(Submitted by Stefan Schoenhoff)
1. Not allowed to go home on the basis that I have caught Pig AIDS
2. Not allowed to call in sick with “Jungle Fever.”
3. Not allowed to call in sick with “Gay Jungle Fever”
4. Not allowed to threaten suicide with Diet Coke and Mentos
5. Not allowed to rectify my errors through the only honorable path, seppuku.
6. Not allowed to mime seppuku to explain what it is.
7. Not allowed to kill myself on company time.
8. Not allowed to hurt people who keep poking me.
9. Not allowed to sell my body while on the company’s payroll.
10. My soul is not of equal value to the Watchmen poster our video department can’t use due to the film being pulled from our shelves.
11. May not challenge coworkers to mortal combat over a Watchmen poster.
12. Or rock, paper, scissors.
13. My soul cannot be sold on more than one occasion.
14. My supervisor has no use for my soul. (more…)
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