Grocery Store List

September 7th, 2009 by skippy

(Submitted by Stefan Schoenhoff)

1. Not allowed to go home on the basis that I have caught Pig AIDS
2. Not allowed to call in sick with “Jungle Fever.”
3. Not allowed to call in sick with “Gay Jungle Fever”
4. Not allowed to threaten suicide with Diet Coke and Mentos
5. Not allowed to rectify my errors through the only honorable path, seppuku.
6. Not allowed to mime seppuku to explain what it is.
7. Not allowed to kill myself on company time.
8. Not allowed to hurt people who keep poking me.
9. Not allowed to sell my body while on the company’s payroll.
10. My soul is not of equal value to the Watchmen poster our video department can’t use due to the film being pulled from our shelves.
11. May not challenge coworkers to mortal combat over a Watchmen poster.
12. Or rock, paper, scissors.
13. My soul cannot be sold on more than one occasion.
14. My supervisor has no use for my soul.
15. Not allowed to wear a name tag that reads “Tyler Durden.”
16. Especially for 6 months.
17. My managers doesn’t like when mystery shoppers leave comments about “Tyler Durden’s” service.
18. Not allowed to engage in a sexual congress in the store’s restroom. (Not me, it happened before I was hired.)
19 Even if I’m on break.
20. Not allowed to go into detail about my plan for killing everyone in the store in under 2 minutes.
21. Not allowed to request a Hazmat suit when cleaning restrooms.
22. Not allowed to stand at the edge of the parking lot with a supervisor and two other clerks to watch the police standoff across the street.
23. Not allowed ride carts around the parking lot.
24. Not allowed to ride carts in the store.
25. Not allowed to pimp out the scooters reserved for the elderly and handicapped.
26. It’s frowned upon to say “Man the harpoons” when a morbidly obese person walks by.
27. Not allowed to combine a 300 quote and a wet floor sign.
28. Not allowed to draw the Aquila on the shift schedule while I watch self check-out.
29. Not allowed to write “Why so serious?” on anything in the store.
30. Not allowed to bash Twilight.
31. Not allowed to decry Twilight vampires as “whiny gay emo kids.”
32. Not allowed to go into detail about how Twilight vampires could be better.
33. My supervisor is not interested in my opinions on vampires in general.
34. Not allowed to prepare a plan for when the zombies come.
35. “Shoving the fat people out to buy us time” is not a valid contingency plan.
36. Not allowed to paintball the store’s sign. (Again, not me)
37. Not allowed to ignore company policies I find to be beneath me.
38. Not allowed to kill stupid people.
39. Just because I have suffered longer, I cannot make new people suffer more.
40. Not allowed to force the guy I’m training to scrub the grout with a toothbrush.
41. Even if he took so long to clean the restroom I ended up staying late.
42. Not allowed to leave the new guy to finish the road sign that shows our sales. Especially when he can’t spell.
43. My manager does not want to come in at 7 a.m. to see “BOSTON PORK BUTT” spelled “B0T N POK3R BUTT.”
44. Not allowed to edit last weeks sale of “SEEDLESS GRAPES” to “SEE LESS RAPES”
45. Not allowed to pull rank when I have none.
46. Not allowed to describe what I’ve seen on the internet.
47. May not recruit coworkers for the Navy.
48. Not allowed to sneak up on people when the power goes out.
49. Not allowed to do my Batman impression while I’m behind someone. Ever.
50. Not allowed to plan out how I will burn down the store.
51. Not allowed to answer the phone with “Operation Thunderclaw is green. Charlie Team, you have your orders, prepare for Contingency Plan Foxtrot, Theater-Wide Thermonuclear warfare. Godspeed.”
52. Not allowed to repeat the above when they call back, changing Charlie to Delta.
53. Not allowed to make people think self check-out has crashed.
54. Not allowed to sprint after shoplifter, taking them down with a flying tackle.

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This entry was posted on Monday, September 7th, 2009 at 7:36 pm and is filed under New List. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

StoneWolf Says:
September 8th, 2009 at 4:42 am

I spent one summer working the seafood section at Shaws. I hated that job.
Mini Shaws list.
1-Dead fish are not puppets.
2-Do not growl at stupid customers.
3-When a customer orders a half-liter of oysters I am expected to know the average density of oysters in order to convert one half liter into pounds so that the scale can measure and price them accordingly.
4-I am not allowed to imply my co-workers are morons because they don’t understand the whole oyster-density problem.
5-Stop grabbing lobsters by hand, there’s a tool for that.
6-Stop disillusioning people that they are killing the lobsters any less by having me do it at the store.
7-Do not name the lobsters and then be disappointed when a customer gets to eat them before I do.
8-Just stop playing with the friking lobsters.
9-Not allowed to walk into the freezer in a t-shirt and imply my Alaskan co-worker is a pansy for wearing a parka.
10-The store is never going to flood the first two feet of the building and let the lobsters loose without rubber bands so we can have a contest for all the little brats to see who can catch the most, so stop asking.
11-Stop sharing stories about Larry the Homicidal Lobster. It just scares everybody.

