Cinematic Greatness
Sometimes, maybe once a generation or so, a movie comes along that transcends mere film. It isn’t a piece of celluloid, so much as it is a cultural event. More than that, a cultural shift. A movie that makes you reexamine you beliefs, and even your very self. A movie that will leave it’s permanent mark upon your soul.
The creators will find that magic combination that allows them to breath precious vitality into a story, and make it seem as real and as pertinent to you as events that you actually experienced for yourself. And for the rest of your life, you will be able to look back at the moment that you first sat down to watch it, and you will say to yourself:
“This. This was the moment that everything changed for me forever!”
And sometimes the movie executives just go: “Fuck it, what if we have a giant shark fight a giant octopus?”
May 21st, 2009 at 10:01 pm
:facepalm:
Captha: flaking Recording – Damn, these captchas are good. What more can you say?
May 21st, 2009 at 10:18 pm
But dude! The guy from “Renegade” *and* the girl who ripped off Tiffany in the 1980s “repurpose 50s songs as 80s new wave” craze! In the SAME movie! Plus, that shark totally tore the Golden Gate a new one! What’s not to like about this?
Oh, right; it’s the guy from “Renegade” *and* Debbie Gibson. I’m willing to bet even Sci Fi Channel said “no thanks” to this, and they made the THIRD Crow film. There’s just no excuse for that.
May 21st, 2009 at 11:57 pm
Wow! That was so bad so bad I can’t even laugh at it… Wait!! Yes I can. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Lorenzo Lamas HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA Debbie Gibson HAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough cough* I got to quit smoking.
May 22nd, 2009 at 4:42 am
I…er…WHAT! I think my brain threw up in my skull. Now if I can just find a way to hose it out.
May 22nd, 2009 at 5:34 am
This is bound to be a cinematic masterpiece on a level with Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and Plan 9 from Outer Space.
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:05 am
It’s too early Friday morning for that. I need to wire brush my skull after that.
Captcha: footballHoving systolic – Micheal Vick’s bloodpressure now that he’s not in Kansas anymore?
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:31 am
Jeezis H Christmas, is that what passes for animation these days? Ray Harryhausen wouldn’t deign to spit on this shitheap. Even Ed Wood coulda done better with some rubber models lifted from some other movie’s props trailer.
May 22nd, 2009 at 7:47 am
Well I think it is an inspiring piece of cinema… it inspires me to build a time machine so I can prevent both the director and producer from being born… that way this glob of Sea Urchin ejaculate would never get made.
May 22nd, 2009 at 8:33 am
honestly, id go and see that movie if it came out
May 22nd, 2009 at 8:43 am
Oh, I’m definitely going to be owning this movie on DVD.
It doesn’t make it good though.
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:02 am
You know, this looks so bad that it might actually be awesome. Like bad 80’s horror/kung fu flicks. I kinda want to see this now. Preferably after a few shots of jack, but still.
Captcha; here impales-the the shark impales the squid with its giant teeth of doom
May 22nd, 2009 at 10:05 am
I’m tempted to start screaming “oh, my virgin eyes!” right about now. Instead, I think I’ll just retreat to my horror movie happy place. June 12, people! Who’s with me?
Yes, I have no life.
May 22nd, 2009 at 10:35 am
Zombies Nazis. On my birthday! Im so in!
May 22nd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Debbie Gibson? The singer? Just goes to prove that some people live to make bad movies.
I think this synopsis says it all myself: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1350498/synopsis
CAPTCHA – Hussen nudging – and what, exactly, is Hussen nudging?
May 22nd, 2009 at 11:01 am
You could make a drinking game out of it. A shot for every time you saw a really bad special effect. The only problem would be that you’d be plastered before you even got to the second act. Oh wait, that would be a good thing…
CAPTCHA – convincing bakery – yea, I think the bakery could have made a more convincing shark and octopus.
May 22nd, 2009 at 11:50 am
I would not go see thiseven if it looked good. I’m scared of sharks. I won’t even watch Jaws i’m that bad
May 22nd, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Plan 9 *shudders* I got it for Christmas. THE HORROR
May 22nd, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Exactly. That is the same reasoning as for owning Plan 9 from Outer Space, etc.
