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Archive for August, 2010

Deployed

Wednesday, August 4th, 2010

I have been absent, ed except for the occasional smart ass comment [beats being a dumbass] because I have been “deployed.” This delay makes my nom du skippyslist, “Speed,” a bit of a lie, but unavoidable.

I have to use quotation marks because I have been sent to the wilds in the good ole USA, to teach bright eyed, naïve, young soldiers an MOS. Somewhere, someone, no doubt a sadistic bastard that I once knew, decided that I had something to offer the new troops. So I’m an instructor.

Prior to this I thought that the BS threshold in the army was too low, but have found out that the cadre/command element in a US Army school are so damned bored that they have to invent ways to mess with the instructors.

I say mess with the instructors because they area limited to what they can do to the students any more, that “harassment” line is clear, well defined, and much closer than it was when I went to an AIT school.

I have received some sort of behavioral counseling about every other month or so – negative counseling the in army vernacular – and get the verbal type every week. I guess there are still some things that senior NCOs aren’t allowed to do.

I have compiled a list of more things that I cannot do from the past six months, and it should give you an idea of why such counseling has been deemed necessary.

1. Not allowed to call the “Foxtrot” class “Foxtards.”
2. When the Foxtrot instructors put down my MOS, not allowed to reply, “But it’s way better than being a ‘Foxtard.’”
3. Artillery is the King of Battle, and the Infantry is the Queen of Battle, not the “Bitches of Battle.”
4. Not allowed to call air assets the “Pimps of Battle.”
5. Air assets support the ground assets, not allowed to say they are “Stylin’ and Profilin.’” (more…)

It’s Wrong In My Brain

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

I caught a commercial for Charlie St. Cloud today. There’s a line they keep saying in every preview and trailer that airs for this particular film. The male lead makes his best “I’m deep and sensitive” face and says, “Every night, I play catch with my dead brother.”

And the viewer is supposed to go, “Awww….his brother is like an analogy for his inability to let go of his past. If only some woman could help fix his soul and make everything better.” Or they might intend for the viewer to go “Awww….he loves his dead brother so much that he is still in contact with him from beyond the grave….and he still plays catch with him…that is so sweet. If only some woman could help fix his soul and make everything better.”

What they quite probably did not intend is where my brain took this. “Awwww…. he dug up his brother’s corpse, and presumably stores in in a big jar of formaldehyde. And every evening he takes it out to the back yard and hurls it around for a while. If only some woman could…you know what? Never mind. Do not try to fix this guy, just back away slowly. And for Christ’s sake don’t go out on the water with him on your boat.”