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Rules of the road now that you’re wife/girlfriend is pregnant:

September 17th, 2009 by skippy

Bonus list.  Because I spent all day doing math homework instead of writing.

Rules of the road now that you’re wife/girlfriend is pregnant:

(Submitted by TheShadowCat)

  1. Never argue with a pregnant woman. This will lead to a lot of pain. Emotional for her and possibly physical for you.
  2. Never point out bloated body parts or stretch marks on her unless you know how to duck and cover very well.
  3. Don’t make comments about weight gain unless you want to have a vasectomy done with a carving knife.
  4. If she makes a comment about any of these issues, tell her she’s beautiful. You might want to practice this a few times out loud and in front of a mirror so you can say it with a straight face and with some form of sincerity in your voice.
  5. Never argue with a pregnant woman.
  6. Don’t be surprised if your standard red meat ‘n’ potatoes dinner is suddenly usurped by fresh veggies, whole grains and lean cuts of meat.
  7. If you must make a comment about the fact that the woman who’s carrying your spawn into this world is sweating like an unworked horse, tell her that she’s glowing. To tell her otherwise would be…unwise.
  8. Be prepared to be asked for your opinion on how the baby’s room should be decorated and try not to act too surprised when it is promptly ignored.
  9. Same goes for baby names.
  10. Get ready for some really strange food cravings and be prepared to go get said food. I don’t care if it is 2:41 in the morning, get your sorry ass out of that bed and go and get it. NOW, MISTER!!!
  11. If you smoke and she doesn’t, don’t be surprised if you and your cancer sticks are banned from the house. No, she really doesn’t care if it’s 12 degrees outside with a wind chill factor of -10, you’re not smoking around the baby.
  12. Never, EVER, argue with a pregnant woman.
  13. Nesting will become a fact of life. When she decides it’s time to move the furniture, you can either help or be sleeping on the couch that you refused to move because the game was on.
  14. Think you can handle gore? Think again. You will be forced to watch birthing videos until you’re wondering if it’s too late to enlist (or re-enlist) and be shipped overseas at least until after the baby comes.
  15. Babies are very expensive and the baby product industry is inundated with products, some you need, most you don’t. Take an experienced parent (one with kids well out of diapers, but not so far out of diapers that they’re thinking about grandkids) to the baby store and let him/her help you pick out what you really need for your registry. This will save you time and money. Do not follow the store’s recommendation. They’re there to separate you from your money and if the kid(s) gets some benefit out of it, goody for them.
  16. Make a birthing plan for the nurses/doctor and then promptly forget to give it to them. It’s not like they’re going to look at it anyways.
  17. Foot massages and back rubs will earn you brownie points.
  18. Bringing over the guys for an unexpected night of poker or ball game watching and expecting her to cater to you and your friends will earn you a night on the couch. If you’re lucky.
  19. Unless you are a world class sprinter, never assume that you can outrun an angry pregnant woman. It won’t end well.
  20. Don’t make comments about your wife’s/girlfriend’s sanity where she can hear you…see #19.
  21. Never stand between a pregnant woman and food or a bathroom…unless you enjoy being trampled.
  22. Learning to cook and clean will go a long way in making your woman happy. And you want to make your woman happy. Right? I said RIGHT!?
  23. You like to drive? Not any more. It’s physically easier on a pregnant woman if she drives. However, don’t expect to get the car keys back once the baby comes. After all, you drive like a maniac and no, it really doesn’t matter that she has more traffic violations than you do.
  24. Sex. A pregnant woman’s desire for sex during pregnancy can be anywhere from wanton minx to celibate nun. If you get any, count yourself lucky.
  25. Did I mention not arguing with a pregnant woman?

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31 Responses to “Rules of the road now that you’re wife/girlfriend is pregnant:”

  1. Janice Says:

    Hehe nice list.

    I actually stopped driving though. I’m a short woman with a large tummy that bumps right up against the steering wheel. Being pregnant with twins meant I had to stop driving fairly early into the pregnancy.

    Guess who gets to take me everywhere? Much to his, er…delight…

    Reply

    Tim Covington reply on September 18th, 2009 5:58 am:

    I already drive my wife everywhere (since she hates driving in the Dallas area).