May 22nd, 2009 at 12:57 pm
A video store near me used to have a “Like it or your next rental is free!” wall. Some smartass clerk slipped Plan 9 onto it. I got several free rentals out of just bringing it to the counter and going “You’ve seen this, right? Can I have my freebie now?”.
May 22nd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
That sounds like the drinking game my friends came up with for Boondock Saints. Every time someone in the movie drops the F-bomb, take a drink. That is a game that is hazardous to your health.
May 22nd, 2009 at 5:32 pm
You know, I think it would be so bad, it would be good. Like the kung-fu/action film ‘The Black Mask’ absolutely bloody awful, but because of it, a cinematic masterpiece.
But you’d have to be fucking smashed.
May 22nd, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Oh, dear god. “The Black Mask.” I forgot that even existed.
You utter, utter bastard.
May 22nd, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Frogs
worst movie ever. made me believe there was no god
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Y’know, I’ve played that game with bad kung fu flicks. You do a shot every time someone mentions the words “Master”, “Chosen One”, or any time you see the wires. I was bombed out of my pretty little head. According to my fiance, I was acting out the fight scenes by the end of the night, but I don’t remember this.
Ah, good times.
May 23rd, 2009 at 12:01 am
Oh, come on! What’s not to like about a shitty plot, terrible acting, and awful props?
For the uninitiated, the black mask from the title is a zorro-esque mask worn by the “hero”, made of what appears to be, I shit you not, spray-painted corrugated cardboard.
And although I haven’t seen it. I think there is a sequel.
May 23rd, 2009 at 5:01 am
OH… MY… GOD! I just had a nerdgasm! I can not WAIT for this movie!
May 23rd, 2009 at 7:25 am
Debbie Gibson has resurfaced? Mr Hicks’ll be rolling in his grave.
Just looked at the site for Megashark. Its up 11,000% in popularity this week. LOL. How much of that is Skippy responsible for, do ya reckon?
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:56 am
Sherry Lynn’s nasal, whiny voice narrates all my nightmares, so no, there’s nothing to like about it.
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Holy hell, and here I was thinking that it must have been made up, like “Gobstopper”, though I have to say that the basis of that idea was the fact that i’ve seen better graphics on my playstation 3, or maybe 2.
captcha, company stained… their pants when they saw what the directer and writers made.
May 24th, 2009 at 1:35 am
Mate, best way is to consume copious quantities of alcohol. That will hose it out real good, might lose a brain cell or two but that never hurt anyone.
May 24th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Sadly this looks like one of the movies I would be inclined to rent, just because the drinking game would be so much fun.
May 26th, 2009 at 6:22 am
as a fan of all movies-B, I’d pick this up on dvd just to add it to my collection. I’ve got plan 9, Killer tomatoes, several horrible “horror” films (think “The Howling” series etc.) A bunch of poorly subtitled kung-fu theater movies (the 5 deadly venoms anyone?) Nearly every sci-fi movie thats out on video to date (what can I say… I love corny/cheesy/titties galore movies. Must be the 80’s still lurking in me somewhere)
CAPTCHA: Idol Okra…. well I guess there’s no need to watch next season… Captcha has it already
May 26th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I’m still waiting to watch One Eyed Monster. Gotta love Amazon.com.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Mein Gott! The two groups nobody has any trouble slaughtering. Somebody fetch my M2, I have several thousand rounds to donate to the Undead Reich.
May 29th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
I hate to be a bitch, but I actually got to see this movie a bit early, as it was entered in SIFF. All I have to say is it was so worth the $11 admission.
So now you know.
May 29th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
Hey, now! “The Howling” was a quality werewolf movie!
Okay, so that’s not saying very much, but give us werewolf-philes a little leniency.
May 29th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Weren’t the Nazis really big into paranormal and magic stuff? So for all we know maybe they found a way to do something like this.
May 29th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
This is, creepily enough, true. However, if I’m remembering correctly, a lot of governments researched the paranormal during the mid-20th Century, including ours.
June 1st, 2009 at 10:06 pm
DAMN! That’s one of the best lines I’ve ever heard! Kudos!
June 1st, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Holy turd-bombs! I haven’t seen this movie (don’t think I ever will), but damn, I think this a pitch even Uwe Boll would say “Oh, HELL no!” to.
June 2nd, 2009 at 4:28 am
Thank you. Enjoy.