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Archive for August 13th, 2010

Horrible Things In My Head

Friday, August 13th, 2010

So I’ve spent a bit more time than I should be comfortable admitting to thinking about the sex lives of children’s performers lately.

Lately my children have developed enough to start forming their own opinions on entertainment. So now my wife and I have started doing some experimentation with different things to see what they like. So our house is currently coated in a thin layer of toys and books. And we even tried out some children’s TV programs.

After viewing a few different shows, we discovered that the kids really seem to enjoy The Wiggles.  For those of you who don’t have small children, this is a musical group that consist of four improbably cheerful Australian men.  They do all of these ridiculously catchy, and somewhat educational songs.  If you watch an episode, you will wind up with a tune or two floating around your brain for the rest of the night.  As children’s shows go, this one isn’t too bad.  At least my kids didn’t fixate on Thomas the Train, or Blue’s Clues, both of which are just painful to witness.

So my wife and I find ourselves inadvertently to be fans of this musical group from Down Under.  It struck me as prudent to look up information about these guys since my kids were so into them, and I discovered that they actually do worldwide tours fairly regularly.  Incredibly lucrative tours that frequently sell out.  These guys are rock stars for the pre-schoolers.

And so I began to think on this.  When I was younger, I inadvertently learned one odd quirk about how the human female mind works.  The part of women’s brains that go, “Aww that guy is good with kids. I find that sweet.”  is evidently right next to the part that goes “I am going to bonk the hell out of that guy”.  From a purely biological standpoint this makes sense I guess.  I figure the internal logic is something along the lines: “Hey that guy can handle kids well.  I should totally let him do things to me that may result in some of those.”

So the Wiggles go on these tours, where hordes of parents, usually youngish women show up.  Women whose sex lives have probably taken a turn for the worse lately since they now have young children.  And they see that these guys not only have the near superpower of being awesome with kids, they are also in a band.

Human nature being what it is, I am pretty sure that this group is pretty much swimming in groupies.  I’m talking Elvis at his prime  levels of groupiedom.  It’s like the Wiggles are a Pakistani coastal village, and there is a Tsunami made up of horny MILFs about to wash over  them.

Most men would actually have trouble conceiving of the kind of action that these blokes have tossed their way on a regular basis.  These guys are probably fielding so many proposals that things that would seem like the wildest of fantasies to you and me are just boring and pedestrian to them.

Horny Fan:  “Anthony Wiggle! Me and my two hot friends want to come to your hotel room and take turns with you all day!”

Anthony Wiggles: “Okay, but what’s in it for me?”

Horny Fan: “But…We thought…we’d kind of hoped…that  you’d be excited about this…”

Anthony Wiggles: “Look lady, I can see how for you, a Menage a Quatre with one of the Wiggles is the wildest thing you have ever tried.  But for me it’s just…Tuesday afternoon.”

These guys have probably already gotten bored with the sort of freaky sexual escapades the rest of us have only dreamed of.  Hell, to get them interested now, someone would probably have to go pretty darned far out of what most people would consider their comfort zone.

Like all children’s performers, occasionally they have kids up on the stage singing and dancing with them.  And I am pretty sure that the Wiggles extract a freakish sexual price from the mothers that want their kids in the spotlight.

Show Mom:  “So…I wear this outfit and do whatever Jeffy wants, and my little Melissa get’s to sing on stage?”

Seedy Stage Manager: “That’s the deal lady.”

Show Mom:”But… this outfit is just a bridle and a butt-plug with a horse tail on it.”

Seedy Stage Manager: “Jeffy Wiggles likes ponies. What’s the problem?”

Show Mom: “Well I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with this.”

Seedy Stage Manager: “Look lady, do you want your daughter to sing the Self Esteem song or not?”