Submitted by someone who wishes to remain both nameless and employed)
1. Not allowed to swear at customers
2. Not allowed to swear in front of customers
3. If a customer is walking away, viagra 40mg it still counts
4. Not allowed to eat in front of customers
5. Not allowed to go on cigarette breaks too often
6. Non-smokers are not allowed frequent breaks to do any of the following: drink alcohol, eat candy, drink coffee, read pornography, kill time, or take any kind of drugs
7. When greeting customers, “How may I help?” is preferred to “Oh gods, another one! Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
8. Especially when the manager is in the queue
9. Not allowed to switch the broadcast system to a station belonging to a rival company
10. Even if they have better music and it’s funny to watch the confused look on customers faces when adverts for someone else’s products come on
11. The broadcast system can’t be used to play CDs, and if it could, we wouldn’t play pirate metal, rock-grass, Pink Floyd or anything that might cause local Christians to boycott the store
12. Saying “Arrrr!” in every conversation is not a good enough justification for pirate metal
13. If it was written by Steven Lynch, I should assume it will never ever be played in store
14. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps just because a customer has a crappy car
15. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps for religious reasons
16. Can’t refuse to authorise the pumps because a coworker is on their cigarette break (even though you shouldn’t mix fire and petroleum)
17. Selling fuel which damages the environment does not necessarily make us the “bad guys”
18. Being the “bad guys” doesn’t mean I need a black moustache and an evil laugh
19. Saying the service charge on plastic bags goes towards the staff booze fund doesn’t make it true
20. You can’t commune with any god by resting your head against the microwave
21. The Jack Daniels bottle behind the counter is not “my baby”
22. Nobody I work with has any mafia ties
23. Nobody I work with is protected by the Dark Throne
24. The night shift are not goblins
25. Not allowed to suggest any form of punishment after the night shift’s latest blunder
26. Not allowed to suggest any form of medication to my superiors
27. Not allowed to flirt with customers I find attractive
28. Not allowed to flirt with customers I find moderately attractive
29. Not allowed to flirt with customers, full stop
30. The hot daughter/sister/friend of the person I’m serving still counts as a customer
31. Not allowed to flirt with staff either
32. Not allowed to use innuendos and double meanings on anyone over fifty. (I was bored, and they don’t really listen anyway.)
33. I can’t spend my time on the cash register looking for a specific toy in the Kinder Surprise
34. Secret shoppers are not “the Spanish Inquisition” even if we don’t expect them
35. Staff discount has a maximum limit
36. Staff discount does not apply to fuel, alcohol, or to people who aren’t actually staff
37. Any movie with a title along the lines of “Killer …… From ……” does not need to be discussed, quoted or re-enacted while working
38. Employees should not quote from any of the following: Frankenstein, The Shining, Any of the Hannibal Lecter films, Any of the Alien films, Star Wars, Star Trek, or Starcraft
39. The drop chute that leads to the safe is not the magic Wizards’ cave
40. Calling in sick after the manager saw you at a bar dancing on a table with a tequila bottle in each hand will earn you a disciplinary hearing
41. “I like chilli” Is not an appropriate response to a customer complaint (even if it was about chilli)
42. Wearing someone else’s nametag doesn’t mean it wasn’t my fault
43. “I’m incompetent” is not and never will be an appropriate response to a customer complaint
44. “Everybody does it” is not a valid excuse
45. “Playing the race card” is not something we do when dealing with an irate customer
46. “Customer service” means being polite and helpful to customers and not mentioning any of their (many) failings
47. If I get put on the early shift, I’m not allowed to scream as I walk past the manager’s house at five in the morning on my way to work
48. Especially if it turns out they don’t live there
49. The automatic lock-in system is not to be used on shoplifters
50. Staff are not allowed to show up to work drunk
51. Even if that member of staff is the youngest one there and the others have all set a bad example
52. Singing off-colour songs while stacking shelves is frowned upon
53. Even if key words are replaced with the names of our products
54. If songs are out, it should be assumed that interpretive dance is too
55. When stacking shelves, I should not say “who buys this shit anyway?”
56. I can’t change company policy
57. Obscene nicknames do not need to be used at work
58. The bell used to call for assistance does not invoke a “Pavlovian response” and nobody should drool when they hear it
59. Malfunctioning equipment is not an incitement to panic
60. Falling asleep in cupboards is bad – doubly so if waiting customers can see you
61. A lunch break is the amount of time we are allowed by the company for lunch, not the amount of time it actually takes to eat it
62. “He’s locked in the freezer” is not to be used to explain why staff are not at the cash register
63. Not allowed to lock staff in the freezer
64. Not allowed to give customers large amounts of change in pennies
65. Not allowed to make customers wait while refilling the register with larger denominations of change
66. (related to the above) Not allowed to point out that the last two things I was told contradict each other
67. A police helicopter hovering over the station is not an incitement to panic
68. A police officer requesting to see the station CCTV tapes is not an incitement to panic
69. Nobody wants to hear what medication the doctor put me on this week
70. Puppies are not allowed inside the station
71. We are not allowed to hold a competition to see who can serve the ugliest customer
72. We are not allowed to win said competition by serving the manager
73. We are not allowed to discuss how stupid/ugly/drunk/incompetent our coworkers are in front of customers
74. We are not allowed to voice opinions which conflict with company views or belittle the company while serving customers
75. Cool people, bikers and family members do not have right of way at the pumps
76. If a customer stands at a register that isn’t mine, I should still serve them
77. The Tannoy system is not a toy
78. I don’t have seniority over anyone
79. Meeting a famous person doesn’t automatically grant seniority
80. Growing a beard doesn’t automatically grant seniority
81. No one working at our station has a title, and if they did, it wouldn’t automatically grant seniority
82. Co workers who come from another station are not “temps” and I don’t have seniority over them, either
83. None of the coffee machines are trying to kill me
84. Mixing coffee with disinfectant – even accidentally – is wrong
85. Getting cocktail recommendations from customers is not an efficient use of company time
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