Another ER Admitting List
(Submitted by Kat)
1. Not allowed to make the new person get the signature for the schizo
2. Not allowed to make the new person get the signature for the cracked out alcoholic
3. You know what, if they’re screaming, cursing, muttering to themselves or tied up, YOU get the signature
4. No, we can’t gag the patients (it’s against the law)
5. No we can’t sedate them either
6. No matter how much we ALL want to
7. Just because there’s five new people, doesn’t mean you can just call them all “hey you”
8. The two tech’s named Chris don’t appreciate being called C-squared when they’re working the same shift
9. Or Square-root when they aren’t
10. Please don’t get the crazy in 5 worked up, we just calmed him down
11. Not allowed to feed into the delusions of the crazies
12. You know what, don’t talk to the psych patients anymore
13. You don’t have the power to order a catheder, so don’t threaten people with it
14. When someone is complaining about the wait, the correct answer is to smile and apologize, not point out how many patients are in the waiting room, tell them the ER is completely full right now and hint that we might be less full if certain people weren’t here for BS complaints.
15. Not allowed to suggest that a person just go see their primary doctor about that
16. Especially when administration is walking by
17. Not allowed to ask why the patient is just now coming in about that rash they’ve had for A YEAR, the docter does that
18. When someone who’s morbidly obese plops themselves in a wheelchair and demands to be pushed, the correct response is to call someone who can push them, not look down at my 110 pound frame and laugh
19. Also not allowed to laugh when they get stuck in the wheelchair
20. When the same patient states that the widest wheelchair we have is too small and demands a bigger one, I will explain that this is the biggest one we have, not snidely hint that if they lost some weight it wouldn’t be too small
21. When I walk into a room and someone asks if I’m the doctor, the correct answer is “no” not “no, but I bet I know whats wrong with you”
22. When a female is getting unruly in the waiting room, call security, don’t offer to take her outside yourself
23. No, you can’t take a nap in the extra bed
24. When a Hispanic family comes in and asks me if I speak Spanish, I should just say no, not tell them they need to learn English
25. Just because I work here, doesn’t mean I can make valid diagnosis
26. Even if I’m right more than 75% of the time
27. Even if I was right when a doctor was wrong, and my guess was confirmed my three other doctors
28. (This wasn’t me) You are not Dr House, and if you act like an asshole you will be terminated
29. No, the doctors will not write you prescriptions (Also not me)
30. (Again, not me) Security sees everything, remember that before you decide to screw your boyfriend in your husbands car in the parking lot
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September 28th, 2009 at 5:52 am
About item 30, who’s car should they use?
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SSG Hay reply on September 28th, 2009 6:06 am:
The answer is obvious – the boyfriend’s car. It’s just proper adultery ettiquette.
Captcha – mise dragoons
“Who are we facing?”
“The Mise Dragoons, the 4th Light Infantry, and 5th Heavy Artillery.”
“The Dragoons from Mise? We’re screwed.”
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David reply on September 28th, 2009 9:37 am:
Depends on whether you want to be polite and circumspect about it, or rub it in his face publicly. If you’re doing it in the hospital parking lot on break, you probably don’t care about “polite and circumspect”.
So, good show (so to speak) for #30. You’re doing it right. Make sure and leave some evidence behind, just to be extra incriminating.
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Anonymous and STILL Employed reply on September 28th, 2009 12:14 pm:
What about leaving foot, hand or tittyprints on the windscreen? I know a couple who once got rascally drunk and just left imprints on the hoods and windscreens of random cars. Nobobdy figured it out, but we did start seeing a lot more “security” cameras outside local houses after that.
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Minty reply on September 28th, 2009 9:59 am:
#30 should probably read: “If you don’t want the world to know what a heinous, adulterous bitch you are, you should remember that security sees everything, so. . .”
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September 28th, 2009 at 6:05 am
I did this for several years, and the only upside of it all was that the docs did write scrips for employees. If they won’t, what is the point?
