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It’s been a while….

July 28th, 2009 by LT Ronald

Has it really been 4 months since I last posted?!?!

It’s either been the underground fight clubs, or the stupid army schools, but I haven’t had time to give you guys anything new from me in a while.

Did you know that there are undertaker conventions? One of my new workers told me that her family runs a funeral parlor, and that her father is attending an undertakers convention.

My first thought was of a bunch of 7 foot tall, superwhite wrestlers all getting together to check out new urns and caskets.

I can see the OxyClean guy showing up and trying sell the Crematorium 5000, which is guarantied to make Dachau look like an  Easy Bake Oven.  And if you order now we’ll throw in the Sham-Wow!  It is perfect for polishing up a scuffed coffin or urn, and comes in especially handy when cleaning up unsightly embalming fluid spills. But wait, there’s more! If you order in the next 20 minutes we will give you Chef Emril’s 5-star Cre(a)mations Sensations Cook book for no extra cost! that’s right you get the Crematorium 5000 oven, a Free Sham-wow, and Emril’s 5-star Cre(a)mations Sensation for the low low price of three installments of $99.99 plus a small shipping and handling fee. You won’t find this in stores so act fast!  

I’m still developing material for this. There is so much humor out there about death and dying, but not a whole lot on funeral homes, undertakers, and so forth. I know that with a little work and some inspiration I can tap a relatively untouched area.

Note: Just found out that Billy Mays “The Oxyclean Guy” just passed away…. Is it too soon yet???

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23 Responses to “It’s been a while….”

  1. ineedhelpbad Says:

    No its not too soon
    Billy Mays for eternal salvation. Are you tired of the fear of burning in a lake of sulfur. Introducing eternal salvation with just a quick repenting of your sins and accepting Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior you can stop worrying about hell, tartarus, hades, sheol, and many more underworlds. Act now and Ill throw in a “holier then thou” attitude, just pay shipping and processing. All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.99.


  2. Sequoia Says:

    Too soon by about three days.
    And it’s good to see the representative of the Right Wing Asshats posting again.
    Captcha: im- jedi
    The main reason I posted


    LT Ronald reply on October 17th, 2009 7:47 am:

    Not much has been going right for us right wing asshats lately.

    Well Ted Kennedy died… hmmm, I feel better already. Thank you for helping me to remember that I am still blessed.


    Sequoia reply on October 18th, 2009 8:59 am:

    Your welcome. I see that as part of my civic duty.


  3. Shadowydreamer Says:

    MJ, Farrah, Walter Cronkite.. WAIT, THERE’S ONE MORE..!

    (Why am I in this handbasket and where am I going??)


  4. Jim A Says:

    Not so much OxyClean, but rather brands you’ve never heard of, like Frigid Fluid.


  5. lukazaz Says:

    hey LT its been a while… undertaker convention…. please give us more… I really like your way of redacting issues such as undertaker conventions

    Im sorry for asking but do does Sham-Wow! really remove body fluids :| the thing is I had a knife in the elbow accident last night and lots of blood poured into the bathroom sink… get the picture if does Sham-Wow! gets it out using oxiclean then IM IN!!

    shamless plug :P
    yeah story;
    doing some work around the house, needed to take some “mice” out of the shower and was thinking why not use the big and nasty knife or the painball rifle to get t done… yeah using a knife for 3 or 7 mice is fun but when someones pet snake is also loose and goes “WTF are you killing my dinner for?” is BAD bottom line yeah the next doors kid forgot to lock up his snake and snake food and it ended up in my bathroom…. oh and yeah that bastard snake is dead…


  6. Kitty Says:

    Best thing for a snake that.

    Now from one Brit to you all: WTF are you going on about?! And do I really want to know?


    Minty reply on July 29th, 2009 11:07 am:

    If you’re referring to the whole OxyClean/Sham-Wow! thing, YouTube it. Mays, the OxyClean guy, did a lot of infomercials the past few years before he died about a month ago.


    Leon reply on July 29th, 2009 1:52 pm:

    I for one don’t understand the cult of Billy Mays. He’s nowhere near as effective as that dweeb in sweater and posh brit accent.


    Minty reply on July 29th, 2009 4:22 pm:

    It’s because his delivery is so obnoxious, and yet sucks you in anyway. Sort of like the California Raisin Bran Raisins in the 1980s, MC Hammer rap pants in the early 1990s, and the Barbie Song.

    Sequoia reply on July 29th, 2009 5:34 pm:

    And Billy was actually a better pitchman than Anthony (if that is who you meant by the dweeb, if you meant the sham-wow fool you and me should never be in the same room). And Billy was sorta the accredited MASTER of the two minute infomercials, as stated by all his colleagues.

    CCO reply on August 6th, 2009 1:45 pm:

    And the 7 foot (2.1 meter ;) tall white man reference probably refers to a professional wrestler with the nom de guerre of Undertaker.


  7. lukazaz Says:

    fck its true…. the shami + oxiclean did get most of my blood out of the sink… but the snake + mice blood won’t come off :( danm snake!!!!

    also I really miss the times when skippy would do lots of post :( or at least some of the writers would post comments :(

    oh by the way maybe some remember me as GraveOne… its the same just got tired of that old “name”….


    LT Ronald reply on October 17th, 2009 7:45 am:

    Wow, for some reason my comments never got emailed to me for this post.

    I forgot I had even posted it. Sorry I havn’t responded or written more. Not a lot of funny things have been happeneing lately. Oh no. I’m getting boring. I need to go punch a midget or something, and get some inspiration.


  8. Matt Says:

    I used to work down-wind of a crematorium. They would cremate at night. It was an extra special treat to come outside on a summer morning after a mid-shift and have that wet-dog-burned-pork smell wrap itself around my head. Ymmmm. It would make you want to hurl the cookies, stale coffee and ramen-noodles you had for breakfast.


    Minty reply on July 30th, 2009 1:11 pm:

    Never smelled that particular scent. My favorite heinous odor lofted on the wind was a combination of pig feces, fertilizer and the Quaker Oats processing plant.


    SFC TC reply on July 30th, 2009 1:19 pm:

    Ahh pig feces and fertilizer, one of those joyous things I remember from my days of a recruiter in rural Iowa.

    No Quaker Oats processing plant, but if the wind was just right you could get the mild scent of glue from the sheet rock factory/mill.

    Now given it is just cooking meat, I wonder why it would smell so horrible. Because of the formalcdyhyde or maybe because of teh high temps.

    Then again if people were cremated with hickory wood fuel and bbq sauce to cover the odor I think it may actually be worse.


  9. Matt Says:

    Hmmm, Hickory Smoked Homo Sapian with judicious amounts of slightly spicy BBQ Sauce. All you would need is a nice chianti and some fava beans.


    SFC TC reply on July 30th, 2009 4:36 pm:

    Yeah, it is a disturbing thought, but you gotta admit it would probably smell better. Of course waking up in the middle of the night with a hankering for a hunka human would probably be enough to make me never eat BBQ again.


    Minty reply on July 31st, 2009 10:32 am:

    And thank you for ruining my weekend BBQ plans, because now I’m craving it, and my conscience says I shouldn’t be.


    CCO reply on August 6th, 2009 1:54 pm:

    Were the Caribbean natives cannibals as was first said, or not? (I thought of them since that’s where the word barbeque comes from.)


  10. Susan Says:

    I have a feeling the undertakers party hearty at their conventions. What do y’all think?


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