Marty Needs Some Help

November 24th, 2008 by skippy

Due to the fact that I have a website that people read, I occasionally get letters asking for my help with something. Being me, I usually delete these emails because what the heck have random internet people ever done for me?

But occasionally I get a letter addressing an issue so important that I have absolutely no choice but to set aside some time to deal with it.

And this weekend I received an email concerning just such an issue. The sort of issue that I just could not in good conscience ignore.

And so Marty writes:

Hey Skippy,

Owing to circumstances beyond my control (described here, http://teratomarty.livejournal.com/105530.html ), I’ve recently come into possession of a large box of heterosexual porn, on VHS tape. Since I’m rather flamingly gay, and afraid of breast implants, I have no use for same. Since this is exactly the sort of thing Anysoldier.com tells us specifically NOT to send to the troops, I was wondering if you knew of a better use for such a thing. Either deserving recipient/s or targets for the epic pranking suggested by the sheer volume of smut.

Thank you. I quite enjoy reading your continuing adventures on the List.

Marty

Well first of all despite what those liars at Anysoldier said, I think that a big box of porn would be welcome by most deployed soldiers. You just have to put the tapes into a case for some other sort of movie like Carebears, Veggietales, or something. That way it can slip past the censors.

But I will leave this question up to my readers, what should Marty do with his giant box of porn?

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This entry was posted on Monday, November 24th, 2008 at 11:25 pm and is filed under Skippy is feeling benevolent. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

Vittles Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 12:19 am

you could either give it to troops, or donate it to a tech school like MIT or ERAU where they’ve forgotten what women look like, or sell it on ebay.

TeratoMarty reply on November 25th, 2008 11:30 am:

Hey, show some respect! If it weren’t for the horny nerds at Stanford and MIT, the Internet would still be a text-based glorified DARPA teletype. The internet only became what it is today due to the concerted efforts of hundreds, nay thousands, of lonely geeks who wanted to look at pictures of naked ladies. As glorious as the Internet now is, I’m sure the MIT guys have all the digital images of naked ladies they need.

Earl reply on December 3rd, 2008 4:44 pm:

While our women situation at ERAU is critical no amount of porn is going to fix the situation. We need women… and we need them BAD. Send the porn to the soldiers. We at least have access to the internet.

Pericles Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 1:58 am

Send the OMGWTFBBQ porn to Sara Palin or Amy Proctor.
Actually, maybe just split it between the two of them.
Either way should be nice.

I agree that the straight porn should be sent to the deployed soldiers.

Andy Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 2:52 am

find a small child selling lemonade and set up stall across the road, see who gets more customers (police dont count)

Ben reply on November 25th, 2008 6:06 am:

awesome haha

Roxanne Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 3:00 am

Send it to the wives of deployed soldiers? Some women like porn too, I know I’ll be needing some come April.

da djapavlak Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 4:24 am

hide them within other things, like holes in the backs of teddy bears, or cakes. Or in cases that are, as you said, for more “Armed Forces Friendly” like….wait Carebears?

Chris reply on November 25th, 2008 1:12 pm:

You’ve obviously never been exposed to Carebear Porn.
Google it and you get 169,000 hits in .24 seconds.
Somehow the thought of glittery fluids amuses me. ;)

Andrew Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 5:13 am

Well I’ve always liked using scotch tape and splicing bits and pieces of porn into legit “kiddie” movies. Like leave the first 15 minutes of something like Ernest Goes Camping then immediately cut to the climax of the first scene of the porno (preferably a camping scene). Then let the rest of the porno run and cut in the credits for Ernest Goes Camping.

Stickfodder reply on November 25th, 2008 5:24 am:

Oh that’s something that I’m just going to have to do.

SSpiffy reply on November 25th, 2008 10:57 am:

Just make sure you wear gloves, mylar tape holds onto fingerprints for-frikken-ever!

Joe reply on November 25th, 2008 9:08 am:

Are you by any chance Tyler Durden?

Stickfodder reply on November 25th, 2008 10:06 am:

No but he seems like a guy I could really get along with.