    Reply

  2. Former Spc. 19K Says:

    aaah, words of wisdom for the ages.
    however have you managed not to have a book out?

    Reply

  3. SKD Says:

    No one takes my keys. If my wife wants to drive she has her own vehicle.

    Captche “cockier Gilligan”- Didn’t know that angry pregnant women can far exceed the speed of an angry Skipper

    Reply

  4. Anonymous and STILL Employed Says:

    Good advice.
    I’ve known most of these or slight variants on them since I was a kid. I’m the oldest of – well, let’s just say I lived through a lot of pregnancies in our house. I feel you need to add a few important ones for the kids.

    1 Do what your told
    2 No whining
    3 No criticising whatever food you’re given
    4 Even if it was just meant as an observation
    5 If you get shouted at for something that wasn’t your fault, just roll with it
    6 Do as your told

    Those are all I can remember right now, but there are dozens more

    Reply

  5. lukazaz Says:

    yeah I have 2 girls (13 month old and a 1 month old) and will say it since no one has…

    do not let your laptop unattended for more than 30 sec
    1 your wife/girlfriend will take it
    2 baby’s tend to drool….

    once your kid can walk/run NOTHING IS SAFE AND I MEAN NOTHING!!!!!!!

    Captcha; grownup 78 wait but Im 23?!?!!?

    Reply

    TheShadowCat reply on September 20th, 2009 8:49 am:

    We call our boys The Randomizers because things tend to get randomly rearranged in the house.

    CAPTCHA – despises Lillian – Why would I dispise Lillian? I don’t even know her.

    Reply

  6. Kat Says:

    My husband learned a few things (I think)
    1. Making comments about the puking sound coming from the bathroom will get you banned from the bedroom.
    2. ANY smell will make the wife puke, including but not limited too, the aroma of cooking meat, dry cat food, cooking spices, the Asian food from the apartment next door, the Indian food from the apartment underneath us.
    3. If your wife has puked so much that she’s actually losing weight, don’t complain about her being bony. She’s still beautiful

    Also, here are the nessecities of baby-life. A carseat, a moby-wrap/baby sling. Everything else is optional. We co-slept my daughter most of her first year (although we had a crib). You may want bottles and stuff, breastfeeding twins is difficult (but not impossible).

    Reply

    Sabra reply on September 18th, 2009 3:15 pm:

    You make a good point about the stuff you don’t need. This goes double when breastfeeding. Note for that you need a baby and a breast, and nothing else. Now that it’s becoming expected, there’s eleventy billion things Babies R Us will tell you you need (don’t get me started on the covers) to nurse successfully. And you don’t.

    Reply

    TheShadowCat reply on September 20th, 2009 8:51 am:

    Ok, diapers are pretty nice to have too.

    Reply

  7. Anna Says:

    My friend just had her baby about a month and a half ago and she says that the cloth diapers with the plastic outside that you can just take off and flush them in the toilet then wash are a God-send the first little while and they save you a bundle in diaper costs, even if you do have to wash them. Good Luck!

    Reply

  8. Icehawk Says:

    I’m pretty sure that #15 applies to most other types of consumer goods industries as well…

    Reply

  9. Minty Says:

    I might have told this story before–I can’t remember–anyway, in reference to #23:

    It’s 1949. My grandmother, all 4’11″ of her, is eight months’ pregnant with my mom. My grandfather, brilliant engineer that he is, decides this would be the perfect time to teach her how to drive. The car? No one can remember, but be assured it was a big one.

    My grandmother always winds this story up with, “it was the only time I ever seriously considered divorcing him.”

    Reply

  10. Timbo Says:

    All you need to do is repeat these seven words to your wife (pregnant of not) and everything will be fine:
    “Yes Dear, Sorry Dear, right away, Dear.”

    See how easy it is to have a good marriage?

    Reply

  11. Matt Says:

    And, if you make a smart ass comment, and she turns towards you with chef’s knife in hand and a glint in her eye… Run, run like the wind, run like the very devil is after you…

    You can sort out if she was just putting dishes away or not, later. Discretion is the better part of valor.

