I just got Boomerang, the classic cartoons channel, and it’s sweet. It’s been so long since I’ve watched the Herculoids or Johnny Quest–the only thing the channel needs is more hardcore 80′s/early 90′s shows, like the Centurions and Pirates of Dark Water and Reboot.
Which brings me to my next point: the Smurfs. Oh man, I was watching the Smurfs–sober no less–and in some intense moment of clarity–like God was massaging my brain or something–I had this weird insight into Smurf sociology and biology. You know what it was? It was the presence of Sassette, the only other female Smurf that sparked this intense revelation. Ignoring Smurfette, because she was artificially implanted into Smurf society by Gargamel, Sassette is the only naturally occurring female Smurf. But that leads to a host of problems in terms of Smurf reproduction, right? How the hell do Smurfs reproduce? One female and all these males?
Well I’ve come up with a pretty adequate theory, I call it the Thunderdome Hypothesis. Once the lone female Smurf reaches sexual maturity all of the male Smurfs–save for the gay ones, like Vanity Smurf–enter a battle royale. All Smurfs enter, one Smurf leaves. And that champion Smurf, who is considered fittest of all Smurfs, is crowned Papa Smurf and must wear a red uniform, marking his status as leader as well as metaphorically symbolizing the blood of his brothers that stains his very soul. That Smurf then breeds, and the female repopulates the village until she births a female, after which she shrivels up and dies.
That Papa Smurf, or the Alpha Smurf, as I call him, proceeds to rule over the village until the next Smurf battle. Then he surrenders his uniform to the next Alpha, and steps down, taking a simple advisory rule until his death–like Grandpa Smurf. Also, Smurfs live hundreds of years–as referenced by Farmer Smurf in that episode where Smurfette was searching for a blue rose–so this event is relatively rare.
So then I started thinking, what impact will Smurfette’s presence have on the stability of the Smurf village and social hierarchy? You can’t have two Alphas; that would lead to an imbalanced hierarchy and the depletion of resources due to overpopulation. So I imagine Papa Smurf must have issued some sort of decree where no Smurf is permitted to have any sort of sexual relations with Smurfette; her presence will be tolerated, for the Smurfs are a peaceful people, but she will not be considered a reproductive female.
You know what would be a f!cking amazing Smurf story arc? So Smurfette has an affair, or is raped, or whatever, and becomes impregnated. Papa Smurf, realizing what sort of hell might be unleashed upon the Smurf order, announces that Smurfette and her unborn child must be killed–the first Smurf execution in history–to the shock of all Smurfs. He places his hand on her torso and exclaims, “Within this wretched womb gestates an impure soul. It must die, for it descends from an unclean magic. Its birth shall destroy us all.” Some Smurfs understand, while others–especially Rapist Smurf–are outraged. An uprising ensues where the village is divided in two.
The Smurf is born, but it’s not blue, no, some unsmurfly color, bearing the mark of its own damnation. An omen, feels Papa Smurf, who starts pressing ever harder for the death of it and its mother. Under the cover of nightfall, Smurfette and her followers flee, and establish a second village.
Village 2, under the military leadership of Brainy Smurf, launches a preemptive offensive on Village 1, attempting to assassinate Papa Smurf after it’s discovered that Papa Smurf is organizing death squads to slaughter Village 2 for their insubordination. “There can be only one Alpha!” He shouts and beats his fist as Grandpa Smurf rubs his shoulders and tries to calm him down.
The assassination is botched by some sort of series of hilarious hijinks, and an all out war ensues. Smurfs are being slaughtered left and right, it’s bloody, horrific, a war to end all Smurf wars. Finally, as Village 1 is set ablaze by Arsonist Smurf, Papa Smurf pleads to Mother Nature for aid–who’s forced to balance the knowledge that this bloody mess was started by Papa Smurf’s own hubris, while Smurfette and her progeny are corrupted creatures, unnatural, tainted–she strikes the earth before the invading Village 2 army, dividing the land in two and sinking the second village into the sea.
Smurfette watches on, alone, atop some high perch as the new village sinks; Smurf soldiers are clasping the rocks of the eroding soil, some falling hundreds of feet into the sea. She turns to the original Smurf village, watching it burn, her vision blurred by tears. Suddenly, she’s short of breath, choking, falling to the ground and grasping her throat. Meanwhile, the fallen Smurfs, tumbling under the force of the ocean currents, open their eyes and begin gasping for air. Their blue color fades and they begin sprouting tubes from their heads: Mother Nature’s greatest act of mercy. And thus the Snorks are born.
I need friends.
Polkster has a web-comic called Polkout.com , which he would like you to visit.