SpaZzy reply on November 25th, 2008 6:00 pm:

Fight Club, great movie. Ugh. I hate Lye now.

-SpaZzy-

SPC Hyle Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 6:49 am

Any soldier worth his salt has a laptop with a hard drive filled with porn before he deployed. Failing that, he knows at least two people with 1 TB of porn on externals (no joke, I know people with that much).

They’ve got PLENTY.

TeratoMarty reply on November 25th, 2008 8:44 am:

OK, glad to know our boys in uniform are well-supplied with the latest technology in at least one area. Any idea what to do with the outmoded VHS?

Ihmhi reply on November 25th, 2008 5:35 pm:

Look up Freecycle. You can join mailing lists based on your region (usually by county) and say “I’m giving this stuff away – all you have to do is come and pick it up”. Alternatively, you can hit up craigslist.

Honestly, I would just pull up to the local college campus and dump a cardboard box that says “FREE PORN” on it in front of a frathouse. It will be gone in under 5 minutes.

cube47a reply on November 25th, 2008 11:01 pm:

College Campus?? What about retirment homes? They need love too and it’s harder for them to get out and about. Drop it at your local VA rest home. You’ll be supporting the troops AND the elderly.

Dorkus Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 7:14 am

Wait, who’s afraid of breast implants?

TeratoMarty reply on November 25th, 2008 8:48 am:

That’d be me. I’m always afraid that they’re going to pop like silicone-filled water balloons when one of the other porn harpies squeezes them with her terrifying red acrylic talons.

Stickfodder reply on November 25th, 2008 10:08 am:

That would be interesting to see. And I’m sure that some guys would pay good money to see it.

paula reply on November 25th, 2008 3:38 pm:

I’ve got to agree with Marty on the thumbs-down for a lot of porn: I’ve been a theater projectionist for many years now, including a stretch working the booth in a porn house. Straight hetero stuff, nothing kinky or,for that matter, interesting. It’s a terrible thing to have to admit, but running dirty movies day after day was just plain BORING.

And the implants….. oy, the implants! You could always tell which, ahem, “actresses” had ’em by the way things did NOT jiggle.

I’m voting for opening a stand across from the kid with the lemonade!

ArchaicDome Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 9:02 am

LOL the acrylic talons. The UnBoobies are actually filled with saline now, because silicone causes mutation or cancer or something. :)

If you can’t find anything else to do with it, send it to me. Address it to my boyfriend, and it’ll make his day. ;)

Tzanti reply on November 25th, 2008 10:00 am:

Wasn’t there something about them exploding at high altitude?

captcha: Charley Lupitken – She’ll back me up on this.

Stickfodder reply on November 25th, 2008 10:13 am:

That’s total BS silicone doesn’t expand. Nor does saline.

Ilvantari reply on November 25th, 2008 2:30 pm:

Yeah, they busted that one on Mythbusters.

Billy Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 10:46 am

Send them to prisoner’s using the methods stated above, I know those guys have done some pretty bad things, but it would be interesting. Especailly some of the more screwed up kinds of porn, like explosive cannibalistic necrophiliac porn.

Dave in NC Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 12:20 pm

What if a woman’s implants froze? (I know, impossible without some major frostbite, just play along)

captcha: proceeding pi – the less common mathematic symbol “caKe”

Speed reply on November 25th, 2008 12:27 pm:

“You’re one frigid bee-yotch…”

SpaZzy reply on November 25th, 2008 5:20 pm:

“Daymn! Looks like somebody already iced this ho!”

Sam Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 12:59 pm

Not quite sure what should be done with it; although the Amy Proctor and Westboro Baptist Church aren’t bad ideas. The Vatican would be hilarious in theory. I still think the Amy Proctor would be the best bet though. Regardless, I would love to hear the final outcome of the lucky recipient. Keep us posted.

P.S. Captcha – Lover’s Fortier

Irony; it’s like goldy and bronzey except it’s made of iron.

paula reply on November 25th, 2008 3:43 pm:

Westboro Baptist…. I like it! Can we mail each tape separately, not just send them in one big (easily-disposed-of) package? And let’s wrap ’em in nice clear cellophane, and stick “here’s your order!” labels on each one…..

