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Traffic Enforcement List

April 19th, 2009 by skippy

(Submitted by Officer “I want to keep my job thank you very much”)

1) I am not the one and only.

2) Not allowed to plunder the office stationary for things to repair my motorbike with.

3) Not allowed to eye-up women while working.

4) Not allowed to use the radios to organise a run up to Chicken Cottage.

5) Don’t say shit about shit to Robocop (K37).

6) If Chickenman (K14) is asleep in the breakroom he does not require the attention of a coroner.

7) I am allowed to penalise an errant vehicle which also happens to be blocking my bike in, but I’m not allowed to spend the rest of the day giggling about it.

8) Not allowed to blaspheme on the airwaves.

9) Not allowed to laugh so hard that I become incoherent on the airwaves.

10) I do not have superpowers.

11) Dodgyman (K45) is getting less dodgy, so I should stop making dodgy jokes about him.

12) Not allowed to make dodgy deals while in uniform.

13) Not allowed to auction off a supervisor as a sex slave.

14) Any proposal that includes the phrase “sign out a couple of bikes and bash ’em hard knee-down round the one-way system” will be met with raised eyebrows.

15) We are not operating a motorcycle dealership.

16) Not allowed to commandeer official vehicles in the pursuit of better take-away.

17) Apparently, Rudie can fail.

18) I am not a bulldyke in a china shop.

19) No official decision is to be described as “having less point than a Jason Statham film.”

20) Not allowed to pump my handheld-computer like a shotgun before issuing a fine.

21) No task is to be performed “for the lolz.”

22) When breaking in new officers, must stop short of actually killing one…

23) Must not get photographed penalising the cars of foreign presidents.

24) I am not the Coventrian Ambassador to London and I am not entitled to any sort of immunity.

25) Should pick a better place to skive than RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DEPOT.

26) Must tone down the bitchyness.

27) Must not taunt drivers who claim the “mystery officer” told them something was okay.

28) The use of cunt is no longer permitted in the depot.

29) See 28: this does not mean I need a sex-change before I can pee.

30) Must not swear in Polish.

31) The official language in the depot is English, not Polari.

32) Not allowed my hair purple.

33) Not allowed to sing Rage Against the Machine lyrics while in uniform.

34) Not allowed to play Friggin’ in the Riggin’ in the depot ever, ever again.

35) The I-just-got-sex smirk is not part of the official uniform.

36) Must not spend my day dreaming up ways to fuck with the boss’s head.

37) Should refrain from startling rookies.

38) Must not dress a snowman in uniform when an official inspection party is on its’ way…

39) There is no religious observance that involves going to the bar.

40) I do not have an army of winged monkeys.

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20 Responses to “Traffic Enforcement List”

  1. Sean Says:

    40) wait… I thought everyone did, am I the only one who does?


  2. Dave in NC Says:



  3. Shift Says:

    How about…

    41. Not allowed to have two offenders perform a roadside talent show to see “who’s getting out of a ticket today”.


  4. Stonewolf Says:

    You ever seen Super Troopers? Its about Vermont State Police, and amazingly most of the movie is true or inspired by true events.


    joshsra reply on April 20th, 2009 10:56 pm:

    indeed it is


    Speed reply on April 22nd, 2009 9:52 am:

    I have a buddy that was a Vermont State Policeman. He said Vermonters weren’t very smart, in fact they’d flash their lights at him to get out of the way so they could speed on the highway. When he stopped them it was always the same, “Where’d you come from? I never saw your car!”


  5. ScotchDave Says:

    39) There is no religious observance that involves going to the bar.

    Yes there is, Orthodox Jews have a tradition of consuming alcohol in excess on the festival of Purim (said “pureem”). Since it takes a number of years to convert to orthodox judaism you’d better get started. :P


    paula reply on April 20th, 2009 5:28 pm:

    As the old song says, “Give me that old time religion!”


    Dee Bee reply on April 21st, 2009 7:12 am:

    Oh, it’s not just Orthodox Jews. Nothing inspires piety like a holiday where G-d wants you get totally trashed.


    Tzanti reply on April 22nd, 2009 1:00 am:

    I agree, I mean how many times have you headed to the bogs in your local on a saturday night and seen some poor muppet hugging a puke-filled khazi going “OH GOD!!!” :)


    Stitch reply on September 11th, 2009 3:39 pm:

    It’s true. Vomiting is a spiritual experience.

    Captcha: patented 21¼; Seriously, WTF?

  6. Dave Van Domelen Says:

    I am disappointed that when I looked up “skive” it just meant to goof off, and not something filthy.


  7. Kitty Says:

    Aaaaaaah London’s finest coppers. Dontcha just love the fact these guys are protecting us?

    And what the fuck is wrong with all of those things? I see no reason for these rules at all.


  8. Al Li Says:

    39 is WRONG. What about Saint Patrick’s day or Mardi Gras? Ever hear this one, “It’s Saint Patrick’s day and you’re an alcoholic. Good luck.”?


  9. Murphy Says:

    Re: Do you have pictures and what’s the opening bid?


  10. Murphy Says:

    I meant Re: 13. I have to quit drinking at lunch, it’s making jacking around in the afternoon harder.


  11. Tzanti Says:

    Ah, 34. My favourite shower song. I managed to get it stuck in my flatmate’s head to the point where she would hear it every time she closed her eyes.

    I found myself humming it in Tesco. It’s amazing how many respectable-looking middle-aged people start smiling with recognition, and memories of a misspent youth.

    You know who you are…

    For those two young to remember: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kV6R0I2oHKY

    Captcha: coercing At – Diary entry by PC Dimbleby.


  12. Heywood Says:

    I wanted to be a cop too…..but my parents told me I had to pass grade 6….Wowsers Shaggy…epic fail


  13. Jinn Says:

    I love the song, but this vid is much more hilarious.



  14. Stitch Says:

    And that, folks, is what became of Stitch.


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