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Burn Hollywood Burn

April 16th, 2009 by skippy

So the Wolverine movie that’s set to come out next month got leaked somehow.

The studio is very upset, and feels that this may wind up costing them at the box office.

I, of course, have a theory.

Executive 1: Oh my god!  The new X-Men movie is horrible!  I’ve done such a bad job forcing unnecessary characters in, hiring questionable writers, and micromanaging it into a wad of tasteless pablum that no one will want to watch!  My career as an overpaid asshole with a nice haircut is over!

Executive 2: Don’t sweat it man.  We’ll just upload a copy of this turkey onto the old inter-tubes, and then blame media pirates for poor ticket sales.  Your job is saved.

Executive 1: Hooray!  Now let’s celebrate by remaking a Hollywood classic, but change the ending in such a way that it completely invalidates all that was good about the original.

Executive 2: If you let me cast Dane Cook as a romantic lead, you’ve got yourself a deal.

And they skipped merrily off into the sunset to destroy entertainment as we know it.

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26 Responses to “Burn Hollywood Burn”

  1. Bane Says:

    I will say that I saw the leaked copy, and it actually made me want to go see it in theatres more.
    I was kinda scared they’d wank up the series for me (huge fan) and I was proved wrong.
    I already bought tickets for the midnight showing…

    captcha: lunge thrashed – sounds like something wolverine would do in a fighting video game


    Minty reply on April 17th, 2009 8:57 am:

    Oh, good. I haven’t seen the leaked copy, but I was interested in seeing the movie in the theaters. Glad to know it’s going to be worth the ticket price to see it on the big screen.


  2. Stickfodder Says:

    Honestly I may or may not be downloading it right now. And I do plan on seeing the midnight showing it myself regardless of how it is. I just want to see blob on the big screen.


    Bane reply on April 17th, 2009 1:58 am:

    Lol I’m not gonna ruin anything for you, but his scenes are hilarious


    steelcobra reply on April 17th, 2009 5:18 am:

    Screw da Blob, I wanna see how they pull off Deadpool!


    Sean Beattie reply on April 17th, 2009 10:17 am:

    Deadpool’s not…”Deadpool” in the movie. They explicity have Ryan Reynolds introduce himself as “Wade Wilson”. They c*cked it up pretty good.



    Phantom reply on April 17th, 2009 12:02 pm:

    No Deadpool? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

    Stickfodder reply on April 17th, 2009 4:16 pm:

    I may or may not be watching it now.


  3. paula Says:

    I’ve been a theater projectionist for 25 years now, and therefore seen a LOT of crap come down the road: frankly, your theory sounds perfectly plausible to me!

    By the way, I’ve got my fingers crossed that the new Star Trek movie next month will be good, but I’m worried it too might be a stinker: I’ve already spotted a rather big continuity error, and that’s just from the trailer!


    Sicarius reply on April 17th, 2009 5:32 am:

    I read somewhere that the new movie is set in an alternate universe so they can do whatever they want with continuity. I kid you not.


    Bane reply on April 17th, 2009 6:08 am:

    All I’m gonna say about that is it had better not suck, or it’ll do nothing but piss a whole lotta people off (myself included)


    Dave in NC reply on April 17th, 2009 7:22 am:

    …Frank, I’m reporting to you from the movie studio lots of the new Star Trek movie. It is absolute bedlam here! Kirks have overtaken the executive offices and are barking orders over all of the office phones! Security has been incapacitated by a mob of Spocks, between the attempts at mind-melds and Vulcan nerve pinches, the guards can’t stop laughing long enough to radio for help or draw their tasers. I’ve seen at least two dozen McCoys scanning random people for injuries and there are dead ensigns littering the ground. Truly a sad, sad day for Trekkers everywhere. I’m Dick Hardy. Back to you, Frank.

    paula reply on April 17th, 2009 9:08 am:

    There are a couple of different Star Trek trailers — I myself am running two, one slightly shorter than the other. The longer one is the one with the obvious continunity error; what worries me is that if they’ve got this screwup in the trailer, where they’re supposedly putting their best face on the movie, what does that say about the movie itself?!?

