Archive for May, 2009

(Submitted by Tony)

1) I can no longer refer to my whistle as “an extension of my penis”.
2) I cannot refuse to save a struggling child on the grounds that they are “annoying as all hell”.
3) When I find a dead rat in the strainer, I should not pretend that it is still alive; pretend I’ve been bitten, and then stop swallowing.
4) I should not tell children that a sea monster lives in the deep end.
5) I cannot challenge people to a breath holding contest.
6) I cannot place bets on a breath holding contest, no matter how one-sided it is.
7) Yelling “Kill each other!” is not the proper way to break up a fight.
8) When evacuating the pool for a thunderstorm, I should not tell the most annoying children that they are allowed to keep swimming.
9) The baby pool is not the “piss factory”.
10) When giving people their pool passes, I should hand them only theirs, and not Jason Bourne’s.
11) Nor can I hand them anything saying “McLovin” on it. (more…)

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Here is a bunch of stuff that I have been amusing myself with online.
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Some of my family members have insisted that I elaborate on item number 18 on this past Monday’s list.

I was in the living room having just watched a commercial for the new cinematic abortion that was X-Men: Origins, when I had a flash of inspiration.

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This one is not on my list as I was not told not to do it. Back when I got “deployed” to Ft. Bragg in 2001 with the North Carolina National Guard – I have to use the quotation marks since I still can’t understand how you can be deployed in the same state that you live in – I had the opportunity to be attached to the XVIIIth Airborne Corps G-2.

Quick explanations: the XVIIIth ABC is the parent organization over the 82nd Airborne, the 101st Air Assault, 10th Mountain, 3rd Infantry and a few other smaller units. G-2 is the Intel Section.

I quickly noticed that all of the officers carried black notebooks around everywhere they went. Within a few days our officers were also carrying around the black notebooks. Being the nosy sort, I asked a few of them what the notebooks were for, thinking that maybe I should be carrying one too. I was told to mind my own business.

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This happened to me recently in Iraq. And while the joke is on me, it’s funny enough that I care less about it’s me people are laughing at, as opposed to the situation at hand.

The port a potties here on JBB have a “gay code” in them. Anyone stationed over here knows what I’m talking about. But you’ll see strange email addresses written on the port a potty walls with “M4M”
underneath it. With an email like “hardandlong21@yahoo.com” with M4M underneath it, I pieced 2 and 2 together and deciphered M4M meant Man 4 Man. I was on akochat working the nightshift. I was bored, and the only chat room that is authorized is AKO. So I decided to see if anyone was in one of the Iraq chat rooms. I chose one (which I now know, was a bad idea) called “Rainbow Iraq” I thought it would be full of smart-assed people, because if I was to make a room, it’d be something cute and fuzzy, like “Care Bear Stare.” I lurk here for a little bit before being “introduced” to someone named Alexis.

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A while ago my wife and I were approaching the anniversary of the day we started dating.  She asked me if I wanted anything special to commemorate the day.

I told her that I wanted either Milla Jovovich or a set of twins.

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Seriously. Every single one of them needs to have their head examined.

Before any of you start rattling off statistics at me, allow me to explain. I’m not talking about people who purposely avoid food that make your arteries break down and cry. I’m well aware that one meal alone at your local Crack in the Box is enough to kill an entire herd of elephants.

Nor am I talking about moving your body until you work up a fine sweat, rather than just getting off the couch and waddling over to the refrigerator (although, and let’s be honest here, a lot of Americans do work up a sweat doing that these days).

I’m talking about the perspective healthy people have about getting and staying healthy.

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According to the BBC, there is a mutation of the swine flu that is causing a small outbreak of “zombiesm”. And it’s not the first time it’s happened.

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My fellow Skippians I come to warn you that the end has officially began. Recently a “Swine Flu” epidemic has begun to spread, cheao viagra and anywhere from 20 to 800 people have died from it and even more have been infected.

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I think you might be right about the zombie uprising south of the border. With a simple word replacement (and one addition for readability’s sake) this simple news article becomes a terrifying portent.

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