    Reply

  12. paula Says:

    A thought for Janice, AKA Mrs. Skippy:

    My parents were born in the 1920s; my mother was the youngest of twelve kids, and my father was one of nine: be very, very glad that nowadays, what with TV and the internet, there are other things to do to amuse yorself……

    captcha: norad times — what Skippy’s life will be like if he forgets this list!

    Reply

  13. Captain Scurvy Says:

    My art teacher was pregnant in my sophmore year of high school and she delivered that summer. One random day of my junior year she was putting on some sort of chapstick-without-the-stick medicine from a small tub.
    I asked her what brand she was using (I’ve always suffered from chapped lips) and she told me it was medicine designed to stop a breastfeeding mother’s nipples from chapping. I very rapidly decided not to ask where she bought it from.

    Captcha: Tlmer snaky, when a pregnant woman says these words, don’t ask what they mean, just run.

    Reply

  14. Justjill Says:

    Keep the complaints about your aches and pains to yourself.
    Remove the phrase “I know how you feel.” from your vocabulary.
    Never, ever tell a pregnant woman that your back hurts.

    Reply

    TheShadowCat reply on September 29th, 2009 7:36 am:

    There is/was a show on The Learning Channel called A Baby Story where they follow an expecting couple around for the last couple weeks of the woman’s pregnancy, the birth and then a follow up a couple weeks after the baby is born. One episode they had a couple where the husband is/was a radio host. It’s seems hubby was making comments about the noises his wife makes when she got up off the couch, out of a chair or out of bed. So the guy’s co-host strapped a 20 pound bag of sugar to the guy’s front using duct tape, had him lay down on the floor and then made him get up on his own.

    Co-host: What did you learn?

    Host: That I made the same noises my wife does when she gets up.

    Co-host: Are you ever going to tease your wife about those noises again?

    Host: I’m never, ever going to tease my wife about the noises she makes ever again.

    That was the one show I really remember.

    Reply

  15. AFP Says:

    Now I’m reimagining the intro scene of the Star Trek movie.

    “GEORGE!! YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOU GET YOUR SKINNY ASS IN THE SHUTTLE NOW, MISTER!”

    Reply

  16. Gunrunner Says:

    25 perfectly good reasons for letting the human race barrel headlong toward extinction. Too many people on the planet already.

    Captcha = caroming 10 – now looking for # 11

    Reply

  17. Speed Says:

    #23 about dat – that’s how I lost my XLT Expedition. I still get to wash it and do maint, so all’s not lost.

    Reply

  18. Kirstie Says:

    Love the list! I’m actually sending it to my husband with a few additions:

    1. NEVER tell your pregnant wife how tired you are.
    2. NEVER tell your pregnant wife to “Shut up, woman.” Hubby suffered the consequences of that one last night.
    3. The pregnant lady is ALWAYS right.
    4. If you need to “pass gas”, DO IT OUTSIDE OR IN THE BATHROOM!!!
    5. DO NOT COOK FISH!

    How dense can a man be?

    Reply

    Bailey reply on April 27th, 2011 10:31 pm:

    Kirstie:
    AMEN TO THE FART THING. My boyfriend farted once when I got up to go pee, when I came back into the room it was the most foul thing I have ever smelled, I actually threw up. I couldnt believe that he had let that go….

    To Skippy I love your list it made me laugh. I think guys could learn a lot if they would take time to read this XD

    Reply

    Ash reply on October 5th, 2011 1:55 pm:

    My hubby thought it would be funny to come into the bathroom while I was showering and very pregnant with our daughter, stick his backside in the shower and let one go. I threw up on him… and made him sleep in the baby’s room on the floor. He didn’t think it was so funny after that.

    Reply

    TheShadowCat reply on October 5th, 2011 6:41 pm:

    Good for you! What is it with men and passing gas?

  19. VonZorch Says:

    Addedun to 19.
    It doesn’t matter if you can outrun her, she knows where you live.

    Reply

    TheShadowCat reply on July 31st, 2012 4:40 pm:

    And where you sleep. hehehehehe

    Reply

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