Where do I send my donation for the mail costs?!?

Stickfodder reply on November 25th, 2008 3:46 pm:

Ok this idea I like.

PO2 Thpbbb reply on January 6th, 2009 8:16 am:

I too like this idea. They did protests near my base not too long ago, and I was very unhappy to have them so close by. My command felt the need to give us specific instructions to stay away from them, so they couldn’t antagonize us into doing something they would then sue us for. Nasty peoples.

Icehawk reply on November 25th, 2008 3:43 pm:

the Westboro church thing gives me an idea. Instead of just sending them a metric ton of smut, disperse the load to your readers throughout the country. Once in their possession, these agents will disguise the tapes as home-made VHS documentaries by covering the labels with blank ones and title them something like “For Our Lord and Savior” using black magic marker and placing them in blank cardboard envelopes. These converted tapes will then be sent to the Westboro Baptist Church (or other mark) from all over the country. I can only hope that they wind up playing some German scat flick before they figure out what’s going on.

“Hmmm, what’s this?”
*Play*
“ESSEN MEIN SCHEIßE!”

-Captcha: der DOOMED – what will happen to the target if this operation is successful and leaked to the press.

Stickfodder reply on November 25th, 2008 3:55 pm:

Ok that’s even better. Now if they are VHS I have a LOT of old kid’s movies in storage and a knowledge of how to change the tape between two different VHS tapes left over from before my family got a DVD player. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if I had some kids movies that have religious undertones lying around (my mom ran the Vacation Bible School at my church for several years).

TeratoMarty reply on November 25th, 2008 4:12 pm:

My friends, I think we have a winner. Divide and conquer! (Skippy, if my descriptions of the porn are too grotesque, feel free to delete).

Step 1: wind all tapes ahead to particularly virulent parts, so that the first thing on screen is a midget taking a dump on a guy’s face. (This is an example of the OMGWTFBBQ category, by the way, but I suppose it’s a lady midget pooping on a guy, so it could technically be categorised as heterosexual porn. The midget hasn’t got breast implants, I should note.)

2. Print out a few sheets of mailing labels with “For Our Lord And Master” on them, to slap over the “Crush Fetish: Mouse-Mashing Mayhem!!” labels.

3. Stick tapes in individual media mailers, discard the original “Ball-Buster Bonanza” cases somewhere that my neighbours will not see (I don’t really understand how pictures of ladies kicking guys soundly in the junk is even porn, but OK).

4. Address same to the priest or pastor of any church that comes up when I Google certain ideological positions I find objectionable. I shall make sure Mr Fred Phelps gets at least one. Maybe the midget one. Perhaps I shall send some of the normal porn to the Patriot Guard Riders.

This has had me giggling for well over 15 seconds, so it must be the right idea.

Viktor reply on November 25th, 2008 4:36 pm:

Indeed. This one is full of win.

latrans321 reply on November 25th, 2008 9:51 pm:

I love the divide-and-conquer method, and I’ll gladly chip in to see certain overzealous dweebs get properly tweaked… or even to have them join us over here in the 24-7 funkadelic Ramones block party!

captcha: right shrewd- you’re damn right, it is!

paula reply on November 26th, 2008 7:04 am:

Perhaps a variation: why throw out the original porn cases, while sending the tapes undercover, so to speak? Why not use BOTH cases AND tapes to double the fun?

Sure, send the disguised-in-Carebear-boxes tapes to ‘deserving’ types, but stuff the discarded Carebear tapes in the porn boxes and send THEM out too!

captcha: and recorded…. And It Was Recorded That Many Heart-attacks Were Caused Amongst The Faithful, at the Time of The Great Tape Mailing…..

okay, it’s early, I’ll go find some coffee now.

Viktor Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 1:57 pm

Yeah, I seriously think Amy Proctor is fully deserving of this. Hell, I’ll even chip in for shipping costs.

Stickfodder reply on November 25th, 2008 2:19 pm:

NO! She’ll just burn it! If you want to waste it just send it to me.

