terms of Smurf reproduction, right? How the hell do Smurfs reproduce? One female and all these males?
Well I’ve come up with a pretty adequate theory, I call it the Thunderdome Hypothesis. Once the lone female Smurf reaches sexual maturity all of the male Smurfs–save for the gay ones, like Vanity Smurf–enter a battle royale. All Smurfs enter, one Smurf leaves. And that champion Smurf, who is considered fittest of all Smurfs, is crowned Papa Smurf and must wear a red uniform, marking his status as leader as well as metaphorically symbolizing the blood of his brothers that stains his very soul. That Smurf then breeds, and the female repopulates the village until she births a female, after which she shrivels up and dies.
That Papa Smurf, or the Alpha Smurf, as I call him, proceeds to rule over the village until the next Smurf battle. Then he surrenders his uniform to the next Alpha, and steps down, taking a simple advisory rule until his death–like Grandpa Smurf. Also, Smurfs live hundreds of years–as referenced by Farmer Smurf in that episode where Smurfette was searching for a blue rose–so this event is relatively rare.
So then I started thinking, what impact will Smurfette’s presence have on the stability of the Smurf village and social hierarchy? You can’t have two Alphas; that would lead to an imbalanced hierarchy and the depletion of resources due to overpopulation. So I imagine Papa Smurf must have issued some sort of decree where no Smurf is permitted to have any sort of sexual relations with Smurfette; her presence will be tolerated, for the Smurfs are a peaceful people, but she will not be considered a reproductive female.
You know what would be a f!cking amazing Smurf story arc? So Smurfette has an affair, or is raped, or whatever, and becomes impregnated. Papa Smurf, realizing what sort of hell might be unleashed upon the Smurf order, announces that Smurfette and her unborn child must be killed–the first Smurf execution in history–to the shock of all Smurfs. He places his hand on her torso and exclaims, “Within this wretched womb gestates an impure soul. It must die, for it descends from an unclean magic. Its birth shall destroy us all.” Some Smurfs understand, while others–especially Rapist Smurf–are outraged. An uprising ensues where the village is divided in two.
The Smurf is born, but it’s not blue, no, some unsmurfly color, bearing the mark of its own damnation. An omen, feels Papa Smurf, who starts pressing ever harder for the death of it and its mother. Under the cover of nightfall, Smurfette and her followers flee, and establish a second village.
Village 2, under the military leadership of Brainy Smurf, launches a preemptive offensive on Village 1, attempting to assassinate Papa Smurf after it’s discovered that Papa Smurf is organizing death squads to slaughter Village 2 for their insubordination. “There can be only one Alpha!” He shouts and beats his fist as Grandpa Smurf rubs his shoulders and tries to calm him down.
The assassination is botched by some sort of series of hilarious hijinks, and an all out war ensues. Smurfs are being slaughtered left and right, it’s bloody, horrific, a war to end all Smurf wars. Finally, as Village 1 is set ablaze by Arsonist Smurf, Papa Smurf pleads to Mother Nature for aid–who’s forced to balance the knowledge that this bloody mess was started by Papa Smurf’s own hubris, while Smurfette and her progeny are corrupted creatures, unnatural, tainted–she strikes the earth before the invading Village 2 army, dividing the land in two and sinking the second village into the sea.
Smurfette watches on, alone, atop some high perch as the new village sinks; Smurf soldiers are clasping the rocks of the eroding soil, some falling hundreds of feet into the sea. She turns to the original Smurf village, watching it burn, her vision blurred by tears. Suddenly, she’s short of breath, choking, falling to the ground and grasping her throat. Meanwhile, the fallen Smurfs, tumbling under the force of the ocean currents, open their eyes and begin gasping for air. Their blue color fades and they begin sprouting tubes from their heads: Mother Nature’s greatest act of mercy. And thus the Snorks are born.
I need friends.
Polkster has a web-comic called Polkout.com , which he would like you to visit.
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November 18th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
FU.KING AWESOME!!
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November 18th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Epic.
Its the next Braveheart.
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November 19th, 2008 at 12:01 am
I love this guy you should visit his site he has a rant with every comic some aren’t that good but if yo go through all of them you’ll find other awesome ones like this, and including this.
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November 19th, 2008 at 12:01 am
Wow. Just…Wow.
captcha: Rachel and. And what? WHAT?
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November 19th, 2008 at 3:52 am
What the hell just happened?
