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Can Has Multiple Lacerations

May 5th, 2009 by ShuttleZ

I’ve finally decided to share a recent incident that involved my wife and I being “adopted” with you and the other “Skippyites” that should tickle your collective funny bones.

Not to long ago, my wife and I where contemplating the benefits of getting ourselves a “fur kid”. The particular one in question being a cat. Now, I have always grown up with dogs and have owned 4 over the years and each one passed away peacefully but as my wife never grew up owning a dog or being around people who owned dogs, to say she is not a “dog person” is putting it mildly. Me, on the other hand, am not really a cat person. I even own a t-shirt that reads “I love cats…..lets swap recipes” and I have to admit that the feeling may be mutual every since my childhood when my brother and I built a catapult that lived up to it’s name. But that’s another story.

I will admit, I don’t hate cats. I just prefer dogs. I’m sure you may have heard the saying, “Dogs have owners. Cats have servants”. I don’t like their smug, superior attitude or the way they walk around owning the place. You don’t know what it’s like to feel pwnd until you’ve been ignored by a cat.

Back to the story. My wife and I where sitting on the front veranda at the end of the day with our coffees, watching the sun set over the Blue Mountains and discussing pets, among other things. From next door’s front yard, a little grey streak ran under my chair and wrapped itself around my ankle. As this was the last thing expected on a brisk autumn evening, I proceeded to jump up and exclaim, “What the FUCK……..!”. In the brief time between being ankle tapped by this little grey fuzz ball and me jumping up, next door’s cat came leaping over the fence and, not expecting to have it’s flight path interrupted by some looming human, hit me full in the chest. Said cat then ran up my face and jumped off the top of my head, heading up and over the opposite fence at warp factor 10 all the while yowling like some demented police siren.

Please keep in mind, this has all happened in the space of 5 seconds and just to rub salt into the gaping wounds left in my dignity, my wife had just taken a gulp of coffee when this all started and was so startled by me jumping up, swearing, and the demon spawned cat leaping at my throat that she then spat said coffee out in surprise and laughter ……..into my face.

So there I am, scratch marks on my face from my closer encounter with a jaguar, coffee dripping from my nose, wife having rolled out of her chair in hysterical fits of laughter looking down at the little gery bastard that started it all casually drinking whats left of my coffee with not a care in the world………what the heck!

After cleaning up and shooing off that little fur ball, we then sat outside again to have a chuckle. Lo’ and behold. There in the middle of our front lawn sat that little grey cat that started the evening festivities. My wife, who I would never have picked at being the soft touch, went all gooey at the little “mew” it uttered when she came out and it spied her. She rushed over to it and proceeded to pickup, pet and coo at this little flea bag, uttering, “Isn’t it so cute!”. *sigh* She then put it on the table to get a better look at it when the damn thing started to have a drink…..from my coffee…..again! What the? ……BASTARD!!

Just as I’m about to save my second cup from that little freeloader, my wife stops my hand and says, “Don’t. How could you be so cruel. See how thirsty it is?”. *sigh* again. Just then, the little grey emotional blackmailer turned around to my wife, placed a paw on her hand, looked into her eyes and went, “Mew”. The look on my wife’s face when it did that, she almost burst into tears. She ran inside and started banging and clanging around the kitchen leaving me and that little gray interloper alone for the first time. I thought, “How bad could this be. We’ve talked about getting a cat and here one is, turned up out of the blue, so to speak. Why not take advantage of the situation. He has no collar and looks a little underfed. Why not. Don’t they say that kindness repays itself?” I reached out to pat the cat. Bad mistake. It laid it’s ears back, bared it’s teeth, hissed at me and took a swipe at my hands with all the intention of flaying the flesh from my bones to the wrist. DOUBLE BASTARD!

My wife then walks out with a plate of chicken and sardines. I look at her, she looks at me and says, “Don’t you dare say a bloody word” and puts the food down for the cat to saunter up to and then dive in with gusto. Those are MY sardines! TRIPLE BASTARD!!

