Archive for September, 2008

(Post by skippy. Typos by alcohol.)

So as regular readers have already figured out, I have just moved from Illinois to Arizona, due to a really good job offer. The downside to all of this is shipping everything across the country on short notice, as well as prepping my house for sake. And naturally our movers got “unfortunately delayed”. Which I’m pretty sure is mover talk for, “Screw it, we’ve got all of your stuff, and you have to pay us to get it back, so well just show up whenever we feel like it. If this displeases you, please feel free to suck a bag of dicks.”

While I was at work today the movers finally did show up. I was pleased by this turn of events as I was tired of sleeping on an air mattress and using a card tbale as a computer desk.

On related note, my house in IL was significantly larger than the small place that I am renting now. Physics being the stone cold bitch that she is, this has caused a bit of a bottleneck in the unpacking department. This means my computer is now boxed in by some assembled shelving, a mattress and some sort of lamp/tree thing that I am not entirely sure that we started with.

In order to move the things blocking my computer, I’d have to clear out another area, and find a place for that stuff. Remember those sliding tile puzzles where you have to push the little squares around until the picture is assembled? That’s pretty much what I have going on right now. And since I had to work late tonight , I was way too tired to want to take part in a Tetris LARP.

All of this has been me taking the long way around to tell you that I had a funny story already prepared, and now I can’t get to it. I can however get to my laptop, and the six-pack of hard cider that my wife thoughtfully provided, so here I am just more or less typing whatever ideas pop into my head.

My wife pointed out to me the other day that due to our move we went from having Obama as our Senator to having McCain. I find that mildly amusing, and am pretty sure that makes me qualified to be on a news program as a talking head discussing the election. Although it would probably make me overqualified for Fox. (Quick aside: Does anybody find it funny that the single most xenophobic news network is owned by a foreigner?)

In fact, I have decided that living in both states during the election has uniquely qualified me to solve the current bailout issue. For some reason. Which I will do tomorrow once I am sober. At the present all of my economic stabilization ideas seem to involve high powered sniper rifles, cannibalism and clowns.

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This time the list comes courtesy of Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children.  Which is probably the only time in your life you will see the word courtesy used in the same sentence as a reference to the USMC.

(Submitted by Dale Fox)

• I am not authorized to make a superhero costume out of garbage bags, duct tape, m-16 mags and a poncho liner and then chase down and tackle another company’s radio man during a FINEX.

• I am not allowed to cut my old cammies into a “combat thong” and run through the other platoons squad bay during a briefing

• It is also not OK to shake my money maker for the company gunny in the same thong

• I am not allowed to fling my own poo at those who throw skittles at me while I’m using a slit trench

• It is not OK to chok the company gunny’s tires just to see what happens

• I am not authorized to ambush the chow truck

• I am not allowed to defecate on the furniture of suspected insurgents to “send them a warning”

• I am not authorized to set off 55 pounds of UXO near the battalion FOB just to show that they don’t check the grids I give them

• My humvee is not a “stunt car”

• I am not authorized to paint 24 inch tall skulls on all the doors of my MAP team’s vehicles

• The phrase “nega hachi chachi” is not the correct response when your CO asks if you “see anything”

• “I’m rockin’ ” is not a proper response to the question “how are you doing” during my XO’s barracks inspection

• It is not OK to call “controlled det” on the radio after the fact

• Sporks in the hair are not acceptable ways to mark EPWs

• “Wag bag” is not the proper title of the SgtMaj, even if he is one

• It is not ok to fire warning shots at the Battalion commander’s convoy when they do not recognize our right of way

• I am not allowed to sink a case of chow mein MREs in the Euphrates and then leave a treasure map

• Semper gumby (always flexible) is not the proper response to officers giving me orders to undo what they told me to do in the first place

• I am not authorized to tip government vehicles on their sides during training to create a road block

• Humvees are not authorized to go on beer runs, especially not to a drive thru

• I am not authorized to practice my WWF moves on Iraqis

• I am not authorized to pillage due to my Viking roots

• Playing Pantera over loudspeakers after a firefight is not Psyops

• Our patrol is not a bunch of MAMs sabotaging the power station (even though battalion told the tanks we were)

• It is not OK to disregard the smallcraft instructors and go over the side “with style”

• Going to Big Muj island is not to be referred to as going on a 3 hours tour

• I am not authorized to publicly display my picks of who would play members of my chain of command in a movie

• Farting into the radio handset is not a proper response, even if you do say “over” after you do it

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Like I said, I can’t stand the way the media portrays us vampires. Oh sure, pure evil — that doesn’t bother me. I’d think that about anything that might eat me, and thus viewed me with the same contemptible objectification one holds for a plate of fish. I don’t mind that. It’s just — have some god damn consistency, will you?

Like, I saw this movie preview the other night. It’s about vampires that move about in the light of day, and they don’t like to drink human blood. The prefer to hunt animals in the woods because they’re too busy falling in love with the humans. I’m like, “Who’s leading that vampire clan, Count Chocula?”

