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Archive for the ‘Weee! Alchohol is fun!’ Category

Music I Want To Hear

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

Due to increased activity in the home, I haven’t had the time or inclination to sit down and write like I usually do.  And so as I sit here staring at a blank screen, getting a nice buzz on, I have decided to just write down a list of non-existent music that I want to hear.

I kind of have a thing for music that is played in an incorrect genre.  By that  mean a metal song, done in a  polka style, or a a rap song done as country.  I’m not sure how easy it was to find this sort of music before the internet existed, but I have managed to find quite a bit of it in the past few years.  I own an album called Punk Side Story.  I have another album which is Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”, done as bluegrass.


Why Flyboys and Jarheads shouldn’t get along

Monday, May 4th, 2009

OK, for all you jar-heads out there I only have 5 words for you…

“I Can’t Feel My Face!”

If you are a Marine and smacked your computer screen, it’s OK. If you are not a marine, never was a marine, and never will be a marine… What the hell were you thinking?!?

Recently I was fortunate enough to be sent to Florida for some advanced career training for the military. This is a joint training course involving all four major branches of the military as well as several foreign militaries. I was fortunate enough to end up with the marines. Now anyone who has gone TDY with marines know, if you are going to drink, take a marine. First of all, they are among the best brawlers in the US and will cover your butt should a brawl break out. Second of all, they know the best bar games. I was introduced to one called, “I can’t feel my face.”


The Cool Things Always Happen After I Move

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

So according to the news a few weeks ago there was a zombie outbreak in Texas.


Which was followed a little while later by a velociraptor attack in Illinois.


I will now explain how this is the worst possible combination of things that could happen.


With Apologies to Boots Randolph

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

10 inappropriate uses of Yakety Sax.

The internet should really be ashamed of itself.


Just A Quick Note

Wednesday, December 10th, 2008

I’m not going to pretend that I have even partial justification for my actions.

But it’s amazing what you can get away with when you have a sock puppet.

Skippy Solves The Financial Crisis

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008

Now that I am sober I have given some thought to my idea for fixing the bailout issue that our country is currently facing.

In perhaps overly-simplistic terms, people are afraid that if our financial institutions do not get access to liquid capital they will fold, which could take a large chunk of the economy down with it, triggering a new Great Depression.

But if our government hands over a big wad of cash to these troubled institutions, then we are in essence condoning the shortsighted greed of the men who created the problems in the first place.  Hell we’d be rewarding it.  At the cost of massive tax increases and/or a huge spike in the deficit.  And spending money that wasn’t there is how we got into this mess in the first place.

And so I have come up with what I will now call “The Skippy Plan”.

Step One: Identify every financial institution that took part in the shady real-estate loan business that got us into this mess.

Step Two: Commandeer a skyscraper.  One that is basically all window across every exterior surface.  Remove all non-load bearing walls from the interior of the skyscraper.  This essentially makes it a big tall building that you can see through.

Step Three: Stock the building with every piece of kitchen equipment you can think of, but nothing edible.

Step Four:  Arrest every board member and corporate officer from Step One.  Arrest every board member and corporate officer that served during the real estate bubble.  Arrest all lobbyists that worked for these companies during that time period as well.

Step Five:  Dress them as clowns.  Because if you are foolish enough to play thermonuclear hot potato with the US economy, you are going to look the part dammit.

Use the different types of make-up, costumes and accessories to mark which bank the clown belongs too.  For instance bankers associated with Fannie May could look like sad hobo clowns, while those with Freddy Mac could be dressed in motley.

Step Six: Lock all of them inside the the newly remolded “Economic Summit Gulag”.  Nobody leaves until we have a workable solution to bail out the economy.  No matter how long it takes.  And they can’t use public money to do it.  But they are more than welcome to dip into their own savings if the are overcome with community spirit.

To encourage them to really set aside their differences, and apply themselves as never before, every 12 hours that passes without a solution will result in a culling.

During the culls American citizens who are willing to do their part to help fix the economy will set up in buildings adjacent to the Gulag and open fire on the investment geniuses inside.