We watch it then polish off the food and even lick the plate clean. It then casually strolls over to my wife, rubs up against her leg all the time mewing in gratitude…..the little faker. It then walks over to me, lets me pat it ONCE and then proceeds to grab my wrist in it’s front paws and gnaw on my knuckle. Looks like it prefers fresh meat. Once more with feeling….BASTARD!

The cat then makes a break for the fence and is up and over just as fast as it appeared……until the next day. BASTARD!

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55 Responses to “Can Has Multiple Lacerations”

  1. Stickfodder Says:

    You should look into a bunny or a guinea pig. They’re just as cute and don’t usually bite.


    paula reply on May 6th, 2009 3:01 am:

    I can’t say about the guinea pig, but from first-hand knowledge I’d have to say hell YES a rabbit can and will bite! And lemme tell ya, with those two big rodent buck teeth, they can bite as bad as any cat or dog!


    Shadowydreamer reply on May 6th, 2009 3:11 am:

    I have two pet rabbits. Free range, fixed. They wander the house and think they own it just like a cat would. I’m awaiting rent payment demands any day now.

    I’m not sure what I’d have to do to either to make them bite tho. The worst I’ve ever gotten was when I was trying to examine Scout for injury to her hind leg she took the flesh between finger and thumb in her mouth and applied pressure. I took it to mean “If you hurt me, I will hurt you.”

    Hutch Bunnies, caged rabbits, and school bunnies especially become so territorial because they get no socialization and are typically terrorized by children. Biting is their only defense.

    Unlike cats who just like to see you bleed. ;)

    Captain : Peggy barely .. made it out alive after adopting a bunny AND a cat?! OMG!


    CCO reply on May 7th, 2009 9:57 am:

    My sister’s Akita (now deceased) did that when I was trying to get his dew claw loose from a piece of 4 x 4 fence wire. I was having trouble, and it hurt. The third time he clamped down and my thumb started to go numb, I said OK, let me figure out a better way to do this. I figured it out and got him loose, and we were both cool.

    tgobg reply on May 8th, 2009 12:17 am:

    ” Its got nasty huge Pointy Teeth… look at the Bones!” or perhaps BUNBUN from SLuggy Freelance

    Just my thoughts on Cute fluffy Bunnies

    Captcha Sir Carping – apparently the English are awarding Titles to fish now


  2. HardNose Says:

    Next time sweeten those sardines with a little ethylene glycol…


  3. SKD Says:

    Dogs were placed on this planet to keep us company and make sure we always have a friend available.

    Cats are here to make sure we stay in our place.

    Captcha – “deface 18” a cats’ daily quota


  4. Squid Vicious Says:

    My family’s had cats and dogs, and I’ve had pet rats as well. Cats are great if you pick the right one, but it’s sometimes hard to tell. We’ve been lucky with our 3 and had friendly cats that like to sleep on your knee or bed. Our dogs have all been the same – great with kids and cats, but again it’s a matter of finding the right one for you. However, my personal fave is rats.

    I don’t know if they’re legal in the US, but pet rats are awesome. They’re cuddly (especially the boys), smart (they can be spot trained to only go in one part of their cage, making cleaning easier), low maintenance (read:cheap), loving, and clean (if you clean them out regularly – once or twice weekly is usually about right for 2-4 rats). Sure, they can sometimes nip you, but you quickly learn how to prevent that, and once they get used to you they can come to their cage door at the sound of your voice.

    Try http://www.ratclub.org if you’re interested and want some more info on rats.


    Dave Van Domelen reply on May 6th, 2009 7:41 am:

    Most pet laws are city-based, not state or federal, although there’s certainly a few animals the feds would say you can’t have (mainly endangered species). I know a number of people in the U.S. who own pet rats, and one who even makes and sells rat-hammocks.


    Minty reply on May 6th, 2009 9:08 am:

    Actually, pet rats are pretty common in the US, mostly for the reasons you mentioned. I occasionally think about getting a few, just for the novelty of it, but considering I have three cats, it probably wouldn’t be such a great idea.

