I have been absent, ed except for the occasional smart ass comment [beats being a dumbass] because I have been “deployed.” This delay makes my nom du skippyslist, “Speed,” a bit of a lie, but unavoidable.
I have to use quotation marks because I have been sent to the wilds in the good ole USA, to teach bright eyed, naïve, young soldiers an MOS. Somewhere, someone, no doubt a sadistic bastard that I once knew, decided that I had something to offer the new troops. So I’m an instructor.
Prior to this I thought that the BS threshold in the army was too low, but have found out that the cadre/command element in a US Army school are so damned bored that they have to invent ways to mess with the instructors.
I say mess with the instructors because they area limited to what they can do to the students any more, that “harassment” line is clear, well defined, and much closer than it was when I went to an AIT school.
I have received some sort of behavioral counseling about every other month or so – negative counseling the in army vernacular – and get the verbal type every week. I guess there are still some things that senior NCOs aren’t allowed to do.
I have compiled a list of more things that I cannot do from the past six months, and it should give you an idea of why such counseling has been deemed necessary.
1. Not allowed to call the “Foxtrot” class “Foxtards.”
2. When the Foxtrot instructors put down my MOS, not allowed to reply, “But it’s way better than being a ‘Foxtard.’”
3. Artillery is the King of Battle, and the Infantry is the Queen of Battle, not the “Bitches of Battle.”
4. Not allowed to call air assets the “Pimps of Battle.”
5. Air assets support the ground assets, not allowed to say they are “Stylin’ and Profilin.’”
6. A kinetic strike is not a “bitch slap on the enemy.”
7. The Chief is the “Course Manager,” NOT the “Course Micro Manager.”
8. When the chief announces a pop-up meeting during lunch, the proper reply is, “Yes, Chief,” and not, “Aw hell, not again!”
9. Not allowed to call “Emergency planning meetings,” “Pop-up meetings.”
10. When the Chief asks if there any questions at the end of the meeting that just ate up our lunch time, not allowed to ask, “Could someone just kill me?”
11. The Chief is NOT 157 years old, so stop saying that!
12. The NCOIC is not “The Dude.”
13. Not allowed to tell the students that the first person to call the NCOIC “The Dude” that day is an automatic “Go” for the day.
14. When I sit there muttering, ‘Every fucking time…” during a pop-up meeting and when she asks me what I just said, I’m not allowed to say, “Hey Chief, I said I like what you’ve done with your hair,”– I’m “not fooling anyone.”
15. Not allowed to say that the Chief takes two hours after PT to clean up, but 90 minutes is for her hair.
16. Not allowed to insert zombie clown pics into the “Official Army Training Slides,” on Powerpoint of course, as it detracts from the class. Even if that young female sergeant runs from the class shrieking every time.
17. When I am the “Assistant Instructor” for any block of instruction, I must support the lead instructor, and not sit in the back of the class playing the “Pocket Tank Battle” game on the main server with another instructor – I RULE Pocket Tanks!!!
18. On the slide titled “Questions?” not allowed to insert, “Question authority: go ahead, ask me anything.”
19. I’m supposed to open each class with the proper “motivator” and not use, “Welcome to the wonderful world of….” each and every time.
20. When another instructor says that they are going to do some PT, not allowed to say, “Could you bring me a doughnut back when you finish up at Dunkin’s?”
21. At the end of the 45 minute S-6 [communications] brief where all of the slides showed what she could NOT do, not allowed to ask the communications specialist, “So what can you do?”
22. Not allowed to offer to show S-6 how to do her job.
23. Not allowed to say, “You know, it is the 21st century…” to the S-6 after she says she doesn’t know much about computers.
24. When I am told to move my car at 0900 because it is in the Supply Sergeant’s parking space, not allowed to say, “Well, if he got here on time, this wouldn’t be an issue.”
25. Not allowed to remind the 1st Sergeant that, according to DA policy, the only reserved parking spots on base are those for the base commander and the handicapped spaces; all others are illegal. And no, he is not interested in seeing it in print.
26. When the course micro manager says that there are “no stupid questions,” I’m not allowed to say, “Do stupid people automatically become smart when they have a question?”
27. When students ask me the generic computer password so that they can login, I must tell them or point to where it is posted on the wall and not tell them, “One, two, three, four,” because they will enter it in again, again, and again, until they totally lock up that work station and need an administrator to unlock it. That is also not the S-6’s job so do not submit a work order number to her.
28. Not allowed to ask the S-6 why the generic password isn’t one, two, three, four if there are no password conventions on the computers.