The only story I’ve seen that came close to getting it right is “Dracula.” Sure, Stoker took some licenses with the idea, but he was dead on when it came to moving, banking, all the crushing bureaucracy of daily life. Bankers keep banker’s hours. They’ve long left the office by the time I’m up and about, so a vampire needs some agent just to run his errands for him. And considering the fortune one can build up over several lifetimes, old money, you might call it, it’s best to enslave a lawyer, which brings me to why I’m putting my stuff in storage in the first place. I got evicted!

I’ve moved around occasionally, and for various reasons. Sometimes, a nosy clergyman will learn too much. One time, a bunch of angry peasants burned my house down. I left India just because I didn’t like the way the people tasted. Call me a racist, but they eat too much curry.

Anyhow, I’ve done my fair share of moving, but this is the first time I’ve had to move because I was evicted.

I’m not even sure why I was renting. Everyone knows that if you can afford to buy a house, you buy a house so you can build equity. Renting is just flushing your money down the toilet.

I’m certain this is all the fault of my attorney, who’s gone missing.

That’s what I get for enslaving a public defender.

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I am now an Arizonian.  Driving cross country with a car full of animals was less fun than it sounds.  Adapting to the heat is a whole new experience.  Me and my wife are from Texas, so we thought we understood heat.  Hah.

Texas is merely warm.  Arizona is a sun-blasted hellscape.

So far we have an Internet connection, a card table and an air mattress but no other form of furniture as our movers have decided that we didn’t actually need any stuff until next week.

But my new job is completely awesome so it all works out.

I would also like to thank Michiel for taking over while I was unable to run the site.  And I would also like to thank all of the regulars who formed a revolt against him while I was away.  I want to see the final t-shirt design.  Or photos of the naked-alcohol-bonfire-trebuchet part.

I’ll have some stories about the trip once I get more settled.

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Bitch cheated on me while I was deployed. It sucks, but oh well, life goes on. It’s been two years now. I have a beautiful girlfriend, who, if she signs the pre-nup will become my beautiful fiance. (Screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me).

If there is two things that my cheating succubus gave me, aside from less than savory credit and an ample distrust of the opposite sex, is two wonderful precocious children. About 8 months after the split I was enjoying some quality time with my children at a waterpark. While on the lazy river with my 6 year old daughter, two beautiful young women engaged me in conversation.

My daughter, who wasn’t completely cool with dad talking to pretty young women, decided to have her say and made a sassy comment to one of the women. I just shook my head and said “she’s just like her mother.” My daughter quickly corrected me with: “DAD, I am not just like mom, I’m not tired of putting up with your crap yet.”

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OK, I knew there was supposed to be a post for Monday, but I forgot that it needs to be posted on SUNDAY night.

This running a blog is harder and more complicated than I thought. There’s like details and stuff to attend to. I’m not sure I was prepared for that.

In my defense, I am the actor manager at a new haunted house, here in Austin and we had our dress rehearsal/trial run on Saturday.

Sunday, I had to spend time with the woman, and we went out and got a microwave oven for our new place, as well as unpacked a few things and tried to straighten up the place a bit.

Seriously, I love you guys, but if I took any time at all, not being with the girlfriend and focusing on “us” for the day, the rest of my week would be a pain in the ass. She’s great, but she is still a woman, and they demand time if you want to keep the peace in your house. So, young dudes, there is a piece of advice… if your woman is getting cranky with you, spend some time doing couple stuff and then give her a good poke at the end of the night and your life will be much smoother.

But, I digress. I also started back at Apple again. So I am a happy man, as it is the best place I have ever worked, but I had to make sure I was ready for my first day, so I kinda forgot to make a post.

In short, I have had a lot of other crap on my mind.

Fortunately, there were a few late submissions of weird stuff found on the web, to save my bacon during this massive screw up on my part. My apologies to all of our readers and to Skippy, (may he be merciful to me upon his return).

So, here are the fresh links.

Sweet Sister Morphine has definitely gone above and beyond with the following submissions about giant man eating badgers, the official response about the giant man eating badgers, a story about a dwarf, his penis and a vacuum cleaner, and a high-speed chase with someone who definitely should not be driving.

And finally, David sent this link of photos of a house that is so nasty, you will never feel like you are a slob again. Seriously, crack houses are better maintained than this.

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Yesterdays post by me was just a test, to see who could follow instructions. And I would like to thank all of you who submitted items for todays posting. I will post them in the next entry, after this one.

But now that I know I have a strong contingent of followers, who will do as I command, it is time for me to decide whether I should raise an army or start my own religion.

If I were a peaceful man, I would raise an army, but I figure I can do more damage with a religion. Plus a religion will probably last longer than an army,too

At the moment we are just cult sized, and we all know that the only difference between a cult and a religion is numbers. If you don’t believe me, just ask a Scientologist or a Christian. They have been through this stage and eventually became full blown religions, with tax breaks and everything.