    Ditto the African Grey parrot I want, too. Sigh. Someday.


    Phantom reply on May 6th, 2009 2:58 pm:

    If I remember correctly, can’t certain parrots live to be up to fifty years old?


    Squid Vicious reply on May 6th, 2009 3:11 pm:

    Or older. Sulphur-crested cockatoos can live to be 100 or older.

    Squid Vicious reply on May 6th, 2009 3:10 pm:

    I know people who have cats who’re scared of the rats or just plain don’t care. It’s best if the cat’s a kitten when the rats are full grown – a couple of nips as a kitten tries to get hold of a rat puts them right off them for life.


    ShuttleZ reply on May 6th, 2009 2:58 pm:

    I’ve had a friend who owned rats when I was younger and don’t mind them. I’ve even suggested ferrets as I have own one as well but SWMBO is phobic about mice and rats. I don’t mean, “Yuck, it’s a rat” scared. It’s more like heart stopping, hair going every which way, find the highest point in the room, hang off the light fitting if you can scared. Even ferrets freak her out so rats are out.


  5. Em Says:

    The cat can tell that you don’t like cats, Skippy. It was mocking you.

    Wasn’t going to post until I saw the capcha: “Invest kicks.” A solution to your cat problem!


  6. StoneWolf Says:

    Having owned both cats and dogs, I’ve learned dealing with both is easy if you know how. Cats and Dogs behaive differently, but both understand dominace behavior. So whether you “own” it or let it live in your house, I have yet to share my house with an animal for which I was not dominant. However, it was fun to watch the cat run my whole family around the house while they ask me plainifully “Why does she just sit on your lap but make us jump through hoops?”

    On the other hand, I have yet to meet a horse I didn’t want to send to the glue factory.

    Captcha: fuel be-EXPENSIVE!


    Minty reply on May 6th, 2009 9:13 am:

    I think the dominance thing is true with most animals. My brother’s ex-girlfriend once rescued a baby squirrel and let it roam around the house. By the time it was six inches long and weighed maybed one ounce, it was terrorizing my 5’10”, 200 lbs. of raw muscle brother.


    StoneWolf reply on May 6th, 2009 9:36 am:

    Was it the spawn of Foamy?


    Minty reply on May 6th, 2009 10:05 am:

    Ah, Foamy.

  7. Jim A Says:

    Well cats aren’t by nature social creatures, they have no guilt genes. You walk into the kitchen and a cat and a dog are busy chowing down on your Thanksgiving turkey. They both jump down off the counter immediately, because they both KNEW that they weren’t supposed to be up there. The dog starts abasing itself at your feet, saying in effect “please forgive me.” The cat’s attitute is something more like “You caught me this time copper.”

    To some extant the way to socialize cats is to keep them in an extended childhood and never let them become independent. This is where picking up stray cats is problematic, they’ve been on their own and known independence. Like kids back from college, they don’t as easily put up with the rules of living under your roof.


    Minty reply on May 6th, 2009 9:17 am:

    Eh, not really true. Their social organization “in the wild” is just very different from dogs.


    David reply on May 6th, 2009 10:13 am:

    Come on, we know Warrior Cats has nothing to do with reality!


    Minty reply on May 6th, 2009 12:17 pm:

    I did not even see the Warriors reference at the bottom. Damn you, Wikipedia! I lose my faith in you, you buy it back, and then betray me all over again!

    johnny reply on May 6th, 2009 4:45 pm:

    not entirely true my parents have a cat that understands and responds to the word no we catch her doing something shes not supposed to and tell her no she stops and leaves whatever she was doing. and if she needs extra incentive to leave whatever it was quick squirt of the water bottle works.
    and as far as dominance terrorize the cat for a week when you first get it then treat it well and it knows whos boss.