I was expecting a very different ending.
Captcha: Early warehouse, I guess it gets the worm.
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November 19th, 2008 at 5:25 am
Wow. Umm… wow. OK. Wow. Just wow.
Can I play the part of arsonist smurf?
Captcha: Sheep rate – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ZZZZZZZZZZZ
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November 19th, 2008 at 5:41 am
Best. Ending. Ever.
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November 19th, 2008 at 6:08 am
This must be made! The world must see!
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November 19th, 2008 at 6:41 am
D: I’m not sure if that is the most awesome or most horrible thing ever.
I prefer the Nac Mac Feegle.
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Minty reply on November 19th, 2008 12:03 pm:
There can only be one thousand!
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tsukinofaerii reply on November 19th, 2008 12:59 pm:
Nae king! Nae quin! Nae laird! Nae master! We willna be fooled again!
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Anonymous and STILL Employed reply on November 19th, 2008 1:35 pm:
You take the high road an’ I’ll take yer wallet!
Stick it up yer trakkans!
Minty reply on November 19th, 2008 5:27 pm:
“Drinkin’, fightin’ and stealin’ cows is what they like best. . .I’d rather have ’em in here pissin’ out than outside pissin’ in. There’s more of them and they’ll make your ankles all wet.”
November 19th, 2008 at 6:47 am
My childhood just got 100% better.
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November 19th, 2008 at 7:50 am
And this is why movies like Killer Klowns from outer space should be encouraged, that way madness develops earlier, before people get obsessed with a cartoon. By the way, I want to be “Nuke Smurf”
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November 19th, 2008 at 8:12 am
I ended up writing a short story about the battle royale and Papa Smurf’s ascension. I’m seriously contemplating turning it into a mini graphic novel but my artist friend is a lazy sack of balls.
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November 19th, 2008 at 8:18 am
You honest expect us to believe you were SOBER? The story about the Smurfs I’ll accept, but you SOBER. That’s too far fetched.
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November 19th, 2008 at 8:28 am
Sometimes I get to thinkin’ about things and… the voices never stop.
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November 19th, 2008 at 8:29 am
Is the thing about them tranforming into the snorks a reference to the Warcraft War of the Ancients Trilogy? Cause thats pretty much what happened in the end.
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November 19th, 2008 at 8:31 am
I have no idea what Warcraft War of the Ancient Trilogy is… is that some novel related to the games or something?
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Anonymous and STILL Employed reply on November 20th, 2008 11:05 am:
I’m pretty sure he’s reffering to the way that some of the High-Elves became Naga (weird fishy guys who take waaaaaaay too long to kill.) the Frozen Throne expansion for WarcraftIII explained it pretty well.
Once upon a time there was a war among the Elves, a whole bunch of them got morhped into Naga and the islands that the Elves originally came from sank beneath the waves, taking the Naga with them. (And, coincedentally, the tomb of the guy who created the scourge, or possibly the burning legion, I forget which.) The Naga hibernate until Illidan summons them to help him destroy the Lich king. (Or something like that, it’s been years since I played the mission that explained it all.)
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November 19th, 2008 at 8:37 am
LMAO. Once of the best I’ve read in a long time.
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November 19th, 2008 at 9:00 am
yeah its a book on some of the history from the whole game world. very good books
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November 19th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Dude, this is even better than my story on how the smurfs became blue.
Captcha- Not Headgear Then what is it?
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November 19th, 2008 at 9:31 am
Bzzzzz. Sassette was a fake smurf, just like Smurfette. There are no real female smurfs.
Sassette was created by the Smurflings to serve as a sister for themselves and Smurfette.
FAIL.
As for how they reproduce: They don’t. A baby smurf is found once in a Blue Moon.
Multi FAIL.
Then again, I can’t believe I know this shit. Oy.
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TeratoMarty reply on November 19th, 2008 2:08 pm:
You fail way harder for knowing this much about Smurfs (smurves?).
Captcha: tour Osborn. Iunno. Tour Cooper and I’ll think about it.
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Twan reply on December 20th, 2008 7:59 pm:
Smurfs is plural, you can’t make another plural for an already plural word.
Fail.
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November 19th, 2008 at 11:49 am
=( I’M SO ASHAMED.
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November 19th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
“Smurfs are asexual. They don’t even have… reproductive organs under those little, white pants. It’s just so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. You know, what’s the point of living… if you don’t have a dick?”