29. When the instructor that knows a lot about computers is asked to go help the S-6 do her job, not allowed to ask him if he submitted a work order number to allow him to do so.
30. When other instructors ask me why I have to be taped – I’m a couple of pounds over the anorexic weight limit – not allowed to say, “Because I’m a fat bastard.”
31. When I am complimented on how loose my pants are, I am not allowed to say, “Just buy the next bigger size, that’s what I do.”
32. When offered a jelly-roll, I shouldn’t say, “I can’t do that, that would be cannibalism!”
33. When other instructors get worried about a student failing the course, I shouldn’t tell them, “You know, the army needs cooks and drivers too.”
34. The GSA van is NOT the short bus, and I need to stop calling it that.
35. Just because the Chief drives the short bus van a lot, I shouldn’t say that she could roll into a job driving the short bus.
36. When I am asked if I am prepared to teach my class today and I answer “Yes,” I am not allowed to turn to another instructor and say, “Quick, what am I teaching today?”
37. When anyone talks about their re-enlistment bonus, not allowed to say, “All I ever got was this belt buckle,” an oval bronze buckle that US ARMY in raised letters.
38. Sigh. Not allowed to wear unauthorized belt buckles with the uniform, even if it’s all I ever got instead of a damned bonus due to “paper work” mistakes by those id-10-ts over in finance.
39. Not allowed to complain that being “Indef” robs me of ever getting a bonus.
40. When notified that the S-6 is being transferred to a new unit, not allowed to say, “Good, now maybe we’ll get someone who knows how to do the job.”
41. When the question is put out on how we can get the Mikes to attend “fun” training, I’m not allowed to say, “Just tell them we have some goats for their pleasure.”
42. There is no web site called “fourmikesandagoat.com” so stop saying that there is.
43. “Mike students used DIFAC trays as sleds one time, ONE TIME, so stop talking about it!” Heh-heh-heh.
44. Just because the DA civilian said that he does not trust us instructors, I am not allowed to speculate out loud during his staff meeting if that negates my clearance.
45. Not allowed to say that my temp profile is a “breath only profile,” it’s a no exercise, no walk, no prolonged standing profile. I tore my knee cartilage again.
46. Not allowed to ask if seating will be provided when I have to attend mandatory physical training.
47. Not allowed to sit on a bench behind the PT formation, doing isometrics, grimacing and saying “Feel the burn!”
48. Not allowed to take my pulse and complain about the high tempo of training, while sitting behind the PT formation.
49. Not allowed to complain that “I need drugs!” every time my knee hurts – cheap bastards won’t give me any!
50. “My kingdom for a percoset!” is not in Shakespeare, so stop quoting it.
51. When others make observations about the big navy and air force women that work across the street, it could be an EEO complaint when I say, “Even big women need some lovin’”.
52. When the Chief asks what a “hot LZ” is, not allowed to tell her “Jay-Z’s little brother.”
53. Not allowed to tell Chief that the latest “Hot LZ” concert was reported in yahoo news last week.
54. Not allowed to tell Chief to keep searching when she can’t find anything on “Hot LZ.” – “Have you checked google?”
55. After the new S-6 loaded Vista on our computers, not allowed to tell Chief that her icons are so big because she’s 157 years old and old folks can’t see so well.
56. When the network is down and the Chief can’t print her latest memo, not allowed to tell her that you have to reload print drivers every day for Vista.
57. When the Chief still can’t print, not allowed to tell her that you have to remap printers every day on Vista.
58. Even though I am on Vicodin, I shouldn’t tell the students that I’m on drugs. Yep, I finally got drugs.
59. Not allowed to describe the hot new intern at physical therapy as “Stacked and Packed!” The highlight of my day.
60. When congratulated on my weight loss, I lost 40 lb.s, not allowed to say, “I got a tape worm at the Dining Facility.”
61. I can say that the Dining Facility food is “delicious and nutritious,” but I have to sound like I really mean it, and keep the sarcasm out of my voice.
62. When asked about my weight loss program, not allowed to begin with, “First you have some knee surgery…”
63. Not allowed to mention, hint, or call attention to the Diet Dew commercial with the attacking ferret –hockey mask, chain saw – while nodding my head toward the Chief.
64. For the impending move to another school building, not allowed to offer to carry throw pillows and reading lamps.
65. Not allowed to speculate out loud, “I wonder, do they remove your sense of humor at Warrant School?”
66. When I lose my train of thought in front of a class, not allowed to suddenly look in another direction and say, “Squirrel!”
67. After pulling Staff Duty and the comment is made about the lack of incidents in the log, not allowed to say, “Maybe I should have turned on the cell phone?”