    Jim A reply on May 7th, 2009 4:43 am:

    Oh, I never meant to imply that cats didn’t know what was expected of them, they’re not stupid. But they don’t have that inborn “kowtow to the alpha male,” behavior which we so easily turn into “master/dog” relationship.


    johnny reply on May 7th, 2009 5:45 pm:

    yeah but i prefer having a critter that doesnt need to have your every moments attention and show undying devotion I like a little dissent among the ranks

    Kurt reply on May 13th, 2009 11:05 pm:

    I found that with my cat waving the gun around in his general direction tells him he’s doing something bad. (Which he is most of the time. Sweet kitty, horribly behaved.) And before anyone freaks out, no it’s not a real gun. I trained him with a suction cup dart launching pirate pistol.


  8. Billy Says:

    Now, my family has 3 cats at the moment, and I have to say, I like them much better than any of the dogs.
    All of the dogs I have lived with were either
    A) stupid as all hell (one jumped out of a moving truck window, and got its leg run over.
    b) mean as hell (one would chase me to the bus stop when I was little, and not in a good way.

    the cats I grew up with however were usually halfway intelligent (one was able to catch bats, another taught declawed kittens how to catch things w/o claws.) or they wern’t mean at all. Except one who will play with you with his claws if you rub his belly. And one is just the picture of “scaredy cat” as for the longest time he would bolt out of a room if he saw me. So, I am obviously more of a cat person. And my suggested pet, I have to agree with the rat, my 6th grade teacher had several pets in her classroom and one of the more memorable pets was her rat, though be careful about having it on your shoulder. She also had 2 iguanas, 2 hedghogs, and occasionally she would bring in her pet potbellied pig.

    captcha: neorealism carving, up realism


  9. Tim Covington Says:

    We have 3 cats, and they know that my wife and I are the dominant ones. The key is the proper use of discipline (aka, squirt guns). There is nothing like the look of shock on a cable installers face when you tell the cats to go to another room, and they do it.


  10. Dave in NC Says:

    Our cat when I was growing up was a stray but was very social with most people. One time one of my mom’s friends had brought her two year-old with her and she and my mom were in the kitchen talking while the kid amused itself with the toys in the other room. Apparently our cat had inspected the child and it had done something against his rules because when they came into the room, the child was standing dead still with our cat on his back paws, front paws placed on the kids cheeks (claws retracted…for now) and my cat looking dead into the kid’s eyes with the clear message “That will not happen again, GOT IT?”

    We usually let him out at night to roam and patrol the neighborhood, which was all his territory, apparently. When he died, the bunny population in the neighborhood exploded until the other cats could pick up the slack.

    Since the cat, my family has two dogs now. As long as it’s the right animal, both cats and dogs make great pets.


    Jim A reply on May 7th, 2009 4:45 am:

    Cats are educational, since they won’t put up with near the amount of crap that dogs will


  11. T Haggerty Says:

    captcha is chemists in hmmmm maybe its trying to tell me something grandpa always said that anything can be solved with a suitable aplicat6ion of high explosives lol (when he was growing up you didnt need a licence to buy dynamite it could be bought at the locfal hardware store and he knew how to make other things that went boom)


  12. Kitty Says:

    we had a cat that used to wait on the landing then try to calmly remove your face as you walked up the stairs. Tried it with me one and only time as I side swiped her face in reply. Soon learned who ruled the roost. A casual slap with feeling brings any moggy under control. :D


  13. Tremor Says:

    My 30 Pound Mainecoon did the EXACT same thing to my Boarder Collie when i brought him home for the first time. Although Dylan (boardcolle) was only 9 months old, my cat Glak was about 5 years old.. Dylan ran right up to him to sniff.. Glack just got up on his hind legs and grabbed Dylan’s face and let out one LONG hiss…. Dylan just backed up when Glak Let him go and NEVER once just ran up to the cat again XD

    after about a week.. Glak finally decided the dog wasnt going anywhere, so he warmed up to him.