StoneWolf Says:
September 8th, 2009 at 4:44 am

Oh, by the way, about 44, did you know there is apparently a plant called rape and it comes in 40lbs boxes?

Minty reply on September 8th, 2009 9:33 am:

It’s not “rape,” it’s “canola.” Please, please remember to pander to the delusions of the far-left womyn’s movement so they don’t put SL under a microscope.

AFP reply on September 8th, 2009 12:06 pm:

Hmm, did not know that about Canola, although it is evidently only one variety of Rapeseed (and, evidently, one of a very few varieties that aren’t toxic to humans).

Still, that’s interesting to know.

*The more you know*

StoneWolf reply on September 8th, 2009 1:23 pm:

I see. I just remember seeing the box labeled “Rape, 40lbs”. I figured there was more to it, but I never knew what.

Now, this “Womyn’s movement”, I assume the misspelling is some sort of strange point they’re trying to make?

Rainewolf reply on September 8th, 2009 2:45 pm:

Sadly, yes, it has something to do with “woman/women” having the word “man/men” in it, and the womyn’s movement does not like this idea, oh no they do not. So they decide to confuse everyone by insisting on spelling it different. “Wimmin”, I believe, is also accepted but not as cool looking. Supposed to be politically correct, too, according to the “Politically Correct Bedtime Stories” book my aunt gave me when I was a kid. it was really sad how funny the book was just due to all the weird spelling *snicker*

captcha: wichita 141 The local “Wimmin’s” chapter?

Minty reply on September 8th, 2009 3:20 pm:

Shame on you for living in Vermont among the Yuppy Hippies and not knowing that. I would have thought someone with so many Z-Day contingency plans would have protected themselves against a current threat.

StoneWolf reply on September 8th, 2009 3:48 pm:

Hippies are one thing, and the only feminist I know personally was a Vegan Femnazi. Besides, I respect women as much as anybody else, what the hell do I have to fear from feminists? If they try to go all Amazon and say the world doesn’t need men any more all I do is scribble out Zombie and write Femnazi.

Timbo reply on September 8th, 2009 4:54 pm:

Nope, it isn’t the women’s movement, it is Canadian farmers. “Canola” is a variety of “Rapeseed” (and it is all a variety of the mustard plant). The Canola variety was developed in Canada and renamed for marketing reasons.

Free Advice:
If you hear that Canola oil will kill aphids, don’t spray it on your bushes because it kills bushes too. Even if you wash them with soap afterward. And your wife will laugh at you. And your next door neighbour.

Minty reply on September 8th, 2009 7:17 pm:

StoneWolf: It doesn’t matter how much you respect the female of the species. To “womyn,” if you have a penis, you automatically are Public Enemy #1.

Timbo: My comment was more concerned with the whole “casually mentioning rape” thing, rather than any real comment on StoneWolf’s post. As for the marketing rename, I thought it was because “canola oil” just sounded more PC than “rape oil.”

Shadowydreamer reply on September 9th, 2009 1:10 am:

Fricken’ Canadians.. Always causing problems! .. oh.. wait..

;)

I love Femi-Nazi’s! I love explaining the linguistical history behind the world ‘woman’ and why they’re morons.

Up at Simon Fraser University they have the woman’s centre. Men are not allowed in the Woman’s Centre. Men are not allowed to talk to women entering or leaving the Woman’s Centre. Men are not allowed to phone the Woman’s Centre. If a man desperately needs to communicate with a woman inside he can write a note and slip it under the door. Assuming there’s no woman coming or going from the Woman’s Centre in which they’ll go psycho at him for approaching the door.

I tried to campaign for a men’s centre saying the whole thing was rediculously sexist. A very wise man smiled and said they have a man’s centre – it’s called the pub and the women who aren’t screaming fanatical femi-nazi’s hang out there all the time. They like it that way.

Anonymous and STILL Employed Says:
September 8th, 2009 at 5:07 am

30 – 32: Why the hell not? Damn hell ass whiny gay emo kids.

Plotting for zombies is good, I do that.
Oh, and “Man the Harpoons.” We’ve also used “That’s no moon!” and I once met a guy who was arrested for following a morbidly obese man around the mall playing the Imperial March on a boombox. The guy hid in Mcdonalds for 20 minutes after already going there earlier and called the police

Jordan Says:
September 8th, 2009 at 5:32 am

Dear lord did that make me laugh. I got a few to add

-Not allowed to hide in the cardboard compactor then tell my boss people shoved me in there
-Putting bread finder tips in the fruit salad will get you complaints
-Even on Halloween
-Not allowed to consume beer out of damaged cases on shift
-Not allowed to consue beer period while on shift
-Not allowed to ask a customer how long it had been since he had seen his own toes much less his own dick. This will get you suspended
-Not allowed to flash coworkers
-Not allowed to eat Jello mix while on shift without paying for it
-Not allowed to have sex on top of the produce cooler
-Not allowed to have sex IN the produce cooler
-Even if you run produce
-Not allowed to get on the intercom and announce a sale on condoms and morning after pills due to an overstock
-Especially on Sundays right about 1100
-Last but not least, not allowed to tell people to ‘go make their own fucking food cause your trying to talk on the phone here’ when stuck working deli

Not all me, but quite a few are.

hellcat Says:
September 8th, 2009 at 5:49 am

You should be thankful that you have a very lenient work environment. You would be fired on the spot where I am for 20 and 26.