-Donnie Darko
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0246578/quotes
captcha: advising office
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Billy reply on November 19th, 2008 2:41 pm:
Damnit Darko, why’d you have to go and get all smart on us?
captcha: “Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?”
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November 19th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Was the baby Satanic host Smurf, or was that his father? Me and the guys once came up with a similar story after finding “The Smurfs and the Magic Flute” DVD under a stack of porno. (What a night that was!)I think ours involved the Russians in some way, but I had too much whiskey to remember. Vanity Smurf is female, (S)he’s just butch as hell.
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TeratoMarty reply on November 19th, 2008 2:11 pm:
No way! Vanity smurf was their prison bitch, before Smurfette showed up. Handy Smurf is actually a bulldagger, but hasn’t been letting on, to get out of the week-long smurf gangbangs that happen when they find a female.
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November 19th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Interesting. My theory was that smurfs were hive animals, like ants or xenomorphs. Somewhere deep under their mushroom village is a huge, bloated, perennially-pregnant Smurf Queen. She poops out larval smurfs and is tended by an army of sterile female worker smurfs. The male smurfs dicking around outside are actually smurf drones, like bee drones, with nothing to do until it is time for one of them to inseminate their hideous queen, then die.
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Rebecca reply on November 20th, 2008 11:04 am:
I figured it was more like fish — Smurfette leaves clouds of egg cells, and all the other smurfs leave clouds of sperm, and sometimes the clouds encounter each other and make a bunch of smurf eggs, which eventually hatch hundreds of tiny tiny fully formed smurfs, most of which don’t survive to adulthood (some even eating each other to survive).
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November 19th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Wow…so much more than I ever wanted to know about Smurfs, or how sick y’all really are. *lmao*
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November 19th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Sweetie, you need more than friends. You need help. I know some nice young men in clean white coats who can help you.
I almost managed to type that with a straight face.
CAPTCHA: proud Eisenberg
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November 19th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
i am moved
also very impressed at the thought required
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November 19th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
you were sober?
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November 19th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
The scary part is that, that kinda made sense. I mean like, the Snorks are basiclly the same as the Smurfs, except they’re more colorfull.
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November 19th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
You may have been sober…but you must’ve been high.
captcha: pitcher time…what polkster was enjoying while watching the Smurfs.
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November 19th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
dude, i had a really awful day today. i mean family members in the hospital awful. i so desperately needed a good laugh and you, my friend delivered. thanks for that.
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November 20th, 2008 at 11:06 am
… Wow. Just wow. You sir, need to send that stuff to a production company!!
-SpaZzy-
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November 20th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I think that is the reproductive cycle of the Snorks…
Evidence, those tubes on their heads.
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November 20th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Wait, if there’s only one Smurf village, wouldn’t that mean the female Smurf has to marry her brother? Every generation? That’s going to lead to some serious genetic problems.
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November 20th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
THEY’RE MAGICAL BEINGS.
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November 21st, 2008 at 3:23 pm
“I was watching the Smurfs–sober no less–”
You’re sure about that last part?
Might need to check on the air circulation in your place. :)
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November 24th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Dude that was hilariously awesome! I was an avid Smurfs fan when I was a kid, and this was both a horrific and funny as hell at the same time. Kudos for coming up with this sober! =)
Captcha: Nancy cheered – after the 4 hours we spent together. =P
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November 25th, 2008 at 2:56 am
I was gonna roll with a nice simple parthenogenesis replication but screw that, I like your better!
So, when can I buy tickets to this magnum opus? ;^)
Capcha: invade Gigliotti. What they do to Gargamel’s Machiavellian second cousin in the sequel…
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November 28th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Why is ANY sdult watching the Smurfs while sober? Were you watching it with your kids? Cause that’s about the only reason I can think of. Although your theory seriously casts doubts on your sobriety at the time. Or were you high?
Captcha: Fabian Rico — Judge Dredd’s gay brother perhaps?
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Stickfodder reply on November 29th, 2008 3:54 am:
Just go to his site and read his stuff and you will understand.
http://www.polkout.com/
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December 20th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Me and my colleagues have noted that the Smurfs will randomly change in size from an average of 5 inches to around a foot in height throughout their shenanigans.
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February 18th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Le gasp!
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February 24th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
OMFG!!!!! why did I not read this sooner its FCKing AWESOME!
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