    You want a well behaved dog! get your Kick ass cat to train him! >3


  14. Fred Says:

    Captcha – states geldings, which reminds me of a cat/dog story…

    Some friends of ours had both a dog and a cat. The dog was large, black, and unaltered (male). Dumb as a box of hair, but really cute. The cat was one meal away from feral, and in fact was originally a neighborhood stray that had decided the grub was pretty good at our friends’ house, and would show up around dinnertime.

    One particular evening, both dog and cat wound up in the same room, and the dog decided that he wanted to play with the cat, so he ‘herded’ the cat into a corner. Bad move, actually…

    The cat took a swipe at the dog’s nose, and while he was flinching back, slid underneath the dog on his back, and sank every claw he had into the dog’s nutsack.

    Ah, good times…


  15. ashley Says:

    I have what could be considered a “guard cat”… at least thats what my husband calls her. First, any picture I ever take of her ends up making her look like some demonspawn from the bowels of hell. Second, she greets whoever comes in the house with a little “mew”, if you dont answer her, she leaps down the stairs and onto whatever part of you that her claws can latch on to. Third.. my husbands least favorite part, if he tries to ‘get a little play’ before bed and she’s there, she attacks his hand, which then makes him pick the little fuzzball up and launch her out of the bedroom. She retaliates to this by finding a piece of clothing to piss on, or steals his blousing straps and tears them to shredds by hooking them to the carpet and pulling them till they snap.
    Even my dogs, who outweigh her by 60 and 100lbs respectively, are terrified of her. To her credit though, they shouldnt have touched her food and toys.. prying an angry cat off of the face of a 105lb lab while he is freaking out trying to bite her is not fun. Its worse when he deploys though..


    Minty reply on May 6th, 2009 4:26 pm:

    *Snerk* Shouldn’t laugh, but. . . well, all I could think of was this.

    Captcha: Anatomy 01: That is not a toy.


    ashley reply on May 6th, 2009 4:32 pm:

    actually.. she has done that.. i laughed until i cried.. yes i am that evil.


    T Haggerty reply on May 7th, 2009 12:53 pm:

    hahaha you just gave me my new favorite comic minty i went to comic one and started reading from there after i skiped around a few of them

    captcha Balt sellout
    hmmm what the hell is a Balt and why is it a sellout


    Minty reply on May 7th, 2009 1:57 pm:

    You’re welcome.

    StoneWolf reply on May 13th, 2009 7:07 am:

    Crazy sword-weilding redhead pagan chik! Whoo-hoo! Love that comic. I flinched the first time I read that one.


  16. Matt Says:

    My daughter and son-in-law have a cat that is wildly rumored to carry a knife. If a stranger gets near(5-10ft or less), it’ll hiss an get ready to swing. It you go past where it is hiding it’ll cut you without blinking and eye and swear up and down it doesn’t know what you are talking about. Little kids don’t visit them anymore and the neighborhood dogs just cross the street…


  17. Sabra Says:

    We have two cats now, both adopted about a year ago. They were picked on their tolerance for my toddler. I had actually intended to adopt an adorable female calico when I got Little Boy, but she cringed back from Esther, whereas Little Boy was immediately affectionate & playful. So I have two black (neutered) tomcats.

    I’m an unabashed cat person. I don’t like dogs. To put it mildly. Our kitties are very well-behaved & tolerant of the littles.

    One of the cats I brought into my marriage many years ago was decidedly partisan in my favor. Post one of the first arguments the hubs & I had, he went & peed on Rob’s pillow.

    Captcha: accrues 17–further sign I’ll be the crazy cat lady in my old age.


  18. Maj Mac Says:

    I’m not necessarily a cat person, but have always been around them. Dogs too. We used to raise German Shepards and Dobermans. For some reason cats like me and want me to pull their tail. Visiting friends, they’ll say “That cat doesn’t like strangers. He’ll bite”. but they will come up to me and throw their tail up. Calm, laid back cats will want to play really rough. Dogs too.

    When I was a street cop, we had a dirt bag drug dealer that had two vicious pit bulls. One day we had cause to be in his living room and I sat on his couch. The dogs started fighting over which one got to crawl in my lap. Boy was he pissed. From that day on, we’d go to his house, the dogs would want to rip the other officers to shreds but when I showed up they obeyed me and ignored the owner.