Speed Says:
September 8th, 2009 at 5:58 am

From the few months that I worked at a grocery store:
-Not allowed to sing pain killer commercial jingles on the store intercom.
-Not allowed to curse ala Johny Dangerously when the Greek deli manager curses at me: Fargin ice hole, sonuva bunchin, get off my fargin bells…
-Not allowed to say “After you” when my supervisor says “Oh yeah, let’s take this to the parking lot.” Don’t write checks you can’t cash buddy.
-Not allowed to remind boss that I’m a union member and he can’t fire me for anything less than a felony, heh. Pointing out his mistakes ain’t a felony.

Kitty Says:
September 8th, 2009 at 9:50 am

I can probably translate most of these for the tourism industry. Must write my list out, then again some of them you’d never believe. The one with the muddy labrador and the ranger is ridiculous.

Susan reply on September 9th, 2009 7:38 pm:

Kitty, please write this one up. I’m gonna be up all night thinking it over.

Lokim8 Says:
September 8th, 2009 at 6:46 pm

I work in a pharmacy, here is a short list from the past few weeks ive been working there.

-not allowed to send overweight customers to the weightloss shakes section instead of the sustagen section, even though they are basically the same thing
-not allowed to imitate a trumbone as seen in family guy when an obese person leaves the store
-not allowed to raise my eyebrows or comment at young women buying pregnancy tests or any other pregnancy product
-not allowed to discuss the low socio economics of ipswich with a collegue, people will take offence
-not allowed to high five men buying condoms
-nor am i allowed to wink at either of the above
-not allowed to laugh at customers buying adult dipers, even once they have left the store
– particularly whan another person in the cue is buying the same thing

Good thing i mostly pack shelves, otherwise i have the feeling this list would be a mile long.

HardNose Says:
September 8th, 2009 at 9:12 pm

#54 Why not? You’re just saving the company money.

M578Jockey reply on September 9th, 2009 6:01 am:

Economics. It is cheaper to lose $50 bucks worth of groceries than to pay out the law suit that is sure to follow ifthe guy isn’t convicted. Or to pay the employees hospital bills if something goes wrong. Or, most inportantly paying both the lawsuit and hospital bills if a bystander somehow gets hurt.

M578Jockey reply on September 9th, 2009 6:06 am:

I shouldn’t write comments until I have had my coffee. It adversely affects my spelling.

Captcha: After Lief…Ericson?

Susan Says:
September 9th, 2009 at 7:39 pm

#51 almost killed me. Laughed so hard I scared my dogs.

dragongrrl Says:
September 10th, 2009 at 2:02 am

damn, that was funny. sounds like most of the things my work [a pie shop] has outlawed. speaking of which…

-not allowed to mention ANYTHING seen/heard about on the internet unless you want to explain it to your supervisor when she overhears you and a mate laughing about it
-trying to explain 4chan, goatse and milfs to your supervisor will not end well
-you are NOT allowed to gawk at the overweight woman with the moustache and the muumuu
-alright, you are, but you can’t run around the back to tell your coworkers to “come see the thing out here!”
-alright, you can do both of the above… just don’t let the customer see you. or the boss.
-the gourmet pies are monthly specials, they are not “whatever the hell we could find to shove in a pie”
-the ‘dog pies’ have nothing to do with dogs in them; they are merely pies unfit for human consumption
-no mentioning ‘dog pies’ in front-shop, especially near the Asian people, because trying to explain to them that “dog pies” don’t contain dog is frustrating and sure to end in pain.
-stocking the drink fridge is a privilege, not a right; don’t rub it in your coworker’s faces when you get assigned to drink fridge duty
-don’t sing in the drink fridge. the customers CAN hear you, and they think it’s scary if there’s music coming from in the fridge.
-don’t hide behind the cooler-room door to jump out at people when they come in to get pies.
-especially when the person is carrying a tray. those hurt.
-it doesn’t matter if we don’t stock them; if a customer wants cream on something [even a meat pie], get out back and cream it.
-please note that “cream it” and “cream on it” are NOT interchangeable, especially when asking a male to do it for you.
-it is not looked upon well for you and your coworker to discuss tattoos in front shop, especially if the contents of said tattoos are off-putting for customers.
-it doesn’t matter if the customer has changed his order twenty times, you are not allowed to pass them off onto a coworker or your supervisor on the grounds that “they’ve given my brain explosive diarrhea”
-finally, it doesn’t matter how awesome it looks, or how hilarious it is: if your coworkers have spent the last ten minutes stacking cardboard boxes into a tower [as you’re meant to do on a night shift], you are NOT – repeat, NOT – allowed to touch it. not even breathe on it. or you get to pick up every last one of them.