Archive for the ‘New List’ Category

(Submitted by Confusion)

1. Not allowed to use any audio editing software to splice together funny conversations from our digital recorders.
2. Not allowed to insert synthesized speech into digital recordings either.
3. Not allowed to use Windows Movie Maker to edit video recordings and make videos to the song “The Chicken Dance”.
4. Not allowed to edit videos to any music.
5. Not allowed to edit videos.
6. Not allowed to “monitor network usage” via VNC on my lunch break by randomly connecting to other users machines.
7. Not allowed to VNC into users machines on their breaks to see what they are doing.
8. Not allowed to use VNC to post, email, or IM strangers from other peoples machines
9. Not allowed to make changes to someones Myspace or Facebook pages via VNC connection to their machine.
10. Not allowed to VNC into a machine without contacting the user.
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(Submitted by Nurse S)

1) Not allowed to give the secretary’s name to the confused patient(s) in the hall.
2) Not allowed to play with a bed alarm.
3) Not even if I’m just checking to make sure it works.
4) It’s bariatric equipment, not “big boy” or “big girl” (chair, bed etc.).
5) Not allowed to give telemetry patients sternal rubs if they are sedated. It causes the heart monitor to go crazy, and sometimes people run to the room.
6) Ok, I can give them sternal rubs, but make sure I answer when asked if I need any help.
7) Staff emergency buttons are not toys.
8) Not allowed to tell patients they are idiots.
9) Not allowed to tell patients they are drug seeking.
10) Not allowed to tell patients that they are a pain in the ass
11) Not even if 9-10 are true.
12) No mentioning the “Q word.”
13) If I mention the “Q word” I will get the next admit, and they WILL be a pain in the ass.
14) No talking about codes.
15) Because if I do, one is more likely to happen.
16) The floor is not the psych ward, even if it feels that way.
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(Submitted by Tony)

1) I can no longer refer to my whistle as “an extension of my penis”.
2) I cannot refuse to save a struggling child on the grounds that they are “annoying as all hell”.
3) When I find a dead rat in the strainer, I should not pretend that it is still alive; pretend I’ve been bitten, and then stop swallowing.
4) I should not tell children that a sea monster lives in the deep end.
5) I cannot challenge people to a breath holding contest.
6) I cannot place bets on a breath holding contest, no matter how one-sided it is.
7) Yelling “Kill each other!” is not the proper way to break up a fight.
8) When evacuating the pool for a thunderstorm, I should not tell the most annoying children that they are allowed to keep swimming.
9) The baby pool is not the “piss factory”.
10) When giving people their pool passes, I should hand them only theirs, and not Jason Bourne’s.
11) Nor can I hand them anything saying “McLovin” on it. (more…)

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A while ago my wife and I were approaching the anniversary of the day we started dating.  She asked me if I wanted anything special to commemorate the day.

I told her that I wanted either Milla Jovovich or a set of twins.

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(Submitted by Devil Doc)

You know you are a cop if …..

1) You have the bladder capacity of five people.

2) You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

3) You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.

4) Your idea of a good time is a “man with a gun” call.

5) You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.

6) You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.

7) You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

8) You have your weekends off planned for a year.

9) You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

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(Submitted by M578Jockey)

1. Do not try to lay a perimeter of powered CS around your bivouac site when the wind is blowing.
2. Especially not when the cooks are in the middle of making breakfast.
3. Do not steal the Battalion Commander’s sleeping bag.
4. When you are under a jeep and the third person trips over your feet, erectile make sure it’s not the Brigade Commander before you start cussing the person out.
5. An M113A2 does not have B.U.T.T. plug.
6. Do not tell the motor sergeant that the M113 is down because the Flux Capacitor is broken.
7. Even if he is dumb enough to believe you.
8. There is no such thing as a metric adjustable wrench.
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(Submitted by Officer “I want to keep my job thank you very much”)

1) I am not the one and only.

2) Not allowed to plunder the office stationary for things to repair my motorbike with.

3) Not allowed to eye-up women while working.

4) Not allowed to use the radios to organise a run up to Chicken Cottage.

5) Don’t say shit about shit to Robocop (K37).

6) If Chickenman (K14) is asleep in the breakroom he does not require the attention of a coroner.

7) I am allowed to penalise an errant vehicle which also happens to be blocking my bike in, but I’m not allowed to spend the rest of the day giggling about it.

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1. Do not blaspheme the Lord in front of the Children.

2. Do not blaspheme the Lord in front of the Church Staff.

3. Do not blaspheme the Lord in front of anyone, period.

4. Not allowed to send Jehovah’s Witnesses to the Church for “inter-religious relations and cooperation”.

5. Please don’t wear that shirt with the devil chick on it.

6. Not allowed to wear that other shirt with the devil chick on it.

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(Submitted by Kereineko)

1. Not allowed to spend your whole shift active on the internet.
2. Not allowed to bypass the sensors that record active internet usage time.
3. Not allowed to disappear into the factory for hours while not working.
4. Not allowed to try to steal flavors we make to add to your drinks.
5. Not allowed to even if it comes out awesome and ever one wants more.
6. Not allowed to ask to replace you buyer since he’s retarded at his job and a monkey should be able to do but he can’t.
7. Not allowed to ask if you can make capes for your dept.
8. Not allowed to call your boss “captain silly” or “mr. Happy” to mock him.
9. Not allowed to bring in capes that say Mr. Happy or C.S. (captain stupid).
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First of all I want to thank Michiel for filling in for me last week, while I was attending GDC.  Especially that last post of his.  That was from the heart man.

Second of all, here is a giant list from a prospective future officer.

(Submitted by Lauren Fox)

1.      Not allowed to insinuate that Cadet Ass molests computers

2.      Or drill rifles

3.      Or Christmas trees

4.      Even if everyone else thinks its funny

5.      Can’t claim ownership of freshmen

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