    Also had a love hate relationship with a police dog. Actually love the dog, hate the handler. (Not too bad. Good guy, just a moron.) The handler would piss me off so I’d feed the dog Milk Duds. You guys know what chocolate and caramel will do to a dog’s digestive system?

    Good times….


    Minty reply on May 7th, 2009 9:22 am:

    “You know what chocolate and caramel will do to a dog’s digestive system?”

    You mean other than the potential for giving them bladder stones and killing them?

    Caramel, on the other hand. . .heh. That’s up there with peanut butter when it comes to dogs.


    Maj Mac reply on May 8th, 2009 6:18 am:

    No, wasn’t trying to kill the dog. But two Milk Duds and he’d get a temporary case of the shits, usually in the back seat of the patrol car! The dog was perpetually happy, but boy did that piss off the handler!


  19. Morgrim Says:

    My friend has a guncat. There is a kind of small parrot nicknamed ’28s’ that reach plague proportions in the bush here, and it is common for teenagers to be taught how to handle a rifle and to go thin them out a little. Well, if this cat heard a gunshot it would immediately race out to you and sit at your feet. If it saw a parrot go down, it would fetch it, bring it back to your feet, and proceed to eat it. Second parrot got shot, it would leave the first, bring back the second, and then go back to its meal.

    The sheepdogs would all just sit there and watch. I figure they thought that mustering was their job, so going shooting was the cat’s.


  20. Rachel Says:

    Cats can sense three types of people: those who love them, those who hate them, and those who are allergic. They will respond according to their degree of evilness.
    Cats are the same as dogs in that you have to really research breeds and their traits. Of course there are exceptions but some breeds are more likely to be friendly/cuddly/playful/not-stuck-up-deity than others. But that may be a moot point cuz it sounds like you’ve already been claimed.

    My aunt has three cats and all are vastly different. One will come up and sit on your chest asking for pets if you lie down in reach… this can be slightly problematic if you allow it too longer since he’s not exactly a small cat – about 17 lbs if I remember correctly. It will also jump into laps, wind around ankles, just be very friendly and laid back. The siamese is friendly and talkative but definitely royalty; she expects pets when she wants them and no other time. The third gives new meaning to the term scaredy-cat; he lives under my aunt’s bed and only comes out if the door’s shut and/or there is food and half the time acts like he expects to get hit or yelled at. Of course, the funniest thing about her cats is watching her great big golden retriever try to go up the narrow stairs backwards in an attempt to get out of the way of the declawed siamese. Tiger, the non-declawed cat, has him trained well.


  21. Speed Says:

    I struck a blow for freedom, quite accidently. When we first got married the wife talked me into getting a cat. Everywhere I went he followed me, when I went to the bathroom the cat would jump on top of the toilet seat.

    One day I walked home from college and got about half way when I realized I had to take a leak like a race horse. I staggered up the 3 floors to our apt and ran into the bathroom not seeing the streak of fur following me. I threw up the toilet seat and let fly only to see a kitten trying to stop itself in mid air. He landed in the bowl and since I was laughing too hard and couldn’t stop, he got a golden shower.

    Upon finishing, I plucked him out by his scruff and rinsed him under the faucet. He never followed me into the bathroom again.


  22. ExRedScarf83 Says:

    Oh God! I lol’ed! That was SO funny!!!!


