Holiday Survival Guide
It’s that special time of year when families get together to eat massive amounts of turkey, catch up on events of the past year, and do massive amounts of shopping come Black Friday.
Unless your family is like mine, in which case you are making plans for the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
So in the event that your town is subject to a siege of shambling horrors that thirst for the still-warm flesh of the living, here are some handy tips.
1) Put 1-800-454-8000 on speed dial. If you need to call this number you do not want to have to go looking for it.
2) If you see a bunch of people sprint past you carrying automatic weapons and covered in rotting viscera, try to keep up with them. The movies always show that guy whose last thought is “What the heck are those guys running fro- OH MY GOD_Urk”
3) If you see me sprinting past you while carrying an automatic weapon and covered in rotting viscera, run perpendicular to my direction. Because I will shoot you in the foot to use you as bait. I don’t got to outrun the zombies, just you.
4) In any group of survivors there is usually one person who I will refer to as “creepy religious guy”. He’s the one muttering about God’s will, and how we deserve this punishment, and keeps saying disturbing quotes that sound kind of like they came out of the bible, but you are pretty sure that he’s just making them up as he goes.
No good ever comes out have letting him hang out. It’s only a matter of time before he tries human sacrifice or just let’s the zombies into your shelter. And he always get’s ripped apart in a horrible fashion. It’s best for everyone involved if you just give him a nice clean bullet to the head now.
5) In the event you come across a scientist who finds the zombies to be “fascinating specimens”, or crusty old military officers who start grumbling about “the perfect soldiers” see rule number 4.
6) Make certain that none of your friends are stupid enough to do any of the following: Read creepy old books out loud, open strange barrels with military warnings on them, screw around with angry lab monkeys, or propose any activity in a spooky abandoned mental hospital.
7) Never, ever, under any circumstances, attempt to have sex with a member of the undead. I would think that this particular rule is completely obvious to every person on the planet, but when you watch the kind of movies that I do it becomes evident that it is not.
8) If one of your friends has gone off to be by themselves, just assume that they are a goner. Don’t be the schmuck that goes off looking for them. That schmuck always get’s eaten by the zombified version of their friends.
9) If you hear a sound, but it turns out to just be the cat, start running. There are zombies behind you.
10) Do not take a shower during a zombie apocalypse. The zombies know when you are taking a shower, and they will show up. They also know when you are having sex, participating in underage drinking, cheating a friend, or doing any other morally questionable activity. Zombies are kind of like Santa Claus that way.
Another important thing to do to is, of course, to practice. Which is why I am spending my free time playing Left4Dead. It’s not only one of the best zombie games ever, it’s also one of the best co-op games ever. If anyone reading this has the PC version send me your SteamID and I’ll add you to my friends list.
Follow
November 26th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Wow what’s the number to?
Captcha: Emigration Mc they now have a musican like dude at the border to play with discs at you.
And because I don’t like forms 2nd captcha: Revolver motion what to do when the zombies get in your face.
Reply
Tzanti reply on November 28th, 2008 4:19 am:
The Zombie Preparedness Line (I shit thee not)
Don’t know if it works, cos I ain’t coughing-up the international rate to call it.
Reply
JessEm reply on November 30th, 2008 3:23 pm:
It doesn’t. I feel disappointed. :(
Captcha: Poles $238,307,450…er…
Reply
November 26th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
Two words…SHOTGUN + BUCKSHOT!!!!!! The better to make the oouy goouy gore fly. The ultimate Zombie Zapper…just send 4 payments of 49.95.
Captcha – Blakeston congratu = The latest Zombie Zapper customer.
Reply
Lauren reply on November 27th, 2008 11:11 am:
I find that most being are pretty much fearful of .12 gauge shotguns, regardless of religion or immortality. Even if it does’t kill ’em, it’l still hurt like hell.
Reply
ArchaicDome reply on December 1st, 2008 3:10 pm:
The shot to the head would work fine- unless they’re the Living Dead variety of zombie, rather than plain old Undead…
And I’m really upset- that number doesn’t work.
