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You know you are a cop if …..

May 3rd, 2009 by skippy

(Submitted by Devil Doc)

You know you are a cop if …..

1) You have the bladder capacity of five people.

2) You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

3) You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.

4) Your idea of a good time is a “man with a gun” call.

5) You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.

6) You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.

7) You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

8) You have your weekends off planned for a year.

9) You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

10) You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it’s located.

11) You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: “Suicide…getting it right the first time.”

12) You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.

13) You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

14) You believe anyone who says, “I only had two beers” is going to blow more than a .15

15) You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.

16) Anyone has ever said to you, “There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me.”

17) People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places…and you know where it’s located.

18) You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.

19) You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession. (ISN’T THIS THE TRUTH)

20) You walk into places and people think it’s high comedy to grab their buddy and shout, “They’ve come to get you, Bill.”

21) You do not see daylight from November until May.

22) People shout, “I didn’t do it!” when you walk into a room and think they’re being hugely funny and original.

23) A week’s worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks, and 5 pairs of underwear.

24) You’ve ever referred to Tuesday as “my weekend”, or “this is my Friday”.

25) You’ve ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.

26) You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.”

27) Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.

28) You find humor in other people’s stupidity.

29) You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you’ve eaten.

30) You feel good when you hear “these handcuffs are too tight”.

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60 Responses to “You know you are a cop if …..”

  1. Phelps Says:

    You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.

    If you really are following them, then it isn’t paranoia.


    Arcanum reply on May 3rd, 2009 8:47 pm:

    Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.


  2. SPC Hyle Says:

    You know how many of those apply to non-cops?


    stmercy reply on May 3rd, 2009 10:02 pm:

    I suspect this is one of those lists that lets you know you’re a cop if it ALL applies to you… If it only had to be one or two rules, I woulda made a good cop. Or maybe a serial killer (rules #3 and #11 sound way too much like me… and, as a public school teacher, I could definitely get on board with #6 and #9…)


  3. ShadowAngel Says:

    Holidays to you are just days that have increases in the number of DUI’s on the road.


  4. Arcanum Says:

    Bah, you don’t have to be a cop to think a lot of these things.
    3, 7, 9, 11, 12, 26*, 27, 28….

    * This is categorized as “taunting the universe”, along with “what could possibly go wrong”, “things can’t get any worse”, “what’s the worst that could happen”, “it’s a milk run”, etc.


    Schwal reply on May 3rd, 2009 10:02 pm:



    stmercy reply on May 3rd, 2009 10:09 pm:

    Beware, for the perversity of the universe will come back to bite you on the ass…

    captcha: schnell 19 7/8 and later, 20!


    Arcanum reply on May 4th, 2009 6:33 am:



    Billy reply on May 4th, 2009 11:28 am:

    I still use my pessimism in an optimistic way when I say “It could always be worse.” I then come up with a way that it could actually be worse. Thankfully, if the laws of the universe obeyed themselves around me, we would all be followed by little leperchauns who tell us to burn stuff.

    captcha: borders understand, yes, the borders between this world… and the Twilight Zone. (no, not the zone with the moronic Twilight vampires, they wouldn’t last a night there.)


    Aco319sig reply on May 3rd, 2010 5:24 am:

    …saying “rain god’s a pussy’ while training at Redstone Arsenal, AL, during late summer… (Guaranteed to get U wet)


  5. Jesse Says:

    some of us EMTs have a pretty good number of these too.
    Including being introduced by profession, which makes most people want to ask about that rash they have…


    stmercy reply on May 3rd, 2009 10:06 pm:

    Teachers tend to be introduced by profession, too- and you can always tell how a student is doing by how they introduce you- “This is Mr. —” means the student’s doing alright, maybe even good. “This is my FAVORITE teacher, Mr. —, the best teacher at XXX!” means the lazy slacker is bombing your course.


    Stickfodder reply on May 4th, 2009 3:36 am:

    What if the teacher is just reallyawesome and is your favorite?


    Rainewolf reply on May 4th, 2009 10:42 am:

    In that case, I usually went with “This is Mr./Ms So-and-so, they’re my favorite” and some comment about just how cool the class is.

    stmercy reply on May 4th, 2009 7:13 pm:

    In that case, usually they call me sensei. It saves time…

    captcha: MUSEUM darns- those must be some really OLD socks…

    Billy reply on May 4th, 2009 11:30 am:

    Science teachers may be an exception, depending if they have ever had the class launch rockets, play with lazers that can burn stuff, and of course, anything physics related and bowling balls.


    Catherine reply on May 7th, 2009 9:27 am:

    “Fondly remebers blowing up glassware in chemistry”

    Ahh, science class. Got me started on my lifelong obsession with things that burn/explode. Y’know, Dr. Sonte never did let us make nitroglyceren, though…Damn.
    Sorry. I have the mental maturity of a 14 year old boy.

  6. Shadowydreamer Says:

    My General Practioner once commented that he introduces himself as a proctologist.

    And I’m nice to the RCMP ’cause they are nice to me. (Silly! Cops don’t give tickets, they give warnings!)

    Captcha : Mime too. .. Well, okay, but my webcam isn’t on..


    Billy reply on May 4th, 2009 11:31 am:

    Hmm, not a gynocologist?


    Shadowydreamer reply on May 4th, 2009 11:52 am:

    Females will talk to OB-GYNs and ask them questions. As far as I know, men don’t wanna talk shop with a proctologist :)


  7. Kaigun Says:

    Being a law enforcement professional I have to say that I love this list. And #26 is disturbingly true.


