Archive for the ‘Andrew’ Category

For those who wanted to know:

While “in theater” at certain military installations throughout the world you must wear a highly reflective belt during low-light and night time conditions. The thought process being that it makes you more visible to friendlies and less likely to be hurt in an accident such as being hit by a vehicle.

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So in my recent excursion to the warmer climates of South-West Asia I came to realize that deserts are not fun. You are faced with three extremes there.

First, there is the normal everyday expected heat. 120F is not anyones idea of fun in the sun. You spend most your time outside drinking water because you can’t seem to drink enough. There is almost always a wind that blows sand, gravel, rocks and creepy crawlies down the back of your neck. It is hot, it is miserable…it is a normal day in the desert.

Second there are the cold nights. I say that any place on the planet earth that can reach temperatures warm enough to literally cook an egg should not be allowed to drop to sub-freezing temps the next night. It is intolerable. And it happens fast. One minute you’re slowly cooking in your own juices, then next your are trying to don your insulated APECS to keep from freezing to death.

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So what does a married soldier do as soon as he gets home from a long deployment? If you do not know this answer, you aren’t married, and have no imagination.

About three weeks ago my wife approached me when I was most distracted. I was playing COD:MW2. All she did was hand me what I thought was a pen and walk out of the room. It wasn’t a pen. It was an E.P.T. with a digital readout and the word not was nowhere to be seen. After receiving six unanswered head-shots I snapped out of my stunned stupor, and celebrated my upcoming child with the appropriate level of exuberance. I called every phone number in my cell phone to tell people I hadn’t talked to in over 3 years I was going to be a father.

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First, let me apologize for my long absence, but I have a good reason…

Did you know that the desert is filled with a demon spawned substance called dust? And some of this demon dust is so fine that no matter what type of air filters you use some will always enter your laptop and cover your heat-sinks. It then does what demons do best and heats up causing your laptop to burn out in a silent but sudden death. Yeah, demon spawned dust invaded my laptop and incinerated its brain. After an hour of frustration I reverted to a caveman and tried fixing my poor computer by hitting it with various large blunt object, starting with rocks and ending with a dumpster. Alas all this did was exacerbate the problem, as you have probably already guessed.

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OK, for all you jar-heads out there I only have 5 words for you…

“I Can’t Feel My Face!”

If you are a Marine and smacked your computer screen, it’s OK. If you are not a marine, never was a marine, and never will be a marine… What the hell were you thinking?!?

Recently I was fortunate enough to be sent to Florida for some advanced career training for the military. This is a joint training course involving all four major branches of the military as well as several foreign militaries. I was fortunate enough to end up with the marines. Now anyone who has gone TDY with marines know, if you are going to drink, take a marine. First of all, they are among the best brawlers in the US and will cover your butt should a brawl break out. Second of all, they know the best bar games. I was introduced to one called, “I can’t feel my face.”

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So you are checking your email one day and every single person in your family, including the Aunt you haven’t heard from or spoken to in more than 9 years, sends you an email that says the same exact thing…

What the (random explicative) is Skippy’s List?

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With Yule right around the corner I finally got out my Yule tree and decorations. You may notice that I use the term Yule instead of Christmas, but that is another story. This one however involves certain things I rediscovered while unpacking my artificial Yule tree. Those things include:

1. A specific strand of holiday lights
2. My previous Yule tree
3. Several Yule presents which were never given
4. A train set
5. A large red cylinder with a black hose attached to it

The story goes something like this:

Did you know you should always use a certified electrician when running a new power outlet? Here is why:

• Twas the week before Yule, and all through the house
• Everything was quiet, even my pet mouse
• The wife was out shopping, with my sister-in-law
• Then the silence was broken by a reciprocating saw
• I was cutting a hole, in the living room wall
• I was laughing and singing, simply having a ball.
• See there were no outlets, in the place I had cut
• To plug in the lights for the Yule tree I had cut
• I was running new wires, from breaker to hole
• To brighten my wife’s Yule, and lift her soul.
• I connected the wires, plugged in the tree
• Plugged in the train, ho ho he he
• I threw the breaker, then began to choke
• For while hearing pops, I smelled smoke
• I ran to the room and began to perspire
• My Tree, My Train and presents on fire!
• Did you know that house power, comes in three types
• I had connected too much, two twenty volts to be precise
• The lights had all burst, igniting my tree
• The fire then consumed my presents you see
• The train itself had burst into flame
• Too much power, the cause the same
• So if you are thinking, you know what to do
• When lacking an outlet for holidays too
• Then listen to me, I’ll say it again
• Always, Always, hire and electrician!

Now for further clarification:

1. The holiday lights were un-fused and every bulb had burst, as well as electrically welded to their sockets.
2. The “Yule Tree” was little more than a charred lump of wood that I had kept to remind me not to play with electricity.
3. The presents were of course the remains of the ones I had put under the tree
4. The train set was little more than a lump of molten plastic and twisted metal
5. The red cylinder was of course a fire extinguisher

The good news is the house didn’t burn down. The bad: my wife didn’t get her PlayStation 3 or the new coat I had bought her.

I hope you all enjoy this!