Reply
November 27th, 2008 at 9:03 am
In regards to number 4 and 5 couldn’t you just solve them with number 3?
Reply
November 27th, 2008 at 11:10 am
In reference to rule 10…so…Zombies are like the Santa Clause of Death?
Reply
Chris reply on November 27th, 2008 1:52 pm:
Or is Santa Claus a zombie with very good PR?
Reply
November 27th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Rule 11) Carry a machete or similar sharp, pointy or bludgeony tool. Remember, when your gun inevitably makes that very untimely and unfriendly “click” you should not be thinking “Oh, shit, I need more ammo,” you should be thinking “Oh, shit, now I need to close with these things!” Also, for the best anti-zombie, demon, or whatever weapon in the world, please see http://zombiehunters.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=33&t=36457&st=0&sk=t&sd=a
Reply
November 27th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
rule 12) strip-searches prevent the “I-have-been-bitten-but-I’m-too-much-of-a-coward-to-tell-it-and-will-kill-*insertnumberhere*-people-when-I-turn”-syndrom.
rule 13)for strip-searching that hot chick over and again see rule 10
Reply
StoneWolf reply on May 7th, 2009 6:52 am:
You know, I hadn’t seen your rule 12, yet I just did this in a Zombie story I’m writing. It resulted in the death of 9 probably infected and saved a whole ton of fuss later. Although it did create a bunch of “You murdered nine college kids!” fuss, but thats easier to deal with.
Captcha: Matohs of-Doom? Cookies? What the hell is a Matoh?
Reply
November 27th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Top thing to remember with zombies, they can’t attack from a distance, and also, baseball bats/sledge hammers/swords/anything else you can think of don’t run out of ammo, and you dont have to be nearly as accurate about the hits, zombies dont dodge on purpose.
Reply
November 27th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Dude, you should read Max Brooks “Zombie survival guide” I bet you’d love it. Don’t know where you get it though, probably eBay or Hot Topic. Also, go to YouTube and type in “GMOD Zombie Survival Guide,” Hilarious.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on November 28th, 2008 3:09 am:
You can get that book at pretty much any book store that’s where I got mine.
Oh and I just remembered If you like zombie games and have steam you have to get Zombie Panic! Source. It’s an awesome online zombie survival game. It’s fun as hell and It’s free. Both to download and to play.
Reply
November 27th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Haha, nice list (not a surprise), I have left 4 dead, steam ID is iTuneYouOut, would love to play a few rounds with you.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on November 28th, 2008 4:29 am:
I don’t have Left 4 Dead YET but I hope to eventually.
Reply
November 28th, 2008 at 8:19 am
…can I really be steam friends with Skippy himself? :O
LV_LT is the name. See you online :D ….after exams :(
Reply
ArchaicDome reply on December 1st, 2008 3:13 pm:
And if you’re REALLY cool, you can be friends with Wil Wheaton, too. Maybe.
Captcha: Jersey tackle- cement, rope, and trash bags?
Reply
November 28th, 2008 at 8:39 am
I see you’ve been Christmas shopping in the UK then.
Rule 11) Carry a machete or similar sharp, pointy or bludgeony tool. Remember, when your gun inevitably makes that very untimely and unfriendly “click” you should not be thinking “Oh, shit, I need more ammo,” you should be thinking “Oh, shit, now I need to close with these things!” Also, for the best anti-zombie, demon, or whatever weapon in the world, please see http://zombiehunters.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=33&t=36457&st=0&sk=t&sd=a
Reply
November 28th, 2008 at 10:31 am
ive got it on steam, and play it pretty ferociously.
TobyThePlatypus is my steamid
Reply
November 28th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I called the number (proving EOD techs REALLY have no life and will stoop to anything to alleve the bordeom before we bl… oops, said too much). All I got was an ad for a “meeting friends” hotline. *is sad now*
Captcha: attempting ly: Maybe the acid will burn the zombies, too. Couldn’t hurt to try and make some….
Reply
November 29th, 2008 at 7:55 am
Hay if anybody want’s to play Zombie Panic! Source with me my Steam ID is stickfodder
Reply
November 30th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
In reference to #7 I’ve always wondered if zombiism is like an STD. If you fuck a zombie, do you become a zombie?