Al Li reply on November 25th, 2008 4:37 pm:

Disguise it as messages of support. Then send one tape at a time. See how long it takes before ANY tape is discarded immediately.

SpaZzy Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 5:08 pm

My cousin once went to a strip joint and sat near a stripper. After a while, she gets down to nothing and he has to go home (he’s drunk off his ass), and he hands her money. Here’s the exchange, from what his friend told me (this is one good reason to have a Designated Driver).
“Uhm.. sir? This is Monopoly Money.”
“Haha *points to breasts* Fake Money.. Fake Tits!”

He was escorted off the premises.

Andy reply on November 26th, 2008 4:06 am:

lmao

Mispeld reply on November 26th, 2008 4:48 pm:

Thats From Larry The Cable Guy LOL

SpaZzy Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 5:26 pm

Heck I’ve got a recipient. My highschool. The Security guard there would LOVE you. Or our rival school.

“To Kentridge, With Love”
“Wonder what it is? -opens- OH DEAR GOD!”

Duna Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 6:45 pm

hidden them in the offices mess

Christopher Says:
November 25th, 2008 at 8:07 pm

Of course I didn’t have access to laptops, thumbdrives, and awesome internet porn back when I was in Kuwait, but I loved to go “fishing”.

The barracks we had set up in had been occupied for some time and there was a HUGE library of video tapes. I’d grab a few, looking mostly for the lamest looking home-video types and pop them in the VCR. More often than not there would be some hidden porn in the middle…..my kind of fishing!

Donny Says:
November 30th, 2008 at 4:47 pm

feel free to send it to my CO..he has an interesting sense of humor..

SrA Says:
December 1st, 2008 at 12:16 pm

well with christmas comming up, i’d give it out to my military buddies as presents myself, if my husband didn’t keep it all! and never underestimate the humor to be found when large groups of drunk guys sit around and watch porn!

TheShadowCat Says:
December 1st, 2008 at 7:45 pm

Ok, time for my nickle’s worth.

The straight porn should be sneaked to soldiers about to be deployed so they can take it with them with the express purpose of distributing it to the troops. They aren’t allowed to keep the tapes. They have to be willing to share or they don’t get any.

The OMGWTFBBQ porn should be sent to the Mormon Church in Utah but labeled as some nice wholesome movies. After what those jackasses did this past election, it’s the least we can do for them.

What did these lovely upstanding church going folk do, you ask? Why, they were the main monetary contributors to the Yes on Prop. 8 campaign here in California.

What was Prop. 8? It was a proposition to ban gay marriage by putting it on the state’s constitution.

Now, I’m a straight married woman with kids and I personally believe what 2 people do behind closed doors is their business as long as they are both consenting adults. If a couple wants to get married, more power to them. What difference does it make if they’re the same gender or not?

However, some stick up their ass religious bigots got this stupid proposition onto the ballot and what’s even worse, it passed. I have to wonder if it would have if the Mormon Church of Utah hadn’t been throwing money at the Yes campaign.

So, for butting into something that had nothing to do with them and especially since it wasn’t even in their own state, I say let them have the OMGWTFBBQ tapes.

I’ll stop ranting now.

paula reply on December 1st, 2008 8:19 pm:

True, the Mormon church’s anti-Prop 8 actions (and then having the gall to lie about it afterwards, and try to deny that support ever happened!) do put them on the short-list for the worst (best?) of the porn, but do consider Fred Phelps — he’s the jacka** who leads all those virulent anti-gay protest at soldiers’ funerals. Doesn’t matter to him that the soldier who is being buried has or hasn’t got anything to do with gay issues, doesn’t matter that there’s a grieving family he’s harrassing, he and his deluded family and followers are being as loud and as obnoxious as they can be.

Would you consider a 50-50 split between the Mormon leadership (the council is, I believe, called the twelve apostles) and the charming Fred Phelps?

TheShadowCat reply on December 6th, 2008 9:48 am:

Ok, how about we find someone to make DVD copies of the OMGWTFBBQ tapes and we distribute them to all of those deserving such love?

Stickfodder reply on December 6th, 2008 4:16 pm:

Now THAT’S a good idea!