After a few days of dodging sniper fire and having nothing to eat but investment banker tartar I’m sure that the finest minds in finance will be suitably inspired to find a solution to the mess they made.

And just to make sure that we have all of our bases covered, we can turn this into a money-making venture at the same time.  I mean, it’s entirely possible that they broke things too much to fix on their own.  In that case we might need a way to raise $700 billion fast.

The membership in the incentive squads could be made dependent upon a modest tax-deductible donation to the economic recovery fund.  We could let citizens at home call a 900 number to vote on which set of clowns will be considered valid targets.  We could set up cameras inside and sell the feed as pay-per-view.  I’m sure that the production companies behind the current glut of reality TV could come up with a way to turn this into a gold mine.  We could even get some corporate sponsorship involved here: “This culling of Bear Stearns executives is brought to you by ‘Build-a-Bear’.”

And no matter how it turns out we should mount the remains of the partially devoured clowns onto pikes, and place them on the campuses of prominent MBA programs with a placard that reads “Behold the terrible price of fiduciary misconduct!”

We just might end up with a few less clowns recking our economy.

Packed In

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

(Post by skippy. Typos by alcohol.)

So as regular readers have already figured out, I have just moved from Illinois to Arizona, due to a really good job offer. The downside to all of this is shipping everything across the country on short notice, as well as prepping my house for sake. And naturally our movers got “unfortunately delayed”. Which I’m pretty sure is mover talk for, “Screw it, we’ve got all of your stuff, and you have to pay us to get it back, so well just show up whenever we feel like it. If this displeases you, please feel free to suck a bag of dicks.”

While I was at work today the movers finally did show up. I was pleased by this turn of events as I was tired of sleeping on an air mattress and using a card tbale as a computer desk.

On related note, my house in IL was significantly larger than the small place that I am renting now. Physics being the stone cold bitch that she is, this has caused a bit of a bottleneck in the unpacking department. This means my computer is now boxed in by some assembled shelving, a mattress and some sort of lamp/tree thing that I am not entirely sure that we started with.

In order to move the things blocking my computer, I’d have to clear out another area, and find a place for that stuff. Remember those sliding tile puzzles where you have to push the little squares around until the picture is assembled? That’s pretty much what I have going on right now. And since I had to work late tonight , I was way too tired to want to take part in a Tetris LARP.

All of this has been me taking the long way around to tell you that I had a funny story already prepared, and now I can’t get to it. I can however get to my laptop, and the six-pack of hard cider that my wife thoughtfully provided, so here I am just more or less typing whatever ideas pop into my head.

My wife pointed out to me the other day that due to our move we went from having Obama as our Senator to having McCain. I find that mildly amusing, and am pretty sure that makes me qualified to be on a news program as a talking head discussing the election. Although it would probably make me overqualified for Fox. (Quick aside: Does anybody find it funny that the single most xenophobic news network is owned by a foreigner?)

In fact, I have decided that living in both states during the election has uniquely qualified me to solve the current bailout issue. For some reason. Which I will do tomorrow once I am sober. At the present all of my economic stabilization ideas seem to involve high powered sniper rifles, cannibalism and clowns.

Just Pretend I Wrote A Clever Title

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

Well it’s been a rough week, and none of my regular contributers have submitted anything. Send them angry email until they repent. Stalk them at their place of work. Crucify them upon the Tree of Woe. They shall pay for this transgression, and the coin shall be the anguished tears of those that they love most! All shall be swept away on a tide of blood, despair, and waffles.

But to be fair, these will be some awesome waffles.

Um yeah, anyhow….

In the meantime, please enjoy this joke sent in by Michael Grafton.

An old gunnery sergeant is at a civilian affair, in full uniform, when a cute young thing comes up to him.

“Why are you so serious?”

“War is a serious business, Ma’am.”

“Well, you need to loosen up. When was the last time you made love?”

“1955 ma’am.”

“1955! Well, I think its time to get you back in the saddle and get you straightened out.”

So they go to a back room and “loosen up” a couple times.

Afterward, she sighs and rests her head on his chest. “You sure haven’t forgotten anything since that last time…”

“Well, ma’am, I should hope not. Its only 2130 now…”