  23. Gunrunner Says:

    I have a cat who when younger would follow me to the bathroom and crawl into my underwear/pants when I was sitting on the throne. I mean crawl in and huddle down like cats are known to do. This became known as the “PIMP” position, for Pussy In My Pants.

    captcha: Kutshers mcnulty = uuuhhh…no idea


  24. TheShadowCat Says:

    Well, now that we know the cat’s name…*chuckle*

    Welcome to the world of psychotic cat ownership. You’ll look back at this and laugh someday. Provided you survive that long. ;-)

    CAPTCHA – Manchu kitchen


  25. JMireles Says:

    We’re a mixed home. Two cats, one dog, and a rat. The dog is dumb as a box of rocks, but sweet and obedient. He knows who’s boss, and will do as he’s told. But, he’s a 6 month old lab-mix, so he’s prone to getting over-excited, and we occasionally have to get his complete, and undivided attention. The rat is kind of cool, but rats make my skin crawl, so I don’t play with him too often. But the cats, they’re something else. We have one male, and one female. The male, Snoopy (named so because he’s always “investigating” everything) is pretty laid back, but naturally hates the dog, Oakley. The female, Bootsie, is just a plain ole bitch. She’s always picking fights with Oakley. Also, she occasionally likes to do that lie in wait, and attempt to remove whatever body part is presented thing. The funny part is, the better half’s kids were convinced Bootsie didn’t like men because she’d hiss and attempt to flay the flesh off of better half’s ex-husband. Since meeting me, they’ve figured out that it was just their dad, as Bootsie took to me the minute I walked through the door. Go figure. The good news is, the animals have all chosen to ignore the new baby we now have.


  26. Andrew Says:

    For all cat lovers out there, hide your eyes, plug your ears and walk away humming “Memories” from the show “Cats.” For the rest of you, read on.
    My wife has a cat. She calls him Fluffy. I call him names that even a sailor wouldn’t be able to utter without blushing. Said cat is severely spoiled, and thinks he is top male in the house. I’ve proven him wrong on several occasions so that now when I am home alone he hides. And it all occurred in one historical moment.
    I was getting ready for a Dining Out event. For those who have never participated in a Dining Out, it is a military get-together steeped in history and tradition. There are STRICT rules for a Dining Out, one of which is you must wear your Class-A’s. The tuxedo style Class A uniform. Fortunately I have a set (they cost about $1200 for a single set) so I was prepared for this event. The night before the event I laid everything out so if I was missing anything I could hurry and purchase it the next day. I laid out the coat, pants and shirt. Then I made the mistake of returning to the closet for the hat, belt and shoes that go with the uniform. Upon my return there was Fluffy, standing directly on top of my uniform, tail straight up in the air. The little %#*&er was performing a #1 and a #2 on my uniform! Well I can be pretty quick and this time my speed was faster than a cats reflexes. I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and literally drop-kicked him across the room. Of course it didn’t matter to my wife that the cat had just defecated and urinated all over an extremely expensive uniform, she didn’t see him do it. She was ready to rip into me with a vigor and came charging at me with murder in her eyes. (Un)Fortunately she tripped on the shoes I had dropped and ended up face planting directly into Fluffy’s leavings.
    The story continues for another half-hour of cat hunting (we didn’t find the cat and I’m pretty certain he had cast greater invisibility on himself) and cursing. The dry cleaners were understanding and I had my uniform back in plenty of time to make it to the Dining Out.


  27. Dees Says:

    My wife and I have 3 cats (that live in the house, 4+ that live in the barn out back), and when I say that they can have varied and wildly different personalities, take it to heart.
    Yoda is my wife’s cat, and might as well be a fur covered human. She is perhaps the smartest cat I have ever seen, talks to you when you talk to her, with a look of bright intelligence in her eyes. She comforts my wife when she isn’t feeling well, helps watch the new baby and plays the “good hostess” when company comes over, spending time purring and meowing for everyone.
    Boots is my mother-in-law’s cat (mother-in-law lives with us since father-in-law passed away). Boots has taken a fancy to the way Yoda acts, and has nearly copied her completely and acts nearly the same as she does. She was a stray kitten that came running up to me when I left work one day and has become a “member of the family” with great affection.
    Phia is Yoda’s sister, I bottle fed them both from babies to until they could eat solid food. Phia is best described as a cross between the perfect “Halloween black cat” and a fur covered razor blade, who alternates between “loving indifference” and predatory/animalistic fits of aggression (only towards me). Both my wife and her mother say that Phia is my cat. I want a refund, LOL!


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