  8. Speed Says:

    #26, part a: “A little too quiet.”
    #30 – I once knew a girl that liked ’em too tight.


  9. CCO Says:

    How about how air conditioned patrol cars improves the memory of naked crazy people who claim to not know who they are?

    You loose your brakes at 140 mph, and it’s all in day’s work.

    (Not me, my dad).


  10. kat Says:

    Actually, a surpising number of these refer to my profession as well. Especially 11 and 26. People, it’s very, very simple, one gun, one bullet, under the chin, pull the trigger. If you take an ENTIRE bottle of TYLENOL you will spend a week dying of kidney/liver failure (which kind of defeats the purpose of killing yourself in the first place). Otherwise they are just going to drag your ass to the ER where we will take your clothes away, pump your stomach, and call an MHP.
    captcha: waxy regard – sounds kindof dirty


    David reply on May 5th, 2009 10:36 am:

    “one gun, one bullet, under the chin, pull the trigger”

    You know, its amazing how many people manage to F* up even this simple set of instructions. It ain’t pretty, let me tell you, when someone does exactly as you say but they’re too drunk to hold the gun steady, they manage to miss the brainpan, and end up horribly mutilated. Or they just fail to use a sufficient caliber weapon. Or they’re too short to effectively hold that shotgun in place.

    Yes, even at point blank range people DO manage to miss.


    johnny reply on May 6th, 2009 4:17 pm:

    so combine the two
    “ENTIRE bottle of ibuprofen,one gun, one bullet, under the chin, pull the trigger” that way your blood should be thin enough to bleed out quick


    David reply on May 6th, 2009 4:29 pm:


    johnny reply on May 6th, 2009 10:16 pm:

    my bad
    but itll work

  11. westonator Says:

    Most Teachers suck and only suck ups think that a teacher is awesome


  12. Froglet Says:

    A surprising number could be used for tech support too. Especially the mute, and the wastes of space related ones.


    Lit reply on May 4th, 2009 2:29 pm:

    Working in a helpdesk, I whole-heartedly agree, along with the first half of 7.


    Fred reply on May 6th, 2009 11:56 am:

    Only the first half? I’m a sysadmin, and I disbelieve nearly 80% of what I see (that BSOD cannot have just happened…)


  13. Emily Says:

    Lol, anything to do with dead bodies and eating applies to any pre-med or pre-Pharmacy student, like me! Ahhh cadavers and lunch, happy memories. Oh, and thanks skippy for this wonderful list, it makes finals go easier. :)


    David reply on May 5th, 2009 10:43 am:

    Yeah, those were good times: cold corned beef and cabbage sandwich scarfed down in the hot steaming sun after spending a couple hours huffing fumes inside a gross anatomy lab.

    Yeah, good times. I don’t miss those days at all.


    Emily reply on May 5th, 2009 8:14 pm:

    I swear, it is so not possible to get that smell out of clothing, I had to bleach my lab coat last semester.


    David reply on May 5th, 2009 10:19 pm:

    I left my lab-wear in a plastic grocery bag in the trunk of my car, festering in the hot Iowa sun, for as long as I needed it whenever I was compelled to take it “home” instead of leaving it in my locker. When I was done with it I cremated it on my BBQ grill.

  14. Sabra Says:

    I do think no.s 3 & 12 are universal.


  15. RangerJake72 Says:

    I would say I have seen varieties of the list as applied to Paramedics, Doctors or Nurses, and much of it is sadly true


  16. Ziggy Says:

    I’m with RangerJake on that. I’ve been a paramedic for twentyone years and a LOT of this list fit me well.


  17. Dave Van Domelen Says:

    A rather large number of those are applicable to us in the physics teaching profession….


  18. NY Wingman Says:

    A majority (if not all) apply to the wonderful occupation of Correctional Officer as well. Adding in:
    If you think OC is a great tool for practical Jokes


    Eben reply on May 7th, 2009 12:45 pm:

    Its also good for killing mice when they run across the floor in the middle of night shift.


  19. soloop Says:

    you know you’re a cop when you have planted evidence on someone after you killed them.

    you know you are a cop if you have a moustach, a high and tight haircut and aviators

    you know you are a cop if you walk around with an overinflated sense of entitlement

    you know you are a cop if you ALWAYS search black suspects

    you know you are a cop if you bend the law to fit your own needs

    you know you are a cop if you have lied numerous times and gotten away with it


    Hue Hue reply on February 24th, 2017 8:59 pm:

    Har har har, very funny. I take it you’re the kind of guy who cries to try getting out of a ticket but then talks tough to his buddies.


  20. stza Says:

    you know you’re a cop if you idolize benito mussolini


  21. Don Says:

    You know your a cop if your level of power is equal to God.

    You know your a cop when you bitch and complain about all the citizens that your paid to protect, but stay on the job anyway because you have an endless supply of power, arrogance, and can walk around with a gun.

    You know your a cop when you like to roll around in the mud when you eat.


  22. Angelus Says:

    So, would the previous three posters rather us transition to a lawless anarchy? Before you answer that question, just remember that an absence of law enforcement means that the only one that you can run too when your pot, Xbox and Cheetos get stolen, the only one to run too is Mommy. But at least she’s closes, you only have to climb the stairs up out of the basement.

    And no, I’m not a cop, I’m a soldier.


    Angelus reply on June 7th, 2009 11:19 am:

    Sorry about the atrocious amount of typos, I don’t know what happened there. My point remains valid.


  23. Adam Says:

    I definitely read this somewhere… I think it was on Enforcer104’s blog.

    Captcha disapproves of your plagiarism:
    “clunkiest Moreover,”


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