Reply
December 1st, 2008 at 8:33 am
Rule #13: Always keep excessive amounts of flamable liquids near-by. This serves two purposes. Zombies don’t like fire, and will avoid it. If on fire zombies will wander around, possibly ignaiting other zombies, until they die. And, zombies don’t like cooked meat, if you are going to die, douse yourself, light the liquid and hurl yourself into the pack of zombies. They won’t eat you, you’ll take some of them out with you, and most importantly, you won’t come back as a zombie.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on December 1st, 2008 10:31 am:
Zombies are dead and have no fear and only seek to eat. Lighting them on fire will do only serve to make a flaming zombie. It will take a long time to destroy the brain or enough muscle to prevent them from moving. And in the mean time they will continue to search for food the whole time setting everything they touch on fire. Including your shelter.
Reply
ArchaicDome reply on December 1st, 2008 3:14 pm:
How would one make a Flaming Zombie? I’d assume there’s Everclear or something similar involved. Hypnotiq, maybe?
Reply
Andrew reply on December 2nd, 2008 11:58 am:
Ah but of course I’m only basing this on what I have seen in the semi-realistic movies I have seen. You know, like Resident Evil and such. But the second part is quite viable. And not to mention, zombies kinda have to see and smell and hear you, which is kinda hard for them to do once their eyeballs melt, the inside of the nose is singed, and their ears are crisped and swollen shut. I was not implying they would instantly run around in circles screaming as if they were a living person. Of course for me, defense would be kinda fun, as I have a shotgun with about 1500 slug rounds, a black powder .50 cal rife with enough for 250 shots, a couple .40 cal semi auto pistols with about 1000 rounds and a whole slew of 1/2 scale model seige engines which can hurl just about anything with enough force to be… erm deadly toward zombies.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on December 2nd, 2008 12:58 pm:
Hay if a large zombie outbreak happens can I hold up with you? I’ve got a Krag with just under 500 rounds. Sure the gun is over 100 years old but it still works as well as the day it came off the assembly line and the krag is considered one of the smoothest bolt actions ever made.
December 1st, 2008 at 3:13 pm
I think either most or all the zombies are attracted to loud noises so that is always safe to assume.
But we need to know what kind of zombies we are dealing with here. You have universal zombies rules to follow, but they won’t help much if you don’t know how to follow up.
Are we dealing with the old school, slow moving, Romero zombies? <- Those are the zombies that don’t like fire. The brain-eating Russo zombies who can’t be stopped by anything less than complete destruction. Running zombies? The Rage Virus zombies, fast-spreading but with short-relifespan. The “I Am Legend” movie zombies, who are sensitive to UV radiation and can smell blood and climb walls. Or the cellphone zombie from “Cell” that become zombified after hearing a signal from their cellphones and live in hives and communicate telepathically.
Reply
Stickfodder reply on December 1st, 2008 4:09 pm:
I like to think that we are talking about zombies as defined in The Zombie Survival Guide.
Reply
StoneWolf reply on May 7th, 2009 6:57 am:
I read Cell. I hated cell phones to begin with. Now they make my trigger finger twitchy. Pixie light and Pixie dark, fucking creepy. When in doubt, lite em the fuck up.
Reply
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:28 am
SS0243001PC135 – Steam id, Love to run a few rounds.
Me and a few friends since playing this game straight for nearly 26 hours have no become so paranoid that we can’t even look at hoodies the right way….
Keep thinking they’re going to jump on me and maul my Torso, when in actual fact they’re just going to nick my wallet
Reply
June 1st, 2013 at 8:30 pm
Truly no matter if someone doesn’t understand afterward its up to other visitors that they will help, so here it occurs.
Here is my blog post; fc2.com
Reply
October 16th, 2013 at 12:18 pm
A person necessarily lend a hand to make seriously articles I might state.
That is the very fidst time I frequennted your weeb pagve
and up to now? I surprised with the analysis you made tto create
this particular pput up amazing. Wonderful process!
Reply