    For those interested: the boo-boo is at the start of the trailer, so look fast! This version starts with an old red Corvette racing down a dirt road; it’s driven full-speed at/over a cliff. Just before going over the cliff, an 11 or 12 year old Kirk dives out. The continuity error: the trailer opens with that Corvette’s whte convertible top UP; the young Kirk dives out with the top neatly DOWN. (And yes, I’m VERY sure: after all, I’ve had dozens and dozens of viewings of the thing….) And for what it’s worth: 1. how did this kid-Kirk get hold of what would be, in his time, an antique car like that? 2. is it really likely that that antique car would be capable of out-gunning the police vehicle chasing it? And and and….. and I haven’t even seen the movie yet!

    Minty reply on April 17th, 2009 9:20 am:

    That may not be such a bad thing, since the ST universe was starting to smell a little ripe there toward the end.

    At least the trailer they showed with the Watchmen made it seem like it was going to be somewhat interesting.


  4. Speed Says:

    They had a DVD of the dailies, kinda choppy, out for a few months now. I know a guy, who knows a guy, that says the finished product came out a little while back. Its got mixed reviews from “the guys.”

    I know some other guys in the business. They all tell me that, depending on the film company, the producers, etc., that cast/crew members may get a finished product DVD, but have to sign the form not to release or copy it.

    Aaand, Speilberg himself is accused of leaking his own films on DVD to build up sales. At least that’s what the guys in the biz tell me.


  5. kereineko Says:

    The leaked copy I saw is a serious source for comedy. It wasn’t even close to the directors cuts so most of the graphics and animations are not even close to being done. Not a bad movie, but missing the effects really ruined it.


  6. Bill Says:

    The early posts here show how much the film industry is missing the boat with online access and piracy in general.

    1. People who pirate works in a medium not suitable to the format such as film are either not going to pay to watch it anyway or are previewing something they intend to watch in the medium. This obviously doesn’t apply to music and s/w where you are pirating in the medium it’s used for.

    2. If the film truly is good all that advance talk, such as here, will drive even more business to the theater. I suspect if the film is even remotely good the advance leak will only help sales.


    paula reply on April 17th, 2009 12:40 pm:

    The theater I work is an IMAX with a huge screen, about 70 feet tall. Every so often you can spot somebody trying to pirate off us: we always wonder why they even try, since the screen is so big that their camcorders won’t even catch a fraction of the picture. And then there are the idiots trying to take flash pictures of the screen in the middle of the show: never mind copyright stuff, they just don’t seem to care that that bugs everybody ELSE in the room!


    Minty reply on April 17th, 2009 3:02 pm:

    Ah, assholes. Without them, we would have nothing to bitch about.


  7. James Says:

    Would have been better with Zombie Cylons.


  8. Patrick Says:

    Link is relevant to the topic of conversation, and explains it all.


  9. TeratoMarty Says:

    … d’you have any idea how humiliating it is to read this while I’m staying at my mom’s house? I’m typing this from my childhood bedroom which, yes, still has a Wolverine poster on the wall. In this room, countless hours were devoted to speculating about Wolverine’s origins. Also sweaty thoughts about his hairy, muscular self. Twenty years later, I find myself back in the same bed, looking at the same poster, wondering if I should go see a movie that spells out the origin once and for all. Sweaty thoughts about Hugh Jackman’s hairy, muscular self are NOT helping.


    paula reply on April 18th, 2009 7:24 am:

    yeah, but sweaty thoughts about Hugh Jackman…… mmmm, nice!


    Stickfodder reply on April 18th, 2009 11:08 pm:

    I don’t know if this helps you decide but you do get to see him mostly naked. Unfortunately they edit in a way that you cant’ really see anything good… have I ever mentioned I’m Bi?


    TeratoMarty reply on April 19th, 2009 6:56 am:

    Hmmm… thanks for the tip. DVD extras, maybe?

    Captcha: “with snares.” Thank you, I like to think that most of my comments are followed by a little ‘badum-dum-ching!’


  10. TheShadowCat Says:

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you’re not looking forward to the new X-Men movie.

    CAPTCHA – praises steinach – and what the hell did steinach do to deserve praises?


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