Another IT List

I’m relatively certain that this one is not a repeat.

(Submitted by Maria Blackmore)

1. Not allowed to submit Purchase Order requests for a kinetic kill orbital weapons platform.
2. Or any other sort of weapons platform.
3. Even if we have enough staff with sufficient expertise to build one.
4. Or a bucket of sunshine.
5. Not allowed to submit Purchase Order requests for a secret underground lair.
6. Even if you already have the perfect site lined up.
7. They’re expensive and we don’t have money allocated for it in the budget.
8. Tanks are a weapons platform.
9. So are field artillery.
10. And rocket launchers.
11. And submarines.
12. And automatic weapons, in fact, not allowed to submit PO requests for any sorts of weapons at all. That includes explosives too.
13. And cattle-prods, if intended for use as a weapon.
14. Even Nerf weapons.
15. Unless you pay for them yourself.
16. Should not be surprised when people appear surprised or concerned that I ever had access to ammunition and high explosives.
17. Not allowed to threaten people with a Cat5e o’nine-tails.
18. Not allowed to build an EtherKiller ™.
19. Tesla coils are OK.
20. Not allowed to (threaten to) melt wireless access points with a HERF weapon.
21. Even if they have been connected to the network without authorisation.
22. Must not refer to the rooftop laser and microwave comms systems as “Pigeon Cookers”.
23. Especially in front of board members.
24. The reason for wearing hi-vis jackets whilst on rooftops is to stop the public calling you in as a suicide jumper, do not tell new staff members it’s so that people on the ground can see them coming when they fall off.
25. Not allowed to test the UPS batteries using jump leads, nipple clamps, and help desk staff members.
26. Nor is said help desk staff member a suitable “dummy load” for a generator test.
27. Even if he’s a misogynistic prat.
28. Not allowed to fire elastic bands at my boss.
29. Especially as blue-on-blue.
30. Not allowed to shoot my boss with Nerf weapons either.
31. Especially his own.
32. Project managers are ok to shoot with Nerf weapons though.
33. You do not require both a Nerf long gun and sidearm.
34. Whilst it is acknowledged that it was unwise to shoot the network manager in the face such that the dart sticks to your glasses, vengeance may not be extracted during working hours.
35. Do not bounce elastic band balls into a ceiling fan.
36. Do not start elastic band wars with the security department, they have much more free time in which to practice.
37. Not allowed to scare the security guard who walks around wearing a pair of headphones.
38. Not allowed to scare the security guard who just walks around in a daze.
39. Joss sticks are not an approved method of generating smoke for cooling airflow tracing.
40. Not allowed to drop tissue paper into high powered cooling fans to see how much confetti it makes.
41. 850 nm comms lasers are not “pretty” they are “blinding”.
42. Not allowed to convince new staff to look for the invisible laser, on the basis that it is both real and capable of blinding.
43. Should not design laser systems capable of cutting or burning, even if they only contain components available off the shelf from a major network equipment supplier.
44. Nor should any laser systems I design make the fibre optics they’re running into feel warm to the touch.
45. Not allowed to intercept web traffic for people I don’t like and replace it with Lemonparty. Or tubgirl. Or Goatse.
46. Not allowed to cause “tragic accidents”.
47. They cause too much paperwork, that’s why.
48. Should not start any telephone conversation with my boss with the words “There’s been a tragic accident!”
49. The BoFH stories are not a list of things to try.
50. Whilst we’re on the subject, the lift control room is definitely out of bounds.
51. So are hi-pot testers and high voltage “thumpers” (used to test high voltage lines for faults, named for the characteristic thumping noise).
52. “Firewire” is a noun and brand name, not an adjective or command.
53. Not allowed to wrap annoying user’s Ethernet cables through ferrite suppression cores.
54. Do not swear loudly about how stupid users are, when they are on the phone within audible range.
55. Not allowed to hack the door access controllers to display humorous messages.
56. Not allowed to replace the voice announcements in the lift.
57. Not allowed to wear gimp masks on Mondays.
58. It is inadvisable to unpack large quantities of new equipment in the basement carpark, covering a board member’s exotic car with millions of tiny bits of polystyrene with static cling.
59. When ordering new equipment, ensure it is physically possible to get it into its destination room first.
60. When loading equipment into a room for testing, first check with building services that it won’t make the floor collapse.
61. Not allowed to turn off the network without warning people first.
62. The emergency power cut off in the server rooms is not the “P45 button” (UK equivalent of pink slip) and especially should not be referred to as such around people lacking a sense of humour.
63. Health and safety also lack a sense of humour.
64. When having cables buried under the ground, try not to bury the water meter.
65. MIG welders are not an approved cable-fault-finding device.
66. Nor are TIG welders. Or arc welders.
67. The large air-filled plastic bags commonly used now for packaging are not “giant bubblewrap”.
68. Do not burst “giant bubblewrap” behind the systems team.
69. Do not burst “giant bubblewrap” behind electricians. Especially when they are using a screwdriver inside a live panel.
70. Do not write incident reports that read like Star Trek technobabble.
71. Not even when you’re bored.
72. This includes the phrase “cascade scenario”.
73. No longer allowed to use the phrase “unforeseen consequences” in emails to be sent to the whole company.
74. My boss does not have pointy hair, nor should I threaten to obtain enough hairspray to make that the case. Or gel.
75. If you need to call a marketroid a marketroid, try to ensure they cannot hear you at the time.
76. The two Jerry cans in the office are to allow us to collect fuel for the backup generator in an emergency, they are not to “burn the building and all the evidence if it all goes wrong”. See also entry 63.
77. Not authorised to nuke sites from orbit.
78. No longer allowed to make sarcastic comments in serious meetings.
79. Not allowed to use sarcasm when talking to American staff.
80. Not allowed to call for team deathmatch in Counterstrike to decide issues discussed in serious meetings.
81. Not allowed to tip all the Macs into a giant hole. Not even if accompanied by all the PCs.
82. Not allowed to put up laser warning signs advising people to use their remaining good eye to summon medical assistance, even if Cisco published documents years ago saying this. See also entry 63.
83. Whilst putting up warning signs instructing people not to use the UPS batteries as a shelf, lest they want to experience natural selection, is commendable, you are once again reminded of entry 63 .
84. Technical meetings should probably contain more technical content, and less quoting popular sci-fi comedy series at one another.
85. Not allowed to fail, or to cause or create fail. The only atonement for fail will be cake, henceforth known as Failcake. More fail means more cake, bigger fail means bigger cake.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, September 13th, 2009 at 8:01 pm and is filed under New List. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.