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September 28th, 2009 at 9:40 am
#30 is going to have me giggling aaaaalllll day. Goddess, I love List Day.
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September 28th, 2009 at 10:00 am
What’s up with not sending the new guy to sign in the crazies? How else are they going to learn?
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September 28th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I see no problem with telling the truth to patients. They’re thicker than pig sh*t half the time, so circumspect and polite doesn’t work. Almost as bad as tourists.
captcha dowles/9.475: “9,475 dowels? I can tell you what you could do with them if you want.”
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Kat reply on September 28th, 2009 12:19 pm:
Unfortunately I’m just not high enough on the pay scale to be allowed to tell the truth. I am a peon. Some of the nurses and most of the docs are high enough for that, I just stick around to watch the hilarity afterwards.
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Shadowydreamer reply on September 28th, 2009 1:42 pm:
My mother was an RN for 40 something years. She started in Ireland, then bounced around Britan with my Dad the RAF officer before we ended up in Canada. I remember going up to her ward one day after a procedure done elsewhere to tag a ride home with her to hear her teaching the new nurse on shift some Hindi. I asked her what it was “No, you’re not dying.”
I said “Wouldn’t suck it up princess be more useful?”
She replied, “It doesn’t matter WHAT language you say THAT in, they all understand it.”
Ah, maternity nurses.. :)
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StoneWolf reply on September 29th, 2009 4:49 am:
The problem with a lot of folks is not that their skull is thick but that their brain is soup and the skull actually fairly thin walled, so the correct application of the clue by four tends to permenantly damage their reality.
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September 29th, 2009 at 4:53 am
On 18-20, when I worked at the video store there was this whale that used to come in every once in a while. She had to actually waddle in sidewise to fit. One day she finally got stuck, managed to re-arrange her lard and free herself, them whined to me that the door was too small and the walk from the parking lot was too long (all of six feet). I said I was suprised she hadn’t collapsed under her own gravity like a black hole and that she should be glad the light truck she drove was rated for a half ton load. Its a very good thing my boss let me work unsupervised, or I’m sure I would have been fired several times. I have a very low stupidity tolerance.
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Kat reply on September 29th, 2009 7:48 am:
I can do you one better. We had a guy who came in once or twice (before he died of a massive coronary). We had to lash two beds together for him. When he needed radiology done, we didn’t have anything that would hold him. We called up to a couple big hospitals in Seattle (Swedish Medical Center, Harborview and U. of Wa Medical Center) none of them had anything big enough either. Finally we called the zoo (Woodland Park) and asked if we could trasport the patient there and use their imaging equpiment. The Vet there said he’d never heard of it being done, but gave us the go-ahead. He figured that if the equipment they had was large enough to be used on a 1000 pound tiger, it could probably hold this guy.
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StoneWolf reply on September 29th, 2009 9:10 am:
I’ve heard of that being done in TV shows like Scrubs, but this is the first I’ve heard of it actually being done. And yes, I imagine a machine large enough for a half ton tiger will fit a quarter ton man. I just don’t understand how people can get that fat.
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ninemmll reply on October 4th, 2009 11:02 am:
It´s actually very easy. You get upset by shit people say and eat because food dulls your feelings. You get fatter, people laugh and point at you or say hurtful things, you eat more and gain and you are in an endless circle of hell that has shit all to do with willpower because all the eating and subsequent diets have destroyed your metabolismn.
cmdr. crashlander reply on April 29th, 2011 7:46 pm:
Portable xray wasn’t big enough?
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September 29th, 2009 at 8:31 am
I hope none of you ever have medication or body issues that make you pack on the pounds.
While, yes, most morbidly obese are self-inflicted, not all are. It’s fairly easy to tell the difference, those who have it inflicted upon them tend to not be whining / blaming you for their problems.
However.. As someone who gained massive weight in the 6 months post disability (and then spent the next six years losing it!) Compassion won’t kill you. Honest.