And on the third day, of the time with no Skippy, Pope Michiel commanded to reader and contributor alike, to go forth into the world and spread the word of the sacred List of Skippy, so that they may rejoice in its absurdities, and their lives will become full of meaning and purpose.

Pope Michiel spake, “Once we have shown enough people the joys of the sacred List, and they have joined us, Skippy will return once again, to show us… something of moderate importance.”

So go and witness to the unwashed masses and the washed ones too, (hygiene is not an issue since this is an internet site and we can not smell each other), of the difference that Skippy has made in your life. It does not matter how small the difference may be, or if it is something you would not even consider to be normally worth mentioning. Go. Spread the word of Skippy, and one day soon he will return to us.

If you wish to make offerings, I will set up a Paypal account, and for each dollar you give, I will absolve you of one sin. And based on what I know of you people, this should raise a LOT of money really fast.

Now, as a reward for your faithfulness, check out the submissions of random things found on the web by your fellow parishioners.

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Here is a fun little time sucker of a game. I recommend playing it at work with the volume down. (Thanks Andrew)

If you are at work, and are tired of dealing with customers, or looking for great ideas on how to deal with those “special” customers, you may want to check this one out. (Thanks R Salas)

For all you techy/help desk types you will appreciate this video. Seriously, this one hits the mark. (Thanks SGT William)

If your Friday feels incomplete, how about a little blasphemous fun to round out your day? And a second one in case the first wasn’t blasphemous enough for you. (Thanks Kelly)

Here is a video of someone trying desperately to win a Darwin Award, and his cousins encouraging him (Thanks scalexd)

A video submission for the gamers amongst us. I think we all can understand where Mario is coming from on this one. (Thanks Orrin)

Mark and Patty sent me two submissions. The first is a spiritual debate, of sorts. The second is cute yet somehow creepy too. (Thanks Mark and Patty)

For our men and women in the military, a short film about VD. (Thanks Mint Z)

And finally, the one actual email submission, that is not a link on the web. (Props to you for thinking out side the box). So I will post it below. ( Thanks gallisonc)

Misunderstanding terms

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.

For example, if you told Marines to “secure a building,” they would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

The Air Force would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy

Navy personnel they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

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I was thinking that yesterdays post may have been a bit harsh. I let my new found power go to my head.

I don’t need to be an ego-maniacal dictator just because Skippy is incommunicado. No, this should be a fun time for all of us.

It’s like having mom and dad out of the house. We have an entire website devoted to humor, all to ourselves.

And you know what that means…

PARTY!

Oh, hell ya! We are going to party like it is 1999, (because those were better times for damned near everyone). So lets go nuts.

As a one time offer, I want submissions from all of you for the “Found on the Internet” section that Skippy does when he has nothing else to blog about.

Send me your favorite website, or video, or photo, or chain letter, or political joke that you received in an email from your liberal or conservative asshat of an uncle, or anything else on the web that you think a bunch of other people on the internet, that you don’t even know, need to see on a Friday morning.

If you got something you want to share with the class, send it to me, here, and I’ll post the best on the site.

It’s like what Booger from ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ told Tom Cruise’ character in ‘Risky Business’, “Sometimes you have to say, what the fuck.”

Right now, I am blogging with no pants. Just my shirt and underwear and sliding my computer across the floor to Bob Segar music. (This would probably be cooler if the song was not , “Turn the Page”).

So lets get some booze, broads, guns and fire engines, maybe even a donkey, and invite a few thousand of our closest friends and post a bunch of weird crap to the site. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part, and we’re just the guys to do it.

LET’S DO IT!

And since we are talking parties, Lt. Ronald, in a brilliant stroke of synchronicity, actually submitted a post about parties… sort of. Enjoy.

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Has anyone seen this show? It’s on MTV, and its basic premise is a bunch of spoiled rich teen aged girls who are about to turn sixteen, and the demands that these brats put on their rich fathers.

The episode that I watched had a little bitch that wanted her father to rent out a mansion, not because they didn’t have a mansion of their own, but people had already been to their mansion, she wanted her party at a new mansion, when told that the mansion would cost 60,000$ for the night the father started to balk at the price. Seeing this, the daughter started throwing a temper tantrum to which the father looked mortified and quickly signed the lease.

That wasn’t as bad as her being pissed that R. Kelly was the entertainment for the night versus Julio Iglasias whom she wanted. Too bad R. Kelly didn’t do to her what he does to other teenagers.

Daddy made it up to her though by getting her a new Lexus convertible. She made it clear to everyone at home by telling them “Daddy Loves me.”

All I could think as I watched this was “Dooooooeeeeeesssssss heeeeeeeeeeee? Well then maybe he’d pay a nice ransom.”

I could see it now, sending him her toes wrapped in wax paper, maybe some pictures of her being sodomized by a hobo off the street (after all tears make the best lubricant).

I don’t know what is more wrong;

A. That there are people out there who are actually like that.

B. That MTV shows us these people.

C. That watching that shit makes me think of committing felonies.

D. That Paris Hilton and Nichole Ritchie haven’t had those felonies committed against them.

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