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The Vampire Rants, Part III

September 26th, 2008 by todd merriman

Like I said, I can’t stand the way the media portrays us vampires. Oh sure, pure evil — that doesn’t bother me. I’d think that about anything that might eat me, and thus viewed me with the same contemptible objectification one holds for a plate of fish. I don’t mind that. It’s just — have some god damn consistency, will you?

Like, I saw this movie preview the other night. It’s about vampires that move about in the light of day, and they don’t like to drink human blood. The prefer to hunt animals in the woods because they’re too busy falling in love with the humans. I’m like, “Who’s leading that vampire clan, Count Chocula?”

The only story I’ve seen that came close to getting it right is “Dracula.” Sure, Stoker took some licenses with the idea, but he was dead on when it came to moving, banking, all the crushing bureaucracy of daily life. Bankers keep banker’s hours. They’ve long left the office by the time I’m up and about, so a vampire needs some agent just to run his errands for him. And considering the fortune one can build up over several lifetimes, old money, you might call it, it’s best to enslave a lawyer, which brings me to why I’m putting my stuff in storage in the first place. I got evicted!

I’ve moved around occasionally, and for various reasons. Sometimes, a nosy clergyman will learn too much. One time, a bunch of angry peasants burned my house down. I left India just because I didn’t like the way the people tasted. Call me a racist, but they eat too much curry.

Anyhow, I’ve done my fair share of moving, but this is the first time I’ve had to move because I was evicted.

I’m not even sure why I was renting. Everyone knows that if you can afford to buy a house, you buy a house so you can build equity. Renting is just flushing your money down the toilet.

I’m certain this is all the fault of my attorney, who’s gone missing.

That’s what I get for enslaving a public defender.

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11 Responses to “The Vampire Rants, Part III”

  1. Caine Says:

    Mesmerize a landlord. Free rent. =)


  2. Minty Says:

    What, no corporate sharks? I guess even vampires have standards.


  3. Matt Says:

    Wow, for a second there, I thought I was in the aporia ARG forum, and not reading some skippy’s list… I’ve been dealing with way too much in that ‘vein’ lately…

    Captcha: Walbridge Barton: The next firm the govt is going to have to bail out…


  4. TheShadowCat Says:

    I think I’m going to start eating more curry.


    Schwal reply on September 27th, 2008 3:58 am:

    That is the single greatest response i have ever heard.


    TheShadowCat reply on September 27th, 2008 4:15 am:

    Thank you.


  5. GunRunner Says:

    Heard vampires don’t like clowns either…claim they taste funny.


  6. GraveOne Says:

    curry… ok… quick question for Mr Lord Vampire…
    Did you work a couple of centuries ago??? Do you get fake documnets every 50 or so years?

    ok ok nice stuff love the text XD


  7. Snyarhedir Says:

    I do know of types of vampires that tolerate sunlight and derive their sustenance from normal sources but do not meet the other Meyer criteria. Actually, there are enough of them around so that they can court eachother rather than humans. There are good ones and evil ones, and neither responds to holy water or anything like that. In fact, the human appearance is just one of the several forms that they, like Dracula, can assume. Their true form is human-like but with almost reptilian skin and a perfect, unisex body shape, with “abnormally-colored” eyes, not to mention being considerably taller than humans. (Okay, so these are vampires after the design I have devised, but I guarantee that I cannot have been the only one to come up with it.)


    Snyarhedir reply on April 4th, 2011 12:48 am:

    I almost forgot to mention: some of them will have less human-like true forms, like being closer to bats, lizards or other non-human animals in appearance. (This supports the idea that the goatsucker (chupacabra) is a type of vampire.)


  8. Snyarhedir Says:

    On another note, you should try learning a spell or other sort of power for fireproofing your dwelling of choice.


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