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StoneWolf reply on September 29th, 2009 9:13 am:
In my mind there is a massive difference between folks with a legitimate medical issue and the standard issue lardass. I’ve known exactly one guy with a thyroid problem (I’ve heard this as a paltry escuss for excess weight before) who grew up in Poland downwind of Chernobyle.
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Shadowydreamer reply on September 29th, 2009 9:31 am:
There’s a lot more than that. I’ve known four personally.
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StoneWolf reply on September 29th, 2009 10:43 am:
I didn’t mean to say there is only one, I meant out of the dozens I’ve heard say “Oh, I have a thyroid condition” only one actually does, and its not something he opens with.
Kitty reply on September 29th, 2009 10:37 am:
Thyroid problems are a bitch, plagues the women of my family. i struggle with my weight due to a slow metabolism with it and its a bitch. But I can still outwalk a lot of skinny ‘fit’ individuals. Am due to enter training for a major pilgrimage in about 3 years, so hopefully that weight will go, but i accept I am still to inactive to really lose weight and thats my choice. Its those who plainly don’t have a medical issue except sheer stupidity and greed that I despise. Now they get right up my nose, demanding their rights and expensive medical treatments brought on by their own greed when other more deserving individuals are too shy to put themselves forward for the help they deserve *GRRRRRRRGRUMBLECOMPLAINETC*
Captcha:
“Govern the Hangings Mr. Smee”
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StoneWolf reply on September 29th, 2009 10:45 am:
My mother too, actually. Except she got thyroid cancer so they took it out. And yeah, I guy I hike with weighs about twice what I do and can just about keep pace with me, which is to say he can outpace most of the ultralighters and flatlander college kids we pass on the trail.
Smoaks reply on September 29th, 2009 12:02 pm:
When I was in Iraq the 2nd time I slimmed down to 230 lbs (muscle) I have always had weight problems, however after getting my back f****d up in Iraq I have gained almost 85 lbs in 3.5 yrs. I am still fighting it. I walk about 10 miles a day combined on my job (security officer). Believe me Weight loss isn’t easy for everyone!!!
Captcha: captions Moody– Well that explains it!
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Kat reply on September 29th, 2009 12:13 pm:
Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with people who have legitimate problems that cause them to gain massive amounts of weight. But you are right that usually the ones who are whining and bitching about it are the ones who have inflicted it on themself. If a doctor asks you what is your disability (ie: why are you on medicare) and your answer boils down to, “I’m crazy fat” you have a problem.
I actually have the opposite problem, my I have hyper-thyroid, which means that if I don’t eat like like a bear in fall, I lose weight like crazy. I’ve been accused of being anorexic, bulemic and a drug addict and then called a liar to my face when I say that I’m not. My healthy weight is about 125, but currently I’m floating at about 110 because of a three day bug. Yeah, I lost almost ten pounds in less than a week, and people think I’m lucky.
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David Dylan reply on October 19th, 2009 12:24 pm:
I’m Hypotheroid, but before it was diagnosed I was actually very skinny, and now I’m still not gaining much weight.
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September 29th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
There’s also people who take medications with the side effect of “delightful” weight gain along with the medication… I know of several “shootouts” between endocrinologists and psychiatrists over what medication should be used…
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September 29th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
I work with 2 women that eat like crazy and never gain an ounce. Yes, they work out, but not that much! I look at food and gain weight. There just HAVE to be such things as slow and fast metabolisms!
You wouldn’t believe the crap I take for not eating birthday cake and the candy and baked goods people bring in all the time. Why do people have to remark all the time on what others do and don’t eat? Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
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LastClerkStanding reply on May 28th, 2013 5:55 am:
Well, just like what Garfield said: “Eating is a social activity. But when you diet, you diet alone.”
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September 30th, 2009 at 11:05 am
I’ve got the slow metabolism, i struggled to lose a stone and a half about 2 years ago. I stopped losing weight no matter what i did so am stuck at 13stone. ish. However i am about to enter training to return to the Falklands with my fiance, so this should be interesting. I expect I’ll bulk up with muscle and be hyper fit, but still carry all that blubber around with me. Farm stock, shoot me.
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